💾 Archived View for evilswampmonster.flounder.online › fleeting.gmi captured on 2024-12-17 at 09:18:40. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2024-09-29)
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12/14
if anyone in the stl area is looking for a roommate pls lmk! my budget is small (probably around the 700 mark eek) but my heart is so big
12/12
have been reading "want" by Gillian Anderson and im so enthralled. also relieved to know that she's not a terf...with older british feminists you never know
12/11
feeling weird lately. I feel like i oscillate between "im doing so well i love the choices ive made to get me to where i am!" and "holy shit what am I doing" pretty regularly. I wish silent retreats were less expensive because my body has been craving silence and solitude like water.
i keep having to make difficult decisions about how I spend my time. everyone is in crisis in the winter and I need more solitude than I would under normal circumstances. the other day I basically asked someone to self-report how bad they were doing to determine if an emergency session was necessary and she kinda took offense I think. like i understand people want extra sessions but im not getting paid for this and my free time is important too. i felt so guilty after and I think it's making it harder to reject those requests if I technically have the time to give an extra session. & I keep canceling plans to have emergency sessions or just because I'm exhausted and it sucks because ive been trying to not cancel plans as much because ive self-isolated by chronically canceling in the past. ugh
i also found out that even after my hours are done the center I work at will still make me see my clients through the end of the semester. im glad I'll be able to see them but im going to be taking a lot more breaks next semester
12/6
rant incoming
ughhh there are people surveying the property at the cafe i work at. there's been no communication between my bosses and the new owners (the building just got sold) and im nervous that it's going to get shut down!
it feels low key like everything is falling apart. all of my clients are seasonally depressed as fuck and everyone is desperate for sessions but stuff keeps coming up for them during their normal session times so everyone wants to have makeup sessions. I think im doing a good job of setting boundaries and preserving my free time. i work pretty much nonstop from 6am until 7 or 8pm every weeknight except friday and ive been preserving weekend days as fully my own time(except they wont be because i have final exams to do still). i do feel good about this even though it's still a lot. have not been feeling social at all and im trying to be okay with that especially since all of my work is very social. it's hard though because all of my work is basically making sure everyone else is OK (in customer service and also in therapy) and i have no energy left for my own internal work which i desperately need to do
speaking of which im not feeling good about body image lately. I need to work on being ok with my body but Jesus christ it's hard
also im sick today. my mom's birthday was yesterday and she wants to do soooo much stuff tomorrow and on sunday. I was also planning on going to the poetry reading tonight but I rlly don't want to get other ppl sick, gonna play it by ear and see how im feeling
12/2
feeling so anxious and exhausted this morning. i couldn't rlly sleep last night & now im jittery but still tired. even though i had 5 (!) days off for thanksgiving my brain is still like ok when do we get a REAL break. idk how to solve that ! idk, i think the real issue might be that im just anxious about jumping back in to my routine.
i guess i just wish my time off felt more restful. im wasting so much time scrolling these days...i think my seasonal depression is finally setting in
11/29 2
weve been here for 7 hours and we are not slowing down. im so exhausted. nobody else is helping the 2 moms of young kids except for me and my partner too. my partner and i also have really bad allergies here. I feel like such a drama queen for being upset at hanging out but it's way too much
11/29
in jeff city to see my partner's family. my partners mom's family always wants to hang for like 10 hours when we're here. like we're about to go there now and we're not going to be back until like 9pm and his mom got kinda upset when he asked to leave after seeing them for 7 hours last time. I like seeing them and i like knowing his family but it's way too much!! i wish I didn't dread it
11/26
my tire blew out on the highway. which is cool.
guy at the auto repair place told me how much it would be in advance to fix it and asked how i was doing emotionally? he was so nice. also my partner picked me up and when we were coming home he realized that before he left he was parked in a spot where they were doing street cleaning so he avoided a fee. it happened in a kinda ideal way all things concerned
11/25 2
my boss to the group chat lmao
11/25
a big part of me knows ill miss my job at the garden cafe. but working weekends and coming in when you're sick because there's no coverage is something that gets old very fast. i woke up w really bad stomach pain last night and i still am feeling awful but im still going in for my shift because nobody responded to my text (not blaming them obv, it's not on them to check their phone at 2am). but it sucks!
11/23
practicing latte art more lately. i can sometimes make a heart or a leaf
11/21 2
no it was so good. I was worried the audience would be lame but they were so hype and she's amazing I loved it. I paid a little extra for the meet and greet (eek) and i was really awkward but she's amazing
11/21
seeing anna akana at helium tonight and im honestly feeling kind of nervous that it won't be good! she's been someone ive looked up to for a really long time but idk what if it's not hype. im mostly worried that there will be no crowd there...
11/19 2
halfway through my clinical hours AND i found out i passed the CPCE today?! big things happening
11/19
will be halfway through my clinical hours at the end of the day today!!!!! it's going by so fast. if i keep going at this rate ill be done with all of my hours by the end of march which is really crazy. thought about having to say goodbye to my clients the other day and got really sad. i really wish there was an ethical way to stay in contact with them after i go :(
11/9 2
the woman i met with is actually sooooooo mother i love her. i feel so much better
11/9
about to meet with a potential counseling mentor. i really have no idea what to expect-- i didn't prepare in any way because idk what i would do...I also don't know if this is gonna be, like, a 20 minute meeting or an hour long meeting. im nervous she won't like me eek
the time change and it being warm in november also has me feeling disoriented. it'll be 5pm, dark out and 60 degrees and internally im like oh it's 9pm in september. ive been wanting to have nights where ill go out with people but im soooo low energy. i feel like my social battery is chronically low and people think im not being fun and interesting. i know that this is such a situational thing and not a permanent personality shift but it's hard to internalize that sometimes
11/6
my family sending horrible ai gifs of trump in the family group chat is the absolute cherry on top right now
11/5 2
my mom is really scared kamala is going to win and im obviously not rooting for trump (hopefully thats obvious?) and so im going to feel weird around her for a while no matter how it's called.
i saw a tweet that was like "god it feels so good to lib out" and honestly it does. i know that kamala is like, not a good person and i would obv prefer someone a lot further left than she is. but it feels good to be hopeful
11/5
in line to vote at umsl rn. the drive over was so incredibly scary-- there was a big ass spider crawling around my dashboard (bug in car while driving is actually my #1 fear i think) and the conditions were terrible. my vote better make a damn difference
11/4
i loooove the way that conflict resolves in healthy relationships, it's so simple. oh you hurt my feelings. oh I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. boom, done, it's simple! so refreshing. it's not always like that obviously but when it is i love it
11/1 2
resolutions for 2025 so far
-decide if i ever want to try cocaine once (probably not)
-decide if i ever want to do shrooms
-go on a road trip alone
11/1
waking up with a fever makes you feel like you're waking up in the jungle. idk why
10/30
one kinda scary thing about counseling as a career is that if you're not in a good headspace or dont physically feel well you can't do your job well. like if you ever go through the death of a parent, fight with significant other or friend, deal with your own sudden trauma, have physical pain etc you can't counsel as effectively. right now im having really bad stomach pain and im considering canceling my 2 sessions this afternoon bc i know ill be really distracted! but im also like i need to do my job & i don't want to make that a habit whenever I don't feel 100%
10/28
my legs are sore bc i dropped it all night on saturday. and thats ok
10/25
not on or near my period but crying...is this what feelings is
10/24
took the CPCE today and *just* got my scores back and i got a 90 (actually 89.5 but whatever) and ive been told that anything above a 75 is basically a guaranteed pass so im not worried :) as a reward i was gonna go get myself a bagel at the einsteins on campus but it was closed even tho google maps said it was open...wtf
also finished my 10 page paper (actually 9 and a half but whatever), did my family genogram for a class and got some paperwork for my internship submitted...im a productivity machine. sooo excited for this weekend. halloweekend is my reward for this stressful ass week
10/23
had a really weird vivid dream
10/22
made major progress with a client today. i do really love this work !
10/21 2
sometimes i feel like pleasure & pain & horniness & humiliation are all french kissing each other but they keep hitting their noses and not being able to put their mouths on each others mouths. idk though
10/21
feeling weird
10/11
have been thinking a lot about my feelings around conflict. i think especially over the past year, ive become really comfortable with being in conflict with people because i feel like ive done a lot of work on being able to admit when im in the wrong, when im overreacting, etc and not spiraling about that, and apologizing & pivoting as soon as i see that in myself ! i think i used to be so terrified of being the asshole in the situation that i would avoid conflict entirely and rigidly hold onto my opinions even after they were obviously wrong.
i had a talk with my old work friend about her boyfriend. i was really honest about how i feel like he's not a kind person-- he yells at me in front of customers and makes me uncomfortable, he's condescending and sexist (said that he "hates old white women" and also tried to explain how therapy works to me), and has a massive fragile ego. even though i really wanted to say "and everyone else who works with him shares these feelings!" i didnt because i didn't want to hurt her friendship with them. as much as it hurts my heart i feel like i handled it ok. i didn't put pressure on her to break up with him. she didn't follow me back on anything (it turns out she unfollowed me on every social media) and i ended up unfollowing her too. it's just weird because she doesn't hate my guts--she said that she cares about how i feel and cares about me--and i don't hate hers, which she knows. it's a really weird friendship limbo. i just want my friend back honestly! but she is attached to her bf so intensely that i don't see that happening, at least for now.
10/8
just found out that my old work bestie (who's bestie-bestie) unfollowed me on insta because her awful boyfriend and i (whom i now work with) fought :( literally everyone else involved has backed me up and agreed with me. i know if she knew my side of the story she would back me up too frankly. cannot stress enough how generous i was with this horrible man and how awful he is. it's one of those things where once she breaks up with him (if that ever happens) she'll see the light. but who knows if and when that'll happen. women who date men need to trust their friends!
10/7
will always and forever be on my screenzen bs for phone addiction but i think the only way to make yourself truly phone repellent is to make your screen black and white. literally it's like flipping a switch in my brain as soon as i do it every time, like my eyes *crave* color
10/5
whenever i go out and get drunk i always feel the need to apologize to the ppl I was with the next day. like literally for nothing just for acting drunk & silly. idk why this is
had a great time last night tho! met new ppl who rock and kept bumping into this girl from my high school--like i saw her at 2 different locations which was so strange. i am hungover in a crazy way now though
10/2
ok the course schedules for next semester just dropped and i can either take couples counseling or grief counseling....really wanted to take both but i wont be able to! i am open to suggestions & thoughts from the flounder community
background info:
-i have had both profs before and love both
-theyre at the exact same time and these classes arent offered again until after i graduate so taking both is rlly not an option
-if i take couples ill qualify for the multiculturalism certificate (but do i gaf? idk)
-was literallyyyyy just posting today about how i want to take the grief class. but that was also before i knew i had to choose
-i find grief to be more foundational/important but couples to be more interesting
10/1
realizing how intimidated i am by the idea of grief. i think the best way to help someone through their grief is to exist with them in it and just be there, physically & emotionally. there's nothing you can really do except listen and be there and try to help guide them through the feelings that seem like they don't make sense. i want to learn more about this.
9/28
playing the "sick or allergies" game rn. i think it's allergies
9/25
worked sooo hard and emailed the counseling office 100000 times to book a room on campus for my 2 sessions tonight bc they were all full and I finally got one and one of my clients just canceled last minute(the earlier one ofc so now im stuck on campus). not my client's fault at all and i love her but it is annoying to me rn
9/24
this time next week ill be halfway through my clinical hours for the semester :0 v v excited ! im realizing how much i truly love seeing clients in therapy.
over the summer i was a practicum student and not an intern, which means i had a much lower hour requirement to finish out the semester but my then-advisor was watching every moment of my sessions. & in retrospect she was incredibly harsh! like there was one client who i was having a hard time interrupting & confronting (because that's a hard thing to do), and she was like "if you don't interrupt her and confront her, im not letting you move forward to internship." i hardcore spiraled after that i think. i really questioned my ability to do a good job in sessions. i think hearing that pushed me to be a better clinician and when the semester was over she said i was doing a good job, but i would have done so much better if she had said it in a kinder way. at the time i was grateful for her honesty and was glad i was being told the truth, but im glad she's not my advisor anymore! my current advisor is so much nicer.
9/23
hair color is such an important element when picking a halloween costume unfortunately. was considering being the bitch from almost famous but i can't pull that off! not blonde! probs a good thing anyway though bc if i did it too well i would almost certainly fall in love w myself, not a good look
may just end up being carmie from the bear but i do want to look hot this year, and that's hard to pull off in a tshirt that says "beef." idk!
9/20
thought i invented the chai cold foam espresso martini but it was already a thing :/ #notaninnovator
9/16
@ work and my coworker for the day called out sick so i am all alone!
convo w my boss about it lmaoo
9/15
just shed actual tears thinking about the wire mother/cloth mother monkeys :(
9/13
hmmmm (me, thinking)
9/7
it was a nice temp for a run this morning! i can only go 2 miles so far but now that it's getting cooler im gonna try to push myself to go farther & get stronger.
i want to write about not living in my parents' house anymore. im in a family systems class this semester and so far we've talked a little about how families can have cultures of dysfunction. my family is incredibly codependent and anxious, and i feel like, now that i have a little distance from them, i can see how that was what was making me feel like i was drowning the whole time. ive been thinking a lot about the messages that parents inadvertently send their kids-- obviously if a parent says "nobody will care about you as much as we do" to their kids, it's fucked up, but if they say and do things that imply that that's the truth, the kid still comes away with that message, just in a more disorganized and dissociated way. it's like how parents don't ever have to say beauty standards outright without kids picking up on them. maybe this is very obvious but to me it's been interesting to think about.
one thing that my mom talks about a lot is her hatred of the idea of multiple truths; she'll say, "there is only one truth, there's no such thing as YOUR truth." it's interesting because one of the most valuable messages that ive absorbed from therapy is just the opposite-- there are multiple truths based on the lens of ur own experience. like a dbt informed approach ig.
my partner and I are gonna bake bread tomorrow and im gonna play guitar on my bed and get drinks with a friend today. I'm excited about the turn of the season and creating new paths for myself. <3
