22 May 2021

Dementia is cruel. I went to see my Grandma today as we are able to 
visit people indoors again. For all of her life, she has dyed her hair 
a sort of faded gold colour. She has refused to dye it now and so she 
is grey. There is nothing wrong with going grey but she is not the 
woman I have known all these years. It has been some 3 years of her 
noticably suffering the effects of vascular dementia. She struggles to 
make decisions, determine what she wants, balance and what not. 
However, it still felt sort of like she was there in many ways. Not 
now. She would never have let herself go grey when she was compus 
mentus. She was clear about not wanting to be grey haired. This is now 
a shell where she once was. In Buddhism, the concept of rebirth 
involves passing into various realms. It is a concept I struggle with 
in how it is presented. However, if you view it as someone changing 
through their life time, it sort of works for me. We are not the same 
people as we were when we were 10. Non-permanence is a fundamental 
concept so it makes sense with personalities. I often wonder if 
dementia is the 'hell realm' in the Buddhist cycle. It certainly would 
be hellish to suffer changes in perception and knowing something is 
wrong but never knowing what it is.

My parents were also visiting so I got to see their dogs. We went 
for a walk and the one dog went for a wallow in a muddy puddle. She 
had to be given a bath in the sink. The water went black instantly! 
She was not a happy dog.