I can't help but get reflective and forward-looking at year-end. It's partly the social context of the sense of a 'year end' or 'new year', but also the very real calendar sense of seasonal change. In the northern hemisphere, from the position of mid-winter, we're on our way out again and into another cycle approaching, literally, fruition, growth, harvest etc. From this very planetarily attuned position, it does feel like a good moment to reflect and make plans/changes. That said, some of my friends who work in or around psychiatry or therapy have often pointed out to me that setting ourselves a sense of anything too big to take on in the year ahead (e.g. ambitious resolutions) can be negative. But I still think it's a good moment to at least think about the ways in which we're flowing and if we want to adjust course, keep sailing on the same trajectory, pick up speed, slow down, etc.
Big positives for me on the past year are the job change (and recent promotion) that have left me pulling in a much healthier annual salary (a 30% increase on this time last year), and I can feel the benefits of that in just general everyday comfort. I'm not a high earner, and never have been, and London rent is notoriously high (and on top of that, there's simply *no way* to afford to buy anywhere in this city without a sizable sum of inheritance). But just cranking up my salary this little amount has meant that in the past few months I've been able to spend a bit more in ways and on things that I usually wouldn't. Prior to my new job, when I think back on my expenditure over the best part of the last 10-years, it's been on very little more than rent, food, utilities, transport (for work), and maybe a book here and there. Rarely anything more than that; rarely a restaurant or a cinema ticket, or even something like a holiday. But with the boost to my income earlier this year I was able to move into a more comfortable living situation (sharing a flat with fewer people - what I was aiming for, with a very large personal space and my own bathroom), make some personal-desire purchases (all my sound equipment: amplifier, speakers, speaker-stands, audio interface, etc), and even just things like new clothes and some meals/drinks out without feeling like I'm breaking the bank afterwards.
So on a personal material front: all good.
I've also been applying a bit of a gentle adjustment to my own health and habits, changing food consumption patterns and improving exercise as well (recently I started weight lifting, and I'm on a bit of a personal mission to bulk up a bit, partly because of a minor physical condition I have that will, I'm told, be a bit less painful if I get a bit more hench (lol!), but also partly just to feel a bit better about myself physically). But the really big thing for me has been paying a bit more attention to my heart/desire and personal relationships. It started with a crush on someone I know, which is still kind-of there but as there's a bit more distance between us now (we no longer work together), I've got it a bit more under control. But what this crush led me to was recognising what it is to feel something like that for someone - so looking elsewhere for that for the first time ever I went on some of the dating apps... and holy shit what a revelation. I've been meeting people and going on some dates lately and feeling really great about it. Starting to get close with someone in particular so I'm feeling good about that. But what's also encouraging about the dating apps is it makes very clear just how many mutual people are out there that you could potential build connections/relationships with; it's way less a feeling of 'all or nothing' in a given relationship. I'm noticing more and more people in my social circles are exploring non-monogamous relationships and I'm starting to understand it to a degree, but I'm not sure where I am on that personally - and as I've been single for really quite a while now (and about 10-years since my last 'serious' relationship(!)), I'm not in any rush to explore something more radical than just being close to someone in particular, at the moment.
So on a physical/emotional front: all good, better than for ages actually. And now that I write this I realise how much this sense of things is a world apart from some of my posts earlier in the year around mental health struggles and thoughts about medication[1].
Beyond these small but significant positives for myself and my own experience, that's where it becomes clear that things aren't so rosy. The year behind us stretched the mismanagement of the C-19 pandemic across another 12-months and onwards into the New Year. I remember my mentality last year was looking towards 2021 as though the C-19 experience of 2020 was reaching its closure, but going into 2022 now I feel much more aware of the sense that this thing (by that I mean, specifically, the mis-management of global & national healthcare considersations) doesn't appear to be changing anytime soon - and the immediate reality of that will likely be an extension of C-19 into the future. I don't want to say too much about C-19 specifically, but what's telling to me in how this situation has been mismanaged, is how that reflects on governments' broader (mis)management of other pertinent planetary issues. This is worth being both reflective and bummed out about, but also pro-active and considerate towards. And it's this sense of action that I'm wondering about going into the new year - about how I can better invest my own political agency and energy towards useful social change on these issues. This is what I may try to talk about a little bit more in a follow-up to this post.
For now, wishing everyone out there a safe and pleasant (or as safe and pleasant as possible) transition into the New Year. And if it's useful for others too, I hope you manage to catch some space to be reflective and work out schemes, plans, hopes, desires.
~ flow / DJ lateral flowji