PAIN 

                       Meaning and purpose 
                   in the life of a Christian 


     The �experience �of �pain, �in whatever �form �it �takes �is 
universal.  ��Human �suffering �is one of �the �world's �greatest 
unanswered �questions.  ��Especially �during the newness �of �the 
Christmas season, do we become more and more aware of the mystery 
involved �in �it.  �I'm not writing this article �to �attempt �an 
answer to the suffering question.  �I am writing instead, �simply 
to �share �some �of my thoughts and experiences �on �the �matter.  
Also, ��perhaps by examining my mistakes, �and efforts in dealing 
with pain, �you will have something to fall back on when it comes 
your way ... as it inevitably will. 
     Just by way of background, I was on Cross Fire '75, the team 
to West Africa.  �I �spent much of the fifteen months we traveled 
in �pain, �and incredible fatigue.  �I �never really took it �too 
seriously, ��as �most �of �us were sick �regularly.  ��It �became 
frustrating for me, and the entire team though, when my illnesses 
outweighed my healthy times.  �The situation reached a crisis the 
final �month �of �team when I just couldn't �continue.  ��I ��was 
hospitalized �at �the �end �of �August �1976, ��and �due �to �the 
persistence of a caring doctor, �discovered I was the victim (and 
had �been �for years) �of an incurable, �and �oftentimes �cruelly 
painful �disease called Systemic Lupus Erythemetosis.  �Lupus for 
short.  The cause, and the cure remain unknown. 
     I remember laying in the hospital in a state of �dis-belief.  
My �head �whirled with questions, �but none so prevalent �as �the 
eternal "why?"  Why me ... why now ... why this?  I �was suddenly 
faced with the reality that I would be dealing with pain on a day 
to �day �basis for the rest of my life.  �In the fear �that �such 
thoughts bring, I began to observe the attitudes toward suffering 
in �the �people �around me.  �Most of us view pain �as �something 
alien, ��something �to �eradicate �and be rid of �as �quickly �as 
possible.  This attitude may be fine when you deal with ills that 
are �temporal, �definable, �and curable.  �But not all �suffering 
falls �into those categories.  �What do we say to those ills �and 
accidents ��that ��leave �their �victims �permanently ��disabled, 
disfigured, or mentally incapacitated?  �We cannot simply dismiss 
them.  They are real, and difficult, and very much a mystery. 
     When a Christian deals with life situations, we must keep in 
mind �the �fact that God is a mystery.  �He cannot be defined �or 
explained by our limited knowledge.  �Who hasn't heard someone in 
desperation or grief ask the unanswerable "why?"  And who had the 
power and wisdom to respond?  Once we accept that sometimes there 
are �no �answers, �at least for now, �we experience a release �of 
those gnawing doubts, �and become free to start learning.  ��When 
there �are �no answers, �only questions for us, �we must look �to 
Christ, ��and �His example.  �Jesus felt.  �He hurt and �laughed, 
suffered �and died as we all must.  �He was and is God incarnate, 
sensitive counselor to our despair, �as He has felt the very same 
pain we do.  �C.S. Lewis, upon the death of a dear friend, �wrote 
in his book A Grief Observed: 
     "When �I lay these questions before God, �I �get no �answer.  
But, a rather special no answer.  It is not a locked door.  It is 
more �like a silent, �certainly not unkind gaze.  �As �though �He 
shook His head, �not in refusal, but waiving the question.  Like, 
'Peace Child, you don't understand." 
     The �enigma of pain reflects the mystery of God.  �It begins 
as a journey of trust.  We can choose to accept and deal with our 
frailty, ��or, �like Ivan Dostoevsky stated, �"If God offered �me 
suffering �as a pass through life, �I �for one would �return �the 
ticket."  �We can face, �and even learn from the realities of our 
humanity, or we can run from them. 
     Why �must suffering remain a mystery?  �I �can't give a �pat 
answer, ��but isn't it true that the times we are closest to �the 
Lord �are those times we have no control?  �For me these are also 
the hours of my greatest sensitivity and compassion to those near 
me.  ��It's �only when our efforts to rationalize �and �eradicate 
seemingly useless pain are gone, �and we reach the end of our own 
rope, �we see Christ's strength available to us.  �If the mystery 
were �fully explained, �there would be no crisis.  �Most of �all, 
there �would �be no need of our faith walk with God.  ��Pain �and 
suffering are not some type of Cosmic Character Builders sent �by 
the �Almighty.  �They are however, �used by Him to strengthen and 
cleanse our relationship to Him and to each other. 
     As �Christians �we �believe that God's �promises �are �true.  
Romans 8:28 �reminds us that the Lord is ever present and working 
in our trials.  Sometimes this is comforting, but often, the pain 
is still there, �and still very hard to cope with.  �Just because 
we �know we are living a mystery, �and God is using it, ��doesn't 
make �it hurt any less.  �But so much of our suffering depends on 
our �attitude �toward �it.  �It's very human, ��and �necessary �I 
believe, ��to �experience �fear, �anger, ��self-pity, ��and �even 
bitterness.  �We wouldn't be normal if these emotions didn't pass 
through us.  �I think so often of one of my African friends, �who 
when I reached a high pitched frustration, would always shake his 
head and say, �"Kristi, it will pass."  It will pass.  Fear, �and 
all �of the so-called "negative" �emotions that follow it can �be 
healthy, �normative, �and even creative forces in our lives.  ��A 
well balanced emotional human is capable of them all.  �They only 
become evil when we allow them to immobilize and blind us to �the 
lessons �we could be learning.  �Personally, �I �have �chosen �to 
concentrate on life, �my life as it is now.  �I �cannot wish �the 
pain away, or ignore it.  It has become a very real part of who I 
am.  ��But what I can do, �whether I am suffering or not, �is �to 
concentrate �on �the �health �that exists �inside �of �me.  ��The 
acceptance of my human condition, �in the light of God's promises 
leads to a fresh hope, and a new peace of mind. 
     As �I study the Bible, �I'm always amazed at the �incredible 
sensitivity Jesus has toward us.  �We humans, �unfortunately �are 
much �more ego-centric in our view of suffering.  �We �mean �well 
usually, but never quite know what to say or do.  In sharing with 
a �person in pain, �or dealing with it yourself, �it is vital �to 
remember �that �the �suffering Christian lives �with �a �constant 
reminder �of �his/her �frailty.  �There is no question �that �God 
heals, ��likewise �there �is �no question that �we �don't �always 
understand �how �He �does so.  �Ours is not a total �theology �of 
glory.  We live, as Martin Luther puts it, �"In the shadow of the 
Cross."  ��We �must take this cross seriously, �with all of �it's 
implications.  There is no victory without defeat, �glory without 
shame, �or health without suffering.  �For example; I �cannot say 
that I have been healed of my disease. (Not yet anyway) I can say 
however, �that I have been healed of many other things through my 
disease.  ��I've �never felt as loved as when I discovered I �had 
Lupus.  I saw Christ alive through the caring of His church, �and 
I ��experienced �firsthand �the �sensitivity �and �faith �of �His 
followers.  Healing with suffering ... victory, in the shadows. 
     I'd �like to tell you that I accept and trust at all �times, 
but �I �can't.  �I'm human.  �When I'm in pain, ��I'm �constantly 
reminded �of my mortality.  �But, �I'm also reminded that in �the 
shadow (or light?) �of the cross, and God's promise of redemption 
through Christ, there is hope. 
     In �closing �out my thoughts, �I �think �it's �important �to 
mention �a little bit on the practical side of sensitivity to the 
suffering person.  I �believe the most important attitude you can 
take is honesty.  �A �person is rarely alone in their pain.  ��If 
there �are people around who care, �they will be suffering �also.  
If �you �find �yourself in that boat, �don't be afraid �to �admit 
you're afraid.  Be honest about your feelings, hurts, �and fears.  
If �you're �angry or confused, �talk about it, ��it �helps.  ��Be 
supportive �of the suffering person, �but don't pity them.  ��Let 
them know you care by being yourself, �that is after all who they 
love and need.  Accept the ills of those you're dealing with as a 
part �of �themselves.  �A �very real part.  �Most of all, ��don't 
underestimate �them.  ��They �will fight the �pain, ��fear, ��and 
desperation hand in hand with you, and with our Lord. 
     I hope some of the things I've talked about will help you in 
your �trials.  ��I �hope it helps the next time you hold me, ��or 
someone like me as they cry.  �I �hope most of all, �you use your 
experience in suffering to grow in sensitivity, �and that our God 
will burn into your conscience your need of Him in health as well 
as �pain.  ��This �Christmas, �may you be guided �by �the �tender 
compassion of our bleeding Savior. 

Kristi Lee Hernmeir 

NOTE:  This article was written by Kristi for the Christmas, 1977 
issue �of the National Lutheran Youth Encounter Newspaper.  ��The 
article was written only a few days before Kristi's death.       
     Permission �to reprint the article was given by Pastor �Gene 
and Ruby Hernmeir, Kristi's parents.