💾 Archived View for deezdaydreams.com › diary › 08-24-2024.gmi captured on 2024-12-17 at 09:49:46. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content

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August 24th, 2024

I went to therapy a few days ago. Each time I've went, I've been able to talk about how all I see in my own life is darkness, and gravitating towards the abyss. This isn't how I always feel.

The quote "Life isn't a question to be answered, but a reality to experience" by philosophy Soren Kierkegaad resonates with me (I first heard it in the most recent Dune movie), as the word experience encapsulates both the good and the bad, the ying and yang, darkness and light. I see SO many things in this world that make me wonder in the magnificence of what God has created. The love I see in the eyes of my wife, a dog having unbelievable joy and bliss being with their human, the wind in the trees, the light breeze on a hot dry day, the flowers that bloom every summer, the green that creeps across this desert like a blanket of hope that the sun will rise again, that you can always rebuild, that there is always something to hope for.

I also see the contrast, war, famine, disease, abandonment, loneliness, pain, heartbreak, freak accidents that change someones lives for ever, the suicide of a loved one who came to their own horrible realization that life was no longer worth living, grinding at a job feeling like you are stuck and you have no where to go, a brother killing another brother, spreading suffering and misfortune for its own sake, as it was done to you.

There are also other moments where we talked about others, that I have a deep love for, regardless of time or deed, that I want to see live their best lives, and for them to go as far as they want, to find their purpose, and follow their dreams.

He would sit there, a wise man who has experienced the vest breadth of this paradoxical diechodomy, and he would listen. He would always offer the following: "This is something you cannot control, and that is okay."

This time however, was different.

He looked at me and said: "You have shown tremendous growth in the last handful of years we have had these sessions, I've witnessed a man who was lost inside of the Nietzchian Abyss slowly leave a place of meaninglessness and nihilism and slowly come to his own conclusions, about happiness, love, God, and what all of that means to him. I've witnessed him advocate and champion for others, singing their praises, and praying for their faults to become empowerments. Why then after all these years, with your willingness to see the contrast of life, to see the beauty in others lives, to provide encouragment and strength to those whom you hold so dearly, do you not give yourself, the same grace?"

This question is probably one I needed to hear more from him now than at any other point in my life.

That was two days ago and I can still hear the words echoing in my mind. Each echo bringing back memories within me that I think have laid the cobblestones down this path of disempowerment of self. The first time I had made a friend at school moving away just days after becoming friends, coming home to seeing my mom trying to put her best face forward even though she was sacrificing so much because my younger brother and I were born. The feeling of being forced to abide by my fathers commands in his attempt to mold me into something that wouldn't be crushed by the weight of the world. Realizing that the only friends I had at the time were people that used me as a punching bag, and made me feel like I was lesser, and my existence was only tolerated. The first time I had cut myself in a desparate attempt to feel something other than this deep pain that never left my chest, even when I fell asleep. Hearing my father over and over tell me that what I had done was not good enough, that there was always improvement. My older cousin making me feel bad about everything that I enjoyed, and making me feel small, that what I did, what I felt, did not matter. The day my heart was broken in half by a girl who used me for her own thrills, and made me think that they were someone who felt the same way about me as I did about them. The day my dad left, seeing my mom fall into that abyss, wondering every day how she got out of bed, how she kept going to work, how she continued to sacrifice for us. So many moments that lead to me always putting others before myself. The moments where I was looking for a father in every older man I knew, the moments where I was shown again and again that my sacrifice is the only answer, that place of no control.

The thing that scares me? I think all of my choices that have lead me to being 370+ pounds, the poor habits, all of the gaming, everything is me feeling like I want to have some semblance of control when I feel like at some point I'll give up all of that, to sacrifice and put myself on the backburner for my children. I have become my fathers son. I have become the product of my father and my mother. I am seeing how the generational trauma has manifested itself in me. It has to stop with me. I will not let my future children have to carry that weight. I need to work on me, and give myself up to things that are scary, and don't sound fun to be a better husband, (eventually) father, and man.

I need to be okay with the fact that I wasted so much time to get to this point, but at least I can make this choice, now, and start making my life better, and doing things that serve me, to provide encouragement and hope like I do for others.

I pray God will give me the strength to face the largest mountain I will ever climb, and one I may not make it to the top of.

Until next time.