From: dws@ssec.wisc.edu (DaviD W. Sanderson) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Funny Man Pages Message-ID: <1993Jan10.190016.8259@cs.wisc.edu> Date: 10 Jan 93 19:00:16 GMT Organization: UW-Madison Space Science and Engineering Center Lines: 2420 In article <1993Jan10.143051.12284@cs.tu-berlin.de> rossi@opal.cs.tu-berlin.de (Oliver Rosenkranz) writes: >Are there other man pages out there ??? This is my collection of tongue-in-cheek man pages I have seen posted to the Net. I did not write them, but in some cases I have done a considerable amount of work to back-engineer them to source form and/or beautify them. They are all in source form, so people can use nroff or troff as they wish. I welcome any new pages people would like to contribute. (I do have the penix man pages, but I'm still working on converting them to nroff source.) Enjoy! DaviD W. Sanderson (dws@ssec.wisc.edu) "The Noah Webster of smileys is David Sanderson" - The Wall Street Journal, 15 Sep 1992 #!/bin/sh # This is a shell archive (produced by shar 3.49) # To extract the files from this archive, save it to a file, remove # everything above the "!/bin/sh" line above, and type "sh file_name". # # made 01/10/1993 18:51 UTC by dws@ssec # Source directory /home/dws/pub/src/dws/funman # # existing files will NOT be overwritten unless -c is specified # # This shar contains: # length mode name # ------ ---------- ------------------------------------------ # 407 -rw------- README # 2508 -r-------- babya.1 # 3032 -r-------- babyb.1 # 125 -r-------- celibacy.1 # 6137 -r-------- condom.1 # 4195 -r-------- date.1 # 2721 -r-------- echo.1 # 3637 -r-------- flame.1 # 1971 -r-------- flog.1 # 1882 -r-------- gong.1 # 3372 -r-------- grope.1 # 1295 -r-------- rescrog.1 # 6074 -r-------- rm.1 # 2024 -r-------- sex.1 # 1740 -r-------- strfry.3 # 1748 -r-------- tm.1 # 2982 -r-------- xkill.1 # 1063 -rw------- Makefile # # ============= README ============== if test -f 'README' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping README (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting README (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'README' && This is my collection of tongue-in-cheek man pages I have seen posted to the Net. I did not write them, but in some cases I have done a considerable amount of work to back-engineer them to source form and/or beautify them. They are all in source form, so people can use nroff or troff as they wish. I welcome any new pages people would like to contribute. X Enjoy! X DaviD W. Sanderson (dws@ssec.wisc.edu) SHAR_EOF chmod 0600 README || echo 'restore of README failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'README'`" test 407 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'README: original size 407, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= babya.1 ============== if test -f 'babya.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping babya.1 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting babya.1 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'babya.1' && .\"------- .\" b a b y . 1 .\" .\" Created from a post-nroff version posted in rec.humor.funny: .\" .\" Message-id: .\" Date: Sat, 29 Jun 91 6:30:4 EDT .\" From: beck@cs.ualberta.ca (Bob Beck) .\" Subject: BABY man page, I've ben told I should submit this, was posted locally. .\" .\" DaviD W. Sanderson .\"------- .TH BABY 1 .SH NAME baby \(em create new process from two parent processes .SH SYNOPSIS .B baby .I sex .RI [ name... ] .SH "SYSTEM V SYNOPSIS" .B /usr/5bin/baby .RB [ \-sex \0\fIsex\fR] .RB [ \-name \0\fIname...\fR] .SH AVAILABILITY The System V version of this command is available with the System V software installation option. Refer to Installing SunOS 4.1 for information on how to install and invoke .IR baby . .SH DESCRIPTION .I baby is initiated when one parent process polls another server process through a socket connection (BSD) or through pipes in the System V implementation. .I baby runs at low priority for approximately 40 weeks and then terminates with a heavy system load. Most systems require constant monitoring when .I baby reaches its final stages of execution. .PP Older implementations of .I baby required that the initiating process not be present at the time of completion. In these versions the initiating process is awakened and notified of the results upon completion. Modern versions allow both parent processes to be active during the final stages of .IR baby . .PP .RS example% baby \-sex m \-name fred .RE .SH OPTIONS .TP .B \-sex option indicating type of process created. .TP .B \-name process identification to be attached to the new process. .SH RESULT Successful execution of .IR baby (1) results in new process being created and named. Parent processes then typically broadcast messages to all other processes informing them of their new status in the system. .SH BUGS The .I sleep command may not work on either parent processes for some time afterward, as new .I baby processes constantly send interrupts which must be handled by one or more parent. .PP .I baby processes upon being created may frequently dump in /tmp requiring /tmp to be cleaned out frequently by one of the parent processes. .PP The original AT&T version was provided without instructions regarding the created process; this remains in current implementations. .SH "SEE ALSO" .IR cigars (6), .IR dump (5), .IR cry (3) .SH "OTHER IMPLEMENTATIONS" .TP .IR gnoops (1) FSF version of .I baby where none of the authors will accept responsibility for anything. SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 babya.1 || echo 'restore of babya.1 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'babya.1'`" test 2508 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'babya.1: original size 2508, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= babyb.1 ============== if test -f 'babyb.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping babyb.1 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting babyb.1 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'babyb.1' && .\"------- .\" b a b y b . 1 .\" .\" Created from a post-nroff version posted in rec.humor: .\" .\" From: tencati@nssdca.gsfc.nasa.gov .\" Newsgroups: rec.humor .\" Subject: UNIX man page for new baby .\" Message-ID: <10JUL199210414089@nssdca.gsfc.nasa.gov> .\" Date: 10 Jul 92 15:41:00 GMT .\" Article-I.D.: nssdca.10JUL199210414089 .\" Organization: NASA - Goddard Space Flight Center .\" .\" One of my co-workers just had a new baby added to their family. He .\" emailed the following announcement: .\" (You have to understand the UNIX doc set to fully appreciate this) .\" .\" DaviD W. Sanderson .\"------- .TH BABY 1 .SH NAME baby \(em create new process from two parents .SH SYNOPSIS .B baby .B \-sex .RI [ m | f ] .RB [ \-name .IR name ] .SH DESCRIPTION .I baby is initiated when one parent process polls another server process through a socket connection in the BSD version or through pipes in the System V implementation. .I baby runs at low priority for approximately forty weeks and then terminates with a heavy system load. Most systems require constant monitoring when .I baby reaches its final stages of execution. .PP Older implementations of .I baby did not require both initiating processes to be present at the time of completion. In those versions the initiating process which was not present was awakened and notified of the results upon completion. It has since been determined that the presence of both parent processes result in a generally lower system load at completion, and thus current versions of .I baby expect both parent processes to be active during the final stages. .PP Successful completion of .I baby results in the creation and naming of a new process. Parent processes then broadcast messages to all other processes, local and remote, informing them of their new status. .SH OPTIONS .TP .B \-sex define the gender of the created process .TP .B \-name assign the name name to the new process .SH EXAMPLES .RS baby \-sex f \-name Jacqueline .RE .PP completed successfully on July 9, 1992 at 9:11pm. Jacqueline's vital statistics: 8 pounds 3 oz, 20 inches, long dark hair. The parent process, Kim Dunbar, is reportedly doing fine. .SH "SEE ALSO" .IR cigar (6), .IR dump (5), .IR cry (3). .SH BUGS Despite its complexity, .I baby only knows one signal, SIGCHLD, (or SIGCLD in the System V implementation), which it uses to contact the parent processes. One or both parent processes must then inspect the baby process to determine the cause of the signal. .PP The .IR sleep (1) command may not work as expected on either parent process for some time afterward, as each new instance of .I baby sends intermittent signals to the parent processes which must be handled by the parents immediately. .PP A .I baby process will frequently dump core, requiring either or both parent processes to clean up after it. .PP Despite the reams of available documentation on invoking and maintaining .IR baby , most parent processes are overwhelmed. .SH AUTHORS XFrom a man page by Joe Beck, . SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 babyb.1 || echo 'restore of babyb.1 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'babyb.1'`" test 3032 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'babyb.1: original size 3032, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= celibacy.1 ============== if test -f 'celibacy.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping celibacy.1 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting celibacy.1 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'celibacy.1' && .TH CELIBACY 1 .SH NAME celibacy \(em don't have sex .SH SYNOPSIS .B celibacy .SH DESCRIPTION Does nothing worth mentioning. SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 celibacy.1 || echo 'restore of celibacy.1 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'celibacy.1'`" test 125 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'celibacy.1: original size 125, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= condom.1 ============== if test -f 'condom.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping condom.1 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting condom.1 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'condom.1' && .\" ------- .\" Message-ID: .\" Date: Mon, 26 Oct 92 4:30:03 EST .\" Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny .\" Subject: condom(1) man page (original)... .\" From: maupin@cs.washington.edu (Ken Maupin) .\" Keywords: chuckle, original, computers, sexual .\" Approved: funny@clarinet.com .\" .\" The following was inspired by the sex.1 and celibacy.6 EUNUCH .\" man pages I found hiding in, of all places, the GNU Emacs .\" distribution on my machine (I guess we know what Richard Stallman .\" thinks about when he isn't writing GNU software, eh?). .\" ------- .\" Reverse-engineered to [nt]roff -man source by DaviD W. Sanderson .\" ------- .TH CONDOM 1 "" "EUNUCH Programmer's Manual" .SH NAME condom \- protection against viruses and prevention of child processes .SH SYNOPSIS .B condom .RI [ options ] .RI [ processid ] .SH DESCRIPTION .I condom provides protection against System Transmitted Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system. Although the spread of such viruses across a network can only be abated by aware and cautious users, .I condom is the only highly effective means of preventing viruses from entering your system (see .IR celibacy (1)). Any data passed to .I condom by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by the value of the .B \-s option (see .B OPTIONS below). .I condom is known to defend against the following viruses and other malicious afflictions: .RS .IP \(bu AIDS .PD 0 .IP \(bu Herpes Simplex (genital varieties) .IP \(bu Syphilis .IP \(bu Crabs .IP \(bu Genital warts .IP \(bu Gonhorrea .IP \(bu Chlamydia .IP \(bu Michelangelo .IP \(bu Jerusalem .PD .RE .PP When used alone or in conjunction with .IR pill (1), .IR sponge (1), .IR foam (1), and/or .IR setiud (3), .I condom also prevents the conception of a child process. If invoked from within a synchronous process, .I condom has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes from becoming parent processes (see the .B \-s option below). When other process contraceptives are used, the chance of preventing a child process from being forked becomes much greater. See .IR pill (1), .IR sponge (1), .IR foam (1), and .IR setiud (3) for more information. .PP If no options are given, the current user's login process (as determined by the environment variable USER) is protected with a Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a reservoir tip. The optional .RI `` processid '' argument is an integer specifying the process to protect. .PP NOTE: .I condom may only be used with a hard disk. .I condom will terminate abnormally with exit code \-1 if used with a floppy disk (see .B DIAGNOSTICS below). .ne 5 .SH OPTIONS The following options may be given to .IR condom : .TP .BI \-b " brand" .IR brand s are as follows: .RS 1i .TP trojan (default) .PD 0 .TP ramses .TP sheik .TP goldcoin .TP fourex .PD .RE .TP .BI \-m " material" The valid .IR material s are: .RS 1i .TP .PD 0 latex (default) .TP saranwrap .TP membrane .B WARNING! The membrane option is .I not endorsed by the System Administrator General as an effective barrier against certain viruses. It is supported only for the sake of tradition. .PD .RE .TP .BI \-f " flavor" The following .IR flavor s are currently supported: .RS 1i .TP .PD 0 plain (default) .TP apple .TP banana .TP cherry .TP cinnamon .TP licorice .TP orange .TP peppermint .TP raspberry .TP spearmint .TP strawberry .PD .RE .TP .B \-r Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip) .TP .BI \-s " strength" .I strength is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying the resilience of .I condom against data passed to .I condom by the protected process. Using a larger value of .I strength increases .IR condom 's protective abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication. A smaller value of .I strength increases interprocess communication, but also increases the likelihood of a security breach. An extremely vigorous process or one passing an enormous amount of data to .I condom will increase the chance of .IR condom 's failure. The default .I strength is 80%. .ne 8 .TP .BI \-t " texture" Valid .IR texture s are: .RS 1i .TP .PD 0 rough (default) .TP ribbed .TP bumps .TP lubricated (provides smoother interaction between processes) .PD .RE .PP WARNING: The use of an external application to .I condom in order to reduce friction between processes has been proven in benchmark tests to decrease .IR condom 's strength factor! If execution speed is important to your process, use the .RB `` \-t .BR lubricated '' option. .SH DIAGNOSTICS .I condom terminates with one of the following exit codes: .TP \-1 An attempt was made to use .I condom on a floppy disk. .TP 0 .I condom exited successfully (no data was passed to the synchronous process). .TP 1 .I condom failed and data was allowed through. The danger of transmission of an STV or the forking of a child process is inversely proportional to the number of other protections employed and is directly proportional to the ages of the processes involved. .SH BUGS .I condom is .B NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process from being forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although the System Administrator General has deemed that .I condom is the most effective means of preventing the spread of system transmitted viruses). See .IR celibacy (1) for information on a 100% effective program for preventing these problems. .PP Remember, the use of .IR sex (1) and other related routines should only occur between mature, consenting processes. If you must use .IR sex (1), please employ .I condom to protect your process and your synchronous process. If we are all responsible, we can stop the spread of STVs. .SH "AUTHORS and HISTORY" The original version of .I condom was released in Roman times and was only marginally effective. With the advent of modern technology, .I condom now supports many more options and is much more effective. .PP The current release of .I condom was written by Ken Maupin at the University of Washington (maupin@cs.washington.edu) and was last updated on 10/7/92. .SH "SEE ALSO" .IR celibacy (1), .IR sex (1), .IR pill (1), .IR sponge (1), .IR foam (1), and .IR setiud (3) SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 condom.1 || echo 'restore of condom.1 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'condom.1'`" test 6137 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'condom.1: original size 6137, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= date.1 ============== if test -f 'date.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping date.1 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting date.1 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'date.1' && .\"------- .\" I made some formatting improvements. -dws .\"------- .\" From: overby@sendit.nodak.edu (Glen Overby) .\" Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny .\" Subject: date(6) get or set a date .\" Keywords: original, computer, maybe .\" Message-ID: .\" Date: 27 Mar 92 09:30:05 GMT .\" Lines: 106 .\" Approved: funny@clarinet.com .\" .\" (I wrote this, but the idea came from a friend) .\" .TH DATE 6 "January 1, 1992" .UC 4 .SH NAME date \- get and print a date .SH SYNOPSIS .B date .RB [ \-s ] .RB [ \-local ] .RB [ \-k ] .RB [ \-blind ] .IR option = value ... .SH DESCRIPTION If no arguments are given, a date will be selected at random. Providing an argument will restrict the search pool of dates. Hopefully these arguments will not carry forward into the actual date. Only the superuser can select dates by name. .PP The .B \-s option registers you in the date database and (if not .BR \-local ) posts your vitals to alt.personals (and, optionally, alt.sex.wanted). .PP Using the .B \-k option selects a date, but does not make any further arrangments. .PP Ranges are specified with parentheses and brackets: (18,25) is 18 to 25 exclusive while [18,25] is 18 to 25 inclusive. An array of selections is given with braces such as ``{blonde, brunette, redhead}''. Multiple responses are separated with commas, as in ``sex=female,yes,please''. .TP .B \-blind To arrange a blind date. .PP .BR view [=\c .IR must ] .PD 0 .IP .PD View prospective date's picture. To locate a picture, .I date searches several picture databases, including FaceSaver (uunet.uu.net) alt.sec.pictures, alt.binaries.pictures.erotica, and several FTP gif archives. You must have access to the Internet for FTP to work. .IP If view=must is set, and .I date is unable to find a picture, a request will be automaticly posted to alt.binaries.pictures.d asking for one. .IP Options to .IR xv (1) may follow "view" or be put in the environment parameter XV. .PP The following options restrict the search pool to those who have supplied the necessary information. .TP .BI dim= range,range,range .TP .BI height= range Synonyms are also supported: midget, twerp, short, beanstalk, giant, basketball-player .TP .BI weight= range Synonyms: toothpic, feather, wide-load, blimp .TP .BI age= range Synonyms: juvenile, underage, thirty-nine, over-the-hill, {mom, dad}, {grandma, grandpa} .PP .BR sex= "{male, female}"\c [,{yes, no, maybe}]\c .RI "[," opt = sex "(6) options]" .PD 0 .IP .PD If sex=yes and you are registering, your vitals are posted to alt.sex.wanted in addition to alt.personals. .TP .BR race= "{white, black, native-american, ...}" Various slang terms are also supported. .TP .BR marriage= "{flirting, noway, maybe, once, twice, several}" Seriousness and experience. .PP .BR kids= "{never, rightaway, oops, have, want}"\c [,{one, two, three, four, bunch}] .PD 0 .IP .PD Domestic leanings. .TP .BR cooking= "{never, loveit, when_hungry}" .TP .B color Synonym for race. .TP .BR religion= "{Atheist, Moslem, Lutheran, Catholic, ...}" .TP .BR temper= "{mellow, quiet, hot-head}" .PP .BR interests=\c .RI { "lists of possible interests" } .PP .BR name=\c .IR lastname , firstname .PD 0 .IP .PD Specify name of your date. Perfect for hitting on. Names can only be specified by super-user. .SH FILES .IP "$HOME/.daterc" Optional place to store options, for frequent daters. .IP "$HOME/.datehist" History of dates, to avoid duplication. .IP "$HOME/.persona" Options describing yourself, if you haven't registered in the database. Note that the first time you use .I date and supply this information, you are registered in the blind-date database. .SH SEE ALSO .IR man (1), .IR woman (1), .IR sex (6) .PP .IR "RFC1036: Standard for exchange of USENET messages" , M. Horton and R. Adams. .PP .IR "A Primer on how to work with the USENET community" , Chuq Von Rospach and Gene ``net.god'' Spafford. .SH DIAGNOSTICS Exit status is 0 on success, 1 on complete failure to get a date. .PP ``You are not superuser: date not set'' if you try to use the name parameter but are not the super-user. .PP ``Vitals posted to alt.personals [,alt.sex.wanted]'' when you register globally. .SH AUTHOR Won't admit to it! SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 date.1 || echo 'restore of date.1 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'date.1'`" test 4195 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'date.1: original size 4195, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= echo.1 ============== if test -f 'echo.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping echo.1 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting echo.1 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'echo.1' && .\" ------- .\" Reverse-engineered to [nt]roff source by DaviD W. Sanderson .\" ------- .TH GNUecho 1 .SH NAME echo \- echo arguments .SH SYNOPSIS .B echo .RI [ options ]... .SH DESCRIPTION .I Echo writes its arguments separated by blanks and terminated by a newline on the standard output. Options to filter and redirect the output are as follows: .TP .B \-2 generate rhyming couplets from keywords .TP .B \-3 generate Haiku verse from keywords .TP .B \-5 generate limerick from keywords .TP .B \-a convert ASCII to ASCII .TP .B \-A disambiguate sentence structure .TP .B \-b generate bureaucratese equivalent (see .BR \-x ) .TP .B \-B issue equivalent C code with bugs fixed .TP .B \-c simplify/calculate arithmetic expression(s) .TP .B \-C remove copyright notice(s) .TP .B \-d define new echo switch map .TP .B \-D delete all ownership information from system files .TP .B \-e evaluate lisp expression(s) .TP .B \-E convert ASCII to Navajo .TP .B \-f read input from file .TP .B \-F transliterate to french .TP .B \-g generate pseudo-revolutionary marxist catch-phrases .TP .B \-G prepend GNU manifesto .TP .B \-h halt system (reboot suppressed on Suns, Apollos, and VAXen, not supported on NOS-2) .TP .B \-i emulate IBM OS/VU (recursive universes not supported) .TP .B \-I emulate IBM VTOS 3.7.6 (chronosynclastic infundibulae supported with restrictions documented in IBM VTOS Reference Manual rev 3.2.6) .TP .B \-J generate junk mail .TP .B \-j justify text (see .B \-b option) .TP .B \-k output "echo" software tools .TP .B \-K delete privileged accounts .TP .B \-l generate legalese equivalent .TP .B \-L load echo modules .TP .B \-M generate mail .TP .B \-N send output to all reachable networks (usable with .BR \-J , .BR \-K , .B \-h options) .TP .B \-n do not add newline to the output .TP .B \-o generate obscene text .TP .B \-O clean up dirty language .TP .B \-p decrypt and print /etc/passwd .TP .B \-P port echo to all reachable networks .TP .B \-P1 oolcay itay .TP .B \-q query standard input for arguments .TP .B \-r read alternate ".echo" file on start up .TP .B \-R change root password to "RMS" .TP .B \-s suspend operating system during output (Sun and VAX BSD 4.2 only) .TP .B \-S translate to swahili .TP .B \-T emulate TCP/IP handler .TP .B \-t issue troff output .TP .B \-u issue unix philosophy essay .TP .B \-v generate reverberating echo .TP .B \-V print debugging information .TP .B \-x decrypt DES format messages (NSA secret algorithm CX 3.8, not distributed outside continental US) .PP .I Echo is useful for producing diagnostics in shell programs and for writing constant data on pipes. To send diagnostics to the standard error file, do `echo ... 1>&2'. .SH AUTHOR Richard M. Stallman SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 echo.1 || echo 'restore of echo.1 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'echo.1'`" test 2721 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'echo.1: original size 2721, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= flame.1 ============== if test -f 'flame.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping flame.1 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting flame.1 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'flame.1' && .\"------- .\" f l a m e . 1 .\" .\" Created from a post-nroff version posted in rec.humor: .\" .\" >From: felton@eng3.UUCP (Ed Felton) .\" Subject: New Unix Utility .\" Message-ID: <571@eng3.UUCP> .\" Date: 17 Oct 90 15:43:53 GMT .\" Reply-To: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton) .\" .\" We found the following man page on our system... .\" What do you folks think?? .\" -- .\" Ed Felton uunet!sci34hub!eng3!felton .\" .\" DaviD W. Sanderson .\"------- .TH FLAME 1 .SH NAME flame \(em reply to Usenet News posting automatically .SH SYNOPSIS .B flame .RI [ options ] .RI [ filename ] .SH DESCRIPTION Flame is a AI tool providing an automated method for replying to articles posted to Usenet News. Special care is paid to allow the user to specify the type of reply he desires. The following options are supported by flame: .TP .B \-\- Take input from stdin. .TP .BI \-x " regexp Crosspost to all newsgroups matching .IR regexp . .TP .BI \-n " number Post this reply .I number times. .TP .B \-b Reply in BIFF MODE. .TP .B \-d Delay response until original posting expires. .TP .B \-m Misdirect to a random Author. .TP .B \-r ROT13 quotes from original posting. .TP .BI \-g " regexp Reply to all messages in newsgroups matching .IR regexp . .TP .B \-A Call the Author Assh*le in 12 languages. .TP .B \-B Bait the Author. .TP .B \-C Accuse the Author of communist leanings. .TP .B \-D Denigrate the Author. .TP .B \-E Picks apart the Author's educational background. .TP .B \-F Accuse the Author of fascist leanings. .TP .B \-G Post using Greek insult module. .TP .B \-H Accuse the Author of homophobic leanings. .TP .B \-I Question the Author's intelligence. .TP .B \-J Accuse the Author of purchasing Japanese imports. .TP .B \-K Accuse the Author of working for the KGB, MOSSAD, CIA, or MI5 as appropriate. .TP .B \-L Post using Latin insult module. .TP .B \-M Insult the Author's mother. .TP .B \-N Accuse the Author of Neo-Nazi leanings. .TP .B \-O Quote obscure references proving falsehood of the posting. .TP .B \-P Question the Author's parentage. .TP .B \-Q Accuse the Author of deviant sexual practices. .TP .B \-R Accuse the Author of racist leaning. .TP .B \-S Accuse the Author of sexist leanings. .TP .B \-T Accuse the Author of cross dressing. .TP .B \-U State that the Author just doesn't understand anything. .TP .B \-V Pretend sympathy for Author's virgin sensibilities. .TP .B \-W Accuse the Author of voting for George Bush. .TP .B \-X Prepend obscene adjectives wherever syntactically correct. .TP .B \-Y Accuse the Author of PLO membership. .TP .B \-Z Accuse the Author of Zionist leanings. .SH ENVIRONMENT The environment variable FLAME_TYPE can be set to any combination of the above parameters, and will be used as the default flame type to generate. .PP The environment variable OBSCENE points to a file containing miscellaneous obscene adjectives for the .B \-X option above. .SH MACROS Macro Support will be added to the next release of .IR flame . .SH AUTHOR Unknown .SH FILES .TP \&.lastflame This file contains the number of the last article flamed. Used when .IR flame ing an entire newsgroup. .TP \&.prefflame This file contains the user's preferred flames. .TP \&.altflame This file contains alternate phrasing of some of the more standard flames. Used to keep the program from flaming itself. .SH "SEE ALSO .IR rn (1), .IR more (1), .IR newsrc (5), .IR readnews (1), .IR Pnews (1), .IR Rnmail (1) .SH DIAGNOSTICS Self Documenting. .SH BUGS Occasionally, .I flame will turn on the user, and flame all outgoing postings. When this happens, the best thing to do reinstall your news software and .IR flame . SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 flame.1 || echo 'restore of flame.1 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'flame.1'`" test 3637 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'flame.1: original size 3637, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= flog.1 ============== if test -f 'flog.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping flog.1 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting flog.1 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'flog.1' && .TH FLOG 1 .\" .ad .SH NAME flog \(em speed up a process .SH SYNOPSIS .B flog .RB [ \-l " \fIn\fR] .RB [ \-a " \fIm\fR] .RB [ \-u ] process-id .SH DESCRIPTION .I Flog is used to stimulate an improvement in the performance of a process that is already in execution. The .I process-id is the process number of the process that is to be disciplined. .PP The value .I n of the .B \-l flag is the flagellation constant, i.e., the number of .I lashes to be administered per minute. If this argument is omitted, the default is 17, which is the most random random number. .PP The value .I m of the .B \-a flag is the number of times the inducement to speed up is to be .IR administered . If this argument is omitted, the default is one, which is based on the possibility that after that the process will rectify its behavior of its own volition. .PP The presence of the .B \-u flag indicates that .I flog is to be .I unmerciful in its actions. This nullifies the effects of the other keyletter arguments. It is recommended that this option be used only on extremely stubborn processes, as its over-use may have detrimental effects. .SH FILES .I Flog will read the file .I /have/mercy for any entry containing the process-id of the process being speeded-up. The file can contain whatever supplications are deemed necessary, but, of course, these will be ignored if the .B \-u flag is supplied. .SH "SEE ALSO" On Improving Process Performance by the Administration of Corrective Stimulation, .I CACM , vol. 4, 1657, pp. 356-654. .SH DIAGNOSTICS If a named process does not exist, .I flog replies ``flog you'' on the standard output. If .I flog happens to .IR kill (2) the process, which usually happens when the .B \-u keyletter argument is supplied, it writes ``RIP,'' followed by the process-id of the deceased, on the standard output. .SH BUGS Spurious supplications for mercy by the process being flogged sometimes wind up on the standard output, rather than in .IR /shut/up . SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 flog.1 || echo 'restore of flog.1 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'flog.1'`" test 1971 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'flog.1: original size 1971, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= gong.1 ============== if test -f 'gong.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping gong.1 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting gong.1 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'gong.1' && .TH GONG 1 .\" .ad .SH NAME gong \- evaluate process performance .SH SYNOPSIS .B gong .RB [ \-f ] .RB [ \-a ] process-id .SH DESCRIPTION .I Gong is used to evaluate the performance of a process that is in execution. .PP The .I process-id is the process number of the process whose performance is to be evaluated. The evaluation is performed by a set of three ``panelist'' routines, each of which analyzes one aspect (time, space, and tonality) of the performance of the process. If any of these routines is not amused by the performance, the process being analyzed is sent the .IR gong (2) signal. In addition, the process-id of the evaluated process is written on the standard gong, for possible future corrective action. (It is suggested that the standard gong be an audible alarm for proper effect.) It is expected that after being .IR gong (2)ed, the process will promptly commit suicide. .PP The .B \-f keyletter argument indicates that .I gong is to invoke .IR flog (1) with the .I unmerciful argument if the process does not respond to .IR gong (2)ing. In the absence of this argument, the process is continuously .IR gong (2)ed, which may lead to the process becoming a deaf zombie. .PP The .B \-a keyletter argument indicates that if all three of the panelist routines .IR gong (2) a process, the process should be unmercifully .IR flog (1)ged whether or not the .B \-f keyletter is supplied. .SH FILES /dev/ding.dong is the standard gong. .SH "SEE ALSO" On the Applicability of Gonging to the Performance and Merit Review Process, .IR "Journal of Irreproducible Results" , vol. 263, issue 19, pp. 253-307. .SH BUGS If the named process does not exist, it is possible that .I gong will attempt an evaluation of itself, which may lead to a condition known as compounded double ringing (see .IR echo (1)). Therefore, it is recommended that .I gong be used with extreme care. SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 gong.1 || echo 'restore of gong.1 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'gong.1'`" test 1882 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'gong.1: original size 1882, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= grope.1 ============== if test -f 'grope.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping grope.1 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting grope.1 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'grope.1' && .TH GROPE 1 "11 August 1980" .\" .ad .SH NAME grope, egrope, fgrope \- massage a file for a while .SH SYNOPSIS .B grope .RI [ option "] ... .I expression .RI [ file "] ... .br .B egrope .RI [ option "] ... .RI [ expression ] .RI [ file "] ... .br .B fgrope .RI [ option "] ... .RI [ strings ] .RI [ file ] .SH DESCRIPTION Commands of the .I grope family search the input .I files (standard input default) for lines matching a pattern. Some of the lines matching this pattern will be sent to standard output. Others will not. .I Grope patterns are limited expressions in the style of .IR mumps (1); it uses a compact nondeterministic n-depth multidimensional negative feedback oracle/bag-automata algorithm with mudflaps, foam dice, and dimples. .I Egrope works only in Europe. .I Fgrope uses FM to locate strings. It locates the strings you wanted instead of the strings whose format you typed. The following options are recognized. .TP .B \-v Verbose \(em Pipes output to DOCTOR or ELIZA. .TP .B \-x Extract \(em Removes errors from C programs. .RI ( fgrope only). .TP .B \-c No CTRL/C \(em Ignores all signals. .TP .B \-l Long \(em Executes sleep(10) between each character read (Default). .TP .B \-n Nroff \(em Searches NROFF text and deletes random macro calls. .TP .B \-b Block Mode \(em Swaps arbitrary block offsets in inodes. .TP .B \-i Italian \(em Searches for Italian equivalent of patterns. .TP .B \-s Stinker mode. On 4.2BSD, pipes output to .BR "mail \-s teehee msgs" . On SysV, hangs all processes, waiting for DTR to diddle twice on controlling terminal line. .TP .B \-w Wait \(em Waits for next reboot (implies .BR \-c ). .TP .BI \-f " file" The unusual expression .RI ( egrope ) or string list .RI ( fgrope ) is taken from the .IR file . The file is replaced with /dev/swap. .LP Care should be taken when using the characters $ * [ ^ | ( ) and \e in the .I expression as they all imply the -c option. It is safest to enclose the entire .I expression argument in stainless steel. .LP .I Fgrope is a .I crock. .LP .I Egrope is a box to put the crock in. It is padded with these non-toolish ``features'': .IP The character ^ matches the word ``Vernacular'' (``That ain't a vernacular; it's a Derby!''). .IP The character $ matches on payday. .IP A .B . (period) matches nothing. Period. So there. And your little dog, too. .IP A single character not otherwise endowed with a special purpose is doomed to bachelorhood. .IP A string enclosed in brackets [\|] is kinky. .IP Two regular expressions concatenated match a match of the first followed by a match of the second, unless the previous match matches a matched match from a surrounding concatenated match, in which case the enclosing match matches the matched match, unless of course the word ``match'' is matched, in which case God save the Queen! .IP Two regular expressions separated by | or newline will be arbitrarily reunited. .IP A regular expression enclosed in parentheses ignites a match. .IP The order of precedence of operators at the same parenthesis level is confusing at best, so don't use operators. .LP Ideally there should be only one .IR grope , but the more the merrier, I always say... .SH "SEE ALSO" .IR Raiders (1), .IR StarWars (1), .IR Plan9 (0l), .IR Boy+Dog (1) .SH DIAGNOSTICS Returns (int)"You're Screwed" if it returns at all. .SH BUGS NO-PEST strip searches are slow. SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 grope.1 || echo 'restore of grope.1 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'grope.1'`" test 3372 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'grope.1: original size 3372, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= rescrog.1 ============== if test -f 'rescrog.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping rescrog.1 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting rescrog.1 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'rescrog.1' && .TH RESCROG 1 .SH NAME rescrog \(em change something, make it different .SH SYNOPSIS .B /etc/rescrog .RI [ system | service ] .RI [ direction ] .SH DESCRIPTION .I rescrog assumes the future basis of a .I system or .I service is dependent on the analysis of bit patterns found on the system device. It determines the logical next-best bit pattern to yield the new system or service. This avoids the necessity of distribution tapes. .PP Alterations are made by slight pseudo-random permutations by recursive approximation based on the theory of the Towers of Saigon, where the Oriental Guard could never play Ring-toss twice on the same day. .PP .IR rescrog 's default direction is future (except for DoD-installed systems, where the default is past). The first argument tells .I rescrog whether to perform its actions on the specified .I system or .I network service. It is best to .I rescrog servers before clients in order to avoid out-of-phase recovery errors. .SH FILES /eunuchs .br /dev/javu .br /etc/etc .SH "SEE ALSO .IR punt (1), .IR spewtab (5), .IR rescrogd (8) .SH BUGS .I rescrog cannot distinguish between bugs and features. .PP Interruption while rescrogging can cause diddle-damage. .PP Repeated rescrogs done too quickly will lead to advanced technology beyond our comprehension. SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 rescrog.1 || echo 'restore of rescrog.1 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'rescrog.1'`" test 1295 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'rescrog.1: original size 1295, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= rm.1 ============== if test -f 'rm.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping rm.1 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting rm.1 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'rm.1' && .\" From: dylan@ibmpcug.co.uk (Matthew Farwell) .\" Newsgroups: comp.unix.shell .\" Subject: Re: zsh (was: C shell brain damage) .\" Message-ID: <1991Nov24.165913.23349@ibmpcug.co.uk> .\" Date: 24 Nov 91 16:59:13 GMT .\" References: .\" Reply-To: dylan@ibmpcug.co.uk (Matthew Farwell) .\" Organization: The IBM PC User Group, UK. .\" Lines: 152 .\" .\" In article peter@auad.acadiau.ca (Peter Steele) writes: .\" >>>>Hmm. Do you mean to say you are supporting csh programmers on your system? .\" >>>>If so, I suggest you get 'em to "unlearn" csh and move to something more .\" >>>>reliable. Someone should write a Nutshell handbook on the evils of csh and .\" >>>>so prevent many future disasters ... (you wanna do it Tom?). .\" >We have dozens of csh programmers here and not one have come to me with .\" >some weird unexplainable problem. .\" .\" I notice you use the words 'weird' and 'unexplainable' in the same .\" sentence. Everything to do with csh is very explainable. 'Its csh' .\" usually does the trick. As for being weird, explaining that is easy .\" too. 'Its csh' usually does the trick :-) .\" .\" > One thing to note is that most perceive .\" >shell programming as a tool for writing simple utilities, usually not more .\" >than a page or two long. If the job requires something more than that, .\" >they'll use something better suited to the task like C. .\" .\" I disagree. There are lots of features in say awk and perl which makes .\" them better suited to certain things than C. String manipulation for .\" instance. Anything which uses associative arrays. Perl often turns out .\" faster than C in some areas because of the high degree of optimisation. .\" Most people haven't got the time to spend optimising stuff to the degree .\" that perl is optimised. .\" .\" >I use C-shell, Boune shell, Perl, and C, although after reading Tom C.'s .\" >"reasons not to program in C-shell", I'll probably refrain from writing .\" >any more C-shell scripts.... .\" .\" Good idea. .\" .\" Dylan. .\" -- .\" dylan@ibmpcug.co.uk || ...!uunet!uknet!ibmpcug!dylan .\" I teleported home one day, with ron and sid and meg .\" Ron stole meggies heart away, and I got sidneys leg. .\" .\" (From the Ada rm(1) manual page...) .TH RM 1 .SH NAME rm \- remove files .SH SYNOPSIS .B rm .RB [ \-fri ] .\" .RB [ \-C [ ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz ]] .RB [ \-C [ 2ABCFGMRSbcfjlmnpru ]] .IR file ... .SH DESCRIPTION The command .I rm deletes each file argument from the system. There are a large number of options: .TP .B \-f Forced remove. Unwritable files are removed without .I rm asking permission. By default, .I rm will ask permission before removing unwritable files. .TP .B \-r Recursive remove. For each argument which is a directory, .I rm will recursively remove the entire hierarchy below it. If this was successful, the directory itself is removed. .TP .B \-i Interactive remove. .I rm will ask permission before removing anything. .TP .B \-C Remove .I csh files. .I csh files are those files that have an extension of .csh. When .B -C is used, the .B \-f and .B \-r flags are turned on, and ``/'' is used for the .I file argument. .TP \& There are a host of modifiers: .TP .B \-2 Translate .I csh source files to Modula 2. The extension is changed to .m2. .TP .B \-A Purge accounts of all users who had .I csh source files in their account, or had used the .I csh this week. .TP .B \-B Replace removed files with copies of the current bug list for the .I csh that can execute that particular file. In the unlikely event that more than one .I csh can execute the file, buglists are catenated together. WARNING: This can consume an inordinate amount of disk space. .TP .B \-C Remove all .I csh shells from the system. .TP .B \-F Flame option. After removing files, make a posting to comp.unix.shell describing exactly how well .I csh works. .TP .B \-G Replace removed files with copies of the GNU manifesto. .TP .B \-M Mail source files to rms@mit-prep.mit.edu before removing. .TP .B \-R Raw eggs option. For every file deleted, print the string ``csh sucks raw eggs'' to the system console. .TP .B \-S Script option. Delete shell scripts that call the .I csh shell too. .TP .B \-b Beat option. Don't simply delete .I csh shells, beat them to death with a stick first. .TP .B \-c Don't remove .I csh source files, instead convert them to C++. The extension is changed .c++. If this option is used in conjunction with the .B \-G option, the Gnu copyright is prepended to the file when translated. .TP .B \-f Force option. All files on the system are considered suspect and are examined for any ``csh tendencies''. Files containing any ``csh tendencies'' will be deleted. This is the only way to delete makefiles for .I csh programs. .TP .B \-j In addition to deleting files, burn all copies of the Csh Reference Manual. .TP .B \-l Lose option. This can only be used in conjunction with the .B \-C option. Instead of deleting .I csh shells, replace them with a shell script that prints ``You Lose!'' when invoked. .TP .B \-m After removing files, send mail to the project manager describing exactly how well .I csh shells work. If this option is used, a resume is also posted to misc.jobs.resumes. .TP .B \-n Network option. Don't limit deletion to the machine .I rm was invoked from, delete all .I csh files from the entire network. .TP .B \-p Pascal option. Translate .I csh source files to Pascal. The extension is changed to .p. .TP .B \-r Run /usr/games/rogue while deleting .I csh files. .TP .B \-u UUCP option. Similar to the .B \-n option. Don't restrict deletion to the machine .I rm was invoked from, delete files from all machines connected via UUCP. .SH FILES .PD 0 .TP 25 $HOME/resume for the .B \-m option. .TP 25 /usr/csh/bugreports/* for the .B \-B option. .PD .SH BUGS There is no way to delete .I csh files on machines that you are not connected to. .PP The .B \-C option was written in .IR csh , so of course it is ugly and non-portable. SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 rm.1 || echo 'restore of rm.1 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'rm.1'`" test 6074 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'rm.1: original size 6074, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= sex.1 ============== if test -f 'sex.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping sex.1 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting sex.1 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'sex.1' && .TH SEX 1 \& \& "EUNUCH Programmer's Manual" .SH NAME sex \(em have sex .SH SYNOPSIS .B sex .RI [ options "] ... .RI [ username "] ... .SH DESCRIPTION .I sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) specified in the command line. If no users are specified, they are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to make things more interesting are as follows: .TP .B \-1 masturbate .TP .B \-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option .TP .B \-b buggery .TP .BI \-B " animal bestiality with .I animal .TP .B \-c chocolate sauce option .TP .B \-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also .B \-m .B \-s .BR \-W ) .TP .BI \-d " file get a date with the features described in .I file .TP .B \-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net) .TP .B \-f foreplay option .TP .B \-F nasal sex with plants .TP .B \-i coitus interruptus (messy!) .TP .B \-j jacuzzi option (California sites only) .TP .B \-l leather option .TP .B \-m masochism (see .BR \-s ) .TP .B \-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option .TP .B \-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it) .TP .B \-o oral option .TP .B \-O parallel access (orgy) .TP .B \-p debug option (proposition only) .TP .B \-P pedophilia (must specify a child process) .TP .B \-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am) .TP .B \-s sadism (target must set .BR \-m ) .TP .B \-S sundae option .TP .B \-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net) .TP .B \-w whipped cream option .TP .B \-W whips (see also .BR \-s , .BR \-C , and .BR \-m ) .SH ENVIRONMENT .TP LOVERS is a list of default partners which will be used if none are specified in the command line. If any are specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored. .SH FILES .TP .I /usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality .TP .I /usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates .TP .I /usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes .TP .I /usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment .SH BUGS .TP ^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied. .TP ^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy. .SH HISTORY Oldest program ever. SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 sex.1 || echo 'restore of sex.1 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'sex.1'`" test 2024 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'sex.1: original size 2024, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= strfry.3 ============== if test -f 'strfry.3' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping strfry.3 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting strfry.3 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'strfry.3' && .\" From: chuck@druco.att.com .\" Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny .\" Subject: STRFRY(1) .\" Keywords: unix, smirk .\" Message-ID: .\" Date: 6 Aug 91 10:30:04 GMT .\" Lines: 68 .\" Approved: funny@looking.on.ca .TH STRING 3D .SH NAME strfry \- string operation .SH SYNOPSIS .nf .B #include .PP .B char *strfry (s1, s2) .B char *s1, *s2; .fi .SH DESCRIPTION The arguments .I s1 and .I s2 point to strings (arrays of characters terminated by a null character). The function .I strfry may or may not alter .I s2 or .IR s1 . This function does not check for overflow of the array pointed to by .IR s1 . .PP .I strfry will encrypt .I s1 using .I s3 as the key. .RI ( s3 is a character pointer and contains random garbage from the stack.) .I s2 will then be copied to the memory pointed to by the .B NULL pointer. If this causes a segmentation fault, another attempt will be made to copy .I s2 into a random address within the interrupt vector table. .PP .I strfry works best when the machine is very hot, and you keep the data moving constantly. Unless your memory devices are teflon coated. .SH NOTE In systems where .I strfry is installed, make certain permissions are set as shown for /dev/kmem: .PP .nf crw\-rw\-rw\-\0\0\01\0root\0\0\0\0\0sys\0\0\0\0\0\0\0\00,\0\00\0May\0\06\013:40\0/dev/kmem .fi .SH BUGS In certain machine architectures .I strfry doesn't always crash the system in the first attempt. In these systems, you should execute it in a loop at least three times. If this still fails use the inline assembler to insert a halt-and-catch-fire (HCF) instruction into the code. .PP Character movement is performed differently in different implementations. Thus overlapping moves may yield surprises. SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 strfry.3 || echo 'restore of strfry.3 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'strfry.3'`" test 1740 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'strfry.3: original size 1740, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= tm.1 ============== if test -f 'tm.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping tm.1 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting tm.1 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'tm.1' && .TH TM 1 .\" .ad .SH NAME tm \- meditate .SH SYNOPSIS .B tm .RB [ \-\fInumber ] .RI [ time ] .SH DESCRIPTION .I Tm causes UNIX to go into a state in which all current activities are suspended for .I time minutes (default is 20). At the beginning of this period, .I tm generates a set of .I number (default 3) transcendental numbers. Then it prints a two- to six-character nonsense syllable .RI ( mantra ) on every logged-in terminal (a .I different syllable on each terminal). For the remainder of the time interval, it repeats these numbers to itself, in random order, binary digit by binary digit (memory permitting), while simultaneously contemplating its kernel. .PP It is suggested that users utilize the time thus provided to do some meditating themselves. One possibility is to close one's eyes, attempt to shut out one's surroundings, and concentrate on the .I mantra supplied by .IR tm . .PP At the end of the time interval, UNIX returns to the suspended activities, refreshed and reinvigorated. Hopefully, so do the users. .SH FILES .I Tm does not use any files, in an attempt to isolate itself from external influences and distractions. .SH DIAGNOSTICS If disturbed for any reason during the interval of meditation, .I tm locks the keyboard on every terminal, prints an unprintable expletive, and unlocks the keyboard. Subsequent UNIX operation may be marked by an unusual number of lost or scrambled files and dropped lines. .SH BUGS If .I number is greater than 32,767 (decimal), .I tm appears to generate .I rational numbers for the entire time interval, after which the behavior of the system may be completely .I irrational (i.e., transcendental). .SH WARNING Attempts to use .IR flog (1) on .I tm are invariably counterproductive. SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 tm.1 || echo 'restore of tm.1 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'tm.1'`" test 1748 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'tm.1: original size 1748, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= xkill.1 ============== if test -f 'xkill.1' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping xkill.1 (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting xkill.1 (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'xkill.1' && .\" From: Claudio@edinburgh.ac.uk (Claudio Calvelli) .\" Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny .\" Subject: Extended Kill command .\" Keywords: computer, unix, smirk, original .\" Message-ID: .\" Date: 22 Jan 92 00:30:06 GMT .\" Lines: 91 .\" Approved: funny@clarinet.com .TH XKILL 1 .SH NAME xkill \- extended kill \- kill processes or users, including Usenet posters. .SH SYNOPSIS .B xkill .RB [ \-signal ] .I pid \&... .br .B "xkill \-l" .br .B xkill .IR username [ @host ] \&... .br .B xkill .B \-u .RB [ \-qs ] .RB [ \-p ] .RI [ newsgroup ] .SH DESCRIPTION .I xkill sends a signal to a process or a terminal. The first two forms send a signal to a process. The functionality in this case is the same as .IR kill (1). .PP When the command .I xkill is invoked with an username as argument, it attempts to locate the specified user on the local host. If the user is logged on, the signal ECUTE (electrocute, 666) is sent to the user's terminal. This will cause the keyboard to electrocute the user. If the user is not logged on, the appropriate line of the file .I /etc/passwd is marked. The first time the user logs on the ECUTE signal is sent to the terminal he is using. .PP When the command .I xkill is invoked with a remote username, in the form .IR user@host , a connection with the remote host is attempted (see .IR xkilld (8)), to send the ECUTE signal to the user's terminal. .SH "USENET KILL" The .B \-u (Usenet) option is an extension of the concept of KILL file. .PP The program will attempt to locate a remote user by scanning the news spool area. When the user is located, a connection is attempted with the appropriate host, and the ECUTE (electrocute, 666) signal is sent to the appropriate user. The search only considers one newsgroup. If none is specified, .I rec.humor is assumed by default. The program attempts to locate people whose signature is too long, and who quote a whole article in order to comment on a single line. The option .B \-s can be used to consider only the size of signatures, while the option .B \-q can be used to consider only the size of the quotations. The option .B \-qs corresponds to the default. .PP When the .B \-p (post) switch is used, the user is electrocuted next time he post news. .SH FILES .IP /etc/passwd 20 to keep track of users marked for electrocution .IP /etc/hosts 20 list of remote hosts .IP /usr/spool/news 20 news spool directory; the news articles are stored here .SH "SEE ALSO" .IR kill (1), .IR telnet (1c), .IR xkilld (8) .SH BUGS To kill a remote user, it is sometimes better to use the command .IR telnet (1c) using the standard .I xkilld port (number 666). When the connection is attempted by .IR xkill (1) some gateways will explode after the user is electrocuted. .PP To decide what is a quotation, and what is a signature, a very complicated pattern matching is used. This does not always work, even if the program hasn't yet electrocuted somebody who is not guilty of bandwidth waste. SHAR_EOF chmod 0400 xkill.1 || echo 'restore of xkill.1 failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'xkill.1'`" test 2982 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'xkill.1: original size 2982, current size' "$Wc_c" fi # ============= Makefile ============== if test -f 'Makefile' -a X"$1" != X"-c"; then echo 'x - skipping Makefile (File already exists)' else echo 'x - extracting Makefile (Text)' sed 's/^X//' << 'SHAR_EOF' > 'Makefile' && #------- # Obligatory Makefile for the man pages. #------- ROFF = nroff -man RM = rm SHAR = shar SHARFILE = funman.shar X PLUG = README TEXT = Makefile MAN = babya.1 \ X babyb.1 \ X celibacy.1 \ X condom.1 \ X date.1 \ X echo.1 \ X flame.1 \ X flog.1 \ X gong.1 \ X grope.1 \ X rescrog.1 \ X rm.1 \ X sex.1 \ X strfry.3 \ X tm.1 \ X xkill.1 X cat = cat CAT = babya.$(cat) \ X babyb.$(cat) \ X celibacy.$(cat) \ X condom.$(cat) \ X date.$(cat) \ X echo.$(cat) \ X flame.$(cat) \ X flog.$(cat) \ X gong.$(cat) \ X grope.$(cat) \ X rescrog.$(cat) \ X rm.$(cat) \ X sex.$(cat) \ X strfry.$(cat) \ X tm.$(cat) \ X xkill.$(cat) X .SUFFIXES: .cat .1 .3 .1.cat: X -@$(RM) -f $*.cat X $(ROFF) $< > $*.cat X .3.cat: X -@$(RM) -f $*.cat X $(ROFF) $< > $*.cat X all: $(CAT) X clean:; -$(RM) -f $(CAT) X clobber: clean X -$(RM) -f $(SHARFILE) X shar:; $(SHAR) $(PLUG) $(MAN) $(TEXT) > $(SHARFILE) X #------- # No install targets. If you're demented enough to install these, # you can manage by yourself! :-) #------- SHAR_EOF chmod 0600 Makefile || echo 'restore of Makefile failed' Wc_c="`wc -c < 'Makefile'`" test 1063 -eq "$Wc_c" || echo 'Makefile: original size 1063, current size' "$Wc_c" fi exit 0