@ .%#@ .%#@ .%#@. .%#@. .%#@ $' $' $' $ $ $' $ $' $ *@_ $@* $ .' $ $ .' $@* `*%#&$ `*%#&$ $ $. ` $ `*%#&$ ` ' ` /|\ /|\ | | | issue #6, 4/96 | | | `---- is this even legible? ----' written by: Rapeman (who else?) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= "my mother, i'll tell you about my mother" - bladerunner well, goddammit, i'm excited. i have a new member. dr. boffo, welcome to geripe. my fellow human-hater should be writing an issue quite soon. also introducing: THE CHURCH OF GERIPE (details, hopefully, next issue) (only i know, i'm still conferencing with) (Moroni, one of my several inner-children) AN OPEN LETTER OF REQUESTS FOR ANY EXTRATERRESTRIALS VISITING MY PLACE OF DWELLING: As you have read the title, I assume that you understand the purpose of my letter. But I must emphasize that these are POLITE requests, meant from a mere human, such as myself, as SUGGESTIONS. I can think of nothing more painful than pissing off hordes of obviously creative individuals of unknown disposition that have a noticable lack of value for human life. I assure you that there is something behind this mask of an animal for which pain is a very real thing. Utilizing this information, you may safely conclude that I would not be entirely happy with an/another abduction. What follows are my HUMBLE requests: 1. Now that my dog is dead, please do not molest it any further. Your previous experiments, however intended, were not particularly benefactory. 2. If you feel the need to enter my room, please knock before entering. 3. Due to current medication, the bright light is particularly painful. If you wish to stun me, please use a more aesthetically pleasing debilitant. A content subject of vivisection is a better subject of vivisection. 4. Please desist from landing in my backyard. The large circles of dead grass are not necessarily an annoyance to me, but my father is beginning to complain. 5. My feline companion is already extremely neurotic. Strange little men probing at her insides are not necessarily going to make her any easier to live with. 6. Upon the incidence of my abduction, please have me properly anesthetized before any strange experiments are conducted on my body. 7. Please do not quietly come upon me from behind. That would only serve to soil my clothes. An occurance of that nature would be an inconvenience for the both of us. Please take these into consideration. Feel free to keep me informed on our status. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= After having written an appoximation of the above about one year ago, I was reminded of it through reading the following article that I chose to include with, again, absolutely no permission. I'm such a bastard. from the column: Cocktail Hour - by Joe Capasso in the April 24-May 1 edition of _The_Met_ Oftentimes, after I've consumed a few drinks, I start to wonder about stuff I probably shouldn't waste time wondering about. Stuff like, "If I were a woman, would I get breast implants?" Or, "How do they get the filling in Twinkies to be so darn creamy?" The other day, after finishing off my third martini, I had one of those ridiculous thoughts, and it went something like this: Why do space aliens always seem to abduct flannel-shirt-wearing, backwoods freaks? You never hear about alien abductions of interesting people, such as rocket scientists, political tyrants, or cocktail correspondents. If you were a space alien, wouldn't you rather poke and prod a nuclear physicist from New York City than a Freeman from Montana? It seems to me that our interstellar buddies need a little help in picking their lab rats. Therefore, in order to give a hand to our orbiting pals, I'm going to make the following offer: Hey guys, take me. I have a lot to offer the scientifically minded abductor of humans. For any intergalactic aliens reading this column - and since these guys are constantly monitoring human for signs of intelligence, they must be reading _The_Met_ - here is a list of reasons why I would make good alien bait. 1. I can think of nothing more sexually thrilling than having my orifices hooked up to all kinds of bizarre electronic devices. 2. I collected Star Wars action figures when I was a kid. 3. I like poking around in cornfields late at night. 4. I never once believed that it was aliens making all those crop circles. 5. I'll cut my alien abductors in on the take when I write my abducted-by- aliens-and-had-my-holes-probed novel and screenplay. (John Travolta will play me. Maybe we can get the Olson twins to play my captors.) Well, my bug-eyed little buddies, I'll be waiting. Just try not to suck me up into your ship while I'm sitting on the toilet. No one would believe me if that happened. ... -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- send me your text. if i like them they will be published. contact me at the distro sites: vip------------------(214)494-1024 negativland----------(214)867-1914 although you can't contact me through these bbses any longer due to lack of funds, call them nonetheless: hacker's haven-------(303)343-4053 one jillion degrees--(817)732-3457 the nine hells-------(817)346-3370 grp_eot