💾 Archived View for tilde.town › ~maxine › 2024-11-16.gmi captured on 2024-12-17 at 10:18:01. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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today i am heartbroken. i woke up to a text from a friends older sister informing me my friend had passed away. we weren't terribly close, but i thought we had time to get closer. we were texting fairly regularly recently and had plans to hang out last week, that tragically did not come to pass.
i feel grief, i hardly know who to tell. i feel so powerless. its over theres nothing i can do for her. i dont feel entitled to this grief it feels like i hardly knew her. cant help but think of all the times i could have been a better friend, the things i was already fretting over when she was still alive. but all i can do is move forward. i dont know how she died but its not fair to have a trans woman, a friend, violently removed from my life. i fear this is a feeling im going to have to grow acustomed to.
i think everything else i write is going to feal weak in comparison to this grief, inconsequential. i guess im at peace with that. ive been feeling very nihilistic recently. cynical. caving on old philosophies because i no longer care. ive been letting myself hate things because its easy and it feels wrong to try and stop it. hopefully i come around in a couple months, by the time i read this back.
the other night i met up with maebh at a noise show. i followed her to buy alcohol and i bought some sushi next door. we broke off. i saw my friend sam at the show and she introduced me to her friend mick (?). im worried i didnt hear her right or im spelling it wrong. i vaped weed. the 3 of us chatted about indie music and shared recs and stuff. i think we all have a lot of common ground which was super exciting. during the last set we went outside. they said they were going to low bar and invited me to join them. i brought maebh along. we took the bathurst streetcar to bathurst station and line 2 to dundas W. me and maebh chatted about movies on the streetcar and me and sam chatted about making music on the subway. when we got to low bar i chatted briefly with sam, mick, and their mutual (?) friends. eventually i broke off to chat with maebh. i wanted to talk with sam and mick again and we walked over to them. they were talking about gender and i mentioned judith butler and maebh made fun of me and sam said she loved gender trouble and i was embarassed cause i hadn't read it. i tried to finish a sentence about how i dont really relate to performative gender (obviously there are aspects of it that i do relate to but i think its more complex) but i couldnt get it out before people stopped listening. seemed that sam and mick were busy talking amoungst themselves. maebh said they seemed like they were getting to know eachother.
we decided to go to mama's, one of our regular bars. we said goodbye, i gave mick my website, and left. im gonna see sam tonight at her show! anyway we walk down to dundas and then south east to the bar. some mutual friend show up and its nice. were sitting at a table and chatting. gabbing about relationship stuff. i said i dont know where to find women, she says 'dont ask me that because you know what ill tell you'. i said i dont know and she says she thinks i do. i said what if we're thinking different things and she said "what are you thinking??" i said that i feel put on the spot and it would be awkward if i was wrong but eventually i say "why do i feel like you want more from this relationship" i dont remember what she said but i think it was like 'yeah?' or something. i said hey you're my friend but i dont think we have chemistry in this area and she gets up from the table and goes outside, where some of our mutual friends are smoking. i see her through the window screaming but cant hear her. i sit at that table alone for a while. she walks back inand ignores me when i wave at her. she ignores me the rest of the night
eventually i move to sit at the bar. i chat with jesse and jamie. i acknowledge mara, someone i dont know well at all but have met a couple times. i dont remember what we talked about, i think black dresses came up and i mentioned devi's shoegaze chicken nuggets tweet lolll. oh we talked about playing guitar and how she was taking lessons from a mutual friend. she shows me her favourite graffiti in the bathroom, i wish i could quote it perfectly, but it was something about having ripped some guys ear off. and she tells me she loves it because she knew the guy whos ear got ripped off. i showed her my tag. she takes me outside as the bar closes and shows me a tag she did. she tells me its her friends tag, she died in a motercycle accident exactly 90 days ago and this is the spot where they met. she said we should be friends cause i seem cool and she sees me around all the time, i agree, but i see my streetcar coming. i tell her ill give her my number next time i see her and shout my tumblr at her from across the street just in case she uses that. i get on my streetcar and go home.
last night i was at mama's again. i felt alone because of what happened with maebh. shortly after arriving i saw jamie and knowah (who i met last monday at karaoke, but had seen around prior). me and knowah chatted about music and briefly about dating and zines but mostly music all night it was rad. im glad i left the house and went to the bar where i know people.