💾 Archived View for dazlab.uk › log › 2024 › 0010.gmi captured on 2024-12-17 at 09:39:50. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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Another Entry in the Gemlog of dazlab.
I'm just musing on the irony that my recent tilt towards digital detoxification is what drove me to Gemini in the first place. As someone who grew up around the birth of the World Wide Web,
So what follows is some insight into my half-baked philosophical thoughts and ideas, as things currently stand. Most of these are incomplete, and I would struggle to articulate fully these thoughts and ideas without a great deal more time and space to arrange them; it takes time to translate the language of the mind into a coherent written narrative, to make sense of the firings - and mis-firings! - of electrical connections in the brain. What occurs in the mind is often confused and nebulous, and there is more-often-than-not a period of time required for those ephemeral connections to crystallise into things that make sense, things that can be understood, and then comprehended.
I see a lot of 'techie' types in this space, which is great; my own first instinct - upon spinning up my Capsule - was to use the technology to write about...technology. On reflection, for me at least, this seems a rather circular pursuit. It's like someone who wants to be a filmmaker but has only ever concerned themselves with the study of films, and upon deciding to make a film ends up making a film...about films. I sort of feel like that.
I would like to see Gemspace grow into more than it is, see more organic content spring up. I could evangelise about technology all day long, and twice on a Sunday, but I'd be doing nothing more than contributing to the perception I already have of Gemspace. And of course, one should actively work to create the world they'd like to see, and not just complain about its current state and wait for others to bring about change, so I'm beginning to explore other ways of expressing my own thoughts and feelings outside of the bubble of `technology`. And, let me tell you, it's not easy opening up the cold and impassive machinery of my heart and mind, breaking a long behavioural trait of building walls and not bridges; I feel like I need to try to dig deeper into myself and maybe reveal more of myself that I've ever been comfortable sharing.
Gemspace seems like just the place to do that; nobody is watching, nobody can see me. Your only interface to me is through the words that I write, the thoughts I express. So, here goes nothing.
I suffer from clinical depression. I've been popping pills to keep me level since 2010, when I tried (and failed, obviously) to end my life; I had struggled mentally prior to this - pretty much from the age of 13 or so - and from as far back as 2004 I recognised what I was feeling (or not feeling, as is perhaps more apt) was this thing I'd heard of: depression. Prior to that revelation, I'd always just thought I wasn't meant to be here, that there was something wrong with me, that I was here by accident, an imposter, a mistake; that any negative perceptions I experienced of the world were grounded in the fact that Something was telling me I wasn't supposed to be here and I should get out.
I was always a shy and reserved child, but I used to be kind, and thoughtful. I used to believe I had a beautiful soul, encased in a broken mind perhaps, and wrapped up in an imperfect body, but holding a genuine light within. Although I felt like shit all the time, I knew that I possessed a deep innocence, a desire to see the good in the world and in other people. In hindsight, I was incredibly naïve.
Adulthood ate that shit up.
Everyone loses some of their innocence as they grow old. From Child to Man, you gain and you lose. There is a trade-off. You absolutely must become more than you are in childhood to survive in the world, in the society we've build around us, and on that journey to adulthood you trade some of your child-like wonder, and perhaps even some of your child-like dreams, to become the kind of Man that can exist in the world.
But I see now that growing old and growing up are not the same.
Then, as now, I held on tight to the things that made my soul smile. They were all I had. In some ways, I'm still a Man-Child. But I think I traded all the wrong things, became the wrong version of myself. My view of the world here and now - at forty - is cynical and misanthropic; I hide from the world outside, from the people in it. I'm mistrustful of people's intentions, and I keep all at arms length.
I struggle to express warmth and emotions, coming across - even to my fiancé - as cold and dis-interested. That's because, in my heart, I am. Not for her, or for my children, but just because that is what I have allowed myself to become. Maybe that's why I have attached myself to technology. These calculating machines operate free from the burdens of Man. Maybe I have allowed myself to become more Machine than Man.
At any rate, this is not what concerns me. Understanding how I got here is irrelevant. I'm here. What do I do about it?
This is, partly, where the `digital detox` train of thought comes into play; in my work I spend all day using computers and other digital systems, and then I come home and spend many more hours staring at various screens and using various devices. I sometimes feel that perhaps I'm suffering from a form of digital contamination, where my attention span, attitudes and beliefs, world-view etc., are being eroded and twisted and - more importantly - shaped by a stream of endless digital content, controlled by corporate entities whose sole motivation is monetisation of the self. The Internet is a wonderful, and terrible, creation; a double-edged sword that both frees and enslaves Humanity. This sounds melodramatic and over-the-top to some of you, I'm sure, but ask yourself a question: where will we be in fifty years? Take the last ten and extrapolate the trend. It leads to a terrifying place.
smolNet is a wonderful island of sanity amidst the vapid extravagances of today's digital landscape, but en masse the vast majority of society is oblivious to these concerns. smolNet is a reaction to the rot that is spreading, a wonderful refuge where the relatively small - pun intended - portion of computer users who recognise where we're headed can breathe and take stock.
smolNet is not a solution to the societal rot being mirrored on the Web, and it shouldn't try to be; I don't have the solution, and I'm sure many of you don't either. It's not the sort of problem that can be solved at an individual level. I'm just glad it's here.
I have at times found myself meddling in the issues of the day, but I've largely freed myself from the trap I see others languishing in. People take to socials and get themselves all riled up over things that they can't change. I've come to believe this to be an insane approach to healthy living. Given my fragile mental infrastructure, mentioned above, I've found a healthy existence is engendered by focusing on the things that I can change, things that are within my direct ability to control. I suppose a nod to Stoicism, which I've written about before. This means rolling back my concerns about the world at large and focusing entirely on my tiny little bubble within it, a bubble that I can and do try to exercise perfect control over, though not altogether successfully. I can't change what Kier Starmer does, or Donald Trump, or Just Stop Oil; I can't affect what I pay for energy, or the price of milk. I can control what I have for breakfast.
People always have control over what they choose to put their energy into, despite their protestations to the contrary. If someone wrongs you, your reaction is a choice. You own that. If by action or inaction of another individual, your day is affected, you have total agency over what comes next. You can't change the things other do, but you can control your own emotional reactions, your own decision making. "Oh, that bastard cut me up!" OK. Are you going to choose to let this event ruin your day, or are you going to make the choice to process the anger immediately and move on. Far too many of us choose the former.