The Best Of The Anarchives Volume One Gregory Kalyniuk a.k.a. nobody NOBODY'S EXQUISITELY SPLENDID EDITORIAL ON THE TOPIC OF CENSORSHIP Many concerned people expressed their disdain for our lack of editorial standards after the second issue of The Anarchives!! came out. I would like to take this opportunity to explain what our philosophy on this subject is, as it is now obvious that we did not make ourselves clear before. We believe that anything creative, no matter how offensive, deserves to be printed and read. Unlike other official student publications, The Anarchives!! is committed to bringing you the uncensored opinions and art of free-thinking students who are willing to submit material to us. At first, we thought we could get away with this policy, but it has now been made clear to us by the principal that there are certain limits to what we can and cannot do if we want to avoid confrontation with the law (this topic is written about at length elsewhere in this issue). We believe that traditional student publications aim to prepare you for the "real" world, a world full of ignorance, mediocrity, and utter mainstream ideas. An editorial policy that does not allow offensive material to be printed clearly displays these motives, because what in essence is being said through such a policy is that there are certain opinions that could not be handled by you. Of course, the editors of such traditional student publications are unaware of what they are really doing, because an obedient, conformist attitude has already been permanently ingrained in them. Traditional student publications hold back controversial material to encourage a bland mainstream outlook by the mass student population. By buying into their truth, you are succumbing to the control system, and you are simply allowing yourself to be conditioned for future manipulation by the mass-media. Talentless media monsters such as Madonna make careers out of breaking and manipulating taboos for their own gain. If the concept of the taboo was ignored to allow total freedom in the student press, such media monsters would have to become successful on their own creative merits. By suppressing a controversial topic, the suppressor only creates hype and popularity for the topic. If offensive material was allowed to be printed, material inspired by such hype would soon disappear, because it would no longer be a focus of attention. Student publications from alternative high schools have the freedom to print anything. Neoteny, the City School publication, has an editorial policy more extreme than our own, and yet most of the material printed is quite tame in comparison to some of the stuff in The Anarchives!!. Neoteny is proof that if taboos are ignored, the sensational need for them to be regularly broken will become obsolete. And as for editorial responsibility and "protecting" readers from disturbing material, we believe that being exposed to this so-called disturbing material can widen one's understanding of different opinions and thoughts. The sooner you wipe out the reflex of feeling offended by words on a page, the freer an individual you will be, because your emotions will no longer be controlled so easily. If after reading this you are still not convinced of what is really going on, simply stop reading The Anarchives!!, and pass it up the next time it is offered to you, because we cannot afford to waste our limited print-run on timid individuals. A NASTY REVELATION by nobody, Patron Saint of Insignificance Jim-Bob's problems began at 2:00 in the morning when he plopped into his easy chair with a cold beer in his hand he picked up the remote control and turned on the TV to watch his favourite show, Three's Company. While the TV warmed up in a struggle he opened the package his midnight snack, bag of pretzels. He looked at the screen, expecting to see the two scantily-clad co-starlets breasts jiggling blissful expressions clinging to the star of the show, goofy-looking sitcom character, and expecting to hear the cheery words to the theme song "come and knock on our door come and dance on our floor" with the manufactured synth music in the background that always made him feel so good. To his half-witted bewilderment it had been taken off the air so a paid programming ad could be shown which caused him of course to spill his beer. "Aw fu. . ." Jim-Bob started with his loose profanity but before he was able to finish the F-word his easily impressionable senses were recaptivated by an image of an attractive nude girl on a beach being projected across the cathode. "Whooooooooa-ho ho!" moaned loudly Jim-Bob in self-righteous macho reflex "Lookit herrrrr!!!" But of course Jim-Bob was alone so it would appear that he was telling nobody to look at the sex-vision. The nude girl on the beach was looking at Jim-Bob -- and Jim-Bob was looking at her. "Would you like to have this?!" asked horny phony articulate voice-over. Jim-Bob was so excited that he was now sitting on the edge of his seat sitting up straight a function he rarely performed. "Would I? Could I? May I? Don't I? I won't! I won't touch that dial. . .on my life!!!!!" His adrenaline was now flowing nicely for the following cathode-projected image to do work effectively an image of the subliminal kind of the hypnotic kind he was being put into a trance. Gaping stunned at the TV while warm pale barf-green saliva disease retardedly glistening trickling down his chin down his chins. New colours undreamt of and funny shapes flickering in his eyes reflecting cathode controlling him. Now he forgets his worries his fears his anger his pent up built in adult ignorance he becomes a child a sponge to soak up commands upon command. He hears horny phony articulate voice over again a real voice in his mind a voice from a man he can see like a dream or something in front of him just standing there holy like the Virgin Mary. The dream voice man explains listen well and obey him or die like a rodent. "What can one Christ your life is hell, and strengthen his Church shell. World and bring peace could turn his hellish founded this Church, enunciated future if he would adopt the way of Christian Science demdas." Dream voice man with horny phony articulate voice speaking to Jim-Bob never seen man before never hear man before but man seems familiar. Hairy Krishchun saintly pious bullshit Eastern religion televangelist from outer space here to feed Jim-Bob bullshit he needs to be saved. Jim-Bob confused thinks that he's insane godammit where's Jack Tripper where's Mr Furley I want my show where's my show? Don't wanna listen to this frabba-jabbin' holy spaceman!!!! Then Jim-Bob feels a pain sharp ouch in his anus oh it hurts it hurts it hurts he cannot stand it like constipation but much worse Hairy forcing Jim-Bob to listen obediently. "In this issue of those of us who the editors want to Church of Christ, Scientist of the way of life: demonstrate the Principle of bull. Fellow members expect the greatest assets growth in Christian varnasrama society qualities in us." Jim-Bob thinks of the Principle of bull his house bull his job bull his pals bull his wife bull his life bull everything here is BULLSHIT!!!!! Jim-Bob can't believe it's all bullshit he thinks about this finds it humourous and laughs a weakling laugh ha huh HUHha. Jim-Bob is beginning to understand the Principle of bull he thinks back to childhood he sees himself young in school not very smart or popular pushed shoved kicked around the schoolyard. Teachers children mostly hate him make him feel stupid call him stupid. Hey stooooopid fuckin' hillbilly moron your mother likes dogs to be in bed with her!!!!! Jim-Bob remembers how he used to cry and now he wants to cry nobody likes me thinks I'm stupid. Then suddenly Hairy Krishchun has a boy a sad boy a crying boy with an inscription tattooed across his forehead six bold black capital letters they simply read STUPID. Jim-Bob just knows it's him that sad stupid little boy it's him it's me. Hairy Krishchun violently rips off the boy's skin surprise surprise it's really just a robot a machine. "Calls him the Ungodlike character the father of mankind surrendered in order to make plow and works the will be a struggle at times grains for sacrifice and these traits the more peace human culture. Contribution to peace in machine age have measured by whether other members of the bull and placed it is seen more in the machines. People it is essential that we love their cars, their that is God because, as computers, but our weight on the side of machines is artificial and dangerous." Jim-Bob thinks about cars machines computers JEEZUS Betty-Mae Jim-Bob's wife talks walks acts eats shits fucks sleeps is just like a fuckin' robot!!!!! Jim-Bob just knows now now that Betty-Mae's just gotta be a robot an evil secret agent woman from the same God-forsaken planet that this here Hairy Krishchun feller comes from!!! Jim-Bob thinks about dinner that night about the food about what Betty-Mae was doin' was servin' and HOW. Well Jim-Bob was sittin' at the dinner table just mindin' his own business waitin' for Betty-Mae waitin' for her to serve up 'em mashed potaters but Jim-Bob cool hillbilly dude that he is prefers callin'em smashed potaters HAW HAW HAW!!!! Thinkin'bout how those smashed HAW HAW potaters er gonna be soooooo fine when all of a sudden PLOP! He looks at his plate and there they are -- the smashed potaters!! But where did they come from? Heaven?? Well by golly they did! Betty-Mae was still in the kitchen so the smashed potaters was a truly paranormal phenomenon. He looked up and saw an anus formed into the plaster ceiling HOLY SHIT! I got me some smashed potaters from God's A-hole!!!! Jim-Bob pulled down his pants and started jackin' himself with those there smashed potaters. But where was Betty-Mae? Jim-Bob still thinking about the evening he almost forgot my God he feels horrified he feels weak and faint but he's already passed out anyway right? Well now Jim-Bob's certain that those smashed potaters WERE NOT shat there by God he is much too kind and benevolent they was obviously shat there by that Hairy Krishchun feller himself of course!!! But why? Jim-Bob kills Betty-Mae kills his own wife rips off her skin just like Hairy did to the boy who was Jim-Bob and well Jim-Bob finds to his surprise surprise that Betty-Mae is a robot a computer a machine a car. But that happened before this here Hairy Krishchun feller messed up the friggin' TV!!!!! "The branch Churches simply and using democratically self-governed or development process of self-government we dedicated them of praying, listening, and of technological not acting or reacting against utopian dream of a member's background and world. The machine different. These varied and the greed of the useful of the members promise a new respectfully, together. To make life more about Church activities help him exploit the decompose. When viewed more enjoyment. Healthy, honest democracy takes away the finer qualities." To make life more about Church activities help him exploit the decompose help him exploit the decompose help him exploit the decompose these words echo through Jim-Bob's mind he understands he thinks his head will explode. First Betty-Mae now this PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME FACE THE MUSIC!!!!! Jim-Bob gets it he is the decompose a pathetic decomposing excuse for a worthless human sod and church activities means Hairy controls Jim-Bob and people like him!!! Jim-Bob sadly thinks about how he spends his day and how utterly small an insect he is. He gets up out of bed and bumps his head and walks out of the room sauntering like a drunken buffoon he goes to the john (can't piss on the lawn) standing sloppily he takes a piss and thinks to himself well Betty-Mae she can't do this!! This momentary state of fond vulgar reminiscence ends when Jim-Bob remembers the toothpaste tube OOOOOH the toothpaste tube but it's not toothpaste in there it's his daily dose of grey matter. In the morning Jim-Bob goes into the bathroom and opens up the medicine cabinet he takes out two large toothpaste tubes he unscrews both toothpaste tubes and then takes one into each hand he shoves the tube openings into his nostrils and up UP his nose and squeezes the tubes' contents into his head NO this is not toothpaste it is Instant Brains From A Toothpaste Tube after about five minutes of squeezing the tubes are empty and what was in them now rests in Jim-Bob's skull now Jim-Bob is ready to face the world and burn his brains out once again at his job. Ready to face the world Jim-Bob huh and ready to uh burn your brains out once again uh at your job huh? HAW HAW!!! Poor old Jim-Bob can't even remember what his job is the dumb goof's been working it so long it's become second nature it's become his life's purpose HAW HAW HAW!!! Jim-Bob thinks about how he would be better off dead now because his life seems to have absolutely no meaning now with Betty-Mae gone what will he do?? Jim-Bob faces the music and this is what he gets in return??? IT AIN'T FAIR!!!!!! So many like Jim-Bob so many robots so many machines here. Oh give me a chance Hairy Krishchun oh please if I only had a brain oh but I want a mind a mind that I won't have to burn out every day at my job that I can't even remember even!!!!!! Oh PULLLEEEEZZZ Mr Krishchun sir!!!!!! Well Mr Krishchun better known of course as Hairy Krishchun or just plain Hairy uh the same guy with the horny phony articulate voice oh well he still hasn't finished his little uh paratelevised pap session sermon called by the way The Hare Krsna Christian Science Show and so the preacher continues "Certainly many human beings. Everything of conducting business world becomes an racy and respect for individual exploitation." Poor brainless Jim-Bob right now is in a state of total friggin' hysterical paranoia confusion and the poor sucker has just found out that he is about as significant as an insect (not to say that any of us aren't any better!) and he is pleading with Hairy Krishchun sir for a life oh and if he only had a brain. Hearing more about this nutty thang called exploitation and how it's what our here world is fuelled by just about pushes Jim-Bob over the edge Jim-Bob will never be the same. Jim-Bob feels the cold steel shaking pressed up against his throbbing temple staring at the floor feeling empty and useless he notices the pool of spilled beer expanding in all directions wider and wider in which he can see the reflection of the TV screen. "Science, however, asserts greed, humans become measure of Christliness toward each other, member, the oneness of divine beings, and toward demonstrated (even demo-karmic reactions business meetings). In with humanity, and of Christianity is brought the end of the circumstances. God." God. God. Jim-Bob already feels dead life just isn't fair when dogma raids your freedom like that from birth. "The very different ape understand and simple living and humanity can hope to see natural lifestyle and follow, the authors human beings are living and high can be wonderful." Jim-Bob don't know uh not sure if uh he even still alive or if he uh ever was alive. Hairy Krishchun combined religions in evil manner cause confusion awareness depression nihilism suicidal after all two goods make a definite evil. Jim-Bob notices the pool of spilled blood expanding in all directions wider and wider in which he can see the reflection of the TV screen OOPS that's Jim-Bob's blood that's spilled!!!!! But how?? Jim-Bob feels the cold steel shaking pressed up against his throbbing temple HEY that's a gun or it was a gun!!!? BANG!!!! The nightmare is over. THE MAN WHO SOLD HIS SHIT TO THE WORLD by nobody, Patron Saint of Insignificance Humans had become such pathetic creatures by the closing years of the twentieth century that they lost the ability to distinguish between media that entertained them and media that manipulated them. So one eminent celebrity decided to sell the feces that he had excreted from his very own anus to the stupid world. The bastard was a manipulative genius, because masses of morons bought his shit and ate it too; the same way that you and I do in a less literal sense today. By Gregory Kalyniuk DESTREAMING: A REBUTTAL by Jay Terpstra and Gregory Kalyniuk Next year, high schools across Ontario will experience a change in structure with the implementation of destreaming. Destreaming acts in the elimination of the three stream level directions in grade nine, and as a one year continuation of elementary school-like placement. The quality of an elementary school education may well determine which of these directions a student is streamed into. There are doubtlessly thousands of students each year who are streamed into lower level courses before realising their full potential. In many cases, the reason they do not realise their full potential is because their elementary school failed to provide an environment in which mental and social development were properly emphasised. Indeed, in many cases streaming is a negatively reprecussive fork in the academic road for students who haven't yet realised what they are capable of taking on in life. Destreaming aims to integrate students in the above situation with better adjusted students in grade nine instead of immediately segregating them; in essence, giving them one more year to realise their potential in a more hospitable learning environment. In the November/December edition of the Garnet (Humberside's official school newspaper), there appeared a well-written article by Brian Gardner on the above topic which unfortunately presented an elitist, condescending, poorly thought out argument against the implementation of destreaming in grade nine, an opinion which is all to common among many narrow-minded Toronto students. The rebuttal you are now reading is in response to Gardner's ridiculously overblown negative predictions for the effects of destreaming. We intend to expose this article for what it truly is: a groundless travesty of an analysis, concocted by a person who would have us suppressed, never realising our full potential, rather than growing in an environment in which mental and social development is possible for all. Let us first make clear now that destreaming will only be present up to and not beyond grade nine. It is quite clear that Gardner anticipates a life full of cut-throat hierarchies and class systems after high school, but it is depressing to think that he would want such principles to prevail in public schools as well. One strong argument for destreaming is the statistic that shows an incredibly large number of young minority-background children being dead-ended into the basic level direction (that is, being placed in the lowest level courses). There are many junior-level students who have yet to develop their minds and discover who they are and what life is all about. To stream students into near-irreversible directions at such a young age shows a lack of effort and insight by the system. How many potentially bright children have had their glimmer of potential stomped into oblivion by this inconsiderate system upon entry into high school, or, more importantly, still in elementary school, by ill-equipped elementary school teachers? Destreaming is not the catastrophic end to all as Gardner arrogantly concludes; it is simply a minor attempt at solving a major problem. Let us consider the phenomenon of dead-ended minority-background children. Various complex sociological factors are at play in making their education of a poorer general quality than the education of more privileged children, language skills and life experiences being just two possibilities. Many less privileged children are streamed into the basic and general level directions to go on to become our future exploited prolateriats, performing menial tasks; certainly not the "alternative" artwork and craftswork that Gardner seems to believe basic and general level students go on to do. Destreaming's objectives are quite simple and minimal: because there are fewer high schools than elementary schools, high schools will have enrolled in them students from different elementary schools and different backgrounds. Destreaming hopes to allow these students to integrate and benefit from their mutual differences, over the course of one school year, thus allowing the less privileged to make the grade for advanced level placement in the following year. A slightly larger number of minority-background students will successfully take the advanced level direction because they are given one more year to develop and realise their ability. Carola Lane, the Assistant Deputy Minister of Education, has said that destreaming should never be construed as a program in which "good students" help "not-so-good students." However, Gardner seems to bestow these roles upon students in a patronising and insulting manner. After Gardner says that he doesn't believe that "good students" should be forced to take on the responsibility of "tutoring" "not-so-good students," he goes on to say that enriched classes offer a special environment where the students enrolled share common interests and goals, and that a person having different interests and goals inserted into such a class would destroy the learning environment. For someone who professes to write about the real world, Gardner would seem to prefer being in an elitist atmosphere where there is very little diversity of people and thought; a perfect place to build self-serving pompous attitudes. He insults anyone who has ever been involved in an enriched class when he says that such students all think and work in the same way. Such an environment would be reminiscent of Nazi Germany, if not to the dystopian vision of such science-fiction classics as Fritz Lang's Metropolis. For someone who obviously has a deep interest in school, it is unfortunate that selective rewards are Gardner's priority, leaving the desire to learn to be seemingly lost. Learning should not take on the form of a rat race in which students are in continuous competition for recognition, but rather it should be a process in which the student stimulates his own mental/social growth through the successful accumulation of useful knowledge. We would certainly not expect anyone believing in the former example to be capable of ever understanding a topic as complex as destreaming. The day that grades one to nine symbolise the Olympics is the day that the school system is truly defunct. The Olympics are a competitive institution of elite athletes who dedicate their lives to attaining the gold medal. We would think school to be an environment in which individual growth and learning are encouraged, especially in the early grades. If Gardner prefers a more competitive, selective atmosphere, we would advise him to immediately transfer to U.C.C. or to a school in Japan, where competitive schooling is so strong that "not-so-good" students often commit suicide. In a recent issue of the Globe and Mail, freelance writer Scott Nesbitt revealed that thirty percent of Japanese students are streamed out of academic courses by the age of fourteen, their dim futures already written. Both of us agree that if we had been schooled in Japan, we would either now be working low-paying, menial jobs, or we would have (and this is a worst case scenario) already killed ourselves out of grief. Because we were given a chance in an unstreamed elementary school system, we benefitted from placement in a collegiate school, and we can both look forward to post-secondary education. However, in Gardner's preferred world, both of us would be denied future education because we would apparently "not belong in the same classes as . . . future doctors and engineers any more than a sumo wrestler would belong in the national ballet," to quote our elitist counterpart. It is the insulting condescension of Gardner's article that is most unfortunate. He says that it "would be much better not to mislead these people." In other words, if an eight-year-old boy has a difficult time articulating what he did on the weekend, or cannot grasp mathematical equations as quickly as another student, then the system should adopt the responsibility of telling that child that he is of a lower intellect, and streaming him accordingly. Being streamed into a lower direction will only reinforce this message, convincing him that he could never cut it in university or even in a community college. But Gardner insists that this is a mere "alternative," something determined by a difference in strengths and weaknesses in certain fields. We would like to point out again that basic level students do not predominantly go on to do artwork or craftswork. Such students go on to take the most demeaning of jobs, being paid pittance and exploited for all they are worth. Would Mr. Gardner please care to explain how it is that students with "different abilities" possess a certain "talent" to (for instance) empty the contents of a trash can into a truck full of trash? Perhaps if he performed this task for a day he would realise that it is not an "alternative," but a dead end. Perhaps one of Gardner's most ignorant pieces of pseudo-analysis is the statement made that "the world does not function on nuclear physicists and lawyers alone," right after setting forth the opinion that not everyone should go to university. Does he really believe that universities only offer courses for future nuclear physicists and lawyers? Is university just another step in Gardner's competitive world, the step that bridges the way to the big career, and to the continued corporate rat race? Students whose ambitions include writing, visual arts, film, journalism, educating and just plain accumulation of worldly knowledge all belong in university. It is our belief that everyone should aim to go to university, not nessecarily to learn a profession, but simply to evolve into more cultured beings. To sum up his article, Gardner says that "it is [the] very fact that people are different that makes life interesting." We agree with this, but not with the underlying message that Gardner has so craftily interwoven into this ambiguous statement. Gardner would prefer these different people not to interfere in his Olympic-like ambitions, but rather rank many levels beneath him in a class system, disadvantaged in that they never reach their full potential. Gardner's attitude reminds us of Anglican Archbishop Findley and his comments about homosexuals, how he has dined with them many times but would never consider allowing them to work in his church. Yes, people are different; but you, Mr. Gardner, want this difference to dictate which social class we are streamed into, and under your rules, both of us would rank many levels beneath you. It is unfortunate that Gardner views grades one to nine as a place to start building hierarchies in which various people can be put into permanent ranks and roles. We would prefer to look at the interests and abilities of students as simply different and without order of best to worst; an abstract, unmapped -archy of roles and abilities, if you will. In other words, it is great that people are different, but that should not mean that they should be segregated into social classes. In a classroom full of diverse opinions and interests, the student will learn and develop more completely than otherwise. Perhaps the reason that it is so difficult for even the most esteemed students of Humberside to grasp the concept of and reasons behind destreaming is because of the high reputation of our own school, with its complete range of advanced level courses and handful of token general level courses (and the absence of any basic level courses). It is our opinion that the elitist, condescending views and attitudes of people like Brian Gardner are the exact reason why destreaming should be mandatory up to and including grade nine. THE RESPONSIBILITY OF ANYBODY WITH ACCESS TO A PHOTOCOPIER an anti-intro by Gregory Kalyniuk (nobody) Take a step back from everyday normalcy reality friends and family take a look at what you do what you've done where you're going if you're going and now ask yourself: "What purpose does my measly existence serve anyway? What do I do?" Well if you're in school working your ass off trying to earn a spot on that list plaqued on the wall in the main hall then chances are that you are doing nothing nothing nothing. Trying to get good marks so you could get ahead in life get married move to suburbia spawn and decades later on your deathbed you can happily say: "Well, I've lived a normal life just like everybody else I've raised brats who reflect my own narrow-minded ideals dysfunctions just like everybody else I exploited others and was exploited just like everybody else I bought into the General Electric truth and only the GE truth just like everybody else now I'm gonna die just like everybody else and I haven't even tried to leave anything for future generations to see that I tried to do my own thing. . .just like everybody else. . . ." If you don't believe me now then you probably never will. . .because the older you get the harder it gets to accept it, 'cause you're selling out more and more every year and even if you do understand one day you won't want to face it 'cause that'll mean accepting that most of it was all bullshit. . . . And the only way to go on strike against the system and have genuine success is if we all get involved. . .and of course one of the system's most powerful weapons for confusing us away from the idea of strike is the media. . .that's why we've got to create our own media. . .we've got to create 'zines. . .or, as I prefer calling them now, photocopyations. . . . Gregory Kalyniak is the founder of nobody photocopyations. He publishes comics, short stories and various other kinds of neat things. To receive many of his other writings he can be contacted through T.A.O. /-/\-\ The Anarchy Organization | / / \ \ Free Minds For Free Lives ( | ) --|-/----\-\-- yakimov@ecf.utoronto.ca \|/ \/ \/ jterpstra@trentu.ca `_^_'