20th February 2022 - Fear
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Written while listening to the magnificent William Onyeabor who I 
discovered via the radio yesterday. Heartily recommend the songs 'When 
the Going is Smooth & Good' and 'Atomic Bomb'. Expect bold bombastic 
beats with horns and oddly reedy organs thrown in. Disco psychedelia 
with a Nigerian beat perhaps? 

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We all experience fear. Some more than others. Some actively seek that 
feeling of fear for the adrenaline rush. Fear is a fundamental emotion 
to the extent that conquering a fear is a common narrative trope.  

Yesterday, I went climbing with some friends and it got me thinking 
about fear and how ridiculous it can make us feel. These friends are 
preparing to take a climbing instructor course and panicking about all 
of the different ways they need to show competance. One of the areas 
which worries them is lead climbing. For those who do not climb, there 
are 3 key types of climbing - top rope, lead and bouldering. 
Bouldering is focused on technical skills performed while not tied in 
on small walls. Top rope is what you probably have in mind. A rope is 
looped through a carabiner at the top of the wall with the climber 
tied in on one end and the belayer attached at the other end. If the 
climber falls, they will only fall a short distance depending on how 
tight the belayer keeps the rope. Lead on the other hand is about 
having a climber attached to a rope but they have to clip the rope in 
at intervals on the wall. If they fall, they will fall a fair distance 
due to the rope not being able to be held tight by the belayer. Before 
Covid, my friends were pretty solid lead climbers who managed 
intermidiate difficulties of climbs. After covid, this skill and 
confidence has disappeared. As part of their instructor course, they 
have to show that they can do relatively basic lead climbs. This can 
be on a flat wall but normally you would be expected to do this on 
walls with overhangs. This is where part of the wall protrudes out and 
you have to climb out from the wall and over this feature. Big moves 
are often required. It is not unreasonable to be expected to clear an 
overhang problem as part of the course. 

My friends have been building up their confidence over the past few 
weeks and started to tackle some of these overhangs. The one friend, 
who I shall call S, picked a reasonably simple looking route. It had 
plenty of holds which looked to be in the right places. S got up to 
the overhang and was hanging from their arms at the point where the 
overhang becomes flat again. All S needed to do was push hard from the 
legs and swing the left arm up to a hold. This is common. However, S 
was above the last clip point and the next clip looked fairly far 
away. As S looked, a whimper came from their lips. S was not happy and 
started panting in panic. An occasional swing happened but the left 
arm never went above the overhang. S had to give up. Now this is 
something that S can physically do and height is not the issue. S has 
climbed stupidly large walls on lead climbs before. This was purely a 
response to an incident from years ago where S ended up falling and 
getting caught up in the rope. Their instructor had instructed them 
incorrectly. Now S is left a gibbering wreck while looking at 
overhangs regardless of what S knows. They know they are safe. They 
have fallen many times and been fine other than bruised pride. Yet, S 
has this mental blocker. I am not sure how I can help them through it. 
My go to is concentration meditation but this does not feel like 
something S is willing to do. 

I got thinking about my own climbing fears too. Falling does not 
bother me really but it sort of does. There are devices called 
auto-belays which enable you to climb top rope without a belayer. You 
strap in and when you let go, the device applies a resistance to 
ensure you fall at a controlled rate. I know they work. I know they 
are fine. I have used them many times and yet there is always a moment 
of not wanting to let go. It is fleeting and I find I have to just 
leap off. When I am being belayed, I also have an element of fear. I 
am currently rebuilding muscle after some fun statin related muscle 
wasting times. I am also a fat git. When top rope climbing, I find 
myself giving up too quickly. It could be from finding myself clinging 
on the wall too long while trying to work out the next move or when 
the next move is a high risk move. In both cases I will just give up 
and get lowered down rather than try and fall. Due to my weight being 
greater than the belayer, I worry about pulling them upwards. This can 
be dangerous and one reason why you cannt get someone light to belay 
someone heavy. I have fallen and my belayer has always caught me 
without being in danger. Yet that does not conquer my fear that I will 
hurt them. This is something I am still battling and I think it will 
be a battle for a fair while yet. 

Fears are often silly but stem from something deep. The key to 
confronting those fears is to understand why and then develop 
strategies to help you fight instinct. This could be finding ways to 
stop the brain from shouting "RUN", learning more about what you fear 
or simply doing the thing which you fear. Understanding fear helps you 
confront it but it does not stop you from feeling silly at how hard it 
is to let go from the wall when attached to an autobelay!