💾 Archived View for gemlog.blue › users › maria › 1629479208.gmi captured on 2024-12-17 at 19:08:37. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content

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⬅️ Previous capture (2021-12-04)

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making decisions

home alone for 3 days now. the first day i barely managed to breathe, the second day i was tired and exhausted, but i managed to pull myself together and painted something. that felt nice. the result was not 100% pleasing, but at least i did that. third day i finally came down a little, just for my past to catch up to me and reminding me that depression is just around the corner.

recently i made many decisions. migrate my main workstation onto an rpi3, run my own capsule, start work, all of this takes time and energy. it's fun, regardless.

so what's the issue? there's too much. my painting is a 3-evening hobby per week, now that i have less time available with the second kid. so i ditch it, because it's exhausting to start that at 10pm and i am most of the time simply too exhausted to pick myself up. additionally geminispace is starting to add pressure. it "demands" from me that i involve myself, find a crowd to hang with, develop the space further. my tabletop hobby is completely neglected. therapy is uncertain whether it continues. and then there's this nagging dysphoria, which is annoying as fuck. nothing that i do will make it go away, i am starting to believe it's all in my head.

i also made the decision to keep the new colourful pants i ordered. they are nice, cozy and look great. i know this will have effects... again. but well, one day i need to make these decisions. and i want to get rid of some stuff again. i can't do all of this. i just can't. it drags me down. and work is enough mental load right now as it is.

maybe i'll stop involving myself in the progression of geminispace and just search for a capsule that someone else runs and help them make it more successful. something like that.