💾 Archived View for juliette.zone › gemlog › fall-stress.gmi captured on 2024-12-17 at 09:35:01. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Posted on 2024-11-30
Back in September, I posted about my free time rapidly vanishing with the start of a new academic year and many obligation coming due over a few months.
I'm not deluded enough to think I'm out of it just yet, but I am past some of the most pressing deadlines. From here, I need to stay the course. It seems like a good opportunity to take stock and assess how I handled this last while.
In conversations with my psychiatrist, I've said I handled this well. It certainly felt that way at the time. With a bit more time to process though, I can see the impacts of the stresses more clearly. I've found some white hairs for the first time. I have basically stopped pursuing any hobbies except for the most mindless of video games. I haven't found joy in cooking the way I usually do. My chronic pain returned and I've sent a message to my old physiotherapist to book a follow-up and hopefully correct it before it gets worse. Exercise has absolutely not been a part of my life either. Essentially, the "non-productive" pursuits in my life have been completely abandoned.
I don't feel as if I've been more productive. On the contrary, I feel the sword of Damocles above my neck. I feel the uncertainty in the pit of my stomach about what my future will be professionally, as part of this society, and as a trans person. I can't imagine any sufficient response and attempting to conjure one fills me with dread.
Otherwise, I feel fine.
I don't mean to be glib, I actually have felt more in control than I've felt in a long time. I've actually also been attempting to follow a book on zen meditation I borrowed from my local library. I'm certainly not far enough along yet to say if it's worth the practice, but it felt necessary to do something to calm and focus my mind. Right now, I feel that the actions to take are those that give me meaning. That means prioritizing tasks that are interesting, trying to be helpful, nurturing the connections I have with those around me, and trying not to get distracted with plans for the distant future that have no chance of staying intact.
This is definitely an improvement for me. I know full well that in previous years, I would have become too anxious to function well before this point. There's an opportunity for pride, I feel, in finding yourself in a difficult situation, and recognizing that the newness is itself a sign of growth.