I haven't been to the theatres in over a year now. Hasn't seemed like a good idea. Plus, nothing of real note was coming out; I like movies and if I'm going to drop dime to go, it'd better be good. If only I had known what fresh hell awaited me
Cats 2019. My sweet, sweet Cats 2019. I'm not familiar with musicals in the SLIGHTEST, and would never have gone if not for the buzz generated after the trailer released. I figured it was going to be cursed (boy, was I ever right) and had a movie free pass, so I asked my boyfriend to come with. I'm so sorry, dear. There were barely a dozen people in the theatre, which should've been an indication this was going to be a flaming bag of dogshit. But I held out hope. Maybe it was just an odd time of day to see a movie (it wasn't) or maybe most of the crowds were there opening week (lol). We sat down with our overpriced snackies, in very good seats, and braced ourselves.
Almost immediately after the movie started a woman stood up and walked out of the theatre. oh ok. Dear God, though, this was really something. The CG was as godawful as one would've guessed. Not to mention, the way the cats moved made it basically impossible to even really get a look at how bad it was. Maybe that was on purpose. Also, I know that I signed up for a musical, but holy shit, it was impossible to make out what was being sung the entire time. Legit had to google the names of the cats after cause I couldn't figure it out worth shit. Plus, half the movie was pointless cats introducing themselves. Why was Jason Derulo there? Why do the cats have tits thats not how this works. Yes, the Rebel Wilson eating cockroaches bit was just as bad irl as it was in the trailer. Also, I couldn't figure out till like, the last 5 minutes which cat was supposed to be the love interest. Mostly cause they were all so grotesque to look at I kept mixing them up.
Ok so this was the real plot. The cats have an American Idol and the winner gets to die and go to cat Nirvanna I guess. These cats really went in on it too. Cat Judy Dench was likely DAZZLED by cat suicide songs. Why was there such an expensive cast too? Like, they took Taylor Swift on and she was only in the movie like, 3 minutes and 2 of those minutes were in the trailer. Like damn shawty OK 95 Million US dollar budget, 94.7 was on casting other .3 was on fucking the CG everything else 5. LOL also it only grossed like 70 Million worldwide oof ouch. Anyways, cat suicide party. This was AT LEAST 40 minutes of the film. And probably the stageplay too idk. Who wrote this shit anyways? Some douchebag I'm sure. Right, so the main antagonist of the film is some badboy cat who's mad he's not allowed to enter American Idol but for killing urself. I think? So he kidnaps a bunch of the cats because I guess that'll show them. Well the magic cat saves the day yippee. Ian McKellan deserved so much more than this movie. Anyways so they pick the cat who gets to die, and she goes flying in a big balloon (is this some sort of metaphor?) and everyone cheers like "yeah gratz on dying!!" and then Judy Dench looks at the camera and tells you a cat is NOT a dog like 4 times. Thank Christ cause I'd never have guessed.
More probably did happen in the movie but I did fall asleep halfway through for like 20 minutes cause I just DID NOT care. I had to google afterwards the synopsis of the movie cause I was confused as all hell. The movie was a disaster in its content, as well as its execution. Truly a modern disaster.
I'd recommend you see this film.
1hr50m just to let the audience know that a cat is not a dog. The movie definitely makes it clear that dying is, in fact, a privilege.
Pre-plague, I used to have parties at my place where my friends and I would watch terrible movies. I may have to add this one to the list.