This is a small microblog meant to replace the urge to rant on twitter.
I haven't been sleeping. For so long.
I've been attempting to use various sleep aids and the marihuanas to try and get myself to sleep but at this point I seem to be able to stay awake through anything. It's so fucking miserable.
But, on the other hand, I'm planning out a series of really cool workshops for youth.
I've been having a really rough week. The owner of the non-profit I help run has basically become...I don't know, someone I can't work with. He's done some fairly shady things financially lately and when I've tried to correct his mistakes---having thought they were honest mistakes---he's now taken to accusing me of freelancing and "double dipping" in ways that make no damn sense at all.
I'm wondering if he's actually corrupt somehow or if he's just that bad at his job.
It's hard to fucking say.
I'm hoping to actually get more time to work on real things in the next couple of weeks, maybe make some fucking headway on this makerspace rather than it slipping away to constantly fighting dumb fires.
I've had some really awful weeks lately. I've barely managed to not do something Really Stupid, if you catch my drift, and I've also only barely been functional.
It's coming at a price to people I care about and I don't know how to deal with that.
In a month from now either my life is going to have been an incredible series of victories or I'll have fucked literally everything in my life up.
I'm so keyed up and frustrated because everything is just overwhelming right now.
I'm working on so many cool things but I'm also just tired all the time.
So currently I'm working on
My life is weird but kind of awesome but mostly weird.
Oh my fucking god I had ten hours of emails today my life is hell
I'm a really insecure person who doesn't know how to deal with good things.
That is all.
Holy fucking shit I think I've managed to get a math department chair in my corner on bringing proof assistants to broader math education both in undergrad and k-12
This is the most like I've felt like the life I'm building is sustainable in a long time
Had a one month anniversary today! It was a nice day but I'm dreading tomorrow and dealing with meetings and my boss and everything.
He's being a jackass lately about demanding that I respond to email within 24 hours and it's fucking nanomanagement.
I've been trying my best to do right by everyone I know and care about.
It's like that song Stained Glass "It's not the best there is but it's the best that I can do".
My life has been strange lately. So many new things have happened most of them good.
A new relationship, a flood of money to help save my non-profit, funding for the community makerspace I'm building.
So much good but a lot of hard along the way.
I'm trying to delegate more of many too many obligations, in hopes that I won't completely burn out and do something stupid and self-destructive.
It's been a weird time, lately. I've gotten vaccinated but it took me out for a week. My work has been busy and frustrating. Social media still manages to piss me off if I look at it for more than a few seconds, but I don't know how else to follow artists I like.
I've been on a Neil Postman binge thanks to cmccabe of rawtext fame. Reading this kind of cultural criticism is good but it also makes me feel broody and sad.
I went on twitter for five minutes and got immediately pissed the fuck off by a Hot Take. This one in particular being someone claiming that they won't trust activists who don't stick to their own race because they think everyone should be working in their own communities rather than trying to build coalitions.
Cool. That seems like a good idea. I can see why you have 600k people listening to you every day. Brilliant beyond compare.
I'm trying hard to get excited about buying all this equipment rather than just scared that I'm going to ruin this community space by being dumb and bad.
I need the internet to stop giving me ads like I'm a bitcoin dweeb. Guys, I don't like your sudoku bucks bullshit. You're not a useful currency. You're a pyramid scheme.
Again I say unto you: complementary currencies and decentralized finance aren't bad, but this is clearly bullshit.
I'm kinda at the end of my rope. I'm stressed out about so many things that I can't sleep and the lack of sleep is making it harder to work. I'm moving at a snail's pace because I'm so tired and that means I can't sleep I can't rest I can't anything.
To be momentarily crass
This. Fucking. Sucks.
My partner went on T. It's a glorious day out today. I have an insane amount of shit to do that I'm not at all prepared for.
Let's see what happens.
I can't wait until this grant work is done. I need a fucking vacation.
I wish I could just never have live meetings. I find them so exhausting. I feel guilty that I deliberately skpped one today that tends to stress me out really badly.
I read something that called a lot of the culture coming out of the intersection of social justice and social media a kind of "rule utilitarianism", where the metric being maximized is comfort.
This then leads to really inflexible rules based on feeling good, feeling moral, feeling safe rather than actually being any of those things.
This seemed depressingly accurate.
I find basically all cryptocurrency stuff frustrating. Its not inherently bad but I think the bad parts are going to give us the equivalent of an AI winter.
I don't know why I don't let myself read more in the mornings. It just makes everything easier. I like letting myself chew on ideas first thing.
hot damn do I love this pilot custom 92. I'm writing so many pages a day without pain and its incredible.
Today wasn't bad but then the band on my fitness tracker broke. No, not the band. The plastic joint where the band hooks onto the device itself. That just clean broke off and there's not an obvious way to jury-rig it bag together.
Hellfire.
I had a beer while writing. I think it helped me stop being so anxious so I could finally finish this article that's overdue. However, I found out that I need to actually travel for a couple of hours round trip while it's still a pandemic and I'm not vaccinated so I'm still stressed.
Yay.
Oh my god I'm on a sleep streak of two. Dare I dream of a world where I can sleep every night for an entire week?
Can the world even support such a change in the natural order?
Feeling desirable as a trans person is a goddamn radical act. I will not be taking questions at this time.
Watched a bit of a series called "When Phones Were Fun" tonight after dinner. Like I was alive for all this technology but it still feels really alien to me. I had a Motorola Razr back in the day because we got it on sale and it was like a couple years after they were the hit thing.
It's just weird to think about how much all of this has changed in just a bit over a decade.
Do you ever find yourself wanting a low abv, crisp, beer while you work? As an American I feel instensly guilty for this even though most of the world understands that writing and thinking require a little lubrication.
I keep having to restart my attempt at writing down all my thoughts on the phenomenology of computation.
The problem is that I kept wanting to have some really profound thoughts without them actually needing revision or making any mistakes.
That's pretty silly for an original research project, right?
The nice thing about the smol internet is that I can complain about internet celebrities who are harassment happy without them being able to easily find and swarm me.
Talking about you, Jesse "The Chaser" Singal. Jackass.