By Tom Geoghegan BBC News Magazine
As the Christmas party season gets under way, many people will be wrestling
with the dilemma of inviting their partner. Is that a good idea?
Often viewed with some trepidation, they're a tinder-box of office politics,
awkward small talk and embarrassing dancing, all washed down with plenty of
alcohol.
Work Christmas parties can be fun but they're also a social minefield, even at
the best of times, so throw in a "plus one" and they're potentially explosive.
Despite the difficult economic climate, nearly two-thirds of UK companies are
throwing a party this year, according to the annual Christmas Party survey from
the Chartered Management Institute.
Many of those will be restricted to employees only, especially in these
financially-straitened times. But for some there is the annual dilemma of
whether to take your spouse or partner.
Research carried out some years ago suggested that more than half of people
given the choice prefer to leave their partner at home, saying they would feel
too inhibited if they came.
Continue reading the main story
'I leave my husband at home'
"Christmas parties are about having fun - the chance for you to flirt with your
colleagues, win the drinking competition and dare the secretary to photocopy
her body parts. Plus, going solo means you can leave when you want and not have
a domestic in front of the HR department."
Nadine, Melbourne, Australia (formerly London)
As well as the prospect of babysitting the person who knows no-one and can't
follow all the shop talk, there is the added risk of it all going wrong. Some
people still bear the "plus one" scars of Christmases past.
"I went to my company's Christmas party with my girlfriend," recalls one office
worker, regretfully. "She disappeared, off to the toilets, and people kept
coming back saying 'Oh my God, there's someone in the toilets, they're locked
in, I think they're being sick.
"Then it actually dawned on me that it was my girlfriend in there and the whole
office was talking about it."
Another woman remembers with embarrassment her boyfriend ordering multiple
drinks at at time, in front of her boss, because it was a free bar.
Such behaviour can't help but reflect badly on the person responsible for
taking them, says business etiquette expert Judi James.
"Bringing a partner can undo all the good you've done through the year with
your reputation," she says.
"Rather like your mum coming to the school to pick you up, there's something
about partners - they think they can say anything they like. They don't
understand status, pecking orders or office politics.
Start Quote
Long-standing sexual tensions... suddenly emerge under the influence of drink
End Quote Phil Hilton ShortList
"They have no idea of boundaries and never get it. It's too complex, and they
may even love breaking the rules."
The worst two episodes she heard about was a partner flirting with a boss and
an affair being uncovered when a partner said to a boss 'you shouldn't have
them working so much overtime', to which the boss responded 'I don't'.
But if going alone is good for your career, it might not be beneficial for your
domestic life.
"The only downside of not taking them is that it's not very good for the
relationship," says Ms James. "They might worry about what you're getting up to
and are you flirting with some guy from IT."
So if you're aware of the "rules" and you're relaxed about it, you should take
your partner, says relationship coach Jo Hemmings. Treat it as an opportunity
to show them off.
"Our working lives are something our partners don't get much of a glimpse of.
We go off in the morning and get back in the evening. People are more than
curious and fascinated about what goes on there and the people you work with.
Scene from BBC's The Office Office hierarchies still apply
"To say to someone they can't come to your Christmas party, when partners have
been invited, would put a big strain on the relationship and you'll need a good
excuse. It would naturally arouse their suspicion."
Excluding them probably says more about you and your social discomfort than it
does about your relationship, she says. But if it is your partner you're
embarrassed about, then that is shocking. It's one of those occasions when a
little white lie - saying partners aren't invited - might be better for the
relationship.
One way around the plus-one dilemma is to extend it to plus two, which is what
happened at ShortList Media this year. Its editorial director Phil Hilton says
this meant his wife could bring a friend and could spend most of the night
without him.
That works well because things happen at Christmas parties that you don't want
your partner to witness, says Mr Hilton, once editor of lads' magazine Nuts.
"Long-standing sexual tensions and long-held resentment over pay and
work-related issues suddenly emerge under the influence of drink."
Continue reading the main story
DOs and DON'Ts
your work mates
avoid
Source: Brendan Barns, Speakers for Business
There is also a danger she will speak to your boss on your behalf over
something you've mentioned to her over a glass of wine in the kitchen, he says,
and before you know it she's jabbing him in the chest with her finger, which is
a scene that could be career-damaging.
There's also a clash of your work and domestic personas, which can be very
different, says Mr Hilton. The fiction you've constructed to your wife, that
all the women at work are in their 60s and unattractive, will be revealed, as
will the idealised work persona you've cultivated in your imagination.
"You've generally represented yourself to her as the essential lynchpin and
father figure, someone without whom the office could not function, a very
popular person who controls the social life of the workplace and someone that
everyone has come to rely on and love.
"But when your wife turns up, it's clear you're a peripheral figure barely
tolerated by everyone, including younger, hipper colleagues. That doesn't make
you more attractive at home."
10th December 2010 - 18:20
Work, for me, is the one place I get to have a good moan about my home life. In
the sanem way, home is the one place I get to have a good moan about my work
life. Bring the two together and you're heading for one of those "I wish the
wall would eat me" moments and you're not going to soon forget it.
10th December 2010 - 18:18
I like the fact that my company doesn't invite partners to parties. It's
nothing to do with playing around - far from it - I just don't want to spend
the Christmas party worrying whether he's enjoying it or whether he's bored, or
whether someone might make a pass at him! Also, the works party is for staff to
let off steam with their colleagues, not indulge their partners at the
company's expense.
10th December 2010 - 18:06
I'd love to be invited to my wife's company Christmas party!
Spouses are expected to support their other halves in their work - particularly
if that company takes them away regularly on conferences, sales meetings and
training sessions.
The company concerned could show a little bit of gratitude for that unstinting
support - particularly at this one annual event.
10th December 2010 - 13:24
The danger of telling the little white lie that partners are not invited is
when your partner knows some of your work colleagues. My ex-husband told me
that partners weren't invited to his do (as he had done the year before), not
realising that his friend and colleague, who lived next door to us, had invited
his girlfriend... Funnily enough, we split up during that "festive" period!
10th December 2010 - 13:22
I once went to a party where my girlfriend worked part-time. There was a mock
casino set-up, where we didn't play for money, but for prizes. I ended up
winning the top prize, a weekend in New York. But my girlfriend told me later
that the full-time staff were all furious that a non-employee, and the partner
of only a part-timer at that, had won: to save her job, I forfeited the prize.