💾 Archived View for hmmmmmmmmm.flounder.online › thoughts.gmi captured on 2024-12-17 at 09:01:39. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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im feeling mixed about my relationship right now. honestly i think i need to take a step back from things to evaluate how i feel but it's hard when you have a partner who spirals at the mention of anything changing/taking a step back.
it looks like other ppl are sharing their relationship stories and I think i want to share what mine is like. warning: tmi im gonna talk about sexual assault (my partner did not assault me just to be clear!)
my partner and I were really reliant on each other for all our social needs for the first few years of our relationship. that said, he always had close friends, i didnt. this year I've been learning to make friends. and he's felt really threatened by that I think.
i enjoy some mild flirting with strangers on nights out (but not anything like kissing or innuendos, just talking in a friendly way). I also like dressing in "going out" clothes and hanging out with my friends. he really hates this.
im really realizing how jealous of a person he is. this is manifesting in a lot of ways. he wants me to dress more conservatively than I would like to in my free time. he trusts me to not cheat but he doesn't trust others to not drag me away. if I have male friends I feel like I have to hide it from him. I also have a friend who i had a flirtatious moment with for like a week more than 5 years ago (a year and a half before my partner and i got together) and we lost touch after it didnt work out romantically, and we reconnected about a year ago, this time as real friends. it would be his preference for me to not see him ever again, despite him being in a relationship and my assurance that our friendship is just a friendship these days, and has been for a really long time. he hates when I talk about this friend, when i do nice things for him, insists he's in love with me (i really don't see it). my partner didn't share these feelings with me (despite me checking in) until this friend and i already had a friendship bond.
I also was assaulted by my cousin when I was a teen and something in my life has been triggering those bad feelings around sex so my partner and I have not been having sex much lately. all of this makes him nervous. and I just feel exhausted. I want to be able to have close male friends without him monitoring us. I want to go out wearing fun clothes sometimes. i want to trust my own judgment about people having feelings for me & setting boundaries. im just tired. communication around this topic goes nowhere
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i think i missed my chance this time around to break up. i feel like it's something you get a chance at for a couple weeks every couple months. ive started to conceptualize breaking up as a divorce more so than a breakup-- that feels like it gives the situation the gravity it deserves. we've been together for years, and we were very young when we got together. i don't know if i want to break up but i feel like I'm rolling the idea around like a pill in my mouth, waiting to see if i decide to swallow. this is probably very annoying to read about. it's annoying to think about and type. it feels like vomiting up all my organs until my toes are inside out. it feels like knocking over a burning candle on purpose in a big old house. it feels like waving around a loaded gun. im not going to think about it for a while
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i feel like every bad feeling i have about my relationship is a cloud or something, and if I have enough bad feelings then it will obscure the sun and won't get better no matter how hard we try, and thats scary because we have been together since we were teenagers. i think it feels like im in a log cabin and the idea of breaking up feels like stepping into a snowstorm-- it'll be so unpredictable and terrifying and im scared of relapsing or losing myself. but im starting to feel trapped in the cabin