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would it make a difference

today was pretty fucked

despite having 3 days to myself i am barely able to focus. i'm sad, shaking and overwhelmed.

when i took a bath earlier i asked myself: would it make a difference if i could change my gender now. and my name. and magically fix up everything to be like i wish it to be, to be this androgynous thing, floating around, no confusion with names, pronouns and nothing.

that's a very good question. or so i thought. and since it's a big question, i started to boil it down into segments.

work life

would it make me happier if people refered to me in a different way? i don't know. maybe not much. work is about professional content and you shine by delivering. sure, it may complete the illusion, let's go with "slightly"

social contacts/life

within my social circle, i already have people who believe that i am one gender or the other or neither, use one name or the other. those are virtual people. connections i know in person, very few even know of my struggle. but do i feel a difference between the virtual contacts? i feel more comfortable the closer i am to my target condition, but i can't make out whether it's a true feeling or one that circumstancially gets triggered. what definitely is the case, i feel judged. and being who i decide to be, may decrease this fear of being judged. so this is a "little"

family life

the closest family i have are my kids. my parents i don't care much for. i hate how they continue to trigger behaviour in me that i despise. there's too much distance and other than my <so> there's just my kids. and they don't care really who i am. they ask curiously but when they get a satisfactory response they accept that and move on, there's no underlying motive. so this is "not"

love life

being who you are and not changing to play a role, that feels good. apart from that, my relationship is pretty neutral on the stereotypes. certainly i'd be treated differently, but it's not like i suddenly have to smoke or watch certain sports. so this is a "more"

general topics

of course certain things impact all primary aspects. clothes, behaviour, presentation, traits. and while i used to believe that this is very important, i came to the conclusion that you need to drift into this slowly. because people don't treat you differently unless you are completely nuts. the general topics make me feel more aligned the further i close in on the target state. so this is also a "more"

but now i guess the biggest issue arises. most of these things only affect my state of mind. and are they only there because for so long i humoured my mind and entertained it with these things? i doubt that it's fake, there's a bunch of triggers around clothes and social injustice and being excluded. the need for me to close in towards the androgynous center is definitely there. but to approach this from the opposite side as i feel like, is that really necessary? would it make a difference if i just stayed who i am now and maybe even found peace with the social injustice, the cultural bullshit and presentation differences?

if i could find peace with those things, maybe. and yet the only thing i can't fix are aesthetics. only hrt can do that. i guess, the conclusion here is that gender is a very personal, state of mind, mental thing. the outside effect is neglectible in comparison, but the mental thing won't go away. and probably that is what people call dysphoria.