---

generator: pandoc

title: 'How I''ve Been Doing Lately'

viewport: 'width=device-width, initial-scale=1.0, user-scalable=yes'

---

2018-07-25T00:12:04+10:00

Hello everyone!

A few people sent me emails after I left my email address on a post. It

seems people actually do read and access my blog! This is very strange

for me, because for the longest time I have been very ignored on the

internet.

I have been doing mostly very well in terms of my mental health lately,

and it probably showed in the lack of blog updates I made for maybe a

week or two -- I suppose the more depressed or anxious I am, the more

likely I am to actually post on my blog. That's probably why I'm posting

now. Maybe it's not entirely true. I have been spending a lot of time on

the Fediverse lately, using the ActivityPub implementation Twitter clone

'Mastodon'.

The people on the Fediverse are very, very supportive and empathetic.

When I go to post about my problems on that part of the internet, people

are always coming up with suggestions and potential solutions to my

problems. I feel like I have made some great friends on Mastodon, and I

really enjoy using it.

I have been applying for a lot of Apprenticeships in cabinetmaking and

automotive mechanical servicing and repairs. I have had 5 interviews

over the last week. The first round of interviews that I had for the big

auto dealership Trevitt was very exciting, and I thought it was very

successful. I was invited to have a second interview at their Land Rover

and Jaguar workshop this Tuesday just past, but it didn't go so well. I

don't think I did very well, and I don't think the people who

interviewed me were very impressed. This made me feel quite deflated,

but I had to push on and have a Branch Committee Meeting of my party

that evening, so I went ahead and didn't really think about how I was

disappointed until right now, when I should be sleeping.

My sleeping has been mostly terrible. I have incredibly bad insomnia at

night, probably caused by the fact that I use my laptop in bed. I sleep

during the day, mostly. I am my most active and productive between the

hours 10pm and 4am. I have usually been getting to bed at 3.30am most

regularly. I feel very excited at night, and it feels like I can work on

whatever I want to without being distracted. I wish I could sleep

according to a more normal schedule, but no matter how much I try and

lay in my bed with no electronics, I simply cannot sleep and I feel so

incredibly restless and bored, so I start using my computer and surfing

the internet for interesting stories and research.

My PhD thesis feels like a terrible burden right now, and I really feel

like the project has been ruined for me, now that I have to do another

semester with no scholarship. I suppose it really is my fault for not

being finished on time, but I wish my supervisor had communicated more

with me. I really do feel terrible about the whole thing, and I honestly

feel pathetic, useless, and a morally corrupt person whenever I think

about my PhD.

My Dad remarked that it seemed like I didn't have much passion for the

project anymore, but that's not really true. I feel like someone is

standing over me now and is dictating to me what the content of the

thesis has to be in order for it to be good. It feels like it doesn't

really belong to me anymore, even though it is solely I who must do the

work. I want to explore and say things that are important to me, and I

foolishly thought that university was the place that I could do that. It

honestly isn't true. University is a terrible place where you have to

say things that the ruling class would find acceptable.

I suppose what I really want to be is a programmer, but I cannot be that

straightaway. I need to finish my PhD first, and then go and do another

three or four years at university. This is a list of things I would

really like to do with my life / have a career in:

- Program interesting things in Lisp

- Create long-range wireless internet networks

- Make hackable computers

- Make discrete transistor computers

- Allow more people to have access to computers and the internet

- Be paid by my party to be an organiser

- Perhaps be a cabinetmaker or an auto mechanic, and fix and build

interesting things.

My mood has been much worse after feeling deflated by that not-so-great

interview. I need to find a job doing something. I think I will spend

some time applying for some jobs I could take up a little more

immediately tomorrow. You never know though, I could have a phone call

soon, and I could have a job.

I can't seem to do what I really want anymore. People are always

standing in the way telling me what to do, and how to do things. I want

to be creative and develop myself. I don't know how to do that. It was

suggested to me on Mastodon that I should make connections with people

and find like-minded people who share my passions. I suppose I should do

that. I have been working on so many things on my own for so long and

have not really been getting anywhere. I wish I was more successful. I

really feel like a bit of a loser and a no-hoper when things don't go

well for me straightaway.

Anyway, as always, my email is vidak\@riseup.net. Feel free to email me

about anything.