💾 Archived View for tilde.town › ~maxine › 2024-10-10.gmi captured on 2024-12-17 at 10:18:01. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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october 10th 2024
ive been sick since friday, with this awful cough. i feel so frail and exhuasted.
ive been soooo bored. i went outside, on a walk, earlier this week. maybe sunday?
i walked to the park. i walked through the park. i tried to take note of everyone in the park.
i stared at everyone just in case there was some potential connection to be made
hoping that i would stumble onto someone that so obviously looked friend shaped
realizing there was no one i was going to try talking to in the park, i made my way to queen and spadina
i sat on a bench on the north east side of the intersection and watched people as they walked by
again looking for anyone friend shaped. i know the flaws in this.
maybe i dont know what a potential friend actually looks like. maybe my potential friend isnt walking on the north side of queen street.
when i did see someone who looked 'cool' i tried to make eye contact, tried to will a conversation into being.
eventually i got bored, made my way over to drom, sat at the bar, ordered a water.
made awkward eye contact with the bar tender multiple times but was unable to say 'hi how are you'
i made the mistake of looking at the menu, and she looked at me expectantly and i just shrugged
pretty soon after arriving i left and made my way north
i ended up at handlebar, a pretty solid bar. there was an electronic music event happening later
i sat at the bar and the bartender asked what i wanted to drink. i said i was just planning on loitering ad he said loiter away
i evesdropped on a couple conversations but didnt gleam anything of note. i left
i entered embassy. i went straight to the back and sat down at a table.
the bar tender said "its bar service only you have to order at the bar"
i said "is it ok if i dont?"
i sat there awkwardly at the table for a sec before spotting someone i knew ordering a drink
i went over to her, said hello. she said she was working on a poem about a taxidermized snow leopard that looked like it knew more than her. i said that sounds cool and that i was nice seeing her, and she took her drink and sat down.
the bartender asked if he could get me a water or anything and i said no its ok im actually leaving anyway
so i went home
i think that adventure has added days to my sickness because i havent had the energy to go out since.
i didnt so much as step food outside my house yesterday or today. two days ago i went grocery shopping.
let me reiterate i am very bored and feeling lonely
i am socializing with friends through the medium of the internet.
i hate feeling trapped behind this screen.
i dont even feel real anymore. i feel like i am the empty words on other peoples screen.
i feel aimless and lost.
im thinking about the future and i dont know what to expect, it all seems so bleak and empty.
i dont feel anchored to anything.
i feel like because of this i am not fun to socialize with. i feel like the things i say are meaningless and im unable to have good conversation because my life is so vapid and mundane.
ive been listening to a lot of music, watching cartoons, scrolling fedi, and tumblr, and even twitter.
i love that its october, i love fall, i cant wait for halloween, its my favourite season.
im worried it will be one of my last months in toronto if i cant get a job.
ive been slowly slowly slowly writing songs. its so hard to get a song out of me.
i feel like pouring from an empty cup rn
when i feel better, i plan to go outside. loiter at more bars. im dead set on manifesting a meet-cute
i wanna meet someone i click with whatever the fuck that means
i wonder if its not actually real, and im chasing an ideal i cant touch
but i wanna make a friend that just feels good and natural and organic
maybe more than a friend im not sure
but im tired of trying to mold people to be more like what i need