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Haller "Ed" Nutt Way
'The Delmar Divine' residential complex
Aurora Avenue in Seattle, WA
Thoughts about how in the fancy downtown neighborhood
So many people were disgusted and ashamed to be
Living, working, catching the bus
On "Aurora Avenue"
That they changed the name of that section to be called "Borealis" instead
Not even colloquial was enough
An official, city ordained distance
From drugs and whores
In the name alone, it's the same fucking street still, asshole
And it's not even the same part of town
And it isn't even true, that's obvious, doesn't matter
Why so scared of womanhood, hmmm?
Womanhood *is* whoredom
Don't waste my time acting like we don't already know this
I'm selling myself for safety
I'm making myself sexy for safety
I'm really good at fucking - for safety
Is anyone actually having sex that isn't in some way for at least one attendee's safety?
That question is rhetorical
Next stanza
Be nothing have nothing be nothing have nothing be nothing have nothing be nothing have nothing be nothing have nothing
Not like, "minimalism core! enlightened lifestyle :)"
But the way it is intended
The stripping, destroying force that is capitalism and god and whiteness and for fuck's sake I would, if I could succeed!
Be nothing
Have nothing
Like a good christian woman!
I keep writing about womanhood as I fail to escape it
It's my curse it's my curse it's my curse it's my curse it's my curse it's my curse
Just like every other station which I will never escape
It is like poverty or psychosis or my family's bad reputation in the small town that I was the first to leave
And yet, I carry it with me,
My mother's disease
Not the womanhood that's the disease I'm referring to,
But her evil, and yet,
The two seem inescapably linked
As so much of the harm she's caused upon her world was
For survival, was for her safety
To live, to live, to live
Is it evil to fight a curse?
One perhaps I deserve?
Be nothing, have nothing
Be a good woman
Hide my body, and fuck perfect, and stay quiet, and sane
Whatever,
I'm over writing for now
And for some time after this, too
You all know me too well,
And I want to have secrets!
I love all people, more yet those that I know
But often, less of a pleasant love
And more like loving your grandmother,
Troubled, full of pity and dread
And yet, you'd go out of your way, leave your home, lose the love of your life
To ensure that she's safe, and pleased, and okay
And I have secrets that even art can't safely reveal
So where can I be naked?
What place is my home?
Have nothing, be nothing
Have nothing, be nothing
Be nothing
Be nothing
Be nothing
Be nothing
n when i was brought to nothin
on my knees
god said keep loving
how can the same sky weep and shine?
god said keep lovin
indigo, sand, and grass
we will devour this flesh together
may the pain in love
come only from the seeping out
that occurs in the absolute peace
here and now
like how you work out the day's troubles
in a deep warm sleep
tucked safely in your mind and heart
and in this bed of yours,
maybe even mine,
god forbid even ours
indigo, sand, and grass
again to remind myself of the feeling
yellow moon over the mountains
indigo sky holding us all
is this a proper reply?
i'll maybe feel less mortified than you
i'll tell you after,
just remind me
sunset of blood and flesh
the nasty looking storm cloud
i know i'll be okay!
i love the rain, thank you!
cleanse me, cleanse me
more, fuck, god, yes
indigo, sand, and grass
when i shower it's because it feels good
i'll take my time
it feels good
nothing but dust and muck to be washed away
i'll shower when i'm sweaty
my hair sticky and skin smelling
it feels good to wash my body
plain and simple, nothing bad
indigo, sand, and grass
i'm loving you toward my best
eat your liver and it grows back cleaner
renewal of the flesh
been feeling like ashley from degrassi
degrassi the next generation, of course
feeling like Ashley Kerwin from degrassi
like the absolute worst fucking person here
feeling like i'll ruin my own life
but not out of active self destruction
just genuinely that stupid
take hard drugs
say everything wrong all of the time
cheat on my lonely, wealthy boyfriend who loves me and also grows up to literally be drake
well, i guess i've only actually done one of those things
ill let you guess
just kidding, we all know its the hard drugs
i only say everything wrong most of the time
and i've certainly never cheated on drake
remember when craig tried to jump in front of the train?
that episode was good but also never really mentioned again
sean was a pretty cool guy in that one
sean apologist
emma apologist
paige apologist?
hmm maybe
did anyone ever get the vibe that if they had an idea but didnt know who to do it to it just happened to paige?
like oh well shes not doing anything right now just give it to paige
it feels kinda true to life but bad to tv
like wtf is going on with her right now??
same
im just doing stuff
im just doing stuff
im just doing stuff
things are just happening!!!
anyone who knows me knows about the two demons i know
anyone who knows me knows about all the people living inside my head
passing strangers know the most about my past as i scream about it on the street when no one i love can hear
what's in ashley's head ?
if she were real that is
real life non-imaginary ashley kerwin
whats her deal?
why is she like that and what does she think about alone in bed at night?
which evil thing she's done keeps her up more nights than the others
what internal maladjustment is her personal justification for being a total cunt?
now that she's all grown up, hypothetical real life Ashley Kerwin
born in 1988 all grown up shes what like 36 now?
im bad at math
i digress
what's she up to now?
is she a better woman now than she was a girl?
did she grow to change and love and be gentle and be kind
im becoming a better woman than who i was when i was a girl, too, ashley
unfortunately for us we have to love her
the nasty vindictive little girl who hurt everyone around her for whatever reason
i say "whatever reason" because i can't know yours, hypothetical real life Ashley Kerwin,
only mine
i said once many years ago to a lover of mine that i hurt people on purpose so they know im a threat
no one can kill me if i've already killed them first
i've been putting down my knife sometimes nowadays
maybe it would be okay if someone i loved killed me anyways
blissful ignorance as a wild beast who i willingly trusted eats me alive
a martyr to nothing but myself
maybe if i met you, hypothetical real life Ashley Kerwin, we would even fall in love
knowing what its like to be an evil girl who became a secretly evil woman surrounded by years of mushy flesh, so that the only one penetrated by the evil girl inside is ourselves being ripped up
our soft goo that everyone else gets to float in and enjoy
torn up to near liquid in its center
like gelatin under toes
i hope everyone loves the soft mushy woman
the one surrounding the evil little girl
the soft mushy woman who i've grown to be
uptown girls was right
i am dakota fanning AND brittany murphy
im doing hard drugs
im saying everything wrong
im the soft woman
im the hard girl
and i love them
and i love them
and i love them
I was feeling anguish n then I talked it out w my two most special people n then I also layed in bed to think about it all for a while n I think I've once again grown some n blossomed a new flower n I think I am beginning to C clearly the difference between love n admiration & I couldn't be more overjoyed ! I know I love Eddie bcos I do not fear them, like there r maybe only 2 or 3 ppl in this world who I can truly say I do not fear to show myself to n That's the loving for real and I won't be tricking myself anymore into thinkin I'm lovin when I'm holdin fear bcos If I'm lovin truly lovin u then I will not fear u when u see me raw n fleshy , n not to say that I don't love my friends like that's a different kinda love u know there's all kindsa types but the true n the deep love the in love the real tru 2 tha core LOVE that's when I'm ripped n rubbed raw by life n I don't feel the need 2 turn away. I ain't gonna be tellin no lover I love them until I ain't scared of em no more n I don't fear they"ll leave me if I mis-step. Like that's what I mean by the fear, ya know n even with lovin my pals that's tru about them too but it's easier 2 b that way when my friends rnt so close inside my bubble ya know n if I'm letting u in my bubble AND I ain't scared u'll rip right out n tear me to shreds then I'm LOVIN u , I love growing I love growing I love growin I love changing, I love bein me. I'm thinking theres never been a more perfect time for me 2 let ppl in so let it b known world I'm human OK so I guess come on in bc u can't get in the vault without force and my family wouldn't let that happen I'm like a house not crumblin over or none I'm big n I'm strong n I'm full of love so let it b known I think I'm turning human and nothing will stop me train train train train train I'm a train n I'm rollin ok
(authors note: i like! totally made a lot of promises in this one to myself that i really let myself down on but i will forgive and try again every day!)