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The Lemon Eater (draft)

Today is the day during which we drink a lot of lemons. Most people don't find lemons directly tasty, at least most people that I know, but I find them delicious. I could eat lemons all day today, and probably tomorrow too. I need other nutrients in the long run, but just lemons will get me through a few days. They can't hurt.

My friends think I'm crazy for liking lemons so much. But guess what? They've never even tried eating as many lemons as I have. They don't know what it's like. They stand there all high and mighty judging me for my lemon consumption that they know absolutely nothing about. Fools. Good thing I have my lemons, otherwise I wouldn't have very many friends. Though I'm not sure if the lemons are friends either. Eating friends isn't normally considered normal in polite society, as far as I know at least, I haven't exactly participated in police society all that much. Lemons are what I really care about.

Yesterday I ate some extra lemons in preparation for this day. My mother noticed this and tried to stop me. I pretended to comply, but snuck off to the garden to eat the rest of mine when she wasn't looking. Lemons!

My uncle also likes lemons, though not nearly as much as I do. I've tried getting him into the lemonhood, but he says he has more important things to do than eat lemons all day, even though he likes eating them. He also says it's not healthy and I should give it up. So judgemental.

I have a best friend who I've convinced to eat lemons. I'm not sure if she actually likes them or not, but at least she eats them. Everyone should make lemons a part of their regular diet. I sure do. Have I told you that?

Lemons here. Lemons there. Lemons everywhere!

You might think I'm being totally ridiculous. It's true, I am. Go ahead and ridicule me. Anyone can be ridiculed for literally anything. Ohhh. So you like eating cake? You know that's unhealthy. Hahahahahahaha. There. I ridiculed you. Unless you are one of those poor souls who never eats cake *or* lemons. Poor you. I hope you join the fold someday. Life is just unlivable without eating lots of cake and lemons. Oh yeah, I like cake too. Lemon cake, if you hadn't guessed already.

An no, not that sweet stuff that gets rid of the good sour lemon taste. I mean real lemon cake. A cake made up by baking lemons and mixing them together with some other ingredients. It's wonderful! You should try it sometime. It's almost as good as raw lemons.

If it's not as good as raw lemons, why do I make it, you ask? I might as well just eat the lemons raw, you think. Well, that's true. I would greatly prefer never to have to make lemon cake, even though it does bring some diversity into my diet. Lemon cake is just not nearly as good as raw lemons. Well, some people won't eat raw lemons. So I tell them to eat some lemon cake. They might not like the cake, but at least I got them to eat some lemons at least once. Imagine if I hadn't done that. They might have gone through their whole lives without ever eating such a delicacy! That would have been horrible. We can't let that happen.

You might be saying I'm being intolerant of those who don't like lemons or had a bad experience with them in their childhood. Hahahahaha. That's true. Of course I'm being intolerant. But you know what's worse? Your intolerance of my belief that everyone has to eat lemons. That's the most important thing here. Right? Right? Just listen to me. It all makes sense if you consider it hard enough.

I like lemons. In fact, I love them. You should considering liking and loving them too, even if you don't at the moment. You'll grow to like them, and if you don't, just eat more. Try harder to like them. It's your fault if you don't like them after all. You're a fool. A bastard.

I might be able to forgive you if you have never heard of lemons. That's somewhat fair. But are you really searching for lemons? No? Well, that's your fault then. How do you search for something you know nothing about, you ask? Everyone knows deep in their heart that they want to eat lemons. It's their fault if they ignore that feeling and continue in their ignorance anyway. So eat lemons!

I've been talking about lemons a lot. I'm sure you noticed, but I like lemons. I like lemons so much that not talking about them would be painful for me. You don't want to cause me pain do you? I didn't think so. Also, you not eating them causes me pain, so please eat them yourself too. That's all I have to say.

Actually no! Also get your friends to eat lemons. Do it the same way I'm doing right now, but also use your own tactics that you know would work for them. They need to eat lemons too. I can't convince everyone in the world to eat them on my own. You have some responsbility here as well when you become a lemon-eater. Imagine how you would feel if you die and none of your friends never have eaten lemons. How will that make you feel? You have to make sure that doesn't happen. And also get them to make others eat lemons too, perpetually. That's how you spread the lemonhood after all.

LEMONS! Eat them. Eat them all day. Eat them all night. When you don't have a chance to eat them, think about them until you can. They are life. They are sleep. They are everything. Oh yes, regarding sleep, make sure to dream about them as well. If you have dreams about things other than lemons, eat more lemons to clear your mind from those. It's important.

EAT OF THE LEMON AND DRINK OF ITS JUICE!