💾 Archived View for punkreflex.flounder.online › fleeting2024.gmi captured on 2024-12-17 at 09:18:24. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2024-09-28)
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12.17
feeling so much better. talked to evilswampmonster for a long time last night and was able to admit all the bad things that E was saying and doing to me. he made me feel so small. i had to ask him several times to stop laughing at me and belittling me. like wtf actually. i feel so much relief even though i am a little bit sad still. i'm starting to really feel like ok, that was a cool experience! but i'm glad it's over.
12.16
i think i am physically addicted to being in a relationship and it finally caught up to me completely. i must be meaningfully alone or else i will literally destroy myself. that's what all the anxiety was from for these past couple weeks. i am really heartbroken but it's for the best.
i was walking around the track at the ymca this morning and listening to a sermon and i had the thought "i am the loneliest person i know". and i started crying. that's why im chronically in relationships, i want to fill this hole so badly. but no one i've dated is really even available enough to be around sufficiently. and honestly i think the company i need to fill the gap is impossible in the position im in right now. i really don't know how to be alone. my costar today said "you can't break a bad habit without first examining why you adopted it in the first place."
i talk kind of a lot about how i wanted a twin growing up, to the point that they feel real and i miss them. i think this stems from not really having anyone to connect with growing up and feeling really bored. my brother is older and very normal, my sister is closer in age and somewhat insane. at risk of sounding mean, a friend of mine referred to her as a "classically dumb person" the other day and i don't disagree. her severe, debilitating ADHD makes it so that she can't listen or retain very much information at all, so she's not very fun to talk to. it makes me sad that she only has a couple memories from our childhood. she just repeats the same ones and when i bring up a deep cut it's like it happened to another person. in my adult life i've realized that i was extremely bored with no one to talk to in my family, and i was depressed my entire childhood because i thought that's just how the world was. i'm so much happier as an adult because i've discovered how deeply interesting people can be and i surround myself with them as much as possible. to me, the idea of being married means that i never have to feel alone anymore. i've really craved that for a long time. in my mind, once i had that security i could really go out into the world and do what i want to do. but i think i have it opposite. i really need to go out into the world, and then eventually someone will accompany me. i was feeling really empty in this relationship because he's a resident and he had 2 days a week where he couldn't hang out at all and only one off day on a random day. he was so busy and i am so not busy (unemployed within my corporate job; not a single task to do all day) so my life quickly came to revolve around him. that made me feel crazy, trying to figure out if i liked him but also needing him so bad to feel like i had any life at all.
anyways, i'm looking for a new job. let me know if you have any ideas. i love to stay busy and do a task.
12.14
two day streak of crying at the ymca
i feel better today though
12.13
crying at the ymca
12.12 pt. 2
have been moved to tears twice this morning. once watching My Old Ass (really cute and funny, it's set in the summertime in canada and it reminded me that things can and will be good again) and second reading ztbd's sweet responses to me and hmmmmmmmmm. thank you :)
12.12
feeling an ebb in the anxiety. i'm really struggling mentally right now but it seems like a lot of other people are too which is comforting to me. my mom says you just have to make it through, one foot in front of the other. i've been thinking about that a lot recently. i've been going to the ymca in the morning to deal with stress. ive been waking up every day at 5am with debilitating anxiety, but i'm redirecting that energy into getting out of bed and leaving the house. i'm hoping this dark time will set me up for a good habit in the future.
i told my roommate that i want to take Fran (her cat) when we move out of this house and we both cried. this has always been my intention but i never shared that with her. a friend this weekend advised that i tell her that because it would be a mental burden lifted. this cat is from a past relationship that is still painful, and i think the thought of having this reminder indefinitely was really hard on her. she is really picky about who she would let take Fran, so it was such a relief for her to know that she would belong to someone who loves her so much. and it's a relief to me to know that she isn't going anywhere. i spend so much time with her and i've started to miss her when i'm out of the house like she's my own. i was out of the house from 8am to 11pm on saturday and at the end of the day i was like "i need to go see my cat."
12.10
had a therapy consultation today and then took a longish walk after work. feeling a little better.
they have the wrong guy right? they have to be framing him, none of the pennsylvania details really make sense. i can’t tell if this is a popular belief or if i’m going full conspiracy
12.9
feeling intense amounts of anxiety these days. not sure if im ready to be in a relationship yet if im honest. these past couple months have been extremely emotionally intense and i feel like it's all catching up with me right now. i went to trader joe's yesterday at noon and there were so many people there and kids running in front of my cart and general chaos that i started to get tunnel vision and i couldn't read any labels because of bright spots in my eyes and i felt like i was in a dream. i was afraid to drive home but i made it and then slept it off but i felt really really sick. it was so scary
12.6
went to yoga this morning before work yay!
doing so much better. and was honest with my boss about feeling like i have no purpose in my role so i'm glad about that.
12.1
have come up with a plan of what i’m going to do with my time and i feel much better.
i reinstated my YMCA membership and signed up for a yoga class this morning but when i showed up it turned out the yoga class was at a different Y and there was a weightlifting cardio class at the same time instead. so i did that and it was hard lol. i’m glad i did it though!
about to go see a 3 hour soviet WW2 movie with E today and i’m scared! it’s famously a tough watch. i might have to leave early lol
11.29
okay the person didn’t want fran so she’s staying lol.
i am having a really hard time still though. every day i am so anxious. i think it’s a mixture of seasonal depression and not having a fucking life! even though my job is the easiest thing in the entire world, i have no purpose or way to fill my time every day so i feel despondent. i feel ungrateful but oh my god i need something to do. it’s all so fucking pointless, i feel like every day is just staring at the wall waiting for time to pass. i feel so stuck. i think i would feel more satisfied with other things in my life if i had something to occupy my mind, but right now im obsessing over things just because there’s nothing else to think about. currently looking for other jobs to fill my time, let me know if you have any ideas for things i could do at home from a computer
11.26
my roommate is giving away our cat this weekend. i am extremely upset because i love her so much and spend a ton of time with her. i really can't fathom being alone during wfh now. it's so hard to be around both of them right now. i have to grieve her while she's still around, it's kind of brutal
11.20
going to sinkhole tonight to see dusk but then i want to stop going to sinkhole for awhile i think. i am so sick of it. also sad that fortune teller bar is closing :(
11.12
last night i went over to E’s house and he surprised me by taking me to a symphony concert :D it was for veteran’s day so it was mostly old people. he also has white hair he blended in with everyone
we have been trying to finish The Conversation by francis ford coppola for weeks but we only watch 20 minutes at a time bc we love to talkkk
he said yesterday that it used to be so hard to understand each other and then one day it all just clicked. to my brain it feels like he miraculously got better at english but i think i just don’t hear it anymore
we fell asleep around 3am and i woke up in the morning to his kitten sleeping in the crook of my neck :’)
this is such a weird time bc the political landscape is so gloomy and i have a lot of friends who are struggling with various interpersonal problems but in my own life i’m like :P im in looove
so my game plan is to just continue to bring the good vibes is everyone okay with that
11.11
happy veterans day
if you register for a new dunkin donuts account they will let you get a free drink with any purchase for 2 weeks on the app. so you can get 3 donut holes for .99 and get coffee for free. pretty awesome
the hardest thing to accept about the election result is that i truly don't believe trump wants to be president again. like at all
11.4
had a terrible voting experience, half my fault. i got up at 6am to go vote (true patriot) in my neighborhood and stood in the rain for 20 min and then once i almost got to the front i realized that i'm still registered in st louis county, not st louis city, so i couldn't vote there. i had to face the humiliating task of turning around and walking out in front of everyone and they probably thought i was giving up on the line right before it was over. which is really funny in hindsight.
then i had to drive 23 minutes to wellston to a polling booth that had 2 people in line according to a website (which is genius technology and i am grateful for it) and i had to drive through a huge scary flash flood. some people were doing u turns on the median to avoid the lake in the road. idk which is worse for your car.
i indeed walked right up to vote which was nice. i just showered and clocked into work and now i can be home all day so im glad. i considered just going home after the first polling place but i knew i would feel guilty about that. i think im gonna go see anora after work today
11.3
have been feeling so anxious recently and i finally journaled about it today and felt immediately better. kinda amazing!
now that halloweekend is over i will be partying less. glad for that
10.31
took an edible last night with E when i was already anxious and then got weird and paranoid. bad move i think
i didn't see him for two days which felt long
i'm trying to decide the significance of the grandeur of feelings i had. if that makes sense
i kind of had an epiphany last night about self censorship and i was trying to talk about it but i didn't explain it well. but i think i am preoccupied sometimes with people not understanding what im trying to say and so i think a lot about how to say something for mass appeal. i think part of this stems from being Online and trying to appeal to a large faceless audience. for years ive done a lot of writing out a funny tweet and then putting it in my drafts to decide later if it's actually funny. but then i get scared and never post it and then i'll look back later and be like ok i should've just said that, it was funny. i have a private account anyways, who cares. my friend michael said that to me this summer, that if i think it's funny then i should just say it. if i think it's funny then it probably is at least a little. i needed to hear that from him and i still think of it somewhat often.
but i think this online self-consciousness has leaked into my offline interactions. or it manifests in a different way. i hold back a lot with my coworkers or people i don't see myself in. mostly because i don't have a desire to say what i'm truly thinking to them, i don't want to get into it. i feel like i have two modes, holding back with people and saying the absolute truth. and i'm most often in absolute truth mode. E is also like this which is interesting. i was trying to tell him that his insights are brilliant in a way that occasionally stuns me and makes me realize that i should be speaking to him with my uncensored thoughts because they are smarter than what i actually say. the language barrier was hard at first and i thought i needed to simplify what i was saying, but now i don't find it hard to understand him at all. sometimes i disagree with him but sometimes his response to a thought of mine is so deeply true that i completely change my mind immediately. there is something thrilling about his precision and straightforwardness. yesterday we were marveling at how truly similar we are, that we're different interpretations of the same person. he said "but who is worse at being us?" good question. we just laughed and grinned at each other
10.28
had a life altering hangover yesterday
other than that this weekend was soooo fun i can't stop smiling
10.24
so excited for this weekend. except E needs a halloween costume NOW and we are struggling to come up with and execute one. i think he should be a chimney sweep. if anyone has a page boy hat i can borrow let me know
10.23
very bored with work. i have nothing to do ever. and then i sit in meetings where they talk about how they should reassign my team's project to someone else and further delay it. it's so ridiculous and incompetent. i feel like im mentally wasting away
10.18
feeling good and happy again!
i think that referencing someone's flounder post in conversation is community-minded and prosocial. i love it when someone does that, it makes me feel connected
russian man who is always in my house is in new york for the next 5 days... will be doing some reflecting in this time
i want to go to the new tschuss club on saturday night... i think i need it for spiritual purposes deadass
10.15
feeling so sad and overwhelmed these days
also having complicated feelings about the person im seeing. green flags and red flags at the same time. hmm
10.9
was tweaking a little last night because i was bringing a date to something for the first time basically ever... most of my stl friends have never actually seen me with a man before...so crazy to think about
it went goooood though i can't believe i was showing up to all this shit alone before!
fall mood board:
doing fun things with people
writing letters
puzzles
get high watch movie
trying to read again
showering in the afternoon
10.8
mj lenderman tonight..maybe one of the most important nights ever
i have 4 meetings today on my wfh day...i thought that was a no work day? deadass
10.7
this will be one of the most intense weeks of my life. sending important texts today. i would recommend not being from a deeply baptist family if you can help it
10.4
there was a time this week that i thought i had one possibly two fake mj lenderman tickets but i just got confirmation that me and my resale ticket original buyer are on the entry list thank effing god
10.2
plot advancing poetry night last night
9.30
have been dating a 29 year old russian man recently and every time he comes to my house he complains that i don't have a shoehorn
9.26
i think all apathetic men should die
going camping today after work :)
9.23
had a beautiful perfect weekend in tulsa, ok where i had many thoughts, observations, and revelations. now i am ready to be quiet and lowkey for the week or else i will get stressed out
9.19
have been hanging out with my crush for extremely long times when i see him, like 8+ hours usually. learning he is just like me in the sense that he is extremely opinionated and will say exactly what he's thinking. it's a shock to the system. not sure which one of us is the bigger bitch
9.18
social battery is so burnt out today. being straight up cranky at work
9.16
went out with the same sexy as fuuu person last night...watch this space
9.14
went out with someone sexy as fuuu tonight
9.13
official announcement: i broke up with my boyfriend :D
EVERYONE CHEERED
9.12
A couple weeks ago I got my tarot cards read and everything was about how everything in my life is changing which was eerily accurate. I can't tell how much I'm indifferent to it vs blocking out emotion in order to process it all without getting overwhelmed. I do feel like i'm okay though, i'm happy with how my life is going!
8.28
completely lost my voice for the first time in my life. i can’t even laugh, nothing comes out. so fucked up </3
8.23
im in italy right now and spent the entire day by myself and somehow made the perfect choices in terms of food and activities i am so pleased
i fr miss smoking weed though truly. and i really hate to say it. all there is to do is drink and that doesn’t really speak to me. have been traveling with a group of australians and they are built for heavy drinking and also do it every night and i can’t keep up and i actually refuse to
they’re cool i guess but i am adopting an americas next top model-esque platform of “i’m not here to make friends” so i’m prioritizing what i want to do over going with the group. i kind of fear that they’ll pick up on that and think i’m being rude or something but i don’t really fit in that much anyway? and i truly don’t care what they think. that’s why i’m such a good tourist, im good at making stupid american mistakes without getting embarrassed bc idk anyone here
8.15
the most insane thing ever is happening in my family and it gets worse every day. i am so deeply sad about it and i don’t know what to do. going on vacation on friday though which will be awesome. there will be lots of bus rides so i will have something to think about i guess
8.6
my sister broke an important family rule and i've been talking about it with friends and im getting my feelings hurt about how people will openly mock your religion to your face... i think there is a big difference between the whole thing of christians being "persecuted" in our society (like the Olympics ceremony or school shooters only killing christians..?) because that stuff is not real and it's narcissistic. and these people think they're making a sympathetic case for christians to the world but it opens them up to mocking. which is part of why people think it's okay to be blatantly rude while i talk about how i was raised. but it hurts my feelings to be lumped into the rest of the christian facebook warriors. like as my friend don't you believe that i can be normal about this? especially when that's not even the point, the point is that my family is having a crisis and i'm just explaining the framework and we're catching strays. like wtf..
7.31
saw the legendary zac m walking on my street today, probably lives in my neighborhood. there are so many friends that live here and a new house show venue that i can walk to is getting its start here too <3 it is really one of the most central places in st louis i love it!
so excited for the 22 degree halo/lucky shells/algae dust show tomorrow. that lineup could play madison square garden (to me)
went to south bend, in this past weekend for a club ultimate frisbee tournament and it is hard to just be mediocre! mentally im frustrated because when you’re there you feel like an idiot for just being okay for a club team because everyone is amazing. and then i got home and it’s like wow it’s actually great that my whole life doesn’t revolve around that niche sport. it is really a lot of fun to play with my friends but i don’t think i have the mental toughness to be an inconsequential player in something so specialized, and i don’t particularly want to put any more time or effort into it than what i’m currently doing (playing 2x a week). i have the decision to go to sectionals in des moines in late september but i might not want to go through the agonizing self consciousness of this weekend again. im hoping that goes away and i get my confidence back and then i can go have fun with my friends at the tournament, but i’m also content with only doing a rec league and no club teams. i miss playing womens league instead of mixed, it’s a lot more my speed
also i lost my debit card in a mansion estate sale on friday and the company is holding it hostage lowkey like….. they are impossible to communicate with so i will just have to go to the sale on saturday morning to get it. im grateful that they have it and are hanging onto it for me but i respond to their fb messages within a minute of receiving them and they don’t answer for over a day. i have bills and rent to pay i need it now! i have a credit card which is a lifesaver but it really is frustrating to have to wait over a week to get it
7.29
having an awesome time right now i think
i had a really good meeting with an important boss today where i really impressed her and i’m very happy about that
im addicted to the olympics i love it so much
7.9
car got broken into last night :( but they only stole a print out of my car insurance policy :)
is there a show or something on friday. i wanna do something fun
7.6
moved out of my house a week early! mattress is on the floor! i never grew out of loving things like that. i’m going to try hard to finish moving all my small things tomorrow and then my parents will help move the big stuff on saturday. i’m happy to be here :)
7.4
had the most perfect day ever! woke up at 5 to watch blake’s 5k in the rain which was kind of nice and peaceful. and then his mom made me an omelet and we read our books until our friend got there and we drove up to mark twain lake to go on a friend’s boat. genuinely such a nice time, i feel like a human again
7.2 pt 2
going to blake’s house and reading my book has changed the game
he has 200 pages of reading to do every day for his summer history class so when we hang out i bring my book over and i can actually focus unlike at home. i wish we lived together! which is something i’ve really never desired with a partner ever. my parents don’t really hang out at home and my mom is really critical of him and i worry that being so close to someone i love like that will make me resentful of him. i’ve been afraid of that since i was a kid. i need to hear stories about couples my age living together now and what it’s actually like. and preferably good stories
the other day i was at his house and i emptied the ice tray into the ice container and put the tray on the counter to refill and when i turned around blake was handing me the tray filled back up so i could put it away. it’s small but i love him for that
7.2
slept off the sickness last night. started packing up this morning for my first of many trips to the house. im trying to move mostly by myself but we'll see how that goes
i'm kinda excited to move but i'm getting scared about the distance from blake's house. i didn't realize it would be a 50 minute drive from his house in the afternoons. i feel really bad about that and i worry i just made my life harder because i will also have to drive much further than i already do. he'll be in kirksville in the fall so that won't matter, i'll go up to stay with him on wednesday night through sunday so that's a 3 hour 15 min drive but the length of the stay makes it so worth it. then he'll live with his parents for one more year after graduating graduating, so i guess it's at least a year and a half of driving 45+ min? unless i move again next summer? which i really would not like to do! we'll see. i'm feeling fretful and deeply sad. i'm excited to move in with my new roommate, i feel emotionally safe with her which is important to me. i get frustrated because all my current roommates are people who don't respond to messages for days, even time sensitive ones. i just can't live like that anymore!
7.1
missed my welbutrin dose yesterday so i unthinkingly double dosed today and it made me so sick that i had to come back and work from home. ughhhh
6.28
bf got told he looks like heath ledger today. we are so up
me and my friends are walking in the pride parade with enterprise bc we thought it would be funny but now they’re sponsored by boeing so it’s not really that funny anymore
6.27
there was a nickel size pale spider in my bed today and i crushed it between my fingers in a tissue and i could feel a tiny burst
6.25
starting to get real excited about moving
lowkey have been working it out on the remix
6.24
realized my job is literally just talk to my best friend every day. we have absolutely nothing to do so we just walk around and talk about everything and it is deeply fulfilling. can’t believe i just realized this, i’ve been such a baby about being bored
i do think i truly can’t handle working from home more than one day a week if that. sydney says that i pretend i don’t have ADD because i don’t want to acknowledge it but she can tell in the way i act that i’m not focusing in the very few meetings we have. it’s just so hard to be engaged when i have no idea what’s going on or what will be expected of me on any given day. this part is my own fault but i always worry that they will get mad at me or like me less if i catch on slowly and i panic about that while someone’s teaching something to me at work. so stupid
feeling good about my relationship, it’s been a hard summer for reasons outside of our control but we realized that i can come over and read my book during my WFH days while he does his homework and then most of our problems are solved
6.22
theme of this summer is feeling profoundly lonely
6.18
signed for an amazing apartment in northampton. scared. the driving might be bad. or at least very different from what i'm used to since it's easy to get on the highway from u city
close friend admitted having feelings for me and it's making me deeply sad. i miss how things i used to be most of the time
6.14
need to break up with my therapist eek
applied for two apartments. one is perfect but in northampton which is a random neighborhood to me. almost strictly residential. worried about where i will walk to
6.9
long time no see!
blake’s birthday was yesterday and we’ve been beefing bc we’re both having a bad time but we got drunk with his parents and went to the casino and decided we are too aware of casino tricks to get addicted to this shit. peace and love to slots lovers but i don’t understand why it’s fun! you’re losing over and over and when you win you earn like $1.50. how can anyone get addicted to that? the reward is far outpaced by the cost. blackjack was fun though. we walked away with $17 i think
THEN i got to sleep over at his parent’s house for the first time ever. absolutely unreal. i did have several nightmares and each of them was about being alone and i kept waking up terrified. so strange
i went to a wedding on friday for a frisbee friend and in my dream i went to the bathroom and came back to the dinner area and it was completely empty. i think that was the scariest one. it reminded me of childhood nightmares, how the actual content isn’t actually that scary but you are physically filled with terror. it feels chemical and deeply irrational. i want to know why that happened
then i went and saw the tv glow with my friend michael. that movie rocks!!!!!!! i wish i could’ve watched this when i was younger. i think it would’ve made me feel better about a lot of things. oh i love it!!!
everyone kind of has a weird off vibe right now. i’m trying to decide if it’s just an awkwardness that is affecting all of us right now due to circumstances beyond our control or if everyone is detecting an essential evil in me and are now uncomfortable. definitely not that but i do feel like it’s harder for me to talk to people right now. usually i feel like i say things that are very true in a casual conversation but right now i’m not hitting that. and i keep saying “and i want to hear you speak on that” when someone says something interesting but then i can’t stop talking because i’m so nervous. it’s so egregious i’m trying to work on it
5.30
Chappell Roan tonight! i feel like a fake fan. haven't listened to the full album all the way through yet. i have become what i mildly distain
my new office is a total celluar dead zone which kinda scares me for like, safety reasons? my phone blows up once i leave like um. my job is to roll out the new emergency contact system for the whole company so we can alert people that there's active shooters and fires and such. but i wouldn't even get the text that i'm sending out to everyone's phones. *shein factory influencer voice* ok
my roommate has been gone for a week and she took her cat and i'm feeling at peace! i went to frisbee last night in forest park and i played really well! i realized that i have felt nervous before every single competition my entire life because i'm really competitive about sports. i need to work on that because in these times it puts me over the edge and i don't even want to go because i'm so anxious
5.28
overwhelmed. feeling like i’m fighting with many people in my life which is not normal. can’t see clearly because there’s so much to do. i want to stop doing things alone and start doing them with other people but organizing a plan feels so difficult right now. i keep saying i want to skip the next 6 months of my life because it’s going to be so hard and that makes me sad. i love summer i want to enjoy it
5.20
me and bestie got called efficient geniuses today at work but they have to be joking bc we work on a project for 30 min a day and then that’s it. i guess we get it done fast bc we’re waiting for stuff to do. but that was funny to hear. if my friend said that i’d be like literallyyy haha but they were impressed by my comm degree here so i feel like the bar is lower than expected
moving in with someone i slightly know but like a lot. my relentless optimism about roommates is unbelievable. i am not beating the addicted to moving allegations
we’re trying to stay in my neighborhood bc it’s really close to both of our jobs. i’m trying not to be intense about it but i would really like that. but tower grove would be good too
5.16
i love my new job i feel like my quality of life has greatly increased
5.14
got paid a full day’s wages for 30 min of work. wow
watched climax and phantom thread to pass the time :)
5.13
urghhh did the thing where i deleted my previous posts bc i always leave tabs open.
stressed the fuck out need a new roommate by june 1st and everyone who said they had a possible person waited till the last minute to ask them i’m so annoyed!!! please help please help
man i’m sad about deleting those entries i forgot what i said and i wanna know
did a puzzle at work today and talked to my new coworker about growing up mormon in utah :-) and everyone was impressed by my puzzle skills
tomorrow is our wfh day and boss said to just keep the computer near me while i do other stuff……. (:D)
4.24
feeling sooooo anxious about working from home 3 days a week i need stability and friends. i’m getting fomo already. i need everyone i like to also leave and join me so i don’t get sad
my real fear is that i will become untethered from a life. i need something going on, i don’t want my day to just be at home. unless i end up really liking it because my house is full of beautiful sunlight during the day
stlshowpage.com on the ipad is goated
4.21
HUGE day for yappers like me yesterday
morgan and i leaving the party like “ok thank you bye we’re leaving bye thank you”
i love the people i know and frankly i stay having a good time
4.19
secretly applied for a job at corporate last week and secretly interviewed on tuesday and secretly accepted the position this morning
period!
having a birthday dinner with my family tonight and i’m going to surprise them with the news. i didn’t tell them anything about it and they’re always asking about my promotions. i can’t even wrap my mind around it yet because i didn’t let myself get my hopes up.
BEST PART my bestie also applied and got the job
maximizing our joint slay
so if you see me going hard tomorrow at the functions this is why
ALSO other bestie is coming with me to party tomorrow which is actually amazing bc i go to everything alone. which i like doing bc it’s less hassle but i started wondering if people have ever thought “wtf is her deal” bc im always showing up hanging out just me
4.17
genuinely had a wonderful day. i love it when people are excited for my birthday. 2 other people in the office had their birthday today and it felt like an event! i had all my favorite foods and sydney gave me a tiny peter pan in kensington book that i love. she didn’t intend this but it made me reflect on that scene in the original book where Peter comes back to Wendy when she’s a grown woman and she curls up to try to hide her body. and then he takes her daughter to neverland and then her daughter’s daughter. RAN THROUGH
my dad caught a fish in the lake and sent a video dedicating the fish to me and kissed it. he said “it’s small and sweet just like you” <3
4.16
twenty four years minus one day today
4.15
i’m excited for this weekend and for monday when i start my poetry class at stlcc. you can just take classes for fun for like <$100. that’s the best idea i’ve ever heard
i want to stop being so honest at work. i am emotionally available there and i need to stop. i’ve been acting more reserved lately and it rocks.
April Ins: inhabiting a Ferb-like persona
4.13
saw slaughter beach dog in como on friday. was talking to a sweet couple for awhile and i asked if i could guess what number date they’re on. i said number 7 or 8 and she said “it’s more like 4-5 but he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend” in a like, low growl and i shot up and said “let’s drop it let’s drop it oh my god” and shortly after i got up to get more water and let them be
other than that i’ve been having such a good weekend that if i was an old dog i would start to have my suspicions that my owners are putting me down tomorrow
watching annie hall for the first time tonight. unfortunately it rocks. he’s the most insufferable annoying person but it’s compelling. right afterwards i started watching allen v. farrow. i’m fascinated by their lives, mia farrow is an angel. curious about if the public thought he was attractive before the scandal or if he was simply well-regarded as a director. i know that he writes himself in annie hall as if all women are attracted to him but was it like that in real life? or were they drawn in by his bookishness and then the attraction came later? i’ve always wondered this
4.11
becoming a try hard at work and it is actually kinda wonderful. i remember being really depressed my sophomore year of college and crying in my bed with my boyfriend at the time and while trying to give me solutions he said “you could put focus and effort on school because it’s fun to do be doing well in class” and that stuck with me. so i’m gonna do that
4.10
i feel like i’m going nowhere in life and i’m genuinely freaking out. should i go to grad school? should i teach english in prague? should i go to grad school so i have a better chance of teaching english in prague because the market for teachers is oversaturated?? i feel like i need to move or something. i’m feeling so insecure about my lack of ambition. i don’t really have anything i feel too passionate about pursuing and i never really have. my job is fine but it’s just to make money, it doesn’t particularly interest me to move up besides making more money. Will said that all these terrible astrological things are happening right now all at once like mercury in retrograde and aries moon (?) and it will make you feel like everything is so bad that you need to make a drastic change. trying to keep that in mind while i feel like this. i feel like im running out of time for some reason!!!
4.9
got a p*p smear and bloodwork and got my welbutrin dose increased today.. typing this from the doctors office. gonna go see problemista at frontenac theater as a reward
i am such a freak about blood and needles oh my GOD i cannot be normal about it i had to lay down and put my arm over my eyes so i wouldn’t freak out
4.3
have been working 10 hours a day at work this week so i can skip friday
it’s fine but it also feels like all day prison
considering getting a 2 day in person/3 day wfh job in HR vs an every other day WFH in license and title (what i do now). the 2 in office 3 at home job would be with my best friend and the license and title job would be more work and no friends. but i might like the routine of being in office more often. hmm
3.31
amazing perfect easter weekend
3.29
free horsegirl concert at blueberry hill oh my god
it reminds me of how fugazi kept their cover $5 for every show no matter what
3.27
roommate left for boston today for an unclear amount of time and left her cat behind and i asked her if someone is supposed to be taking care of him and she texted back “oh sorry i meant to ask”
i said no <3 <3
haven’t seen her since sunday and my spirits are lifted, i’m hanging out in the kitchen, speaking vulnerably, laughing without abandon……..
im excited for easter weekend i will be at my parents house and im gonna walk to the Innsbrook library and look at all the self published books that the residents put in there. it’s gonna be psycho
have been looking at pics of myself from the past year up to the past couple months and i look so haggard..somebody please save this girl from the circumstances she chose to put herself in!
3.26
did so much today. visited 2 grocery stores (wtf) and did laundry and folded and made brownies and cleaned my room and everything showered (no shaving)
feeling good
i want to move to philly in a couple years. finally admitting that to myself
been so addicted to my phone recently in a void filling kind of way. just trying to get through it all
3.22
every time i have some downtime i force myself to “think about my future” as if figuring it out is a matter of hours of thought
3.21 pt 2
my niche talent is being able to know if someone is eating with their mouth closed for tiktok but don’t do it in real life
3.21
im addicted to the cigarette react on Microsoft teams
apparently my coworker has been using it as “that was some real ass shit you just said” and i’ve been using it as “smh” but i’ve been converted
wish i could cigarette react to uncle-altoid’s papa’s taco-dia post
3.19
the person sent a pic of my wallet for confirmation yesterday and it looked busted asf it was embarrassing. so i’m buying a new one
just went on a walk with my cubicle neighbor to tell her that one of her habits is so annoying that i spend less time at my desk bc i physically don’t want to be there. and it went really well and i feel a million times better. so awesome
one of my roommates is going through a mean girl era and it is so scary i’m just gonna go into hiding this week
im listening to Wellness by Nathan Hill at work right now and i really like it. the beginning is hard to get into which i did thru the physical book, now i can listen to it bc it’s “broken in”
blake went back to school and i really miss him :(
3.17
my wallet got found yayyy
went to st patrick’s day parade yesterday with no money, no id and phone on 38% i feel like i’m in my dirtbag narrative
i need to stop being judgmental, it’s getting bad. i’m just so angry & annoyed all the time by various things and i think it’s a coping mechanism to feel above it all but it’s getting outrageous. i’m going to stay home and run all week, i need to take a break from the public. minus the mold gold/riddle m show on friday, i’m going to that
3.16
got my wallet stolen in cottleville, missouri
tonight. be honest should i end it all or no
3.15
i want to go to pitchfork festival for saturday and then leave. need some co-conspirators
3.14
found out a couple weeks ago that my high school frenemy that kicked me out of the friend group converted to judaism, got married, and now lives in israel and recruits americans to go over there (presumably for military reasons). i think she got into this from birthright. she went to washu for premed to “disprove mental illness” but ended up changing to jewish and islamic studies her first semester. wtf
this weather has rebooted me. im ready to be a person again. i deactivated my personality briefly but im in the groupchat begging my roommates to go dancing with me tomorrow we’re so back
3.13
watched dune 2 yesterday in the theater. don’t watch both in the same day it was too much
3.12
watched dune at work today at my desk
3.7
idi i think you were right i just tend to assume everyone is my age. my bad!
have been feeling weird and bad recently. feeling disconnected from my friends but when i talk to them i don’t feel better i just feel like something’s not right. i don’t really have anything to say and what ends up coming out of my mouth feels boring. spring used to be my favorite season but now i hate it, i always get so depressed that every single thing becomes uninteresting and i feel hopeless about the future. i keep obsessing over everything feeling “right” which used to be a background noise kind of thing but now it’s everything, it’s all a sign of what’s to come. today my coffee was good so i will have a good day and things will get better for me, but oh wait i have a headache so that means it’s gonna be bad, my eucalyptus branch at my desk fell down so that’s two bad things so that means it will be bad for awhile, etc. i have this idea that there’s an equilibrium i can find where everything will feel “right”, i just have to find it. so i get anxious about changing anything or getting rid of anything because what if that thing was helping it be “right” and now it’s gone. so i’m trying to find a therapist to help me with this because it’s becoming unmanageable <3
3.4
met someone i really liked tonight. her name was Lou but i know nothing else about her besides she’s a perpetual grad student at SLU. flounder do your thing
2.28
i think they eliminated the position i applied for because no one who applied got it. swag
feeling absolutely no particular way about this result besides mild relief which is very telling. i hate change and my life is going bad right now i don’t want to change jobs AND buildings fuck that
i need to request two full weeks off in august but i’m very nervous to do that. what if they say no. i’ve already paid for the entire trip that just won’t do!
going to see the lighthouse at amc alone tomorrow tonight. i have a feeling it will fix me. i feel good and i look good today so i’m already feeling better. i have an older lady at work who is a sweater connoisseur and when she tells me she likes my sweater i know it’s a banger. she told me that today during the team meeting in front of everyone and i was like “i got dressed this morning hoping you’d say that :D”
i used to think i would not care about aging but i am almost 24 and i’m scared and i feel like i can see my face changing. i think once i’m happier/less stressed i won’t think about it anymore but right now i feel ugly. and not smart too. unrelated but it’s how i feel
2.26
watching sex in the city in my bed instead of going to work bc i’m sick!
2.25
still sick
saw madame web on friday and we thought we were gonna be the only ones in the theater but before dinner we checked our fandango seats and two people chose their seats right next to us. in the entire open theater. terrifying
it ended up being a pretty full theater once we got there so it wasn’t so bad
2.24
throwing my guts up randomly at my friend’s galentines day party. she planned elaborate activities that are so fun and i am so so sick i feel horrible on multiple levels
2.22
ok just did a job interview and i want the job so so so bad and i think i did really good. regardless of the result i think i will be more normal now that that’s over
2.21
stressed. i have aged facially in the past couple months from stress i think. swag
2.20
finished the curse today at work. horrifying
went to the soccer game today. healing
discovered many hax: 1. park at ballpark loop village and take the trolley to the stadium. runs every 30 min before the game apparently so if timed correctly you can avoid the busy exit both times and get in and out quickly. also, i bought the cheapest ticket i could find and stood closer than where my seat was. therefore i could have more fun
2.19
the recruiter for the job i applied for called me twice today but i had my phone on mute :/ will call back tomorrow. but why did i have my phone on mute at home girl you do not need to focus that much for cooking dinner
have been so stressed that real life details are working into my dreams. i dreamt about travel visas last night
going to the stl city game alone tomorrow because i got a deal from work. i love to go to things alone but this feels like another level. im worrying about taking the shuttle from ballpark village to city stadium vs finding a lot to park in like wtf am i actually doing. i hate to say this, it is tired, but i literally am just some girl. can i just come watch and then leave and it not be a whole thing pleaseeee i’m actually gonna freak out
i am really anxious these days and running helps. i also call blake most days and he lets me say all my worries at once in a jumble and he tells me why i’m being silly and what is actually something to worry about. but i feel like socially retiring for the rest of february, i feel like i’m being a disappointing friend. i really just cannot give my best right now
but anyways i will have an interview later this week wtfff this is so random i really care about it though. if you pray please mention me. if you manifest please say “emma will get this job”. many blessings to all
2.17
running at the ymca right now. just put down a minimum payment to go to europe this august :o doesn’t feel real. maybe because i’m depressed rn. i’m trying to think about how excited i will be in the future but right now i’m scared and tentative all the time. trying to decide if i want to go out tonight
2.16
vampire weekend is coming to st louis music park. never been there, any thoughts on it? should i try to get front seats or is there a strategic spot to sit which is better? this is one of my favorite bands so i want to be able to dance
applying for a new job in my company. can everyone put a prayer up for me please
have started running this month to manage my emotions and have been journaling every day. that’s how you know a girl is going thru it
2.15
should’ve done a cry log for this year. i am spiritually unwell
catchphrase of the week: whateva
2.12
literally found a cursed ring in my room that belongs to no one and it is so scary. it’s a triangle with an eye in the middle and sunbeams coming out of it. like exactly how you would imagine a cursed ring
except now everything in my life is getting better since i’ve found the ring. it could be the lunar new year but something was overturned. i was reaching psychotic levels of anxiety but things are getting restored. booyah
ran for 15 min today. huge bc i hate running
meeting blake in columbia on thursday for late valentines day :3
2.11
mardi gras was unreal. i had the best time ever. once my friend morgan left it was just me and my roommates and we danced in the street for hours, then we went inside to a random bar and danced upstairs for hours. someone gave me shrooms and i stuck them in my jeans pocket. wtf
2.10
feeling weird today
im very anxious these days. worried it’s reflecting in how i act. going to have a beer at mardi gras and try to act normal
2.9
feeling antsy af today
2.8
passed out in my bed at 8:15 last night, too tired to shower. still didn’t want to wake up in the morning which means something’s up.
told my boss i was sick, took a shower and read my book in bed which was lit. walked through washu and read a book on cannabalism in the library, went to SLAM and the zoo after. got a big santa lollipop for $1 from the zoo candy store to eat on the way home. walking home now and my feet hurt really bad. i had fun though, it was a good decision
walked 8.5 miles today & am delirious with endorphins. laughing my ass off at instagram reels rn
2.7
cried on the way to work today but now i feel amazing
last night was so awesome and fun. i met the last member of soup activists that i didn’t know and they made me laugh so hard. i love when a show has a fire pit
let my roommate��s cat sleep with me last night. felt weirdly intimate because he’s a really strange cat. i can’t tell if he likes me or if he’s just addicted to my bed. he acts so much like it’s his room that sometimes i feel genuinely bad when i move him out of my spot or i lock him out. macy said i have a little brother relationship with him and it’s very true. i feel like he understands what im saying to him so i talk to him like a real child. i explained to him yesterday why i didn’t want him on the counter in a very rational way and he stood and listened and left when i was done. he’s baby but sometimes i really get the creeps a little bit
2.6
accidentally deleted my feb journal entries bc i closed out of the tab i am so unlucky this month
lindeman’s framboise lambic beer……
best drink ever
1.29
high school boyfriend requested to follow me on insta last night
he lives in dc now and asked “what happened that night in summer 2021” and i said “what do you mean” but what i wanted to say was “you were getting secretly wasted at a house show and then almost puked in my car and we yelled at each other and then didn’t speak again for 2.5 years”
i told him i would elaborate if he unblocked me on spotify. such a rare opportunity to be toxic i had to seize it
was worried about telling blake for some reason but i texted him and he was just like “woah that’s interesting”. i love him so much!!! i’m getting teary eyed thinking about it
1.28 pt 2
got home, went to Cane’s, ate in the restaurant by myself and then saw Zone of Interest at alamo. perfect sunday afternoon
i’m so happy i love my friends and i feel loved in return
1.28
i had the most perfect beautiful night in decatur, illinois last night
caleb (marble teeth) and shauna have an extremely cool house. their toilet is black and the sink is sea shell shaped, among other novelties
me and X got pizza last night at a local place which was amazing and we got back to the house we heard it was the best in town from a lot of people. felt like i hit the jackpot
carter ward is such a celebrity to me that i always get nervous around him but we talked last night and he was really really cool. he’s gonna send me a cassette of one of my favorite albums ever (new plateau)
we also saw harrison (riddle m) and i love that guy!!!!! i’m addicted to his vibe! he is one of the most fascinating people to talk to. at one point he asked me what i meant by “big fish in a small pond” and i was disarmed by this. very sweet man. everyone hung out at the house after the show and played hot dice and was really into it. caleb put some records on while we played. really couldn’t imagine that night going any better
about to have breakfast with caleb and then we’ll head back home and listen to the Riddle M cd that X and i each bought. he’s so good, like jeff mangum
1.27
decatur today for marble teeth oh yes
exp open mic was so fun, there were so many people there and the vibe was good. i went with my coworker who works at corporate now and she gets paid a bunch of money to travel the country and eat at fancy restaurants basically. the idea of getting high up in my company actually kinda scares me bc it’s where the legit money is and idk if i’m ready for that. she went to the ritz carleton and had to wear a ball gown or something like that and i literally wear jeans to work and process paperwork and listen to audiobooks every day and i like that a lot. but i feel like i need to start getting my foot in the door bc if i can use this connection i could have a major career. and i studied communication in college so i would be lucking out like crazyy
but idk we’ll see
have been feeling so awkward recently. feel like i have no swag. i have nothing to say to people. wanted a beer last night but i woke up this morning and was glad i didn’t. the only alcohol that doesn’t gross me out is stag
1.24
today kinda rocked. the first thing someone said to me this morning was that i smelled really good and that my perfume works well on my skin specifically. that meant sooo much to me bc i’m transitioning out of my current perfume (replica coffee break) and i’m trying to find my new signature. the one i was wearing is blonde by dedcool and i ordered the full size today :)
halfway thru my dark vanessa and watched The Curse at work today. a coworker said my banter with J is their favorite part of work. interesting thing to say but i love the attention
going to decatur, illinois this weekend for the marble teeth/carter ward/riddle m house show it’s gonna be awesome
i also made really good banana chocolate chip muffins and now i’m reading in bed and planning on going to sleep at 9 <3
i feel like i’ve been very absent this past month but it was for the best, i needed a break from everything. but now i’m back and feelin good, i’m ready to have fun
1.23
i want to go to europe this summer so bad. i have the money i just need someone to go with
all of us strangers was really not that good. and i have a negative theater experience in every theater except alamo now. idk if i’ve said that already. some teens talked the entire way through wonka, a couple was texting during mean girls and showing each other their phones, and tonight my roommate was on bad behavior (flicking her hands back and forth inexplicably) which has nothing to do with marcus ronnie’s in particular but i didn’t enjoy it
if zone of interest isn’t good i have to quit watching movies
1.22
SNOW DAYYYY from work today
got home at 11 last night and went to bed at 1 so thank god honestly
gonna smoke and watch tiktoks in my bed. i love being dumbfounded and trying to decipher them
protein shake and slim jims for lunch at 1:43pm. i used to dream of days like this
1.21
we went to the amish grocery store in kirksville this weekend and it was awesome. he got a bunch of frozen food for extremely cheap which he was ecstatic about and i got good snacks like blueberry yogurt covered pretzels and liters of cold brew for .79 and spaghetti strings of licorice (i was equally excited)
we also started Girls which is my favorite show and we watched the whole first season and he said “i freaking love this show”
the fact that he enjoys the things i love on a level that’s the same as mine is so special to me. it wasn’t always like this, i think it’s something we’ve grown into. we think well together, it’s like we have the same radar for what is Good. When a vibe starts to feel off i just have to look at him and he’s thinking the same thi