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From: a.cadre1@genie.com
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 03:49:39 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 1/9
["Mystery Science Theater 3000", post AC-7, reel one.]
[Theme song]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Crow and Tom are hanging out by the desk next to a computer monitor.
Enter Mike.]
Mike: Well, I've got a computer hookup in the theater so Nine can take part
in the experiments with us!
Crow: Huh?
Tom: Hmm. Okay, either I'm smoking crack, or that sentence just doesn't
parse at all. I'm pretty sure it's one of those two.
Mike: Come on, you remember! You know, Nine? Beta-Nine? That computer
program Dr. F. put together to automate the experiments back in post AC-6?
Crow: Are you kidding me? That post went up in like the mid-70's!
Tom: Besides, you don't really expect us to follow continuity, do you? It'll
kill our chances for syndication!
Crow: Right! Each episode has to derive from a status quo independent of all
other episodes so that the affiliates can show them out of order!
Mike: Tough. Nine escaped to the SOL at the end of the last post, and she's
still here. Right now she's checking out some of the backlog and she'll be
zapping in any minute now. Why else do you think we have the monitor out?
Crow: I thought we were gonna play some Zoop.
Tom: Zoop! Zoop!
Mike: Zorry.
[Yellow light flashes]
Mike: We'll be right back.
Crow: Nice hat.
[Commercials]
[More commercials]
[Still more commercials]
[Back on the SOL. The computer monitor flickers and Nine zaps in. It
quickly becomes obvious that her appearance is based on that of Marrissa
Amber Flores Picard.]
Nine: Well, sure, in the sense that KIDS was based on "The ABC Afterschool
Special".
Crow: Uh, who're you talking to?
Nine: Forget it. So when do we get our experiment?
[Red light flashes]
Mike: Right now. Harmony Korine's calling. [pushes button]
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: Well, Nelson, you're in luck today. I've decided to give you a-- YOU!
[SOL]
Nine: Hey, Clay, what's up?
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: Traitorous wench!
[SOL]
Nine: Uh, sure. Thanks for sharing, Grignr.
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: Well, this changes everything! I =was= going to let you boys watch
that talking pig movie, but if you're keeping company with =her= you'll just
have to eat hot Ratliff! It's A ROYAL WEDDING, boobies! I hope you choke
on it.
[SOL]
Nine: Ratliff? Maybe I'll just stay out here.
Bots: Hey, no fair! We--
[Lights flash]
All: WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!
Nine: Yeah, I think I'll just hang with Gypsy for a while...
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
Crow: Wimp.
Tom: I dunno, Crow. When this is over I doubt =she'll= be the one who's
crying.
>A Royal Wedding
Tom: --starring Fred Astaire. 1951, I believe.
Crow: Gee, Tom, we're all real impressed.
>
>by Stephen Ratliff
>
>a sequel to Anne-Lise Paush's entry in the Marrissa Stories -
>Generations 2.
Crow: Oh my God! He's got groupies!
>
>Dedicated to
>
> my Grandmother, Ocie Ratliff
Tom: "Ocie"? Boy, Ratliff really =is= a Southerner!
>
> and
>
> The Guidance department of Cave Spring High School, Roanoke, VA
Mike: "Thanks for assigning me all that time in detention so I could write
these stories!"
> Especially,
>
> Ms. Toni Tillman, head of the department and
>
> Mrs. Biggs, the secretary.
>
>Prologue
Tom: Given Ratliff's writing skills, shouldn't that be "Amateurlogue"?
> Jay Gordon believed that Marrissa was dead. They had failed to
>retrieve her from the Nexus before it was consumed by a star. No one
>could survive the heat of a star or so he though.
Mike: Marrissa, of course, can stroll through a supernova and come out with
nothing more than a boss tan.
>Now it was his duty as Acting-Captain of the Endeavor in Marrissa's absence
>to in form everyone of her death. They had just recently returned from the
>Enterprise-E to the Endeavor. Jay however could not bring himself to
>the bridge where Marrissa once sat,
Crow: --at least not until they aired it out for a few days.
>Marrissa who he loved. So instead he made the necessary announcements form
Mike: --and filled it out with a #2 pencil.
>his quarters.
> "Commander Jay Gordon to all Starfleet Personnel. I regret to
>inform you that our Captain, Princess Marrissa Amber Picard, heir to
>Essex, has parished in the line of duty.
Tom: I guess that means she's =diocesed=, huh?
Mike & Crow: *groan*
>She was the finest example of a Starfleet officer and ship's Captain. She
>will be missed by all who knew her. Gordon out." He had tried so hard to
>keep his voice even but at the end the 'Gordon out' had came out in a sob.
>The door chimed. "Come," he sobbed.
Crow: "Are you... are you crying? There's no crying in Starfleet!"
> Clara Sutter entered the room, "Jay snap out of it," where the
>first words out of her mouth. "I came to remind you not to forget to
>inform Essex of Marrissa's demise, but I think you better wait until you
>get your emotions under control."
Mike: "It's only the death of your soulmate! Suck it up, man!"
> "I am under control," Jay replied, with a sob.
Tom: This guy makes Elizabeth Wurtzel look like a guard at Buckingham Palace!
> "Not according to that last announcement," Clara said. "Why
>don't you go see Counselor Sussex."
> "I can't go see Martin," Jay replied.
Crow: "I don't get Fox where I live!"
>"I can't go see him after letting his cousin down. He will blame me."
> "I'm Marrissa's cousin and I'm not blaming you," Clara replied.
>"Just go see him Jay."
>
> Meanwhile on Earth, millions of years ago,
Tom: Ratliff seems to hold the geologist's perspective on "meanwhile."
Mike: Yeah. It's like, "Today Bob Dole wrapped up the Republican nomination.
Meanwhile, dinosaurs roamed the earth."
Crow: I don't see any contradiction there.
>Marrissa was sitting back against a rock
Nine [zapping in]: She doesn't look =that= much like me!
Mike: No, she's... older...
Crow: But not that much older...
Tom: You figure seventeen, maybe? Eighteen?
>thinking of how the previous mission had gone. As far as she new the rest
>of the crew had succeeded and the Nexus was gone. Then suddenly Q appeared.
Nine: How convenient!
Mike: Oh, this is a well-foreshadowed plot development compared to Ratliff's
usual. Stick around, you'll see.
Nine: Sure, okay. I don't have any particular drive to go listen to more
fabulous facts about Richard Basehart.
>"Nice of you to stop by Q," Marrissa said. "Would you mind giving me a
>lift back to the Endeavor?"
Tom [Q]: "No! I don't go to Queens!"
> "Oh I will after we have another of our chats," Q replied.
Nine [Marrissa]: "Fine, fine. *sigh* Okay, I'm wearing a Starfleet uniform,
but it's oh so hot in here, and I think I'll just take it off, and--"
>"I've been watching your crew. They think you are dead."
> "Well then Q I think I can give you a little of that
>entertainment you enjoy so much," Marrissa grinned.
> "You really think you can come up with something to entertain
>me," Q replied.
Mike [Marrissa]: "Well, that talking pig movie is out on video now and I've
got a Blockbuster card..."
> "Haven't I done just that before?" Marrissa said.
> "True, but never deliberately," Q responded.
Crow [Marrissa]: "Shut up! I =meant= to slip on that banana peel!"
> "Well then consider this phrase, 'the rumors of my death have
>been greatly exaggerated,'" Marrissa offered.
> "I see what you mean," Q laughed.
Mike: "Ha ha ha! The fact that you consider that timeworn cliche a fresh
and witty retort amuses me to no end!"
>"Where do you want to start?"
> "My ready room when Jay walks in I want to be standing beside the
>door," Marrissa replied. "Then I think ..."
>
>Chapter One
Crow: That was the =prologue=??
Tom: This is gonna be a looooong experiment, guys.
>
> After a visit to the Ship's Counselor, Martin Sussex, Jay had
>decided it would be a good idea to visit the bridge and the ready room
>which was now his.
Crow: For some reason he thought it'd be an even better idea to put on a Bob
Seger record and take off his pants first.
> As he entered the bridge, Alexander, who Marrissa had left in
>command when she left on that last mission, spoke up, "I was wondering
>when you would return to the bridge."
Tom: "While you were gone I bid three spades."
> "And you keep command for the past three to four shifts, just so
>you could see me," Jay replied.
Mike [Alexander]: "Has it been that long? Man, time flies when you're
bombarding nearby planets with photon torpedoes."
>"Haven't I told you not to do that?"
> "Five shifts, and no you haven't, Marrissa has," Alexander
>replied.
> "That's right on my recommendations,
Tom: Oh, I'm sure! And I suppose the cotton gin was your idea too?
>but you will have to serve another shift," Jay replied. "If you chose to
>stay up that long I'm making sure you are very tried when you get off duty
>even If I have to chase you around the ship, is that clear Lieutenant?"
> "Aye sir."
Crow [Alexander]: "But isn't it Ensign Benny Hill's job to chase people
around the ship?"
> "I'll be in the Ready Room if you need me, and when this shift
>is over we are doing laps around deck 9," Jay said, entering the ready
>room.
Mike: Maybe I'm just being dense, but... WHAT DOES RUNNING LAPS HAVE TO DO
WITH ANYTHING??
>
> As the ready room door opened, Marrissa barely suppressed a
>giggle. Jay entered the room and moved around her desk. As he began to
>sit down in her chair she said. "To quote my father, 'I believe you are
>sitting in my chair.'"
Tom: Some aphorisms are so chock full of wisdom they apply in nearly any
situation!
> Jay looked up, startled. "Marrissa?" he said.
> "Yes, who else would it be?" she replied.
Crow: "Well, sometimes Clara comes in here and does doughnuts on your swivel
chair..."
> "But how?" Jay asked.
Mike: "To find out how Encyclopedia Brown solved The Case of the Missing
Marrissa, turn to page 74!"
> "Well when I realized that you had failed to lock on to me,"
>Marrissa said. "I searched for away out. I remembered my father had
>gotten out with by wanting to go to a specific place. So since I
>couldn't decide on a place I just though I want to go Home. I ended up
Tom: "--sliding into the plate at Fenway!"
>on earth about millions of years ago. Then Q stopped by and gave me a
>lift."
> Jay just stood there.
Crow: Ah, Ratliff's been taking writing lessons from Neal Mentech!
>Then suddenly he walked around the desk and kneeled before Marrissa, "I
>love you, Marrissa. Will you marry me?"
> "Yes, I will Jay, remind me to suggest faking a death to Clara,"
>Marrissa replied.
Nine: "After all, once she's married she'll need to have her faking skills in
top form!"
> "Why," Jay asked standing up.
Mike: Wouldn't a more appropriate question be, "How come you're acting like
my marriage proposal was no more important than if I'd offered you a piece
of toast?"
> "She has been working on getting Alex to marry her as long as I
>have been with you," Marrissa replied, then with a glimmer in her eyes
>continued.
Tom: "Machiavellian scheming makes me feel all warm and fuzzy!"
>"Personally I think your proposal is a result of relief that you won't have
>to take command permanently."
> "It most certain ..." Jay began, then noticing Marrissa's grin
>he stopped.
Crow: "Um, look, once we're married you =will= start brushing your teeth,
right?"
>"You would think that after ten years I wouldn't fall for it." he shook his
>head.
> "You've got the rest of my life to try, but don't think your
>going to succeed," Marrissa said. "Now if you don't mind, Q!"
> Q appeared.
Tom [Q]: "See that camera over there, Jay? You're on Totally Hidden Video!"
>"I see what you mean by entertaining," he said.
Mike: "It's nothing close to what =I= would consider entertaining, but now I
see how =you= define the term. Sad, really."
> "Thanks for rescuing Marrissa," Jay said.
> "It was my pleasure as you can see," Q replied. "Who do you
>want to surprise next?"
Crow: Q seems to have lurched into full-on slumber-party mode!
> "How about Doctor Johnson," Marrissa responded. "He should be
>getting around to filling out my death certificate about now."
> "He does hate to do that doesn't he," Jay commented.
Mike: On the other hand, the rest of us put Marrissa's name on death
certificates over and over again just to relieve stress.
> "Yes he does," Marrissa replied. "Oh and Jay when you go back
>to the bridge don't tell Alex. Instead make him take his laps around
>Engineering. I think it would be more entertaining if he and Clara
>found out about my return around the same time."
Tom: If only =Ratliff= spent this much time trying to be entertaining!
Mike: Unfortunately, he =does= have the same amount of success.
> "Aye sir. Plus you can't keep a secret from one of them if you
>tell the other."
> "Now go sit in that chair you've been avoiding for the last two
>days," Marrissa ordered her fiancee.
Crow: She's got a =fiancee= too? Wow, she really =is= a swinger!
>"Q, Doctor Johnson's Office if you will."
>
> Marrissa appeared next to the Doctor's terminal. She turned it
>to discover that it was
Nine: --the STD test results for the entire crew. She quickly filed it away
in her account with the diary records she'd found the week before.
>a reminder from Clara to fill out her death certificate.
Mike: Oddly, it was dated long before the "mishap" with the Nexus...
>As soon as she finished reading it Doctor Jackson Johnson entered his
>office. "Ah, Doctor, I believe you won't be needing this reminder,"
>Marrissa said.
> "Captain?" was the Doctor's puzzled reply.
Tom: No, Tennille. Close, though.
> "Let's see, I believe you will want a full exam before you will
>believe that it is really me," Marrissa replied. "Fair enough, I'm
>overdue for a physical anyway."
Nine: "A pelvic exam would really hit the spot right about now!"
> Recovering from his shock, the Doctor said, "All right, right
>this way. You certainly sound like Captain Picard, although the Picard
>family is known to try avoiding physicals by all the Doctors in the
>Federation."
Mike: Yet strangely, they welcome physicals by the plumbers!
> "I admit, I've just accepted a marriage proposal and Q is on
>board but, other than that, why should I sound different?" Marrissa
>asked.
Crow: "The trials and tribulations of you mortals don't affect me in the
least!"
> "I have no idea," Doctor Johnson said. "Perhaps because you were
>reported dead."
> "I'll have to talk to Captain Riker about that," Marrissa replied.
>"I really wish he'd be more careful about calling people dead."
Tom: Well, it's too late to change the paperwork. If it's incorrect we'll
just have to =make= it accurate...
>
> After finishing her physical, Marrissa, called for Q to transport
>her to Jeffrey's tube 21 next to Main Engineering. The nice thing about
>Jeffrey's tube 21, as Marrissa had discovered when she took command of the
>Endeavor was that inside it you could hear all the conversation thoughout
>Engineering. Marrissa was about too take advantage of that now.
Crow: Jeez! Big Sister is watching you.
>"Alexander Rozhenko, I see you finally left the bridge, and Jay, you just
>got to it," Clara's voice said. "What did I tell you about running though
>Engineering?"
Mike: "And even worse, you're carrying =scissors=!
> "That you would make sure that the Captain would make life
>miserable for both of us," was Jay's reply.
> "And since, Jay is now Acting-Captain, that threat just became
>empty," Alexander said.
Tom: The glee is mutual, buddy.
> Perfect, Marrissa thought, I couldn't have a better cue if I
>scripted it myself.
Crow: Considering how you've got the author wrapped around your finger, you
sorta =did= script it yourself...
>Marrissa got out of the Jeffrey's tube and entered Main Engineering on the
>Endeavor. "What's that about an empty threat?" she asked.
> "Marrissa! I thought you where dead," Clara said loudly.
> "You should have known better," Marrissa replied.
Mike [Marrissa]: "Silly! =I= can't die!"
>"I'm not about to let you get any closer to the throne. As I promised, your
>Engineering career is safe. Alex, you seem speechless."
> The Klingon replied, "To tell the truth I'm wonder where you
>came from."
Crow: "Well, my mommy and daddy loved each other very much and then one
day--"
> "Jeffrey's tube 24," Marrissa replied.
Mike: Well, I guess that's more polite than most of the slang I know for that
part of the anatomy...
> "No ..."
> "... Before that," Marrissa completed.
> Then Q appeared leaning on the Warp Core and standing on the rail
>surrounding it. "Your were right, Captain, this is entertaining," he said.
Nine: I take it this Q fellow is the type who gets hours of amusement out of
the placemats at Burger King.
> "That explains it," Alexander said. "Q isn't going to let
>anyone harm his favorite source of entertainment."
Tom: Too bad he isn't a MSTie. We could've used him.
> "The Picard family has provided me with much amusement in the last
>couple decades," Q commented. "It would be a shame to lose any of them.
>Even though Jean-Luc has been such a bore since he became
Mike: "--a Ratliff character."
>Fleet Admiral."
> "Q, if you don't mind, I'd like you to get off my warp engines,"
>Clara said. "As for Marrissa here. If you ever make me thing you are
>dead again ..."
> "You know I can't promise you that, Clara," Marrissa said.
Nine: And she certainly can't promise Jay that.
>"We've got one more stop before I make my 'rumors' announcement.
Crow: You should've gone before we left!
>Who wants to join my surprise on Ross Lochard?"
> "I can't wait to see this," Clara said.
> "I agree, Ross has suffered though so much of our teasing it's a
>wonder he came abroad," Jay added.
> "I certainly want to see what you have up your sleeve for Ross,"
>Alexander commented.
Nine: "And then afterwards we can all play a big game of MASH!"
> "Well then Q, have Captain Riker call for the Commanding Officer
>of the Endeavor, and make sure that he asks for it exactly that way,"
>Marrissa ordered.
> "I've been meaning to call on Riker for quite some time," Q
>replied before disappearing.
Mike: Well, sure, he's only been waving his hand around for the last half
hour.
Crow: "Ooh! Ooh! Me, Mistah Kottah, me!"
> "Well, Princess and Gentlemen, I think we are about to be needed
>on the bridge," Marrissa said. "I wish you hadn't made that announcement,
>Jay. I'm getting tried of those shocked expressions on my crew's faces."
Tom: She keeps =saying= they're shocked, but in scene after scene when people
learn of Marrissa's survival they seem at most mildly nonplussed.
> "I didn't know you where alive," Jay replied. "So don't blame
>me for your ride running late."
>
[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 2]
From: a.cadre1@genie.com
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 03:49:44 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 2/9
[Continued from Part 1]
>Chapter Two
Mike: One down, fifteen to g-- oh, God.
>
> Captain William T. Riker was on the Bridge of the USS
>Enterprise-E when Q arrived. "Ah my dear Captain Riker, it has been
>awhile since I've seen you," Q announced.
> "Personally Q, I prefer it that way," Riker replied.
> "I'm sorry to hear that Captain," Q responded.
Crow: Which one? Captain Alanis Morissette? Yeah, I know how you feel.
>"I happened to be in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd visit your ship. I
>was curious how you were holding up. I see you've gone though another first
>officer.
Nine: "You know, most captains just use cabin boys."
>A pity, Commander LaForge was so amusing. Oh well, I'll just have to dust
>off my book of Worf jokes."
> "If you don't mind, Q," Riker responded. "I'm not in the mood
>for jokes."
Mike [Riker]: "I'm in the mood for love."
> "Oh yes, the fleet's finest Captain, present company not excepted,
>is presumed dead as a result of the Nexus's destruction by a collision with
>a star," Q commented. "I can see how that would depress you."
> "Why are you here, Q?" Riker asked.
Tom: "Hm? Oh, I'm Ross Perot's running mate."
> "Just to get you to contact the Commanding Officer of the
>Endeavor," Q replied. "That person asked me to have you do it making
>sure you don't reference names."
Nine: "Here, stand on this big X and close your eyes. Now don't move."
> "Q, why would Jay ask me do to that?" Riker asked.
> "You are so dense, Riker," Q responded. "If I were to tell you
>that, I'd ruin the surprise, and I don't want to do that."
> "All right Q, I'll do it," Riker said.
Crow [Q]: "And after that, how about a game of 52 Pick-Up?"
Tom [Riker]: "Sure!"
>"Open a channel to the Endeavor."
> "Channel Open," the tactical officer responded.
Mike: Hunh. That must be how VH-1 manages to knock Comedy Central off the
air.
> "On screen," Riker ordered. A view of the bridge of the
>Endeavor appeared on the view screen. Lieutenant Commander Ross Lochard
>was sitting in the command chair.
Tom: --setting a course for "full recline."
>"Lieutenant, I need to speak with you commanding officer."
> "All right, I'll send for him," Lochard replied. He tapped his
>communicator. "Commander Jay Gordon report to the Bridge. You have an
>incoming communication."
> At that the aft turbolift doors opened. "Wrong Officer, Ross,"
>came Marrissa's stern tone as she entered her bridge.
Nine: "This is my bridge! There are many like it but this one is =mine=!"
> "Captain?" was Lieutenant Commander Lochard's response.
>"Marrissa?" was Captain William T. Riker's.
> "The rumors of my death, were greatly exaggerated," Marrissa
>responded
Tom: --quoting the famous author of A CONNECTICUT YANKEE, IN KING ARTHUR'S
COURT and LIFE ON, THE MISSISSIPPI.
>as Jay, Clara, and Alexander followed her on to the bridge.
> "I can see that, but how?" Riker replied.
Crow: "Didn't you read the character profiles? You're not the blind one.
=LeVar's= the blind one. You're just the burly one."
> "Q didn't want to lose his favorite sparing partner so soon,"
>Jay responded.
> "Actually, I found her on Earth around a million years ago," Q
>said. "Not good place for a Starship Captain,
Tom: --unless he's from Golgafrincham.
>much less a Princess."
> "I'll certainly agree with that," Marrissa said. "By the way,
>have any of you contacted, my father, Starfleet or Essex with news of my
>'death'."
> "Only place I've noted it is in my log," Riker responded.
Crow [Riker]: "Din't think it wuz that important!"
> "Same here," Jay chimed in. "With the notable exception of
>announcing it to the crew."
> "Well I'll be contacting all of them anyway," Marrissa said.
>"Captain Riker, you better correct your log."
Nine: Funny, that's what Deanna used to say.
> "I'll get right to it," Riker returned. "Incidentally, why are
>you contacting all of those places."
> "I'm marrying Jay here," Marrissa responded. "I have to arrange
>for a Royal Wedding. It will probably be in about a month. I'll make
>sure the Enterprise is ordered to attend."
Mike: After all, no one would come of their own free will.
> "Congratulations, Marrissa, Jay," Riker said. "But I don't see
>how you are going to get the Enterprise to Essex."
Crow: This is Marrissa we're talking about! If worse comes to worst she'll
just bring the planet over to the ship.
> "Simple, as soon as I tell Dad," Marrissa said. "He will want
>to be there so he will call for the Enterprise, so he can arrive in the
>only starship he has been on for any prolonged length of time in the
>last dozen years."
Mike: Yes, I hear lately he's been much more into his riding mower.
> "Actually the only starship willing to beam him out of his
>office, without alerting his aids on his order," Riker said.
> "So that's how you get him to come aboard your starship, Captain
>Riker," Marrissa said.
Tom [Riker]: "Well, there's also the incentive of my enormous archive of
hardcore pornography!"
>"Well I have quite a bit of communication to start so I better sign off,
>Endeavor out."
> "Well, I don't think I'll find any more entertainment here for
>awhile,
Crow: *sigh* Neither do we, neither do we...
>so I'll be dropping it on Starfleet Headquarters," Q said. "See you soon,
>Riker."
> "I hope not."
>
> Marrissa returned to her ready room. Looking at the painting
>over her sofa named 'A Early Mission', she briefly thought of that first
>mission in the forests of DOAllen. She remembered how Jay and Alex had
>piloted that shuttle to such a smooth landing that even Data was surprised.
Mike: And she remembered the ludricrous plotline, the tepid characterization,
the abysmal spelling...
>Shaking her self out of that reminiscing, she had had enough of that in the
>last week, she sat down and opened a channel to Starfleet Headquarters,
>office of the Commanding Admiral.
> Her father's secretary, Lieutenant Sirek, answered, "Office of
>the Commanding Admiral, Starfleet, how may I help you."
Tom: "If you know the name of the officer you want to see, press 1. If--"
> "Is my father in, Sirek?" Marrissa asked.
> "He is presently in a meeting with Captain Beverly Picard,"
>Sirek replied.
> "You mean he is having breakfast with his wife," Marrissa
>restated. "Tell him that
Crow: "--the FDA has upgraded the recommended weekly allowance of eggs from
three to four!"
>Marrissa has news he and the Doctor would like to know."
> The image paused for a moment, then Lieutenant Sirek said,
>"Transferring communication now."
Nine: Uh-oh. I sense a primal scene coming on.
> The image changed to a modest office behind the desk sat Fleet
>Admiral Jean-Luc Picard.
Mike: "...sixty frigging years in Starfleet and they don't even give me an
office with a frigging window and now they stick my desk right under the
air conditioning vent so I have to wear a parka in August and--"
>To his right with her arm on one side of the desk sat Captain Beverly
>Picard, C.O. of the Pasteur. "Good Morning Marrissa, Sirek said, you had
>something we'd like to know," Admiral Picard said.
Crow [Marrissa]: "I sure do! An' I'm not gonna tell! Nanny-nanny-boo-boo!"
> "Yes I do, Jay finally proposed," Marrissa said. "We will be
>getting married as soon as I can arrange it with Essex."
> "Congraduations Marrissa," Doctor Picard said.
Tom: Huh? I thought she graduated a long time ago!
>"So how did you get him to propose. And I want details."
> "Beverly," Admiral Picard admonished.
> "Jean-Luc Picard, can't a girl have any fun," the Doctor returned.
Nine: Yes, but Marrissa's drafting legislation against it.
> "Okay I'll give you some of the details," Marrissa said, before
>her adopted father could begin his let them live their own lives speech.
>"On the last mission, I got caught in the nexus. Just before it was
>destroyed, it released me on to Earth as it was millions of years ago.
>Then Q stopped by and offered a ride. Since Jay thought I was dead, he
>was acting as Captain and I surprised him. He had apparently been
>thinking about lost opportunities so he proposed to me. Not wanting him
>to get away, I accepted."
Tom: Ratliff's writing Cliffs Notes for his own stories now!
> "How long have you been pursuing Jay," Beverly Picard asked.
> "About six to seven years," Marrissa replied.
> "Let me get this straight, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard said.
>"You've been after Jay Gordon to marry you since you were fifteen."
> "Something wrong with that Dad," Marrissa replied.
Mike: You mean aside from the fact that a fifteen-year-old has about as much
ability to make major life decisions as a chimpanzee has of running an air
traffic control tower?
> "I better put a reminder in my logs for next year to start looking
>closely at Jackie's dates," her father replied. "Although I approve of your
>choice I'm not yet sure about Jackie's judgment."
> "She's only eleven years old, Jean-Luc," Beverly said. "Give her
>time."
Nine: Yeah, she won't be ready to get hitched till she's at least eleven and
a half.
> "What did she do now?" Marrissa asked.
> "She took a shuttlecraft on a trip to Neptune," Jean-Luc said.
Crow: Cool! Did she see Michael Jackson's summer estate?
>"Without permission."
> "Let me guess, she wanted to see the site of one of my battles,"
>Marrissa said.
Mike: Well, of course. Everyone's life revolves around Marrissa and the
glorious path she's cut through life. People line up to pay homage to
restrooms Marrissa has visited.
>"My offer to give you a vacation from her antics, still stands."
> "Jean-Luc that might be just want Jackie needs," Beverly said.
Nine [Jean-Luc]: "No, whut that girl needs is a good whuppin'! That's th'
way mah pappy raised me an' Ah turned out just fine, thank yuh very much!"
>"You have to admit that she couldn't have pulled that shuttle stunt on a
>starship."
> "I may take you up on that offer after your wedding," Jean-Luc
>Picard said. "After all, she can't cause anymore trouble on a starship."
Crow: That's what your wife just said! What, are you Ronald Reagan all of a
sudden?
> Suddenly an line of text appeared on the screen. It read, "I
>wouldn't be so sure. Congraduations Marrissa. Love, Jackie."
Tom: I see Beverly's been in charge of Jackie's spelling lessons.
> "Admiral Picard to Lieutenant Sirek, she's done it again," her
>father said. He shook his head. "I don't know what to do with her. At
>least little Nickolas isn't as rambunctious."
Nine: Of course not. They've got him downing his body weight in Ritalin
every day.
> "I still think Nickolas needs to be a little more out going,"
>Beverly said. "I use to think Wesley was shy when he was little but
>it's nothing when compared to Nickolas."
Mike: "Why, just last week I found him hiding in the silverware drawer!"
> "Sounds like both of you need a vacation away from your children,"
>Marrissa stated. "Well you know were the Endeavor is if you need a
>baby-sitter.
Tom [Marrissa]: "Just... don't tell Kelsey Grammer, okay?"
Crow: Ouch!
>I'll transmit the date of the wedding when I get though talking to Essex.
>Endeavor out."
>
> Next Marrissa opened a ship-wide broadcast. "Captain Marrissa
>Picard to all personnel. Rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Nine: "I mean, I was dead for three days, but now I am risen. You may touch
of my hand if you wish."
>There will be a ship-wide battle drill at 0900 hours tomorrow. All
>members of the Royal Family of Essex, please report to my Ready Room.
Tom [tinny]: "All members of our Business Advantage Club (tm) may of course
board at their leisure."
>Captain Picard out."
> Clara quickly arrived from the bridge, followed by Counselor
>Martin Sussex.
Mike: Ah, yes, the ol' two-person conga line.
>"Nice announcement Marrissa," Martin said. "Tell me have you been reading
>about Mark Twain lately?"
> "I haven't read Clemens in over five years," Marrissa replied,
>with a smile.
> "Marrissa, you never change," Martin replied.
Tom: Yup, always desperately flailing at any opportunity to show off and
reinforce the superiority complex around which her entire psyche is based...
> "That depends on what you call change," Marrissa said. "Clara
>knows all ready but I thought you might want to know before the rest of
>the ship as well.
Crow: "You mean that you're getting married? Yeah, saw that written above
the third urinal over at the Deck Eight men's room!"
>I'm marrying Jay, as soon as I can arrange the wedding with Essex."
> "Not surprising, I've been expecting it since I signed on
>board," Lieutenant Sussex replied.
> "Then how come it took me so long to get Jay to propose to me,"
>Marrissa asked.
Mike: Maybe because for all the years you've known him, it's only been in
the last couple of months that's he's started shaving?
> "I thought it would happen at one of three possible times,"
>Martin said. "One, when you were injured during an away mission.
Tom: The injury motif in K/S fiction! Joe Sartelle and Kathy Moran wrote
about that.
>Two, when Jay suffered the same fate.
Mike: "--after you beat the crap out of him."
>Or Three, when both of you retired."
Tom: Which in Ratliff's world happens around age 19.
> "If you weren't Ship's Counselor, Martin," Marrissa said.
Nine: "Normally I'd just have you 'disappeared' and be done with it. But you
hold a high-profile position. A position of trust. I'll have to send you
to the camp to be 're-educated.'"
> "I know, I'd be in big trouble," Martin replied. "There are
>quite a bit of benefits to this position.
Mike: Too bad diction lesson aren't among them.
>Thanks for pointing me down the road."
> "Sometimes I think I worked too hard to get the crew I wanted,"
>Marrissa said. "Tell me Martin, how is Clara going to succeed with
>Alex?"
Crow: "Umm... 'Answer hazy -- ask again.' Damn!"
> "Oh, she'll either be in Sickbay or Alexander will propose by
>the end of the day," Martin said.
> "And what makes you think that?" Clara asked.
Tom: "Well, he's thinking of marrying her, but she just ate a bunch of
British beef for breakfast."
> "All that time you've been spending reprogramming Alexander's
>consoles in his quarters to show only love poetry," Martin replied.
> "Clarrissa Ann Sutter," Marrissa began. "I didn't think you had
>enough guile to do something like that.
Nine: "It's a shame, really. Now I'll have to have you rubbed out before you
can pose a threat to my absolute rule."
>If Alexander complains, you do realize that I will have to reprimand you?
Crow [Jay]: "Oh! Oh! Reprimand me first, Marrissa!"
Tom: "Then me!"
Mike: "And then me!"
Crow: "Yes! We must all have a good reprimand! And then--"
>Of coarse, if I don't hear from him, I didn't hear it here."
> "Sure Marrissa, but I don't have the same option you had to get
>my boyfriend to propose," Clara said.
Nine: Yeah, you don't have the author setting up impossible plot contrivances
for you. A shame, really.
> "I think I will be delaying my talk with Victoria," Marrissa
>reasoned. "I have a feeling that this is going to end up as a double
>wedding."
Tom: I know Ratliff's into his twenties by now, but don't you get the sense
that he just now realized that girls are kind of soft and pretty and stuff?
>
>Chapter Three
>
> Lieutenant Alexander Rozhenko had just gotten off bridge duty
>and was on his way to his quarters. "Computer are their any ship-board
>messages?" he asked entering his quarters.
> "One from Lieutenant Commander Sutter," the Computer replied.
> "Play."
Crow [computer]: "Okay! Whee! Ha ha! It's fun!"
> "Alex, when you get tired of the poetry contact me, Clara." the
>recorded message said.
Mike: As opposed to "me, Al Franken"?
> "I wonder what she means by that?" Alex wondered aloud. "Computer
>display duty schedule for my department for the next month." Instead of the
>schedule however a piece of Klingon love poetry was displayed.
Tom: "Shall I compare thee to a bloodied truncheon?"
> "Computer identify poem," Alexander asked.
> "I Lust for Thee by Kor," the Computer replied.
Crow: Isn't that the new MTV Buzz Clip?
> "Explain why this terminal is not displaying the duty schedule,"
>Alexander asked.
Mike: Oh, those computers haven't been right since they tried to install
Windows 95.
> "The terminal currently displaying the duty schedule for your
>department per your instructions."
> Alexander then went over to the replicator and ordered "Klingon
>warnog, hot."
Nine: I thought the whole point of this scene was that =Clara= wanted a
little hot Klingon warnog.
>The mug which materialized had yet another poem on it's side.
> "Computer access private ambassadorial message channel and play
>all messages,"
Mike: I'll never understand modern poetry.
>Alexander said relaxing on his sofa. If Clara was going to give him a
>selection of poems which she liked Alex was willing to use them later.
Crow: He'd tried writing his own, but the "There once was a Ferengi from
Nantucket" series hadn't gone over that well.
Mike: On the other hand, it was way better than Drake Raft's stuff.
>He had already come to the conclusion that she was after him to marry her
>about two years earlier.
Tom: Oh, you mean back when they were fetuses.
> "First Message from Commander Worf, First Officer USS Enterprise,"
>the Computer said. Then the message began "Hello Alexander, sorry that I
>missed your off duty time, or are you doing another of those I'll spend two
>days on the bridge to prove I'm Klingon again.
Mike: Yeah, Ratliff has Worf's speech patterns just about dead-on.
>You really should stop, humans prefer not to smell Klingon body odor.
Nine: Hey, Ratliff just may have a future writing gags for Jim Carrey movies!
>I just called to remind you that your Uncle Kern's birthday is
>next month and he has gotten use to the human custom of
Tom: "--having you pull his finger, so please just humor him."
>birthday presents so you better send him one. Worf out."
> "Second Message from Lieutenant Commander Sutter, Chief Engineer
>USS Endeavor," the Computer announced. Then Clara's message began,
>"Aren't you glad I didn't chose the Klingon way? Batting away all that
>stuff can cause one to visit Sickbay."
Nine: Is that some obscure Trek reference or is Ratliff just being incoherent
again?
Mike: Probably a little of both.
> "Computer send the following poem to Lieutenant Commander Clara
>Sutter, priority one," Alexander said. "To the Virgins, To Make Much of
>Time by Robert Herrick.
Crow: Ah, yes, from the author of "Upon the Nipples of Julia's Breast".
Mike: Crow...
Crow: It's true! Look it up!
>Tag message as anonymous."
> "New message from Lieutenant Commander Sutter," the Computer
>announced. "It reads 'I assume this is a proposal, Clara.'"
Mike: Why would she propose to herself?
Tom: I've heard of people talking to themselves before, but sending yourself
e-mail?
Mike: I don't know. That "No letters waiting." message can be awfully
depressing.
> "Send back, what else could it be," Alexander said. Moments
>later his door opened. "So much for locked doors."
> "If you had a locking mechanism which wouldn't yeild to a
>phaser," Clara said. "It seems no one has made one.
Nine [Clara]: "That's how I broke into David Letterman's house!"
>I'll have to rectify that, my love."
Mike: Hey, let's not get too expicit here.
> "Clara, I think were are going to have quite a time tonight,"
>Alexander said, drawing her close.
Crow: "Yeah! Conan O'Brien has Tony Randall on tonight!"
> "You don't know the half of it," Clara responded, ending the
>sentence with a kiss. Not just any kiss however, this one was a long
>passionate one.
Tom: Yecch! It's like the opening scene from KIDS!
> "I wonder what Essex thinks about you marrying a Klingon," Alex
>said when the kiss was over.
> "Some of them probably are thanking the Lord that Marrissa is
>first in line," Clara said.
Nine: Yes, much better a power-mad, ego-tripping tyrant than someone who'd
dare marry outside her race.
>"As for what I think of their opinion. Well I don't care about them. My
>interests right now are in order, you, that bed of yours and weather I'll
>be late arriving at Engineering, tomorrow."
> "The answer to that last question is yes," Alexander responded.
Mike: I feel like I'm watching an East German stag flick.
>
> Meanwhile Marrissa had received a message from Clara as per
>arrangement, "The Klingon has been caught." So she was readying
>herself to call Queen Victoria of Essex.
Nine: "Okay, deep breaths... I'm in my happy place..."
>"Computer, open a channel to the Planet Essex and her majesty Queen
>Victoria. Indicate that her heir wishes to discuss a matter of personal
>importance."
Crow: "Yeah! All this spray you're pumping into me's depleting the ozone
layer! Have you considered styling gel?"
Tom: Her =heir=, Crow. =Heir=.
Crow: Oh. Never mind.
> Queen Victoria the First of Essex appeared on the view screen in
>Marrissa's quarters. "Marrissa, what brings you to call me?" she asked.
Mike: "I thought I told you never to call me here! Don't you know where I
am?"
> "Sorry to interrupt your supper, Victoria," Marrissa said. "But
>I had to inform you of some good news."
> "How did you know I was eating supper?" the Queen asked.
> "The bit of apple sauce on your chin gave it away," Marrissa
>replied.
Tom: Imagine what kind of table manners she'd have if she =hadn't= spent
fifteen years in finishing school!
> The Queen wiped off the sauce and asked, "Now what is this good
>news."
> "Jay finally proposed," Marrissa said.
> "That is good news,
Crow [droning]: "It is good that Marrissa made that happen. What a good
girl Marrissa is."
>now if I could only get William to do so," Victoria mused.
> "It gets better," Marrissa said. "Clara has also accepted
>Alexander's proposal."
> "So that explains that little piece of legislation you had
>William push though Parliament," the Queen said.
Mike: So =she's= the one that tried to get the assault weapons ban repealed!
>"So Clara could marry a Klingon, boy those children aren't going to be
>typical royals."
Nine: You mean they won't be inbred hemophiliacs who boff soccer teams and
compare themselves to tampons?
> "Since when has Essex had a typical royal family?" Marrissa
>questioned.
> "It's been awhile," the Queen replied.
Mike: "Let's see, we haven't married outside the family in... five
generations? six? Yeah, once those toothless albinos started showing up
things got distinctly wacky."
>"Lets see, I'm trying to get my Prime Minister to marry me. You're a
>starship Captain. Prince Daniel was one of his daughter's assistant
>engineers. Princess Clarrissa is a Chief Engineer on a Starship. Earl
>Flores, Martin Sussex is your Ship's Counselor. His mother runs a bar.
>I can't find any normal royalty in my family."
Tom: I'd say the boozehound mother sounds like typical royalty to me.
> "Then I guess it's been about ten years since Essex has had a
>normal royal family," Marrissa replied. "When can we arrange for a
>double wedding on Essex."
> "I think that I can have everything arranged in about three
>weeks so lets make it a month to provide a margin of error,"
Mike: The margins are about the only things in this story that =don't= have
errors.
>Victoria said. "And when you arrive, could you help me kick the Prime
>Minister
Crow: Yeah!
>into action?"
Crow: Oh.
> "It would be my pleasure," Marrissa said. "Transmit the time
>and date to my father so he can arrange his escape, use code Mozart
>Symphony number 23."
Mike: "You have to hum it. Don't forget those obbligati!"
> "I'll be needing a guest list and a list of bridesmaids,"
>Victoria said.
> "Just send me a request for any information you need and I'll
>get back to you ASAP," Marrissa said.
> "Congraduations Marrissa,
Tom [Marrissa]: "For the last time -- I graduated years ago! Here's my
class ring! Here's my yearbook! What more do you want?"
>and tell Clara the same," Victoria said. "Well I better get back to dinner.
>Essex out."
>
[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 3]
From: a.cadre1@genie.com
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 03:51:13 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 3/9
[Continued from Part 2]
>Chapter Four
>
>Captain's Log
>STARDATE 60050
>Captain Marrissa Picard recording
> Between now and my and most of my
Tom: Special guest appearance by e.e. cummings!
>command crew's wedding, Admiral Okie has asked the Endeavor to mediate what
>he refers to as a minor dispute in the Naklab system. Hopefully this time
>it really is a minor dispute. Last time I was there I had quite a
>challenge, especially considering that it was my first attempt at diplomacy.
Crow: "I remember it as if it were only yesterday..."
Mike: NO! No clip shows!
> I intend to successfully finish these mediations before STARDATE
>60081 which is the date, Essex has chosen for the first Royal Double
>Wedding in recorded history. (or so the press is billing it)
Tom: Actually, the New York Post is billing it as "DRAGON GIRL'S LOVE NEST".
>Admiral Okie has promised me that if it gets close to my wedding day and it
>still isn't resolved, he personally will finish the mediation.
Nine: Ah'm bettin' it involves plenny'a moonshine an' squaw lovin'.
Crow: Yee-haw!
>
> Jay Gordon stood in front of the console as Lieutenant Shayna
>Sachs beamed the Troac Ambassador aboard. Sel Rahc Ekael and a couple
>aids beamed aboard. "Permission to come aboard," Ekael asked in his
>boisterous voice.
> "Granted Sel Rahc," Jay replied. "You've changed in the last
>ten years."
Mike: "Your skin is lighter! And you've had your nose done... and your
chin... and your hair's all long and straight now... and you're wearing a
lot more makeup... and your aides! Why, it's Emmanuel Lewis and Macaulay
Culkin!"
> Ekael patted his stomach, and responded, "I haven't had many
>troubles to drown with food." Then taking a second glance at Jay he
>said. "Do I know you?"
Crow: "You talkin' to me?"
> "When you came aboard the Enterprise a decade ago," Jay
>responded. "I welcomed you aboard. I was a lot shorter then. As I
>recall I came up to here." He held his hand up to chest level.
Nine: "Back then I was this many, but now I'm this many!"
Tom: That might work better if you had fingers.
Nine: Like you should talk.
> "Ah, now I remember, I take it your Captain is busy elsewhere,"
>Ekael inquired.
> "We've got guaranteed leave next month, and she has to fill out
>the paper work," Jay replied. "I'd help but she didn't want any
>distractions."
Mike: Read: she didn't want to get caught printing up fake receipts.
>
> An hour later Sel Rahc Selaw was met by Commander Gordon,
Tom: Oh, yeah, I remember Sel Rahc Selaw. He's the one with the yllaer gib
srae.
>"Welcome aboard, Sel Rahc Selaw. Thank you for leaving your weapons at
>home this time."
> "What weapons?," the graying Bres Ambassador asked. "Why would
>I have weapons? Wait a minute, you are familiar some how. Do I know you?"
Mike: "Wait, I know! Didn't you use to be on that 'Saved By the Bell' show?"
> "I greeted you when you came aboard the Enterprise-D," Jay replied.
> "That's it, Kay Gordon," Selaw droned.
> "Actually it's Jay Gordon, Commander Jay Gordon," he corrected.
> "I knew it was some letter of the alphabet," Selaw said.
Crow: No, no, you're thinking of A Martinez.
>"I see your Captain isn't here to greet me. She afraid I'm going to break
>her collar-bone again?"
All: Don't we wish!
> "Actually I think she should be picking out a wedding dress with
>Clara about now," Jay said.
> "She's getting married, huh," Selaw said. "Whose the lucky
>gentleman?"
Crow: Well, hers, eventually.
> "I am," Jay replied.
>
> Next Sel Rahc Akros beamed aboard. "Welcome abroad, Sel Rahc
>Akros," Jay said.
Tom: "Yes, welcome abroad! Isn't the South of France lovely this time of
year?"
>"From the view from orbit, I see Sobnia has recovered quite well from it's
>problems."
Mike: "I hear it's even considering changing its name to Smile-nia!"
Bots: *groan*
> "Indeed it has, Commander?" Akros replied.
> "Jay Gordon, First Officer," Jay said. "If you will follow me,
>I'll take you to your Quarters."
Tom: "The slot machines are in the lobby and next to the icemaker!"
> "So, Jay has Captain Marrissa Picard grown up as well as you?"
>the Sobnian Ambassador asked.
Crow [Jay]: "You betcha! Up and =out=!"
> "You'll have to be the judge of that as my opinion on that
>matter is defiantly biased," Jay said. "Let's just say that her royal
>highness is quite a woman."
Tom: "--and a whole =lot= of woman!"
> "Royal highness?" Akros asked.
> "You didn't know Marrissa was a Princess?" Jay said, astonished.
>"I thought the Press would have spread that news Federation wide and
>beyond by now."
Mike [Akros]: "Well, sure, I've heard people call Marrissa a princess before,
but I just assumed they meant, you know--"
>
> The fourth and final Ambassador beamed aboard. New to Jay and
>Marrissa, Sel Rahc Crevel was a young fellow, about twenty, the same age
>as Jay. As he materialized he began, "Where is that excuse for a
>mediator, Captain Pi-CARD."
Crow: Y'know, seven pi cards'll get you busted at blackjack!
Others: *groan*
> "Princess Marrissa Picard, Captain of this vessel is presently
>practicing her piano for tonight's consort," Jay said.
Crow: Uh, shouldn't Jay be tonight's consort?
Mike: Just because she's engaged doesn't stop Marrissa from playing the field.
>"I'm Commander Jay Gordon, first officer."
> "Your Captain couldn't spare the time away from her practicing
>to greet me," Crevel said. "How insulting, I'm considering
Tom: --declaring war?
Crow: --turning the Endeavor into a twisted scrap heap?
Nine: I'm particularly looking forward to seeing the guards kick Marrissa's
head around like a hacky sack.
>withdrawing until a more courteous mediator can me found."
> "Actually she is quite courteous, and well aware of the need to
>seem fair to all," Jay replied. "Starfleet business kept her from
>welcoming the others so she declined welcoming you to conform to that
>equality.
Mike: There's plenty of rudeness to go around for everybody!
>She will greet you all at the mediation table tomorrow."
> "What about tonight's consort?" Sel Rahc Crevel said.
Tom [Jay]: "Dunno. She's trying to choose between Stump Hugelarge and
Cliff Beefpile."
> "She will merely perform there," Jay said. "The Captain will not be
>discussing anything with you above compliments on her performance tonight.
Crow: "An' there'll be plenty of 'em if y'know what's good for ya!"
>Now if you will follow me, I will show you to your quarters."
>
> Marrissa enjoyed playing the piano. She regretted that early in
>her career she had neglected the instrument in favor of other activities,
Nine: Pillaging, plundering, leaving a trail of charred planets and homeless
orphans in her wake...
>but since she had become Second Officer on the Stargazer she had returned
>to it with a passion. In the last eight years she had become quite an
>accomplished pianist. In fact she was now giving lessons to some of her
>officers on board the Endeavor.
Crow: Mandatory, no doubt.
> The consort she was holding tonight was a challenging one.
Mike: But I'm betting Marrissa can break 'im.
>She was playing not only pieces from Chopin, but the ever challenging Mozart
>as well.
Tom: Any question Ratliff just picked these names out of an encyclopedia?
>Over the years Marrissa had found such consorts a welcome release from work.
Nine: Well, hey, who doesn't enjoy a good harem?
>It was amazing how much tension could drain away while she played the piano.
Crow: --displaced onto the listeners.
> Apparently it worked for her listeners as well as while she
>played an easier piece she noticed that the Nevolsian Sel Rahc who had
>been noticeably tense when she came in was now smiling. In fact it
>looked like he was tapping his foot to the beat of the sprightly piece.
Mike: Of course, in his culture that means "Oh, God, please kill me."
Tom: On that note, let's get out of here.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Crow and Tom are hanging out by the desk. Nine is there but her
monitor is turned away from Cambot so we can't see her/Marrissa's face.]
Crow: Apply Filter: Soften More!
Nine: Hey, don't airbrush my face. That's rude.
Tom: Yeah, and you'll get Michael Stipe pissed at you.
Crow: Fine. Then Solarize! Level 172! And Gamma Correct to about a 2.2!
[Enter Mike.]
Mike: Hey, what's going on here?
Tom: Well, we just figured that Nine's a program, right? She has no
corporeal form. Her "face" is just a bitmap of Marrissa that Dr. Forrester
downloaded from alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.ratliff. So we're running it
through Paint Shop Pro!
Nine: Actually, there's nothing that says I =have= to look like Marrissa at
all. I can look like anyone you want.
Mike: Really?? Can you look like Dawn Wells??
[awkward pause]
Mike: I take it I was a little too quick on the draw with that one...?
Crow: Oh, just a wee bit.
[Lights flash]
All: WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
>Chapter Five
>
> Marrissa entered the room she had set up for the mediation.
>Inside was a pentagon shaped table with the four Sel Rahc's all ready
>seated around it. The three she had met before were seated comfortably
>around the table, smiling.
Nine [Marrissa]: "Hello, gentlemen! Did you enjoy your complimentary
lobotomy this morning? That's good!"
>Sel Rahc Crevel however was glaring at his fellow Sel Rahc's. "Good
>mourning, everyone,
Crow [screeching]: "--and welcome to Tales From the Crypt! I have a =bone=
to pick with you!"
>sorry I'm late again," Marrissa said. "Some annoying bureaucrat on Deep
>Space Thirteen delayed me."
All: *loud laughter*
Crow: Hey, maybe it was Frank!
> "Would that be Lieutenant Rehtob?" Sel Rahc Ekael asked.
> "That's the guy," Marrissa said. "I'm afraid the poor soul
>picked the wrong Captain to annoy."
Nine: "Care to see his pancreas? I've got it right here in my purse."
> "You mean some one finally is doing something about that annoyance?"
>Sel Rahc Selaw said. "I think he was the one who started this mess. If he
>hadn't inquired as to tax rates for goods among our planets we wouldn't be
>here.
Mike: He's the Naklab answer to Steve Forbes!
>I'd be home on Bres enjoying my grandchildren."
Nine: Didn't Humbert Humbert say something about wanting to enjoy his
grandchildren?
> "Yes, I've arranged for his transfer," Marrissa replied. "He
>will be spending at least the next six months as second officer on the
>supply ship Harriman. It's current assignment, supply all the colonies
>in the DMZ with their allotment of fertilizer.
Tom: "The mission is under the command of Captain Hal Warren."
>Their are advantages to having you dad as Commanding Admiral Starfleet."
Crow: What about yo' mama?
> "Well that's one less problem in the system," Sel Rahc Akros
>responded.
Tom: Yes, but there's still violence inherent in it.
> "Yes, but you still have the tax rate problem," Marrissa said.
>"I want to here how you each think you can solve it. The order of the
>day is alphabetical by planet name.
Mike: "Damn! I'm from Zzzzzzzzzyzzzzzyxon!"
Crow: Just out of curiosity... how exactly are we supposed to deal with those
few planets that didn't happen to independently arrive at the Roman alphabet?
>Sel Rahc Selaw of Bres?"
> "I propose we make an equal systemwide tax," Selaw said.
> "That's ridicules," Sel Rahc Crevel interrupted. "Only a Bres
>slime would make such a suggestion."
Nine: I'm glad to see the level of rhetoric here is substantially above what
you see on C-Span.
> "Sel Rahc Crevel, I suggest you keep your opinions of your
>fellow Sel Rahcs to yourself," Marrissa commented. "It makes for a much
>nicer negotiation. Now what do you suggest?"
> "I suggest we just forget about the whole thing," Crevel replied
Crow: The scene? I argee wholeheartedly!
> "Interesting approach, Sel Rahc Akros?" Marrissa asked.
> "I suggest we eliminate all in system taxes," Akros replied.
> "Sel Rahc Ekael, and try to keep the volume down this time,"
>Marrissa inquired.
Tom: Won't that raise the pressure?
> "I suggest we eliminate taxes on critical in system trade such
>as metals and food stuffs, but keep luxury items taxed at what ever rate
>each planet deems acceptable," Ekael said.
> "Does anyone have a comment on these suggestions?" Marrissa asked.
Mike: Yup! They're boring as hell.
> "I find my fellow Sel Rahcs suggestions despicable, and
>demeaning," Crevel began. "It shows that they have become decadent and
>foolish ..."
Crow: Whoa! It's the return of J. Neil Schulman.
Tom: You're just afraid of the light he's shedding on your own moral
corruption.
> "Meaningful comment," Marrissa interrupted. "Sel Rahc Crevel,
>if you continue making such insults at your fellow Sel Rahcs I will see
>that you are replaced."
Mike: Any chance we can get the author replaced?
> "You a measly Starfleet Captain?" Crevel replied.
> "Crevel, I've heard quite a bit about you," Marrissa began.
>"After this negotiation you are suppose to replace Sel Rahc Enamuh as
>Nevolsian Ambassador to Essex.
Crow: Funny, I would've replaced him with Etib Em Ffiltar.
>Now what would happen if the heir to Essex objected to your appointment on
>the basis of personal experience?"
> "I'd probably lose my job," Sel Rahc Crevel responded,
Tom: "--and that's why I'm voting for Pat Buchanan!"
>"but since I don't know that heir, I'm not exactly worried"
> "You do now," Marrissa replied. "You see I'm the heir, Princess
>Marrissa, Princess of Halifax, Duchess of Londondairy. So shape up, or
>you won't be shipping out to Essex."
> Sel Rahc Crevel was quite shocked by that comment.
Mike: Me too! It was almost sort of-- clever!
>He slumped in his chair. Sel Rahc Ekael took the pause to make a suggestion,
>"May I suggest we ajourn for lunch, Captain? My stomach is rumbling."
Crow: "Oh! And can I sharpen my pencil?"
> "Your stomach is always rumbling," Sel Rahc Selaw entoned.
> "True, but your thin body needs more food as well," Sel Rahc
>Ekael returned, light-heartedly
Mike: I can't get enough of Sel Rahc Ekael's agile repartee.
> "Excellent suggestion, Ekael," Marrissa said. "We will
>reconvene at 1400 hours, after we have had time to digest everything."
Crow: Yeah, the cooking on the Endeavor usually takes about 1400 hours to
digest.
>
> Marrissa liked to eat lunch in the Endeavor's version of
>Ten-Forward, the Endeavor Tavern, with it's hostess, Mary, a daughter of
>the legendary Guinan. Well perhaps not legendary, but at least well known.
Tom: It's Stephen Ratliff, backpedalling furiously!
>On the floor plans, the Tavern was about the same as Ten-Forward on the
>Enterprise,
Mike: Of course! What did you expect, originality? From =Ratliff=?
>that however was were the similarity ended. The Endeavor Tavern was a bar.
>The tables were actual wood with wooden chairs.
Tom: Wow! Hey, Mike, maybe he =does= have some originality after all!
>The bar itself was right out of an old television series known as Cheers.
Tom: Or not.
>There was no doubt about it, Mary's Endeavor Tavern was not like other bars
>on Starfleet vessels, but Marrissa didn't like her ship to be just like
>other ships.
Crow: Watch as the idea of not being the constant center of attention fills
Marrissa with inexpressible panic!
>If Marrissa had her way the Endeavor wouldn't even look like other ships.
Mike: She's still stuck on the idea of painting a huge Confederate flag on
the dish.
> As Captain Marrissa Picard walked up to the bar, Mary said.
>"What would you like for lunch today, Captain?"
Tom [Marrissa]: "Umm... a cow, please. Medium rare."
> "I'm in the mood for Italian today, Mary," Marrissa said.
> "I have some fresh pizza, just out of the oven," Mary replied.
>"Ham and Pepperoni."
Crow [Marrissa, harsh]: "NO! Potatoes are what I eat!"
> "I'll take three slices of it
Nine: "Extra grease please. And a side of back-bacon."
>and a tall glass of strawberry soda," Marrissa said.
Tom: Ah, yes, the strawberry fetish. You'd think she'd have learned her
lesson after guzzling that bottle of shampoo...
>"And some bread sticks if you have any fresh baked."
> "I just happen to," Mary said.
Nine: Quelle coincidence!
Crow: Hardly. You don't survive as the cook on Marrissa's ship for very long
unless you learn to have wheelbarrows full of all her favorite foods ready
to serve at a moment's notice twenty-four hours a day.
>"I assume you will be at your usual booth?"
> "Yes, Jay will be joining me," Marrissa said.
> "Jay?" Mary said. "I haven't heard you call Commander Gordon
>that since we were on the Stargazer."
Mike: "Ever since then it's been Pookie this and Pookie that!"
> "How else should I address my fiancee?" Marrissa asked. At
>Mary's puzzled face, Marrissa continued. "I can't believe it, some item
>of ship's gossip passed you by."
Nine: "You really didn't know Jay was a woman?"
> "Hardly," Mary replied. "It's been such a common rumor that I
>tend to ignore ever time I hear that you two are getting married. Now
>Clara and Alexander, thats a different story."
> "Anything else interesting in the gossip today?" Marrissa asked.
Mike [falsetto]: "Well, Liz Smith says that Brooke and Andre are on the outs,
and--"
>
> "There is a rumor that Ross Lochard is considering a transfer to
>the Enterprise," Mary said. "His wife is apparently upset about the
>prospect of leaving the Endeavor. The rumor mill is also looking for
>who will replace him as Chief of Security. The general opinion is that
>you will have to bring someone in from outside."
Nine: "I hear they're having an auction just outside of Arcturus! Plenty of
young bucks for six hundred apiece, wenches for three hundred! Great for
breeding, too!"
> "Great, I really should stop other Captains from raiding my
>crew," Marrissa said. "They just don't seem to want to train their own.
>I'm certainly not going to be able to stop Captain Riker from taking
>Ross if he wants to go,
Crow: What? "Not going to be able to" do something? All right, what have
you done with the real Marrissa?
>but their won't be any more for quite some time. Computer, until further
>notice, all personnel records are classified level thirteen for access off
>the Endeavor, authorization Picard Mozart One Seven Victoria One."
Tom: Oh, yeah, no one would =ever= think of that! Why don't you just throw
in your birthday to make it extra complicated?
> "Authorization confirmed, outside access to personnel records
>classified to level thirteen," the Computer replied.
> "Lets see them pull another officer off this ship," Marrissa said.
Crow: Two seconds later, a couple of eleven-year-olds in a middle-school
FORTRAN class hacked into her system and transferred Alexander over to
teach PE.
>"I didn't train my crew for everyone to transfer off the ship, ninety
>percent of my crew are Ensigns as it is. Now what else is in the rumor
>mill?"
Mike: "Oh, someone's hand got caught in there. Don't worry about it, happens
all the time."
>
> In the Lochard Family quarters, Lieutenant Commander Ross
>Lochard had just left for duty,
Tom: Well, actually it was to "make duty".
>thinking that his wife had agreed to transferring to the Enterprise.
>However, Lieutenant Katherine Isadora Szustakowski Lochard
Mike: Shouldn't there be a couple of Burtons and a Fortensky in there?
>was going to do no such thing. She was tired of transferring from ship to
>ship to further her husband's career.
Crow: Typical! I suppose next she'll be whining about his boozing and
womanizing. Dames.
> She'd been glad to transfer to the Endeavor, back under the command
>of her long time friend, Marrissa Picard.
Tom: There's a certain security that only a maniacal dictator can bring.
>However, she was not ready to begin ship hopping again.
Nine: Bed-hopping, on the other hand...
>She and Ross had been married for 8 years,
Mike: --but then she realized she was a lesbian and he started dating this
Asian girl he met at a dig in China but then Rachel showed up at the
airport and--
>and during that time they had served on as many ships, the Stargazer, the
>Clinton, the Hornet, the Monitor,
Crow: --the Titanic, the Achille Lauro, the Exxon Valdez...
>the list went on and on. Well Kathy wasn't going to go back to the
>Enterprise, oh she'd transfer,
Tom: Oh yes?
Mike: Oh, my.
Crow: Oh, please!
>but not to the Enterprise.
Nine: "There's no way I'm getting near that creepy Riker and his wandering
hands!"
> Kathy Lochard called up the positions available listings for
>Fighter Commanders or Chief Helm Officers, muttering, "The nerve, to use
>the afterglow of sex to *soften the blow*."
Mike: *blinking* Excuse me? Did Ratliff just use the phrase "afterglow of
sex"?
>A position caught her eye:
>
> Fighter Commander and Second Officer USS Stargazer
> NCC-2893. Fighter piloting experience a must. Command
> experience wanted. Fighter wing commanding a defiant
> plus. Will promote to Lieutenant Commander.
Crow: "Must enjoy long walks on the beach, dinner by candlelight, pina
coladas, getting caught in the rain. No smokers please."
> Contact Captain T'Gwen Washington, USS Stargazer NCC-2893,
> Cardassain-Federation Demilitarized Zone.
>
> A perfect position she thought. The Stargazer will probably convey
>the Cardassian delegation to the Captain's wedding so Ross won't figure out
>that my transfer is different until the last possible minute. Plus, as
>Fighter Commander, I get a promotion I've been a full Lieutenant too long.
Crow: Jeez, talk about ambition.
Mike: Are you kidding? If Marrissa were in her place she'd just throw her
husband into the nearest combine harvester.
>Ross will regret his underhandedness in this manner. If he had asked me
>when he first found out about the possibility, I probably would have gone
>with him. Thank God we don't have kids.
Nine: Now if only Mr. and Mrs. Ratliff hadn't had any.
[Commercials]
>Chapter Six
>
> It was the twelfth day of the mediation over the tax problem in
>the Naklab system.
Tom [singing]: o/~ On the twelfth day of the mediation Marrissa gave to
meeeee... o/~
>Once again, the Sel Rahcs has broken out in an argument and Captain Marrissa
>Picard was loosing her patience.
Mike: After that gargantuan lunch you think she'd be "loosing" her belt.
>The argument increased in volume and Marrissa decided it was time to put
>here foot down. "QUIET!" she yelled.
> The Sel Rahcs shut up. "That's better," Marrissa said. "Now, I
>would have preferred to have conducted this in much nicer terms, but you
>have broken the last straw.
Crow: Huh? That's not how it goes!
Tom: Well, you know what they say, the greasy wheel fixes the sow's purse...
>If you do not come to agreement in the next 24 hour, during which time you
>will be confined to this room, I will leave you to fight among yourselves.
Mike: Uh, isn't that what they've been doing for the past ten years? What
kind of negotiation strategy is that?
>Admiral Okie can then do as he sees fit to you, and I don't think leaving
>you alone is on his list. If you can come up with a solution, I'll let you
>out, we will have lunch
Nine: "I'll scarf down another thirty pounds of pork and strawberries..."
>and sign the treaty. If not, well I depart for Essex in 48 hours and you
>better hope I remember to let you out before I leave.
Mike: Yeah, this is someone you want caring for a small child. When Bev and
Jean-Luc get back from their vacation their kids'll be wetting the bed and
throwing feces at people.
>The security officer will know how to reach me."
> Marrissa left the stunned Sel Rahc behind. Sel Rahc Ekeal
>attempted to follow. He ran into the door.
Crow: Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
>Outside the room, Marrissa turned to the security guard and told him,
>"Patterson, don't let them out, and if they agree on a solution, call me."
>The new ensign, fresh out of the Academy, but well known to Marrissa,
Tom: What does that mean?
Nine: Guess Marrissa likes to "break in" the new boys.
>nodded affirmative.
>
> Marrissa entered the bridge. Jay was in the center seat, he got
>up. "Anything new, Jay?" she asked.
Mike [rhapsodic]: "No. What has been is what will be, and what has been
done is what will be done; there is nothing new under the sun. Is there a
thing of which it is said, 'See, this is new'? It has already been, in
the ages before us."
Crow: Umm... okay.
> "Ross turned in his request for transfer," Jay said. "Captain
>Riker wants him on the Enterprise."
> "I knew this was coming," Marrissa responded. "I hate to lose him,
Tom: "--but if I don't have his undying and undivided loyalty, he'll have to
be... purged."
>but I don't intend to stand in his way. Replacing him will be hard though."
> "It gets worse," Jay added. "The transfer is effective before
>we get married."
> "Great, now who am I going to leave in command?" Marrissa asked.
Nine: I don't suppose there's any chance you could let go of your archaic,
militaristic social structure for a few hours and have the crew elect the
people they want to lead them...? no?
>"Most of my officers are ensigns, good ones but ensigns none the less."
> "There is Clara's number two," Jay suggested,
Mike: Let's not get scatological.
>jokingly
> "Shayna, Jay you may have found just the officer to fill all of
>our needs," Marrissa laughed.
Crow: "She slices, she dices, she whips and purees -- why didn't I think of
her sooner?"
>"Have Lieutenant Sachs report to my ready room, tomorrow morning."
> "Aye, Aye, Captain," Jay said. Marrissa gave him a look of
>distaste at the title. "I know, no ranks between us, but it takes some
>getting use to. What happened to the Naklab Mediation?
Nine [Marrissa]: "Naklab-- oh, that's right, the subplot!"
Tom: You call that a subplot? That's like calling a telephone directory an
epic poem.
>It's a little early for you to be done for the day
Crow [Marrissa]: "Yeah? Well it's a little early for a double martini too
but I've never let that stop me!"
>and by your looks I know you haven't concluded an agreement."
> "I locked them in until they come to their senses," Marrissa said.
>"Patterson should be calling me in about an hour and a half to tell me that
>they have an agreement."
Mike: If only all diplomatic disputes could be solved by calling a "time-out."
> "Marrissa!" Jay exclaimed. "Were did you get such a idea? It
>sounds like you are treating them like children."
> "I told them I'd treat them like they acted," Marrissa said.
Crow: Does that mean you'd treat Steven Seagal like a slab of firewood?
>"I'm a person of my word."
Mike: "--and that word is 'upholstery'!"
> "Ensign Supra to Captain Picard."
> "You are early, Patterson," Marrissa said. "Have they come up
>with an agreement already?"
> "Apparently so," Patterson Supra replied. "I've never heard
>such yelling in my life
Nine: "--except for maybe on that Courtney Love record..."
>but they've calmed down and are asking for you."
> "Thank you, Ensign, I'll be right down," Marrissa said.
>"Picard- out." As she moved toward the turbolift she muttered to
>herself, "I'm going to miss using that name."
Tom: What, is she considering getting one of those dopey symbols like Prince
has?
Mike: I think she means she's changing it to Tanya.
>
> The room was silent when Marrissa returned to the mediation
>table. "My security officer tells me you have come to an agreement,"
>Marrissa began. "Who wants to tell me it."
Crow: How can you not love Marrissa? Her impeccable demeanor, her prodigious
leadership skills, her rudimentary command of English...
> Sel Rahc Selaw rose. "My fellow Sel Rahcs have elected me to do
>so," he began. "We have decided to keep all extra-system taxes. For
>inside taxes,
Tom: From his clear mastery of the terminology I can see Ratliff has given
himself over to the exhaustive study of the seminal economics texts.
>we will be reducing the taxes on food stuffs to no more than 3 percent as
>determined by the planet's legislators. The taxes on consumer goods will be
>no more than 6 percent. Luxury items will be taxed at no more than 10
>percent. All non classed items will be taxed at no more than 7 percent.
Mike: No one will be seated during the gripping tax rates scene!
>However we still have one problem. We can not agree as to how the treaty
>will be implemented."
> "Are you willing to listen to my suggestions?" Marrissa asked. The
>Sel Rahcs indicated they were. "Well, the treaty can take effect when
>ratified by two planets and will only include those planets that ratify it.
Tom: But that just means that you'll be going through this process all over
again in a couple of weeks with the holdouts! What kind of solution is
that?
>Breaking the treaty will result in a 50 percent across the board tax,
>starting two weeks after the breakage and lasting until the break is
>repaired by
Mike: --duct tape.
>returning to treaty specs. Opinions? Today's order is by increasing
>distance from the Endeavor."
Tom: Geocentric? Heliocentric? No, it's a Marrissacentric universe!
> "We agreed to let you decide on it," Sel Rahc Akros said.
>"After all if you are a starship captain,
Mike: "--then naturally that qualifies you to draft sensitive legislation!"
>a Princess,
Crow: Great. I'm sure waving skills will come in handy in creating future
economic policy.
>and had the good taste to except that first officer of yours' marriage
>proposal,
Tom [Akros]: "He's quite a tasty dish!"
>we know your judgment is better than any one we are going to find.
Crow: What about Wapner?
>And I must admire your elegant solution to the implementation problem."
> "Then you all will agree to the said provisions and sign the
>treaty tomorrow morning?" Marrissa inquired. The Sel Rahcs indicated
>they were.
Mike: They conveyed their assent through interpretive dance.
>"Then I will see you tomorrow in Conference Room 5. If you will excuse me,
>I've got to see about some media coverage."
Nine: "I've got to get that videotape back from those people at Hard Copy!
'Marrissa's Wild Night Out' my ass!"
>
> Later that evening, Jay and Marrissa were relaxing in her
>quarters. "Another diplomatic triumph, Marrissa," Jay said. "For
>someone who hates diplomacy your record is definitely usual."
Tom: Yeah, an enormous body count, star systems ravaged beyond repair,
cultures wiped clean off the map... you know, the usual.
> "Maybe marriage will get them to stop calling on me," Marrissa
>said. "Diplomacy gives me headaches."
Crow: I know what you mean. I always get stuck with Austria-Hungary, and
Italy and Turkey keep teaming up to grab my supply centers.
> "Speaking of our upcoming wedding, I think their is one matter
>we might want to discuss," Jay said.
> "What would that be?" Marrissa inquired.
Nine [Jay]: "Well, uh, you know, I still haven't figured out where everything
=goes=, if you know what I mean..."
> "The matter of last names," Jay said. "I'd like you to keep
>yours, Marrissa."
> "Why?" Marrissa asked.
Mike [Jay]: "Cause, I know it worked for Cher and Madonna, but just plain
'Marrissa' sounds goofy!"
> "I've heard of the problems the Enterprise had when their were
>three Picards on board," Jay said. "I don't want to be the cause of it
>on the Endeavor.
Tom: Gotcha. The fewer Picards, the better. But, wait, then, doesn't that
mean...?
>Plus, I heard your comment about missing the name when you left the bridge
>yesterday.
Mike: How? What, has he got the turbolift bugged?
Crow: Oh, I think Marrissa's got the entire ship wired.
>In fact I suggest we let out
Crow: "--these pants. Once I'm married I'm gonna swell up like a balloon!"
>that we will be following Essex tradition on the matter."
> "I'm afraid I don't know Essex tradition as to married names,"
>Marrissa replied.
> "I'm surprised, you are usual quite well informed about Essex,"
>Jay responded.
Mike: Hell, she's usually omniscient, omnipotent and infallible.
> "I've never had the reason to look it up before," Marrissa said.
>"Now tell me what is the tradition?"
> "The more prestigious and wealth persons name is taken by the
>children
Tom: After all, as we all know, the rich are better than the rest of us.
>and both parents retain their name," Jay replied. "You can't deny that you
>are more respected and admired.
Mike: "Me, I've got as much cred as Rob and Fab!"
>Plus with that mansion on Essex, how can you not be more wealth than me?"
Crow: Oh, it's not all that impressive. It's on Foulness Island.
Tom: British topography humor. Yeah, that'll get 'em rolling in the aisles.
Crow: Shut up.
> "You do have a point," Marrissa said. "By the way, Victoria
>wants to give you a title. How does Duke of Churchill sound?"
Tom [Jay]: "I was thinking something along the lines of 'World's Greatest
Chef!'"
> "You know all those titles was one of the reasons I didn't
>propose to you earlier," Jay moaned.
>
Mike: Well, that and the fact that he hadn't reached puberty yet.
>Chapter Seven
>
> Captain Marrissa Amber Picard was looking at records when her
>ready room door rang. "Come," she ordered.
Crow: Practicing for the honeymoon, I see.
>Lieutenant Shayna Sachs entered the ready room. "Shayna, come sit down."
> "You wanted to see me, Captain," Shayna stated.
Mike [Marrissa]: "I did? Hunh! Learn something new every day."
> "No titles, how many times do I have to tell people," Marrissa
>commented.
> "OK, Marrissa, but if some officer complains about my lack of a
>proper show of respect to ranking officers," Shayna replied.
Nine: "--I'll probably get pulled out of my car and beaten!"
>"It's your problem."
> "Not entirely, Shayna," Marrissa said. "But that's not why I
>called you here."
> "May I ask why?" Shayna responded.
Mike [Marrissa]: "Sure, go ahead."
> "I have a problem I think you can help me solve," Marrissa said.
>"In a couple days, the entire senior staff with the exception of Doctor
>Jackson, and Counselor Sussex will be on 'Honeymoon leave' or in the
>case of our Chief of Security,
Nine: --up in his room masturbating.
Mike: Uh, Nine? We kind of have a policy around here...
>leaving us for the Enterprise. Would you like to take command until one of
>us gets back?"
> "Me? take command," Shayna said. "I've never been in command
>for more than a shift before."
Tom: "--and in that short time I managed to snuff out a couple of stars and
bring a sudden end to a hundred-million-year-old civilization!"
> "You have a 17 minute 59.999999999...." Marrissa began.
> "Enough with the nines," Shayna replied exasperated.
Nine: Come on, Shayna. Hit her.
Crow: One of these days Marrissa's going to go off about those Calamari Sushi
times and end up with a chopstick lodged in her temple.
> "... second Kobayashi Maru time," she finished. "Which no one
>in that painting over my sofa will let you forget.
Mike: You mean the dogs playing poker?
>You are also the senior most Lieutenant on board."
Crow: She's the most lieutenantest lieutenant of all! Whee!
> "You don't have to convince me to take command," Shayna replied.
> "Their is one other thing," Marrissa added.
Mike: Suddenly it's an episode of "Columbo".
> "What?"
> "I need some one to take Ross's place as Chief of Security. I'd
>like you to consider the possibility of transferring and taking that
>place. Don't answer now,
Tom: "--there's more! Call now and we'll throw in a bamboo steamer -- a
$29.95 value! Now how much would you pay?"
>tell me when I return."
> "Will you give me access to the security personnel and duty
>files so I may see what I'm considering getting into," Shayna inquired.
> "Of coarse, Shayna.
Mike: "And here's an inventory of their medicine cabinets!"
>I'll see you before I go down to Essex to get ready for my wedding,"
>Marrissa arranged. "Patterson, has volunteered to take command, so everyone
>else can attend the ceremony. You will relieve him after the wedding."
Crow: I think we'll all be relieved after the wedding. The story'll be over.
Tom: Are you sure?
Crow: Well, of course. I mean, you don't think Ratliff would include
extraneous... material... oh, no. Oh, no, no, no... [sobs]
> "Anything else, Marrissa?"
> "No, send Jay in here," Marrissa ordered returning to her work.
> Shayna exited the room and moments later Jay entered. "You
>asked for me Marrissa?" Jay inquired.
Nine [Marrissa]: "That was 5.6 whole seconds, Jay! Work on it."
> "Yes, Jay, I think I have the problem Lieutenant Lochard left us
>with solved," Marrissa said.
> "Don't tell me your leaving Shayna in Command," Jay exclaimed.
> "Yes, ... something wrong with that?" Marrissa replied.
Mike: Maybe the fact that you're leaving a flesh-and-blood member of Radford
University's CS Department in charge of a bunch of fictional characters?
>"You did recommend her."
> "I was joking," Jay replied.
> "Now just what made Shayna a jokable person
Nine: That's not a word!
Tom: It is now.
>to leave in command?" Marrissa asked. "After all she does have a 17 minute
>59.9..."
> Jay joined in "...9999999999999999 second Kobayashi Maru time."
Tom: It's Jay Gordon, Starfleet's answer to Waylon Smithers.
> "Why wouldn't you leave her in command?" Marrissa continued.
> "She is undisciplined, unorthodoxed, and a relentless
>practical joker," Jay said.
> "Sounds like the prefect Security chief," Marrissa responded.
Crow [Marrissa]: "And while we're at it, let's get Bob Denver for first mate!"
> "Marrissa, you have the oddest sense of humor in the fleet," Jay
>replied.
Mike: "Except for maybe Ensign Carrot Top."
> "Something wrong with that?" Marrissa inquired, sweetly.
Tom: --as she sweetly set her phaser to "kill."
> "Actually, no, not on this ship, known far and wide for its
>oddities," Jay said.
Crow: Oh, so =they're= the ones who created "The Head".
>"In fact your sense of humor has just been added to the list of qualities
>I'm marrying you for."
> "I want to see this list," Marrissa said, kissing her first
>officer.
Nine: I take it that she's already kissed many of the enlisted men?
> "Sorry, that information is classified under time release, Mara"
>Jay said and shut her up with a long, deep, and romantic kiss.
Tom: I certainly endorse the ends, but the means seem rather extreme.
>
> The next morning Marrissa was woken up by a call from the
>bridge. "Marrissa here, what do you want?"
> "Sorry to wake you, Captain, but we have an incoming priority
>one message," Alexander's voice said.
Nine [Marrissa]: "Tough! At this hour of the morning the only thing that
gets a priority one is coffee!"
> "Route it down here," Marrissa ordered, getting up from her bed and
>pushing her long blond hair back into a hasty ponytail. "Display message."
> Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard appeared on screen and said,
>"Sorry to wake you Captain,
Crow: "Captain"? What, like they've never met? She's his daughter!
Mike: Ah, but you're forgetting. In the 22nd century they banned any display
of family affection or emotion or even informality. "A Date With Your
Family" was shown over and over again at the public schools. The culture
never fully recovered.
>but I must inform you that a inspection will be performed by myself when
>you arrive at Essex. Be ready, Fleet Admiral out."
> "Great, he wakes me at 0421 hours just to inform me that he will
>insect us
Tom: Actually, he's already starting to =bug= me! Ha!
>as soon as we arrive at Essex," Marrissa muttered. "Does he think my room
>is so messy that I need 12 hours to clean it." She looked around her room
>and had to admit that it was rather messy.
Nine: She might need to spend a couple of hours just figuring out how to get
the bra untangled from the ceiling fan.
>She and Jay hadn't been thinking of neatness during last night's nightcap.
Crow: Oh, ick.
>Oh well, what's the point of being a Captain if you can't have some one
>straiten up your room.
Nine: "I'll just order someone over from the USS Guatemala!"
>
> Around 1630 hours the USS Endeavor pulled into Essex orbit. The
>USS Enterprise NCC-1701-E and the Papal vessel Trinity where already there.
>"Looks like Pope Gregory, happened to be in the neighborhood again,"
>Marrissa commented. "He doesn't miss a chance to do anything, does he?"
Crow: Especially altar boys.
Nine: Yowtch! That was very dark. I admire that.
> "Old Gregory? If he could he'd probably be out converting
>Cardassians," Jay replied.
> "I hate to tell you be he's done that," Marrissa said. "And
>Romulans, and Bajorans. You name it and he'll convert it."
Mike: "He'd even convert Jews if I hadn't wiped them all out in my last
pogrom!"
> "I thought that was a job for is underlings," Jay replied.
> "Not according to the Pope," Marrissa replied. "He says that
>he intends to lead by example."
Nine: Next week he's setting up an auto-da-fe on Risa.
> "Incoming hail from the Enterprise,"
Tom: "--expected to turn to sleet by late afternoon!"
>Lieutenant Ross Lochard announced.
> "On screen," Marrissa commanded.
> Captain William T. Riker of the Starship Enterprise appeared on
>the main viewscreen. His beard was beginning to gray and his hair
>already had some white streaks in it.
Mike: Captain William T. Riker is eleven years old.
Tom: "Have you played Tron? It's totally awesome!"
>"Captain Picard, I hope you are ready for inspection," he said.
Crow: "Assume the position! Full body cavity search!"
>"The Admiral is in a picky mood today."
> "Not as picky as I'm going to be about the uniform he is going to
>be giving me away in," Marrissa said.
Mike: "We're overstocked! All Marrissas must go! Prices so low we're
practically giving them away!"
>"He better be careful, or I'll arrange for more heavy orders. That is if
>the order of the Defenders of the Klingon Empire Medal isn't heavy enough."
> "You mean the bronze medal in the shape of the Klingon Insignia
>about 4 inches across," Riker responded.
> "You don't need to describe it, I have one myself," Marrissa said.
Crow: Big deal! I've got two! And I got them when I was five!
Tom: Hey, Crow, calm down there, buddy.
Crow: Sorry. It's just that the characters all talk alike and I'm starting
to pick up their speech patterns.
>"That's what I get for being close to Kronos when Gowron died."
> "I heard about it," Riker replied. "Tell me did Korlas ever get
>over the scare you gave him when you pinned him to the wall by throwing
>two daggers?"
Nine: "Oh! And what about the time you got those loaves and fishes to feed
five thousand people? Man, that was something!"
> "As far as I know, no," Marrissa thought. "Last I heard he was
>still afraid to leave his house."
> "Well, it is a little frightening to be pinned to a wall outside
>ones house for how long was it?" Riker asked.
Tom: How did he hear that if all she did was think it?
> "32 hours," Marrissa said. "He really shouldn't have launched
>his own dagger into one of my friends."
Mike: I agree wholeheartedly. He should've launched it into her.
Tom: Y'know, I'm really looking forward to a Marrissa/Grignr crossover.
> "Well the Fleet Admiral is signaling his impatience
Crow: I've been signaling my impatience for a while now. Only takes one
finger!
>so I'll see you in about five minutes in your transporter room," Riker
>concluded. "Enterprise out."
> "Jay, Alex, Ross, my dad would like to see us in transporter
>room two," Marrissa said.
Tom: Really? I'd rather see them all in a mass grave.
>"Kathy, you have the bridge, see that Clara, Martin, and Doctor Johnson
>meet us in the transporter room."
>
> When Marrissa, Jay, Alexander, and Lieutenant Ross Lochard
>entered the transporter room, Clara, Counselor Martin Sussex, and Doctor
>Jackson Johnson were already standing before the control console.
Crow: --playing Zoop.
Tom: Zoop! Zoop!
>Behind the console stood Lieutenant Shayna Sachs. "The Admiral is
>signaling that he is ready to beam aboard with his party of five,"
>Shayna informed Marrissa.
Crow: Cool! I can't get enough of that Love Hewitt.
> "Beam them aboard, Shayna," Marrissa ordered.
> Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, Captain Beverly Picard, their
>children Jackie and Nicholas, and Captain William T. Riker materialized
>on the platform. "Permission to come aboard, Captain?" Jean-Luc Picard
>asked.
Nine: Uh, aren't they sort of already there?
> "Granted, Dad," Marrissa replied.
> "Will you ever stop being so informal?" Jean-Luc asked.
> "Hey, I'm on a first name basis with most of my crew," Marrissa
>said. "That's why we have a 120 efficiency rating.
Tom: "Plus we use every part of the buffalo!"
>Speaking of my crew, I believe introductions are in order. This is my first
>officer, Commander Jay Gordon." Jay nodded. "My Second Officer and Chief
>Engineer, Lieutenant Commander Clara Sutter." Clara smiled. "My Chief
>of Security, for the next 5 hours, Lieutenant Commander Ross Lochard.
Nine: "After that he'll have a little minor surgery and be known as
'Rossina'."
>I'm not happy about you stealing him, Captain Riker."
> "Then blame your father for giving Geordi a ship," Captain Riker
>said.
Mike [Marrissa]: "Well, of course! I'm a teenager! I blame my parents for
everything!"
>"Worf was my best choice for First Officer and you can't be that
>and Chief of Security. So I had to find someone."
> "Well you won't be getting anymore of my officers for a while,"
>Marrissa said.
Tom: "I've loaded them up with exploding dye cartridges!"
>Then continuing with the introductions she introduced, "My Chief Medical
>Officer, Doctor Jackson Johnson."
> "I've heard good things about you, Doctor," Captain Beverly
>Picard said.
Mike [Johnson]: "Thanks. I'd prefer it if you'd heard good things =from=
me, but Ratliff didn't give me any lines."
> "Oh, no, you are not stealing any of my officers either,"
>Marrissa responded. "I already have the ship with the lowest average
>rank in Starfleet. I don't need to lose anyone else."
Tom: Free agency really does cripple the smaller-market teams.
> "I take it you would like a little reprieve from all of the
>raiding other Captains have been doing to your crew," Jean-Luc Picard
>responded. "I've seen too many transfers from your ship in recent
>months,
Crow: Well, think about it! If you were stuck on Marrissa's ship wouldn't
you jump on the first garbage stow to come within ten light-years?
>I'll let it be known that further transfers will have to go though me,
Mike: "It'll be just like on American Gladiators!"
>and I'm not exactly easy to contact."
> "Thank you," Marrissa replied. "Now on to the rest of my
>introductions.
Tom: Jesus! Stanislaw Lem didn't write this many introductions!
>This my Ship's Counselor, Martin Sussex. Next is my Chief of Operations,
>Lieutenant Alexander Rozhenko. And finally behind the console is Lieutenant
>Shayna Sachs, who will be taking command while the rest of my command crew
>is enjoying their honeymoons."
Crow: We know! We know!
Mike: Ratliff seems to think ellipsis is something you get from Revlon.
> "Well I guess it's inspection time," Jean-Luc Picard said. He
>turned to his children who where dressed in white jumpsuits and said,
>"Go play Hide-an-Seek in the Jefferies tubes near Main Engineering."
Nine: "Better yet, go play in the torpedo tube."
[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 5]
From: a.cadre1@genie.com
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 03:49:41 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 5/9
[Continued from Part 4]
>Chapter Eight
>
> Admiral Jean-Luc Picard began his inspection in the same place
>he had for the past ten years in ships Marrissa was on.
Crow: Her underwear drawer.
>"This is the cleanest I've ever seen your room, Marrissa," he commented.
>"Rank hath it's privileges, I see."
> "What makes you say that, Admiral?" Captain Riker replied.
Mike [Picard]: "Oh, jutht a little lithp."
> "She had the ship's Steward in recently," the Fleet Admiral
>replied. "You will note the smell of lemon in the air."
Tom: "I love the smell of lemon in the morning! It smells like-- danishes."
> "I noticed," Riker replied. "It really must have been a mess."
> "Lets just say that I've had a hard time preserving my virginity
>the last couple nights," Marrissa replied.
All: *gag* *retch* *choke*
Mike: There's nothing a father likes more than hearing about his teenage
daughter's late-night sexcapades.
> "That rowdy, Marrissa," Jean-Luc Picard responded. "If your not
>careful Marrissa, you'll end up presenting me with my first grandchild
>with in a year."
> "It's already on my list of goals," Marrissa replied.
Tom: Ah, yes. From "Captain at 25" to "Pregnant at 18". You've come a long
way, Rissa baby.
> "Marrissa, you are really spreading yourself thin," her father
>replied. "Captain, Princess, soon-to-be a Wife and you want to add
>Mother to that ASAP. If you are not careful you will be forced to
>retire from Starfleet due to other commitments."
Crow [Marrissa]: "Shut up or I'll have =you= committed, old man! I've got
an application to the Addled Admirals' Nursing Home just waiting for my
signature!"
> "Dad, you've been saying that for years now," Marrissa
>responded. "Has anything stopped me yet?"
Nine: "I mean, if things at work get too hectic I'm sure the baby can take
care of itself for a few hours! What could happen?"
> "No, to tell the truth, I don't know anything that's even slowed
>you down," Jean-Luc Picard answered.
Mike: "Well, maybe the Quaaludes."
>"But something has to give sometime."
> "Maybe, Dad," Marrissa said. "By the way Captain Riker, is
>there truth to the rumor that your leaving the Enterprise next year?"
> "Actually it's closer to a half of a year now," Riker responded.
Crow: Good thinking, Will! Maybe Marrissa won't have to have you knocked
off after all.
>"Admiral, I though you were trying to keep it secret?"
> "So it is true," Marrissa smiled.
> "Yes, and I want to know where you heard it," Fleet Admiral
>Picard asked.
Nine: "Easy! I bugged his office!"
> "In the docking bay lounge of the Utopia Planate Ship Design Station,
>right after the lecture on the new Nova class design," Marrissa said. "I
>overheard it from a conversation between Captains Morris and Shelby.
Mike: "Lucky for me I just so happened to be under that desk!"
>By the way, who are your leading candidates for replacing him?"
> Admiral Picard began, "Captain Chelsea Crusher of the Clinton,
>Captain T'Gwen Washington of the Stargazer, Captain Mary Szustakowski of
>the Roanoke, Commander Worf, Commander Michael Walsky, Commander Lavelle..."
> "Stop kidding her, Admiral," Riker interrupted. "You know she's
Tom: "--completely flippin' =insane=!"
>after my chair."
> "What ever gave you that idea, Captain?" Captain Marrissa Picard
>replied with false innocence.
Crow: She's been practicing that voice on Jay for months now.
Mike: Of course, everyone knows she =really= wants to be President of
Acquisitions for Gracen & Gracen.
> "Your living room," Riker replied.
> "That would be a good reason ... if it didn't sound so
>ridiculous," Marrissa replied.
Tom: Are you kidding? This is a Ratliff story! The whole thing sounds
ridiculous!
> "So, Admiral, tell her the real short list," Riker said.
> "Captain Marrissa Picard, starship Endeavor, no competition,"
>Jean-Luc Picard responded.
Crow: Hey, that =is= a real short list!
>"And no accusing me of basis,
Mike: Oh, we're all well aware there's no good basis for that decision.
>a panel of 13 Admirals searched though all of Starfleet to find the best
>captain for the Flagship and told me and I quote. 'Captain Marrissa Picard
>embodies the spirit of Starfleet.
Tom [droning]: "She is much better than CATS. I'm going to see her again and
again."
>She knows how to negotiate, when to follow rules and when those rules do not
>apply.
Crow: "She knows when to hold 'em, knows when to fold 'em, knows when to walk
away and knows when to run."
>She has boundless penitence
Nine: She's riddled with guilt?
>and is not intimidated. She knows how to promote peace, but also how
>to fight when fighting becomes necessary.
Tom: "She knows fifty-six ways to kill a man, and fifty-two of them hurt."
>We could find no other whose abilities and traits are as exceptional.'"
> "I wouldn't have given me any of those accolades," Marrissa
>replied honestly. "Especially the boundless penitence comment.
Mike: "I regret nothing!"
>I'm sure that those Naklab Sel Rahc I've mediated would say otherwise."
> "Those Naklab Sel Rahc scare away other mediators within the
>first day," Jean-Luc Picard responded.
Crow: "Why, their table manners =alone=..."
>"You've now worked with them for a couple months total."
> "Yea, and I don't get anything done until I lose my patience,"
>Marrissa said. "Last time I locked them in the room until they agreed
>to something."
Tom: From the way he keeps harping on it I'm beginning to get the sense that
Ratliff actually thinks he's hit upon the solution to any and all diplomatic
disputes.
> "Unique approach, Marrissa," Riker said. "I'll have to remember it."
Mike: Yeah, well, the Unabomber has a unique approach to things too.
> "It worked," Marrissa shrugged.
>
> Late that night as Marrissa was preparing for bed, the third watch
>commander,
Tom: Who watches the watch commanders?
>Lieutenant Alexander Rozhenko called, "Bridge to Captain Picard."
> "Yes, Alex?"
> "The Queen of Essex is calling, Marrissa," the Chief of Operations
>replied.
Crow: Dr. Ruth? Cool!
Mike: Essex, Crow. Essex.
Crow: Aw, that's nowhere near as much fun.
> "Patch her in here," Marrissa yawned.
> Queen Victoria appeared in one of the short lacy dresses she
>preferred.
Nine: More importantly, demographic research showed that they were preferred
by males 18 to 34.
"Sorry to wake you Marrissa."
> "Actually, I was just readying myself for bed," Marrissa said.
>"I assume you are calling about some last minute detail of my wedding?"
> "Actually I'm calling about my problem," the Queen responded.
Tom: "What about =my= needs, huh? When do I get some me time?"
>"I need to get William to propose to me.
Crow: "You're good at crushing the wills of men! What do you suggest?"
>I know he wanted to marry me before I became Queen, I've got the letter my
>Grandfather wrote giving him permission. And after that kiss tonight, well
>those feelings haven't waned in the last decade."
> "Let me guess, you think your position is the problem," Marrissa
>replied.
Nine: "Have you considered something in a female-dominant?"
>"Don't take the way out that one of your ancestors did, I have enough to do
>without a throne."
Crow: Yeah, who needs the burden of no responsibilities whatsoever dumped on
them?
> "I'm not following old Edward VIII of Great Britain," Victoria
>replied.
Nine: Into the grave? Oh, you'll follow him eventually, my dear.
>"I'd end up without a throne or a husband."
> "Then I suggest we make it so he has no choice in the matter,"
>Marrissa said.
Mike: "I'll get the AK-47. Have him strapped to the chair by the time I get
there."
>"In diplomacy, you learn a lot of ways to make sure that all sides get what
>they want.
Nine: "I find lies, threats and appalling acts of brutality work best."
>Of course you have to overrule all of their objections, first.
Tom: "This is easily done by attaching electrodes to their genitals."
>It looks like it's time to get rid of the Prime Ministers objections and get
>him to do what he has been denying for too long.
Crow: You mean come out? Wouldn't that be counterproductive?
> "Perfect," Victoria responded. "I'll leave it up to you to
>arrange the sweeping away of his objections.
Mike: Isn't that what Tonya Harding said?
Tom: Pamela Smart, maybe.
>Essex out."
>
Tom: And so are we. C'mon, let's go.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Crow and Nine are hanging out by the desk. Enter Mike.]
Mike: Have you noticed how Ratliff has a rather scary implicit timeline for
his characters' lives? Everyone discovers their soulmate long before they
reach puberty, they get hitched in their mid-teens or so and then start
poppin' out babies before they hit the big two-oh! By the time they're 25
it's time to start looking into nursing homes.
Nine: I know. Gail Sheehy would have a cerebral hemorrhage.
Mike: Okay, so it's not all bad.
Crow: Well, Mike, not only have we noticed this trend, but I've taken the
liberty of putting together a little production about it! In honor of
Ratliff, I call it "Segassap". Cambot, lights?
[Lights go down, spotlight on Crow and Nine.]
Crow [stammering adolescent voice]: "Gee Marrissa prom sure has been swell!"
Nine [same voice as Crow]: "Let's just say I've had a hard time preserving my
virginity the last couple nights."
Crow: "Marrissa will you marry me."
Nine: "What took you so long Jay."
Mike: Shouldn't there be a question mark or two in there somewhere?
Crow: No. I'm staying faithful to the Ratliff oeuvre.
[Enter Gypsy, wearing a clerical collar.]
Gypsy: "Do you Jay take Marrissa to be your lawfully wedded wife to love
honor cherish obey and worship for as long as you both shall live."
Crow: "I do."
Gypsy: "Do you Marrissa take Jay to be your lawfully wedded husband to
dominate command and toy with as your own personal plaything for as long
as you both shall live."
Nine: "I do."
Gypsy: "Then by the power invested in me by the Federation I now pronounce
you man and wife. Jay you may kiss the bride."
Nine: Lacking any sort of corporeal form, I'll have to skip that part.
Mike: Understandable.
Gypsy: "Let's just say I've had a hard time preserving my virginity the last
couple nights."
Crow: That was Nine's line, Gypse. And she already said it. The scene's
over.
Gypsy: "Oh Marrissa baby you gots a body that just don't quit."
Crow: That was =my= line! Look, let's just skip to scene five. Where's Tom?
Tom [from offstage]: No! I'm not doing this! You can't make me!
Gypsy: "Let's just say I've had a hard time preserving my virginity the last
couple nights."
Crow: Tom, get out here before Gypsy reads that line again!
[Enter Tom, wearing a diaper. He also has a pacifier in his mouth.]
Tom: This is the most humiliating thing you've ever made me do.
Crow: Just read your line.
Tom: *sigh* "Waah! Waah!"
Nine: "And they said I couldn't be a starship captain and have a baby at
the same time!"
Mike: Didn't Marcus Aurelius say something about not siring more than three
children on your wife before she's fully grown?
Crow: No riffing on the sketch, Nelson.
Tom: "Waah! Waah!"
Crow: "And here we are, bound to each other for the rest of our lives and
saddled with a mouth to feed at an age when most kids our age have barely
started college and our acne hasn't cleared up yet! Isn't it great?"
Gypsy: "This message has been brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-Day Saints!"
Crow: Gypsy, we cut that line in rehearsal. Remember?
Gypsy: No one faxed me my script changes.
Tom: Can I take off this stupid diaper now?
Crow: *sigh* I guess. So what'd you think, Mike?
Mike: Let's just say I've had a hard time preserving my lunch the last couple
minutes.
[Lights flash]
All: WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
>Chapter Nine
>
> William Lancaster, Prime Minister of Essex for most of the last
>dozen years, was in his study working on official documents. He paused
>to look at the picture of his desk. It was of Victoria, laughing at
Tom: --"The Family Circus". That Jeffy is a hoot!
>some joke he had made. William wished for the simpler times like
Mike: --the 50's. Back before computers, and ethnic minorities...
>those before she had ascended the throne.
> Not that Victoria had become any less affectionate. In fact, if
>anything she had become more affectionate.
Nine: Though the way she was constantly humping his leg got kind of annoying
after a while.
>It just wasn't appropriate for the Queen to date or heaven forbid, marry her
>Prime Minister ... a fact Victoria couldn't seem to grasp.
> Not that William didn't love Victoria, If it weren't for the fact
>that she was Queen, he would have proposed to her years ago.
Tom: But the second they put the crown on her head, bang, instant frumpy.
>In fact, he had planned to do so the Saturday after the Royal Family
>Reunion. Unfortunately, the Palace got blown up
Crow: "It got blowed up real good!"
>and he attended Victoria's coronation instead.
> Suddenly the sound of a transporter beam filled the air. Looking up
>from Victoria's picture, he caught the dwindling transporter effect
>surrounding the blond Starfleet Captain.
Nine: Actually, that's her divine aura. You can tell by all the seraphim and
cherubim fluttering around.
>Although he had not seen Princess Marrissa since she was 16, it wasn't like
>there was a lot of young Starship Captains who had the remotest of reasons
>to beam into the Prime Minister's study.
Mike: Except for Captain Billy, his "special friend."
> "Princess Marrissa, I presume?" William Lancaster inquired.
> "Correct, Mister Lancaster," Marrissa replied with the practiced
>air of command.
Tom: Yeah, she practices in the mirror for twenty minutes every morning.
>"Although I prefer just plain Marrissa, or that new nickname Jay just came
>up with, Mara and Captain isn't a bad title either."
Mike: "And of course even though my name is McGill, I call myself Lil, and
everyone knows me as Nancy."
> "OK, Marrissa," Lancaster responded. "What brings you to my study?"
Crow [Marrissa]: "Gotta try out the bumper pool table!"
> "A promise I made Victoria," Marrissa said. "Now it's for the
>game show, Justification."
Nine: "Now where's the host? Gene, where'd Bob go? He isn't backstage
feeling up the models again, is he?"
Tom: Help control the game show host population. Have Bob Barker spayed and
neutered.
>Marrissa raised her voice. "Victoria, what will William be justifying
>today?"
Mike: The plot, I hope.
Tom: Sorry. Can't be done.
> Queen Victoria entered the room, and said, "Today William will
>be justifying his lack of marriage."
> "And what is he playing for?" Marrissa asked.
Crow: "A NEEEEEWWWWW CAAAAARRRRRRR!"
> "Love," Victoria stated.
> "Well William, can you justify?"
Tom: "--my love?"
Crow: "Look at the unit on that guy!"
>Marrissa questioned.
> "It wouldn't be right for me to marry the woman I love," William
>replied.
> "And why would that be?" Marrissa inquired.
Nine [William]: "Because I prefer my sex meaningless and degrading!"
> "It's a matter of propriety," William responded. "Their are
>just some people that a Prime Minister can't marry without a scandal."
Mike: I believe we can safely begin the list with RuPaul.
> "Prostitute, Nun, or if your really strict the Queen," Marrissa
>stated. "Please narrow that list down."
> "Well she's not a prostitute,
Crow: "She's a professional escort! There's a difference!"
>in fact I believe she is a virgin," William said.
Nine: I see William has yet to meet the royal pool guy.
>"As for a nun, well she's religious but not that religious."
Tom: "It's basically a sham piety. You know, like televangelists!"
> "That leaves the Queen," Marrissa said. "Well Victoria, it
>looks like we know the hurdle you need to clear."
> "High but clearable," Victoria replied.
Mike: Unless you're Dan O'Neill.
>"How busy has your press office been?"
> "Busy, but I have what you need," Marrissa responded. "Clara!"
> Princess Clara Sutter entered the room on cue. "What is this a
>conspiracy?" The Prime Minister asked.
> "No,
Nine: "--it's an intervention. We've got a car out front waiting to take you
to Betty Ford."
>just family," Victoria commented.
> Looking up at the ceiling, the Prime Minister said, "And I'm
>considering marrying into this family?"
> "The hurdle just lowered," Marrissa announced. "Admitting is
>half the battle.
Crow: I thought knowing was half the battle.
>Now the poll please?"
> Clara began, "20,000 citizens of Essex were asked the following
>question: What would be their opinion of a marriage between the Queen
>and the Prime Minister?
Mike: "Top five answers on the board! Lurlene, you're up first!"
>75 percent said 'Their finally doing it, Its about time.' 24 percent said,
>'You mean the're not already married.' One percent
Tom: --actually knew how contractions worked and refused to appear in this
story.
>had no opinion. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus three
>percent."
> "You realize that by conducting this poll you've made it almost
>impossible for him not to propose to me?" the Queen commented.
Nine: Yeah! Nothing makes you more attractive than displays of overt
manipulation and treating people as if they had no will of their own!
> "I said I'd help you kick him into action," Marrissa said. "And
>I don't do half measures. Come on Clara, I think its time to take a
>look at all those wedding presents that keep arriving." Marrissa and
>Clara left the room.
Mike: "Blender... blender... blender..."
> "So Tory, are you ready to deliver your ultimatum?" William asked.
> "No, I'm just going to give this letter and ask you to read it
>out loud to me," Victoria said.
Crow [William]: "No, no, don't you see? I can't! I can't read! That's why
I couldn't marry you -- it's my secret shame!"
>"I'm sure you remember it, I found it in the to be shredded tray a couple
>days after my coronation."
Nine: "And as you know, private documents are fair game!"
> "It's dated about a week before your ascension," William said as
>he began to read the letter:
>
Mike: "Hmm. 'Best Before 9/26/78.'"
>Dear William,
>In response to your letter requesting the hand of my granddaughter, Lady
>Victoria. We say Its about time. Marry her with my blessing. Just don't
>let her find out until she's in your bed, I have a reputation to keep.
Tom: Uhhh... WHAT?
>Good luck with Tory signed
Crow: --Aaron Spelling.
>George Rex.
>
> "That and that kiss you gave me last night was what made me
>give Marrissa the go ahead," Victoria said, smiling.
> "Meet me by the lily pond in the west garden at 8 tonight,"
>William said.
Nine: "I'll be the one floating face down in it."
>"If I have no more excuses I intend to do everything else right."
> "I will be there," Victoria said and after a quick kiss, she
>left to join her cousins, Marrissa and Clara.
Crow: Why'd she kiss =them=?
Mike: Actually, the kiss was unspecified. For all we know Marrissa and Clara
were kissing each other. You know, like the pool scene in KIDS.
Tom: Jeez, how many KIDS references is that? It wasn't even a very good
movie.
>
> After leaving and checking on the incoming wedding presents,
Tom: You get the feeling Marrissa's the type who calls her answering machine
every ten minutes when she's out of town?
>Marrissa beamed back up to the Endeavor and returned to the bridge.
>"Good morning, Jay," she said entering from the forward turbolift. "You
>should see the pile of accumulating wedding gifts."
Mike: "Speaking of which, I'd better go check them again." *twitch* *twitch*
> "I've heard, we'll be busy for weeks trying to decide what to
>keep," her first officer and husband-to-be replied with a kiss.
Crow: Wow! Stereo!
>"More starships have arrived."
> "Which ones?" Marrissa asked.
> "The Clinton, the Defiant, the Pasteur, and the Gorkon," Jay
>replied.
Mike [singing]: o/~ One of these ships is not like the other, three of these
ships are kind of the same... o/~
> "Captain Chelsea Crusher, Admiral Sisko, Mom's ship, and Captain
>Dax's," Marrissa matched up. "Hail Captain Crusher for me."
> The daughter of President Clinton and wife of Wesley Crusher
>appeared on screen.
Nine: Excuse me? What's Chelsea Clinton doing hanging out with Wesley's
wife?
Tom: *whisper* *whisper*
Nine: WHAT??
>She was holding her month-old daughter, Kasey in her arms, bottle feeding
>her.
Mike: Thank God.
Crow: Now if it were one of the Gore girls it might be a different story...
>"Captain Chelsea Crusher, starship Clinton, how may I help you, Captain
>Picard?"
> "Just calling to see how you and my older brother are doing,"
>Marrissa replied.
> "Fine, except for the fact that little Kasey is keeping us up
>nights," Chelsea replied.
Tom: "Oh, and except for the fact that my presence in this story is
COMPLETELY LUDICROUS!!"
>"I think Wes is beginning to regret his plan to keep me out of away teams."
> "Don't give my first officer any ideas," Marrissa responded.
>"We've got a successful alternating away team rule here, and I don't
>want to ruin it."
> "Trust me, Marrissa, within a year Kasey will have a cousin
Crow: STOP IT! No more harping on Marrissa's imminent pregnancy! I don't
think I'll ever feel clean again.
>and Jay will be leading the away teams," Chelsea replied. "I speak from
>experience."
> "I hope not," Marrissa responded. "Leading Away Teams is one of
>the more enjoyable duties I've had in Starfleet."
Nine: "I mean, blowing starships into so much slag is all good fun, but
there's just a certain something to taking lives with your own bare hands!"
> "Well on the Clinton, that duty is now almost excessively the
>providence
Mike: Oh, Stephen, when will you learn to leave the thesaurus alone until you
learn how to use it?
>of Lieutenant Commander Wesley Crusher," Chelsea said.
> "Where is my brother, anyway?" Marrissa asked.
> "He's over on the Enterprise, discussing something with Captain
>Riker," Chelsea replied. "He was very closemouthed as to what."
Crow: Not to mention foulmouthed.
> "I think it's the bachelor's party," Marrissa replied. "And I
>know for a fact that it won't go as planned if the continue to try to
>hide it from me."
Nine: "I've had every stripper in the galaxy killed and their corpses
dismembered!"
> "How are you going to manage that?" Chelsea asked.
> "Sorry, I can't tell in front of my bridge crew," Marrissa replied.
Tom: "They're all against me! They've got a radio implanted in my brain!"
> "Understandable," Captain Crusher said. "Come over to see your
>new niece, and we will discuss how to ruin parties which tried to hide
>from us."
Mike: "No one may have fun except for us!"
> "I'll be over in an hour," Marrissa replied. "Endeavor out."
> "You wouldn't actually ruin a party, would you?" Jay asked when
>the channel had been closed.
Crow: Are you kidding? She ruins parties just by showing up.
> "Just those that didn't inform me that they were going on," Marrissa
>answered. "If you let me know the time, the place, and some other minor
>details;
Tom: "Where is this party? Dave's house? And will his parents be there?
And what does his father do? And what does his mother do? And how much
money do they make? And will there be boys there? I mean, girls? And no
loud rock music, right? You know I can't stand that loud rock music.
Shameful!"
>I'll leave it alone. Be sure to pass the message along to Captain Riker.
>You have the bridge, Jay. I'll be on the Clinton."
Nine: That's what Paula Jones said.
>
> Meanwhile in the Romulan Strategy Room on Romulus, an officer
>noticed something.
Crow: "Check it out! That Hyundai's going 110 miles an hour!"
>A large number of ships were gathering around the Federation Planet Essex,
>less that a score of light years from the Neutral Zone.
Tom: Umm... doesn't that mean that the ships were gathering there twenty
years ago?
Crow: This is Star Trek, Servo. What do you expect, halfway plausible
physics? Ha!
>He quickly alerted his superiors as to the build up.
Mike: "Captain! Admiral! We need to switch to a new conditioner!"
[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 6]
From: a.cadre1@genie.com
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 03:49:41 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 6/9
[Continued from Part 5]
>Chapter Ten
>
> Gamma Shift (of four shifts) was about to begin on the Endeavor,
>Lieutenant Commander Clara Sutter was getting briefed on the events of
>the day while she had been in Engineering, before taking command.
Tom: "The Federation was taken over by giant talking chickens. Oh, and one
of the shuttlecraft got dented."
>"The Defiant, the Clinton, the Gorkon, and the Stargazer have arrived," Jay
>briefed. "Fleet Admiral Picard has ordered a flyby
Crow: Yo, he gon' show 'em y'all don't mess wit' Picard's posse.
Mike: Word.
>by a select wing of fighters from the Stargazer for the wedding and they are
>practicing, so keep an eye out for any fighter who gets himself into trouble.
>Other than that, everything is normal."
Mike: "We continue to lead dismal lives of quiet desperation."
> "Any word on the arrival of the starship Nova?" Clara asked.
Tom [Jay]: "Taken out of commission. Gingrich killed PBS's funding."
> "Yes, Captain LaForge thinks he has all the bugs solved for now and
>projects an arrival time of about an hour from now," Jay said. "Worried
>about you father being late to your wedding?"
> "Yes, I know all the bugs that the Nova had when it left Utopia,"
>Clara said.
Crow: "It was almost as bad as Windows 95!"
>"Heck I found a couple myself last time I visited Dad. Personally I think
>they underestimated the time it would take to debug a ship that is more than
>twice as long as the Galaxy Class."
Mike: Oh, so it =is= length and not technique that counts.
> "Especially a design that they rushed into production," Jay added.
> "That too," Clara said. "You better get to sleep, Jay. Tomorrow
>is a big day for both of us and unlike me, you need 8 hours of sleep."
> "How many do you need?"
> "Just 4 and a half," Clara replied.
Nine: "The crystal meth takes care of the rest!"
>"Now get to bed before I sic Doctor Johnson on you."
> Jay left the bridge by the forward turbolift, saying, "Beta
>shift is relieved, Clara you have the bridge."
> "You bet I do," Clara muttered.
Crow: Whoa! What does that mean?
Tom: If it means what I think it does, I know whose side =I'm= on!
>
> An hour later, the first, and so far the only Nova Class
>Starship, the USS Nova under Captain Geordi LaForge pulled into orbit.
>Her saucer was an ellipse
Mike: --so Rob Liefeld can't draw it.
>facing like those in the Intrepid Class. Retracted inside, the saucer
>supported Defiant like Warp Engines. However her real warp engines were
>more traditionally mounted on the Engineering hull which started with a
>large defector dish,
Crow: So =that's= why it ran away with the spoon! It was seeking political
asylum!
>one and a half times the size of those on Galaxy Class Starships. It swept
>back like a
Tom: --bad comb-over.
>slightly flattened on the top club with the warp pylons attached mid-way
>back. The pylons attached to the warp nacelles two thirds from the back.
>The nacelles themselves were similar in shape to the ones on the galaxy
>class, but smaller sections of color were seeable.
Mike [intercom]: "Attention, passengers. I regret to announce that we are
going to have to divert this flight to Dallas/Fort Worth, as Denver is
completely fogged in with zero seeability."
>The color itself was unique. The forward tips were bright red like before
>but that's were the similarity ended. Instead of the blue color strip it was
>purple in color at rest but as it produced more and more power that color
>arched up to an orange color.
Crow: WHO CARES? WHO FRIGGING CARES??
[pause]
Crow: Sorry.
> As it drew closer to the Endeavor, another feature was spotted.
Tom: By...?
>The Nova had a large forward facing fighter bay. It wasn't easy to spot
>however with the shell like bay door reminiscent of the old Constitution
>Class Starships. The ID was now clearly readable, USS Nova NX 90000, she
>said
Mike: Who said?
Crow: I dunno. Marrissa, maybe? She talks a lot.
Tom: Maybe it's whoever spotted the other feature.
>as she merged into standard orbit in front of the Endeavor.
> On the bridge of the Endeavor, Clara marveled at the Engineering
>of the ship on which her father served as Chief Engineer. If it were
>for the fact that she wanted to stay under Marrissa's Command,
Mike [Drew Pinsky]: "If anything =I= want to be dominated!"
>Clara would have been doing everything under her power to get in the
>position her father had on the Nova,
Nine: Is that even biologically possible?
>despite the problems the ship had.
> "Incoming hail from the Nova," the tactical officer said.
Tom: Hail, stellar shrapnel, same difference.
> "On screen," Clara ordered. Captain Geordi LaForge appeared on
>screen. Seated comfortably in the Command Chair on the well endowed
>bridge of the Nova,
Crow: I hear it's so well endowed it's been looking into reduction surgery.
>the recently posted Captain of Starfleet's newest pride and joy smiled.
>"Good Evening, Captain LaForge."
> "Clara, Clara, Clara, how many times do I have to tell you, any
>one who helped design the ship I command doesn't have to call me Captain,"
>Geordi LaForge commented.
Tom: "Nor does anyone in my enormous harem of holographic concubines!"
> "I only designed the preliminary warp drive configuration," Clara
>downplayed.
Mike: This non-speech word brought to you by Neal Mentech.
> "Clara, did anyone ever tell you that your too modest?" Geordi
>replied. "Designing an warp drive configuration for a ship this size is
>no easy feat."
> "Marrissa tells me that all the time," Clara answered.
Crow: "Yes, modesty is just one of my many wonderful qualities!"
>"So is my father ready to play his role in my wedding tomorrow?"
Mike: "No, but he's ready to play Hamlet in Winnipeg!"
> "I made sure his dress uniform was clean and ready for him to
>wear," Geordi said.
Tom: "Oh, and I laid his undies out at the foot of his bed."
>"Per your instructions, I'm well aware of his tendency to become buried in
>his work and come up only to eat and sleep."
Nine: What fulfilling lives they all lead.
> "You should be, you are the only one who has commanded him
>longer than I have," Clara replied.
> "Sorry about stealing him from you," Geordi apologized.
> "That's OK, because your going to send me two new assistant
>Chief Engineers," Clara said with a grin.
Mike: "--along with a second-round draft pick and a player to be named later!"
> "Let me guess more ships have been raiding the Endeavor for the
>excellent officers she produces," Geordi said.
Nine: He makes it sound like they're coming out the hind end of a chicken.
> "That and Marrissa raided Engineering to fill the post of Chief
>of Security," Clara replied. "I don't have a single officer that's been
>in Starfleet for over a year now."
Crow: Hey, that's life on the USS Menudo.
> "You do need officers then," Geordi stated. "I'll see that your
>father sends two of our best to you."
Tom: "Let's see-- yup, we've got Stacey Koon and Mark Fuhrman scheduled for
transfer!"
> "Thanks Geordi, I need all the help I can get," Clara replied.
>"How long are you going to be around Essex?"
> "I'm here for a couple days, to load fighters and attend the
>wedding, and however much time it takes to pull this ship out of orbit,"
>Geordi replied.
Crow: "I'm figuring it'll take a few days -- Picard's picking up my room
service bill!"
> "It sounds like you don't trust the Nova," Clara replied.
> "Not until I see all these bugs ironed out," Geordi responded.
>"For instance I discovered on the way here that they loaded bad warp
>speed power conversion tables.
Mike: "Even worse, they had bad UUE conversion tables! My extensive
digitized pornography collection, ruined!"
>I had to put them in from memory."
> "I can transmit my copy of them," Clara offered.
> "No better place to get them than the source," Geordi accepted.
Tom: "That's why I drive fifty miles out of town to go to the outlet mall!"
>"Any changes I should know about?"
> "Warp 12 has been confirmed at the level of scale Starfleet IV
>warp 11.87 just like I told them," Clara said. "Starfleet Engineering
>will probably be revising it's tables within a year."
Mike: About time they fixed that wobbly leg.
> "Personally the Nova runs on the Clara scale," Geordi replied.
>"I'm fed up with their recalibrations every four years because they don't
>believe the article you wrote when you were 12
Nine: You mean "A Scientific Treatise on Why Joey Is the Cutest Lawrence
Brother"?
>or the opinions of almost all of the Engineers out in the field."
> "By the way, check the Journal, I've got a new article on that
>subject," Clara said. "I figured out where 14, 15, and 16 are."
Mike: In this story, that'd be puberty, marriage and parenthood respectively.
> "The Nova will be converting to Clara II, soon as I have time,"
>Geordi replied. "Well I better go make sure my Chief Engineer is
>getting some sleep. If I don't I'm not sure he'd wake up in time to
>walk you down the aisle.
Nine: "I dunno... every single night he makes a big fuss till I read him
'Goodnight Moon'. You think he'd have outgrown it by now!"
>Nova out."
>
> Meanwhile on Romulas, the Romulan Security Counsel had gathered
>to advise the Predator about
Crow: --the fact that Schwarzenegger wouldn't sign for the sequel.
>the Federation build up at the planet Essex. In the room were four Romulan
>Admirals,
Tom [singing]: o/~ Three french hens, two turtledoves... o/~
>a representative of the Tal'shar, and two officers responsible for
>monitoring Federation starship movements, in addition to the Predator and
>his two aides.
> "Well gentlemen, what do we have today," the Predator asked.
Mike: "Looks like crossovers with ALIENS and BATMAN, sir."
> "We have a most serious situation near the planet Essex," the
>First Admiral said.
Nine: I =knew= that Bradwell-on-Sea nuclear plant was operating below code!
> "As serious as the one you brought to my attention last week," the
>Predator asked. "Really I don't think an extra ship on the Klingon border
>was cause for concern."
Crow: "But--"
Tom: "Quiet! I don't =care= if it had really cool vanity plates!"
> "This time it's really serious, my lord," the Second Admiral said.
>"Seven starships are orbiting that planet."
> "So some old Obeth class starships needed to transfer cargo," the
>Predator responded. "Like the ones you pointed out a couple weeks ago near
>the junction of Klingon, Romulan, and Federation Space."
Mike: Oh, yeah, next to the Stuckey's.
> "One of them is the Enterprise," the Third Admiral stated.
> "So, the flagship is in the area," the Predator replied. "Wasn't
>that your complaint a month ago, when it was in route to Earth from Kronos?"
Crow: "Well, sure, but now I've got a new complaint."
Tom [singing]: o/~ For-or-ever in debt to your pri-iceless advi-ice... o/~
> "Another is the Defiant," the Fourth Admiral, Tistek, said.
Mike: Hey, how come he gets a name?
Tom: I wonder if Admiral Throwaway's wandering around here somewhere...
> "What are those ships anyway?" the Predator asked, suddenly
>concerned.
Crow: "They're big spacegoing vessels with lots of people in funny
color-coded uniforms, but that's not important right now."
> One of the monitors spoke up, "The Endeavor, the Enterprise, the
>Defiant, the Clinton, the Gorkon, the Clinton, the Stargazer, the
>Trinity."
> "The Pope's ship, there is a laugh!" the Predator responded.
Mike: It =is= pretty funny how he stands at the window and waves at all the
passing ships.
> "Do not underestimate the power of the religion of the Pope," the
>Tal'shar representative said. "Four times, people have tried to capture or
>destroy the Trinity and all four times those people have not succeeded."
Nine: "One of 'em dented the Holy Spirit a little, but other than that, no
luck."
> "I'll take that fact, under advisement," the Predator responded.
>"Now what are the classes of those other ships?"
Tom: "Proletarian, sir."
> "The Enterprise is an Galaxy; the Endeavor, a Nebula II; the
>Clinton, an Intrepid;
Mike: I'll bet that's the first time the words "Clinton" and "intrepid" have
appeared in the some sentence.
>the Defiant is of coarse its own class; the Gorkon, Excelsior; the Stargazer
>is one of their small carrier class of that name," the First Admiral
>responded.
> "Not very good, five D'deridex class warbirds could do it," the
>Predator began. "If I had decent Admirals, instead it will probably take
>about 8."
Tom: This story isn't very good. Five paragraphs could do it, if it had a
decent writer. Instead it'll probably take about 8000.
> "I take it that your sending in the fleet," the Second Admiral said.
> "Yes, but not under your over reacting command," the Predator
>snapped. "Admiral Tistek, take a dozen D'deridex class warbirds and get
>rid of that build up.
Mike: If only we could get rid of =this= build-up. Hurry it up, already!
Get to the battle!
>I'll leave your little numskulls to put together a plan. And remember if
>Admiral Tistek fails, all four of you Admirals are dead." The Praetor swept
>from the room.
Nine: Wait, that's a typo, right? He meant to type "Predator", right? I
mean, Ratliff couldn't possibly know Latin given his limited command of
English, could he?
Crow: Ah, don't worry. I think it's one of those monkey/typewriter things.
> The Admirals got to work on their plan to eliminate the fleet
>assembled at the planet Essex.
>
>Chapter Eleven
Tom: Their plan is to file bankruptcy?
>
> Doctor Beverly Picard was helping her adopted step daughter get
>into her wedding dress. However Captain Marrissa Picard and the dress
>were not on good terms. "Stop figgeting," the Doctor said.
Nine: "You're not supposed to start figgeting till =after= the wedding!"
>"I swear you really don't like dresses."
> "No doctor, I don't like eliborate dresses which are tight and
>have 45 foot long trains," Marrissa complained.
Tom: I agree. I'd much prefer it if the 45 foot train were barrelling into
her at 180 miles an hour.
Crow: "Why don't they look?"
>"Why can't the bride wear the dress uniform?"
> "Its only for about two hours," the Doctor replied. "Surely you
>can stand it for that long."
Nine: "Two hours? The girls in the locker room said it was more like ninety
seconds!"
> "Yes, but don't tell Victoria, she'll have me attend more of
>those 'garden parties' in them," Marrissa responded. "And Jay thinks
>the dress uniform is uncomfortable."
Crow: Ah, yes, the ol' "polyester vasectomy."
> Queen Victoria poked her head into the room and said, "I heard
>that, Marrissa. I'll be sure to schedule another 'garden party' next
>time you are in the area."
Tom: Yeesh, is there anyone here who =doesn't= spend the whole day
eavesdropping on people?
> "Great, more boring diplomats," Marrissa muttered.
Mike: Boring? You obviously haven't seen Warren Christopher do his Dick
Cavett impression.
> "Why are you complaining, you are the life of the social,"
Crow: The ice cream social?
>Victoria said. "Even with a decade's practice I can't make small talk last
>that long."
Tom: So among Marrissa's many talents is a gift for inane chatter.
Crow: Well, sure, to the extent that a gift for inane dialogue is among
Ratliff's.
Tom: Wow. Now I'm impressed.
> "Don't you have a planet to run?" Marrissa responded.
Mike: Are you kidding? If the royals actually had any governmental
responsibilities they wouldn't have time to boff their riding instructors
and sun their sallow, anemic skin on gravelly private beaches.
Nine: As it is they don't seem to have the time to brush their teeth.
> "Sorry, day off due to accepting the Prime Minister's wedding
>proposal," Victoria grinned.
> "So William finally got up the nerve?" Beverly replied.
Nine: Yeah, that's it. "The nerve." Good euphemism, Bev.
Crow: Well, the older generation isn't comfortable talking frankly about
these kinds of things.
> "You might say that, after Marrissa helped me trap him," the
>Queen replied.
Tom: "He did try to gnaw his own foot off, but fortunately he only made it
through a couple of tendons before he passed out from blood loss!"
> "Tell me more," Doctor Beverly Picard said,
Mike: Uh, we already saw that scene. Any chance we can skip to the next
chapter or... no...?
>attaching the train (the part that would trail back behind Marrissa was
>pined up in a roll to make the procession to the cathedral in the carriage
>a little easier.)
Tom: And what about the part of the train that would get wrapped around her
face? Sheesh.
> "Well, Marrissa got rid of my Prime Minister's last objections by
>informing him of a poll that her press office did, per my request,"
Crow: Looks like Ratliff's vocabulary list this week prominently featured
the word "per".
>Victoria began. "So Bill told me to meet him in the West Garden near
>the lily pond at eight. I arrive just as the sun sets to discover him
>in a black tuxedo with tails. He asked me if I'd care to join him for a
>little walk.
Tom: [shakes head] All these tense changes are making me dizzy.
>I said yes and he lead me to the gazebo were we met a string quartet,
>playing 'Some Enchanted Evening.'
Nine: "Together we beat them senseless and continued on our way."
>As they played he pressed a small box into my hand and asked me to open it.
> "I opened it to discover a diamond ring. Looking up I find him
>on his knees.
Mike: Wow. He must be really tall.
Crow: "I'm huge!"
>He said, 'Tory will you marry me.' I replied, 'Yes, what took you so long.'"
Nine: "And I said it just like that. Completely flat and emotionless."
> "What happened then?" Doctor Picard said after a moments
>silence.
> "He took me out dancing," Victoria replied, her cheeks blushing.
>"We didn't get back to the place
Crow: "You see there was this thing, at the place, with the thing--"
>until 4 o'clock this morning."
> "I'd ask for details, but I don't think Marrissa wants to be
>late for her own wedding," Beverly replied.
> "If I am it will ruin discipline on my ship," Marrissa responded.
Tom: *laugh* You can't say the girl doesn't have priorities.
>"I don't think you want to be responsible for the only ship in Starfleet to
>have a 120% efficiency rating for 5 consecutive months not making 6 months."
> "Heaven forbid," Victoria laughed.
Nine [Marrissa]: "Are you mocking me?"
Mike [Victoria]: "What? No, I was just-- NO! Not the garrotte! AAAGGGGGHHH!
>"Well the carriages await, and so does the public."
>
> Outside the palace carriages were arrayed for the many distinguished
>guest's rides to the cathedral of Saint Paul in Londondairy, Essex.
Tom: What a =cheesy= place to hold a wedding!
Crow: Oh, can you think of a =butter= place?
Mike: Let's not =milk= the dairy jokes to death.
>Among those guests who left first was the ruler of the Klingon High Counsel,
>Luteg and the heir to the throne, K'ta daughter of Ka'less; there was a
>delegation from Cardassian, Legate Dukat and his son Mikor, first officer of
>the Stargazer. Representing members of the Federation there was Laxwanna
>Troi from Betazed, Sel Rahc Crevel from Nevolsia, and General Kira and Kia
>Winn from Bajor.
Crow: "And I see Billy and Tommy and Susie and--"
>From Starfleet there was Admiral Scott, who commanded Starfleet Engineering;
>Admiral Okie of Starfleet Diplomatic; and even the elusive commander of
>Starfleet Intelligence, Admiral Saavik was there.
Tom: --chatting with JD Salinger.
>All of Marrissa's former Captains and Commanding Officers were in a couple
>carriages. Captain T'Gwen Washington of the Stargazer, Captain Riker of the
>Enterprise, and Rear-Admiral Benjamin Sisko,
Crow: Oh, no! The dreaded Rear Admiral! *giggle*
>Marrissa's current Commanding Officer, were all in one carriage. The ailing
>ex-Fleet Admiral Necheyev was in another with Captain Chelsea Crusher and
>her husband and first-officer, Wesley.
Tom: Hasn't anyone around here ever heard of a purely professional
relationship?
> Then came the royal carriages. In the first was Martin Sussex, and
>his mother, the Duchess of Greenwich, Mary. Next came the Queens carriage
Mike: Oh, you mean the E train.
>with her and her fiance, the Prime Minister. Third was Clara's carriage,
>containing her father, Daniel, the Duke of Yorkshire and Clara herself.
>Last in line was Marrissa's Carriage.
Tom: Note that Marissa's Carriage gets a Capital Letter.
>Fleet Admiral Jean Luc Picard helped his daughter up into the carriage and
>then his wife.
Tom: He helped his daughter into his wife? Sick!
Nine: Actually, I think I read a couple of those on
alt.sex.stories.incest.lesbian.
>After Marrissa was seated in her carriage, the procession from the palace
>to Saint Paul's began with the first carriage's exiting the palace grounds.
> Crowds of people lined the route. And flags on the lamp post
>alternated between M & J and C & A in Gold on a blue background.
Mike: And at the bottom of each flag was a big "4ever!!!" in smeared blue
ballpoint pen.
>As the carriages passed by the crowds strained to get a good look at the
>young Princesses, Marrissa and Clarrissa.
Crow: --and their cousin from Massachusetts, Wicked Pissa.
>The Royal Guard, mounted on horseback, had a hard time restraining them.
Nine: From what? Making out?
Mike: I think he means the crowds.
Nine: Oh.
>The going route being shorter than the post-wedding procession route, The
>carriages soon began arriving at the cathedral.
> Marrissa's carriage arrived at Saint Paul's just a minute ahead
>of schedule.
Mike: "Just one lousy minute? That's it! No tip!"
>It may be good luck for the bride to arrive late, but Marrissa didn't want
>her crew to have evidence what so ever that she had ever been late for
>anything. It just wasn't good for discipline.
Tom: You get the feeling Marrissa's the type that washes her hands fifteen
times a day?
>As he father assisted her exit from the carriage, her four train bearers
>waited to make sure the forty-five foot long train was displayed to it's
>fullest.
Mike: I heard some guys in the locker room talking about Marrissa's caboose
the other day. This must be what they meant.
> The day was one that Marrissa was sure that she would remember
>for the rest of her life. The sky was clear, with birds flying over
>head. The black stone gothic church stood adorned in wedding attire,
Tom: --with a veil over the stained glass window and a garter around the
steeple.
>waiting for the brides to enter. So Clara and Marrissa entered, their
>fathers at their sides.
>
> Meanwhile on the Romulan side of the Neutral Zone, A dozen
>Romulan warbirds had gathered. They were ready to destroy the ships
>orbiting the planet Essex.
Crow: "Mr. De Mille, I'm ready for my sneak attack!"
>On the bridge of the flagship, Admiral Tistek stood admiring his fleet.
Tom: That's why they call him the Admiral!
>The Tal'shar representative stood beside him, ready to advise. One of the
>monitoring officers approached. "You have more information?" Tistek inquired.
Crow [tinny]: "What city please?"
Mike: If there's one thing society needs, it's more information.
> "Yes, Admiral," the officer replied. "The starship Nova has
>joined the group of ships. In addition, monitoring Federation Press
>channels have revealed the reason for the concentration of forces.
Tom: "They're trying to figure out one of those magic-eye puzzles!"
Crow: Huh?
Tom: Well, those things take a =lot= of concentration!
Crow: *groan*
>Captain Marrissa Picard, the heir to that world, is marrying her first
>officer.
Crow: "Wh-- you can't marry your first officer! You get babies with nine
heads!"
>Most of the ships gathered have personal connections with her. Her cousin
>and Chief Engineer, is also getting married, the other ships have
>connections with her."
Tom: "And the Foot Ship's connected to the Leg Ship, the Leg Ship's connected
to the Hip Ship..."
> "The wedding is just an facade," the Tal'shar representative
>responded. "In fact, the Tal'shar have recently found out that Captain
>Marrissa Picard is dead.
Nine: Oh, I get the feeling that wouldn't stop Jay.
>And as for the Nova, I wouldn't worry about it. According to our
>information it is suffering from various malfunctions, and still lacks
Tom: "--cable."
>its accompaniment of fighters."
> "Can you confirm the links of those ships to
Crow: "--the Cindy Crawford Home Page?"
>Captain Picard and her Chief Engineer?" Admiral Tistek asked. "I don't
>doubt that it's a facade,
Tom: You can just hear Ratliff thinking "fa-kaid" as he typed that, can't
you?
>but I want to know how clever a one it is."
> "The Enterprise is the flagship, and as such delivered the Fleet
>Admiral, her father," the representative responded. "The Defiant delivered
>the crew of Deep Space Nine which was briefly under Marrissa's Command.
Mike: "--until the cast went on strike in protest."
>The Stargazer was the ship where Captain Picard served as second officer.
>The Gorkon delivered the Klingon contingent, which Captain Picard had
>served as
Crow: --a lovely appetizer!
>the Arbitrator of succession. The Pasteur is Marrissa's step-mother's ship.
>And the Clinton is under the command of her step-sister-in-law. The Nova
Tom: "--is under the command of her mother's stepbrother's adoptive niece's
nephew's first-cousin-once-removed-in-law's former roommate!"
>has the Chief Engineers father on it serving as Chief Engineer."
> "Very neatly done," Tistek replied. "The most powerful ships
>and the most respected Captains in the Federation, all gathered in one
>place, ready to invade.
Crow: Ah, yes, the ever-popular one-pronged invasion.
>Admiral Picard must be working overtime."
> Moving toward the center of the bridge, he ordered, "All ships
>prepare to cross the zone. Yellow alert."
> The Romulan warbirds moved into formation. At the signal they
>began moving forward. Moments later, they cloaked.
Nine: Meanwhile, Jay and Marrissa began their honeymoon. Moments later,
they uncloaked.
[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 7]
From: a.cadre1@genie.com
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 03:49:27 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 7/9
[Continued from Part 6]
>Chapter Twelve
>
> Inside Saint Paul's the bridesmaids and flower girls had
>proceeded down the aisle, and now the organ began to play
Crow: "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"? "A Whiter Shade of Pale"?
>'Here Comes the Bride,' as the first of the two brides, Princess Clarrissa
>Sutter began to proceed down the aisle holding her fathers hand.
Nine: Meanwhile, in the back room, Mr. Sutter clutched the bloody stump of
his wrist and tried to figure out what he'd done wrong.
>Looking at the two, you would have never guessed that just a day before
>both of them had been crawling though jefferies tubes, trying to fix
>problems with their respected ships.
Mike: I think if I were a ship I'd prefer to be loved.
>But Prince Daniel and his daughter Clara, had made a mastery of quick
>change overs as their roles shifted often from grimy Chief Engineer to
>well dressed Prince(ss).
Crow: I take it that's Stephen's attempt to render that weird symbol into
ASCII?
>Her gown was of white satin with fine white lace and golden trim around the
>collar. Her bridal veil covered just barely her face.
Tom: And Ratliff places just haphazardly his modifiers.
>Her father was in his Starfleet dress uniform, freshly press with the rank
>he shared with his daughter,
Mike: She has it Monday through Friday, he gets it weekends.
>Lieutenant Commander, clearly visible.
> After Clara's train had fully entered the church, the second
>bride entered. Captain Marrissa Picard was holding her father, Fleet
>Admiral Jean-Luc Picard's hand.
Tom: *laugh* And tell me, just how many children did his foot sire?
>Her dress was rather elaborate, white satin with embroidered patterns of the
>royal house of Essex's arms,
Mike: "Oh, what a lovely brocade anti-tank missile!"
>and the current Starfleet logo. Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard had been
>forced to wear an representative sample of his
Crow: --urine.
>awards on his dress uniform. Among the medals adorning his uniform were,
>the Order of the Defenders of the Klingon Empire, the Order of the Knights
>of Essex, the Starfleet Metal of Valor with silver palms, and the Federation
>Congress Order of Merit for Saving Earth, all awards which Marrissa shared.
Tom: Of course. She also has a Nobel Prize in Economics, an Oscar for Best
Original Screenplay and two consecutive Heisman Trophies.
> As they approached the alter Clara split to the left and her
>father handed her hand to Alexander. Admiral Picard did the same with
>Marrissa's hand on the right, but of course to Jay.
Mike: Nice save!
>As they settled into their proper places, the Pope began to speak, "Dearly
>beloved, we are gathered here to witness the joining of these two couples,
>Jay and Marrissa, and Alexander and Clarrissa.
Crow: And Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice.
>Is their anyone here who knows of any reason why they should not be joined
>together today in holy matrimony?"
Nine: Because the four of them together barely reach the age of consent?
> There was a brief pause, no one spoke up. Although some in the
>press had objected to Clara marrying a Klingon,
Crow: Ah, I see the National Review is still publishing.
>there had be an immediate overwhelming response saying that she should marry
>who ever she pleased, so no one objected today. After the pause, the Pope
>continued, "As their are no objections, I ask, Clarrissa Ann Sutter,
>do you come of your own free will
Nine: "Are you kidding? If I could do that I wouldn't need this guy!"
>to take this Alexander Rozhenko as your husband, for richer, for poorer, in
>sickness and in health, till death do you part?"
> "I do," Clara responded.
> "And do you Alexander Rozhenko take this Clarrissa Ann Sutter
Tom [Alexander]: "No, I think I'd rather have that one over there."
>as your wife, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death
>do you part?" the Pope asked
> "I do," Alexander replied with gusto.
Crow: My feelings are more akin to disgusto.
> As per arrangement, he then went to the second couple, and
>asked, "Marrissa Amber Flores Picard, do you come of your own free will
>to take this Jay Alan Gordon as your husband, for richer, for poorer, in
>sickness and in health, till death do you part?"
Mike [Marrissa]: "Well that's just silly! =I= can't die!"
> "I do," Marrissa responded solemnly.
> Then the Pope asked Jay, "Do you Jay Alan Gordon, take this
>Marrissa Amber Flores Picard as your wife, for richer, for poorer, in
>sickness and in health, till death do you part?"
Nine [Marrissa]: "He does! Now get on with it!"
> "I do," Jay said with a smile.
> "Bring forth the rings!" the Pope ordered. Nine-year-old
>Nicholas Picard came forward with the rings
Mike: --but suddenly turned and ran and hid behind a stack of hymn books.
>which were tied to a pillow by the names of each of the people who were
>about to receive them. (Necessary because every one of them had different
>ring sizes.)
> "Gentlemen, take the appropriate rings and repeat after me," the
>Pope began, and after a moment continued.
Tom [Pope]: "No, no, Alexander, don't eat it--"
>"With this ring I thee wed."
> "With this ring I thee wed," Alexander and Jay said almost
>together as they slid the rings on their brides fingers.
Crow: It's Automatic Double Tracking!
> "Now Princesses, repeat the procedure," the Pope ordered.
> "With this ring I thee wed," Marrissa and Clara said with the
>practiced unity of two people who said things in unison allot,
Mike: They're the Federation's answer to Rockapella.
>sliding the ring on their new husbands.
Nine [Marrissa]: "I'll just put this around your neck, dear. Now where's my
leash?"
> "I pronounce you husbands and wives," the Pope proclaimed. "You
>may now kiss the bride."
> Jay lifted up Marrissa's veil and Alex, Clara's. Both men began
>passionate kisses of their new wives to the applause of those gathered
>inside the church.
Mike [Pope]: "No, no, Marrissa-- not here-- put that back on--"
>
> Meanwhile, in orbit of the Planet, Ensign Patterson Supra was
>enjoying his first command of a starship since graduating from the
>Academy. Having been a Kid's Crew Captain, he knew both the joys and
>pressures of command.
Tom: Comfy chair: good. Bleeding ulcer: bad.
>He was only eighteen years old, but he knew more about commanding starships
>then most of the people left in command of the starships orbiting the
>planet, with the exception of the monk that Pope Gregory left in command of
>the Trinity, a former starship Captain who disenchanted with Starfleet
>entered the monastery, only to end up as one of Pope Gregory's starship crew.
Crow: Ah, the irony.
Mike: Even =Ratliff= has a better grasp of what irony is than Alanis
Morissette.
> Knowing that a starship Captain should be well informed about
>everything that is happening nearby
Tom: --even if that means wiretapping people's phones, opening their mail,
hiding in their closets...
>and having some experience in command of the Enterprise, Ensign Supra was
>the only one who was monitoring the Romulan border among those orbiting
>Essex. He was the only one that saw the Romulans warp toward Essex, and
>then cloak. After double checking the recording, he decided that he better
Crow: "--nuke 'em! Get them before they get you!"
Mike: He's Starfleet's answer to Alexander Haig.
>call his Captain. Looking at the time he saw that the wedding was probably
>over by now so he had no qualms about calling Captain Marrissa Picard of the
>Starship Endeavor.
Crow: "Yeah, Ah figger now that she's got that weddin' outta th' way she'll
purdy much have the afternoon free!"
Tom: This guy seems to have weddings confused with the buffet lunch at
Shakey's.
>
> Marrissa was just about to make the run through the rice to the
Mike: --last helicopters out of Saigon?
>carriage and the ride to the palace, when her communicator beep.
>"Endeavor to Captain Picard," it said.
> "Picard here," she replied. "This had better be important
>Patterson."
> "It is," Patterson replied.
Crow: "Where do you keep your Bactine? I got a paper cut!"
>"The Romulans are headed this way, a dozen warbirds, ETA ninety minutes."
> "Standby, Patterson," Marrissa said. "Dad! Tory!"
> Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard and Queen Victoria of Essex pushed
>though the crowd moving into position to throw rice at the exiting
>couples. "What is it Marrissa?" her father asked.
Nine: "Jay keeps touching me! Make him stop!"
> "Apparently the Romulans have chosen to ruin my wedding day,"
>Marrissa replied.
All: *wild cheers*
Crow: I'm moving to Romulus tomorrow.
>"A dozen warbirds are on course to Essex."
> "Let me guess, you need your schedule rearranged so that you can
>go get rid of them," Queen Victoria said.
Mike: "Well that's just tough! I'm paying these caterers three hundred
dollars an hour and I'm not going to sit there and watch them serve
shrimp balls and artichoke dip to each other!"
>"I'll see too it, and I'll get any Starship Captain I see to recall their
>people to their ships."
> "Tell them that it's an order from the Fleet Admiral," Picard
>said. "We'll do the battle arrangements via a conference call.
Crow: "While we're at it, sign me up for that Star-69 thing! And call
waiting, gotta have the call waiting!"
>Now Marrissa, please tell me that you have a plan for the defense of Essex."
> "I do," Marrissa replied. "It involves the use of one Nova class
>Starship, one Galaxy class, one Nebula II class, one Defiant class, one
>Excelsior class, one Hope class, one Stargazer fighter carrier, one
>Intrepid Class, and one ship commanded by the Pope."
Mike: "It also involves a frisbee, three racquetballs, a 40-ouncer of malt
liquor and a rhesus monkey."
> "How is it that you have a plan that fits us so exactly?"
>Admiral Jean-Luc Picard asked.
> "Simple, I knew someone would try to ruin my wedding day,"
>Marrissa replied.
Tom: "I assumed it'd be Dustin Hoffman, but Romulans'll do in a pinch."
>"And planned accordingly. So which ship do you want to be aboard?"
> "Yours, you haven't scratched a starship yet," her father responded.
> "Captain Picard to Endeavor, recall all personnel," Marrissa ordered.
>"Myself and the Fleet Admiral to beam up, procedure delta one five."
Nine [tinny]: "We're sorry, Delta flight one-five has been cancelled. We
can transfer you to America West flight two-thirty-nine leaving from Gate
14, though."
>
> Captain Marrissa Picard materialized on the bridge of the Endeavor
>with Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard. Captain Picard had materialized with
>only the veil and tiara of her wedding dress remaining.
Crow: Oh, wow! Nothing livens up a story like gratuitous nudity!
>The rest had been replaced with a Starfleet Captain's uniform.
Tom: Uh, when exactly did she get a chance to change? Isn't that kind of a
tricky thing to do in mid-teleport?
>She quickly removed the tiara and veil and moved toward the center seat.
>"Report, Patterson," she ordered.
Mike [Patterson]: "No change in interest rates this quarter! Three killed in
South Side shootout! Unseasonably cold temperatures to continue through
Thursday! In sports, Cubs lose their fifth straight!"
> "Roughly five minutes ago I was monitoring the Romulan side of the
>Neutral Zone with the Endeavors enhanced sensor array," Patterson reported.
Nine: And I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the girls' locker room
happens to be located in the area. Uh-huh.
>"I detected a dozen Romulan warbirds on a direct course
Tom: [does double-take] Whoa! Check it out -- Ratliff spelled "course"
right! This is getting scary!
>to Essex. As they neared the border they cloaked. I just received a report
>form the border that our tachynon web detection grid has been sabotaged."
> "I told Admiral Cen'tal that his security was too lax," the
>Fleet Admiral commented.
Crow: He must be using Netscape.
> "Status on returning officers?" Marrissa asked.
> "All members of the Endeavor's command crew are on their way to the
>bridge," Patterson replied. "Currently no one is assigned as security
>chief."
Tom: And they wonder why they have problems with security. Yeah, Starfleet's
a reeeeal bright bunch.
> "Get Shayna up here to man that," Marrissa replied. "Patterson,
>take the helm. Hail all the other starships."
>
> Meanwhile down on the Planet, Queen Victoria was beginning to
>address the crowd. "Ladies and Gentlemen,
Nine: "--and I mean only the ladies and gentlemen -- you plebes can crawl
back to your hovels--"
>due to a Starfleet Emergency Princess Marrissa and her crew and those of
>the other starships in orbit are needed aboard their ships," she began.
>"Therefore we are rescheduling some of the events. The rice throwing will
>occur
Tom: "--shortly before our fiery deaths!"
>before they leave for their honeymoons in front of the palace, after
>the reception. The reception will begin once the Emergency ends.
Crow: I knew that in the event of an actual emergency we would receive news
and instructions. But I had no idea this is what they meant.
>The post-wedding procession, in a slightly altered order will be their route
>out of the city following the reception. The reception will be held in the
>Royal Palace's Enterprise wing, invitation only."
Crow: Looks like Nine was right about the plebes.
Nine: Hey, do I know the British or do I know the British?
> She concluded her remarks with a request, "If anyone has seen
>Jackie Picard, please see me, I seem to have lost track of her." At
>that the eleven-year-old flower girl tackled the Queen from behind.
Tom [John Facenda]: "But for Queen Victoria and the Green Bay Packers, there
would be another day."
Mike: For us too, I hope. Can we go?
Tom: Yup. C'mon.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Crow is at the desk wearing a pair of enormous pointy ears.]
Crow [British]: "For some reason I wish I were a tampon, even though I know
it is not logical." Heh heh. Hello! I'm Crow T. Robot. You may have
noticed that in today's experiment, half of Starfleet seems to be composed
of members of the Essex royal family. So we thought it might be fun to see
what it might be like if Starfleet were made up of real royals!
[Enter Tom. He is painted yellow and is wearing a frumpy purple hat.]
Tom [flat British falsetto]: "I calculate that there is a 99.59588% chance
that I represent an archaic, exploitative political system that caused
misery and hardship for countless millions over the centuries."
Crow: Wow! That sounded completely flat and emotionless! Way to go on the
Data impression!
Tom: Who's Data?
[Enter Nine and Gypsy, wearing tiaras and big teeth. Nine's hair is redder
than its usual Marrissa-blonde.]
Gypsy [British]: "Here we are on a gravelly British beach! My empathic
senses tell me that there aren't any tabloid reporters around -- let's take
off our tops!"
Nine [British]: "Good idea! I have my SPF 240 sunblock right here so our
pasty skin doesn't get scorched!"
Crow: Okay, that's not bad, but Nine -- could you go a little chunkier?
You've got too much Gates McFadden in there and not enough Fergie.
[Enter Mike, wearing a shapeless granny dress. He looks about 170 years old.]
Mike [elderly British falsetto]: "Hath anyone theen my falth teef?"
Nine: Who're you supposed to be?
Mike: The Queen Mum. Can't you tell?
Nine: I mean, which Starfleet officer?
Mike: Well, let me do my other line. "And hath anyone theen... my hairpeeth?"
All: Shatner!
[Yellow light flashes]
Nine: We'll be right back.
Mike: "Make it tho!"
[Commercials]
[Continued in Part 8]
From: a.cadre1@genie.com
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 03:49:36 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 8/9
[Continued from Part 7]
[Back in the theater.]
>Chapter Thirteen
>
> The Great Conference Battle Strategy Call had just begun.
Mike: MCI stock shot up thirty points within the first fifteen seconds.
>Hailing from the Endeavor were Captain Marrissa Amber Picard, and Fleet
>Admiral Jean-Luc Picard. From the Defiant, Rear-Admiral Benjamin Sisko;
>from the Enterprise, Captain William T. Riker; from the Gorkon, Captain
>Jadzia Dax; from the Stargazer, Captain T'Gwen Washington; from the Nova,
>Captain Geordi LaForge; From the Pasteur, Captain Beverly Picard; from
>the Clinton, Captain Chelsea Crusher; and from the Trinity, Pope Gregory
>the twentieth.
Crow: Hold on... I think I can make out Waldo in there somewhere...
>"Welcome to the Romulan's wedding present for my daughter," Admiral Picard
>said.
Mike: Hey, it beats a blender.
> "Then, someone needs to tell them what is appropriate for a
>wedding present, Admiral," Captain LaForge replied.
Tom [LaForge]: "I was thinking maybe a nice monogrammed silverware set. What
do you think, Worf?"
Crow [Worf]: "Silverware is not honorable!"
> "I really wish some one would," Captain Riker replied. "They
>gave me a battle for my last birthday."
Mike: "And here I had my heart set on that Soloflex!"
> "We can pray that they learn proper etiquette," the Pope
>interjected. "but I'm afraid such prayers would help us little in our
>upcoming battle."
Nine: "After all, everyone knows there's no such thing as God! Er... I
mean... oh, dear..."
> "True, so I asked Starfleet's leading tactical expert to come up
>with a plan," Admiral Picard said. "Marrissa, your plan please?"
Crow: "Well, I think I'll put my flag in the corner, surround it with bombs,
and then keep a few Sevens around in case some Miners break through the
front line!"
> "The odds are 12 Romulan ships verse our seven ships," Marrissa
>began. "Not fair ... for them. Before I begin I need to know some
>things. Captain LaForge, fighter status on your vessel?"
> "All 500 loaded, pilots at alert status," LaForge replied.
Mike: All 500 pilots are loaded?
Nine: Yeah, that sounds about right.
> "Captain Washington?" Marrissa asked.
> "28 at launch readiness, 15 at alert status," Washington reported.
Tom: "And seven kind of drowsy."
> "That should be all," Marrissa said. "The Endeavor, the Defiant,
>the Enterprise, and the Gorkon will be our first wave, which will attempt
>to damage as much and as many warbirds as possible.
Crow: Damage as much warbirds?
>The second wave will be the fighters from the Nova and Stargazer, 45 to 46
>fighters per warbird. Make strafing runs and watch out for return fire and
>other ships and fighters, it's going to be close out there.
Mike: Heh. Reminds me of how back in junior high we only had one indoor
basketball court so on rainy days we'd end up playing like 16-on-23 or
21-on-27.
Crow: Uhh... that's nice.
>The third wave will be the Stargazer, the Clinton, and the Nova, Captain
>LaForge, you may separate your ship at your discretion.
Tom: You mean he can run away if he gets scared?
>The fourth wave will be the first plus the Trinity and the Pasteur.
Crow: "Oh my God! We're being invaded! Quick, send in the Red Cross and
the Roman Catholic Church!"
>The Trinity and Pasteur's goals are to keep them from leaving. The Pasteur
>is also to test that shield design that you've got,
Nine: "If it doesn't work and you get blown up, let me know."
>pick up any fighter pilot who's craft is disabled. During the fourth wave's
>attack any reloading that the fighters need is to be done. From the fifth
>wave, if needed, on the Second, Third, and Fourth waves are to be repeated.
Crow: Yeah, yeah, shampoo, rinse, repeat! We've =got= it, Marrissa!
> "If by chance, the first wing is followed during the switch
Tom: Jimmy Smits.
>over between them and the second wing, the Trinity and Pasteur are to assist
>in clearing them of opposition," Marrissa said.
Crow: "The party of the first part shall be held liable for infractions
against the party of the second part up to and including but not limited
to actions constituting breach of contract as assessed by the party of the
third part..."
>"I doubt the Romulans will follow the second, the third wing will be cleared
>of opposition by the arrival of the fourth and the same their after."
> "Any comments, Captains, Admiral's, and Pope?" Marrissa asked.
Mike: "Uh, yeah. If they come out in a 4-3 formation should we audible to
a stunt reverse, or--"
> Their were none, so Admiral Picard said, "The Endeavor will be
>my flagship. Chain of Command is myself, Admiral Sisko, Captain
>Marrissa Picard, Captain Riker, Captain LaForge, Captain Washington,
>Captain Beverly Picard, Captain Crusher, Captain Dax, and last the Pope."
Crow: "Then the Secretary of State, the Secretary of Defense, the Secretary
of the Treasury, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, all other Supreme
Court Justices, all federal judges, all postal workers, all sanitation
workers, and then Dan Quayle."
> "Ah, my preferred position," the Pope responded.
Tom: What the hell does that mean?
> "Now ladies and gentlemen, we wait for our late wedding guests,"
>Picard said.
> "Truly, I don't know them," the Pope said. "But I think I'll be
>a lot more harsh to these wedding guests then the groom in the parable.
>They were only late, these are trying to force their way in."
Crow: Gregory Part XX: He's Tanned, He's Rested and He's Ready to Kick Some
Romulan Ass!"
> "And this planet doesn't take kindly to people forcing their way
>in," Marrissa, Heir to Essex responded.
Mike: You mean like pushy Starfleet officers?
> "First wave attacks at the number one, Endeavor out," Captain
>Picard said.
> "Dad, do I have permission to give our regards to the Romulans when
>they arrive?" Marrissa asked. "I do hold the position of Commander in Chief
>of the Essex Space Defense Force, as meaningless as the title may be."
Tom: "Meaningless? Why, that entitles you to a free pig every month!"
> "I'd be delighted, Marrissa," Admiral Picard said. "It might
>even convince them to leave, with your reputation."
Nine: So she's one of those girls with a rep!
> "I don't think my reputation as a starship captain is strong enough
>to cause them to go running," Marrissa said. "I'm no James T. Kirk."
Crow: Yeah, Shatner has a better sing-along album.
Nine: You haven't lived till you've heard Marrissa's rendition of "Wind
Beneath My Wings".
> While Marrissa had been discussing battle plans, her command
>crew had quietly arrived and were beginning to take their stations. As
>she noticed Alexander taking his station, she turned around and asked,
>"Ships status?"
Tom [Alexander]: "AHH! Don't =do= that!"
> "All personnel aboard," her first officer and husband, Commander
>Jay Gordon replied.
> "Warp, Impluse, and Thrusters available," her chief engineer and
>cousin, Lieutenant Commander Clara Sutter-Rozhenko responded.
Nine: "Mmm... thrusters... no, after the battle! =After= the battle!"
> "Phasers and Photon Torpedoes on-line and awaiting your order,"
>Lieutenant Shayna Sachs, acting-as-a Chief of Security informed.
Mike: Sounds more like she's acting as a Time-Life operator.
> "Tractor beams, ready; scrabbled tight beam communication
Tom: Hey, that's good for a triple-word score!
>channels arranged with a code change rotation set for every three
>minutes," her Chief of Operations and husband of her Chief Engineer,
>Lieutenant Alexander Rozhenko informed.
Mike: Is there any way we could just get a program or something so Ratliff
doesn't have to keep repeating everyone's title and family relationship?
> "Helm ready for orders," Ensign Patterson Supra informed.
Tom: Really? I thought you needed to spend more time in the novitiate!
> "Shayna, scan for signs of incoming Romulan vessels," Marrissa said.
Crow [Shayna]: "Sure, okay-- oh my God! Marrissa! The Romulan vessels are
coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE!"
>"Link up with the Essex Detection Network."
> "Detection Network?" Admiral Picard asked.
Tom [Marrissa]: "Yeah, Viacom's got it sharing space with the Golf Channel
now."
> "I told the Prime Minister that one would be advisable when they
>started to produce fighters," Marrissa replied. "Essex is of more
>strategic importance than we let on."
Mike: That must be why the Danes invaded in 991.
> "EDN has detected signs of Romulan Warbirds hiding at 0 mark 0
>distance 200 kilometers," Shayna informed. "A dozen such are defined."
Crow: "--mostly as adverbs."
> "Alexander, hail the Romulans for me," Marrissa said. "Shayna,
>turn up the lights so we can see them if you will."
Tom: Marrissa's just dumb enough to think that if they can't see her, she
can't see them.
> "A dozen full yield torpedoes ready at your command," Shayna replied.
> "Full yield?" Admiral Picard inquired.
> "I don't do half measures," Captain Marrissa Picard said.
Mike [Picard]: "But-- =full yield= torpedoes? Those'll destroy everything
in this sector! Including us!"
Crow [Marrissa]: "Shut up, old man! There's no room for wusses in my army!"
>"They will either answer my hail, decloak to prevent their destruction, or
>be blown to pieces.
Nine: "Of course they'll be blown to pieces in any case, but we have to keep
up appearances!"
>In any cause, sneaking up on someone is not nice. Of course that doesn't
>prevent me from using such tactics, but they will regret trying to do them
>on me."
Crow: Jesus! She makes Stalin look like a chapter director for Amnesty
International!
> "A dozen warbirds decloaking," Shayna informed.
> "The leading warbird is hailing us," Alexander said.
> "On Screen," Marrissa replied. Admiral Tistek appeared on the
>bridge of his flagship, standing proudly.
Mike: "Look, no hands!"
>"This is Captain Marrissa Amber Picard of the Federation Starship Endeavor,
>as head of the Essex Defense force, heir to this planet, and as a
>representative of Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, I must ask you what
>you are doing with a dozen heavy armed warbirds inside the Angelica System.
Crow: Uhh... the backstroke?
Mike: Ba-dum-bum.
Crow: Thank you, I'll be here all night.
>If you've come for my wedding, your a little late."
> "We did not come for some mythical wedding," Admiral Tistek
>said. "We came to destroy you."
Tom: Wait a minute! I thought the reason he didn't believe in the wedding
was because he thought she was dead! If he knows she isn't dead, why does
he still doubt the wedding?
> "I'd advise against that," Marrissa replied. "I am offering you
>one chance to withdraw."
Mike [bored]: "Stop. *bang bang* Stop or I'll shoot. *bang bang bang* I'm
warning you."
> "We choose to destroy you," the Admiral replied, defiantly.
> "Sorry, not an option, Endeavor out," Marrissa replied.
Nine: "Y'know, normally I'd spend more than fifteen seconds attempting to
find a peaceful solution, but I haven't killed anyone in almost three whole
weeks!"
>"Alex, send first wave. Patterson, coarse 0 mark 2 full impluse, evasive
>pattern rotation four, Mozart Symphonies.
Mike: "Uh... things a captain would say in a bad piece of fanfic!
Meaningless pseudo-military technobabble! Pass!"
>Shayna target warbirds as we go by. Clara, I want as much power as possible
>deverted to phasers."
Crow: "Life support? Who needs life support? I want those Romulans crispy-
fried!"
> "Aye, Captain," Clara, Alexander and Patterson replied in unison.
Tom: Commanding a ship is so much easier when your crew is comprised entirely
of pods!
>
> The Endeavor lead the Defiant, the Enterprise, and the Gorkon
>toward the Romulan formation. The Endeavor ran right down the center,
Crow: --and took it to the hoop for two!
>firing at each as it past over the top of the vessels. Although all of
>the Romulan vessels were of the same class not all of them were in the
>same condition.
Mike: All Romulans are equal, but some Romulans are more equal than others.
>The second warbird they passed blew up in a blaze of glory
Nine: Ah, glorious carnage.
>as the Endeavor fired down it's length. Turning slightly to the left she
>began strafing two more as the other starships reached the Romulans.
Tom [singing]: o/~ Ten twenty thirty forty fifty or more, the bloody Red
Baron was rollin' up the score... o/~
> The Enterprise went down the left flank of the Romulan formation
>firing on each in turn. The Defiant did the same to the right flank,
>destroying the first vessel to the right of the point man. The Gorkon
>ran do the middle, hitting the vessel at point and strafing the two
>vessels that the Endeavor had turned from in favor of those to the port.
Crow: I'm betting that when Marrissa watched the Odessa Steps sequence of
BATTLESHIP POTEMKIN she rooted for the Cossacks.
>
> "Turn us around Patterson," Marrissa ordered. "Take us up the
>right flank of the formation."
Nine: "I think I might have missed a few women and children!"
> "Alexander, have the second wave begin their run," Admiral
>Picard ordered.
>
> The Endeavor arched around behind the Romulan forces, then
>began speeding back along the Romulan line. She fired shot after shot
>at the warbirds as she passed. Torpedo after torpedo impacted the
>Romulan shields.
Crow: Special fight choreography courtesy of Demetrius Pietz!
>No ship escaped unharmed from the power of the Starfleet vessels. Meanwhile
>the Romulan disrupter fire danced off the full shields of the Nebula II
>class starship.
Mike: I think it's a pretty safe bet Marrissa has her Nintendo set on
permanent "god mode."
> As the Endeavor moved along the right side of the Romulan front,
>the Gorkon did the same on the left and the Defiant and the Enterprise
>went up though the middle. As they cleared the Romulans they were
>greeted by the incoming fighters.
Crow: "Hi! Welcome to Essex! Can I get your coat?"
>As the first wave retreated to a safe distance, the fighters began to do
>their job.
Tom: Good. The last thing this country needs is more fighters on welfare.
>Chapter Fourteen
>
> On the bridge of the Romulan flagship, things were not going well.
Crow: It was like a Washington Generals' locker room.
>"Status of fleet," Admiral Tistek asked.
> "The Bloodfire and the Distructor have been destroyed," an aid
>replied. "The Relentless has suffered complete shield failure. Most
>ships report that shields are down to half."
Tom: Ooh, the suspense. Ratliff probably thinks DIE HARD would've been a lot
more exciting if Alan Rickman had been killed off in the first reel.
> "Move the Relentless to the rear," Admiral Tistek ordered.
>"Form up for a counter attack."
> "Small craft incoming," the Romulan tactical officer said.
Mike: "Small craft"... yeah, that's a pretty accurate summary of Ratliff's
writing skills.
>"Five hundred fifty of them."
> "Five hundred fifty shuttles, where do they get five hundred
>fifty shuttles," Tistek muttered.
Crow: Umm... Price Club?
>"Oh well, their just cannon fodder. Take out the shuttles at your leisure."
>
> Meanwhile, Admiral Picard was receiving reports as to his fleets
>status.
Tom: Copycat! I suppose if Tistek jumped off a bridge you would too?
> "The Enterprise reports shields at 70 percent, but they think
>they'll be up to 100
Crow: Yeah, that's what you said about soybeans! I lost 50 G's on that tip!
>before they're sent in again," Alexander informed. "The Gorkon's shields
>are at 50 percent with the same comment. The Defiant reports shields at 90
>percent."
> "Clara, status of Endeavor?" Marrissa asked.
Mike [Clara]: "Hmm? Oh, we've got a major hull breach. I figure about five
seconds before we're sucked into the screaming void of space."
> "Shields at 80 percent, but we've developed a small drop in
>shield efficiency in the aft portside area," Clara replied.
Tom: This story's giving me a pain in my aft portside area.
>"Request permission to go and personally track it down."
> "Granted," Marrissa replied.
Mike: Filling in for Slim Pickens tonight is Clarissa Ann Sutter-Rozhenko!
>
> Meanwhile the fighters were having some fun with the Romulan
>warbirds.
Crow: "Whee! Wholesale slaughter is fun!"
>They dodged right, left, up, and down, avoiding Romulan disrupter fire. So
>far only two ships had been hit and it looked like the fighters would soon
>even up the score. Seven wings of seven fighters bore down on one Romulan
>warbird.
Tom: "As I was going to St. Ives I met a fleet with seven wings, and every
wing had seven fighters..."
>The Phaser fire was intense. The shields of the warbird flared, then
>collapsed, enabling a wing to run a quick pass along the
Crow: --far sideline for a touchdown! Gotta love the run-and-shoot!
>Romulan warp engines. As they retreated to a safer distance, another
>warbird was pushed closer to the doomed Romulan. The doomed ship exploded.
>The pieces hit the other Romulan. As the fighters retreated a little more
>the second Romulan exploded.
Tom: Doh!
Mike: Wow. I've never actually seen anyone pick up a seven-ten split before!
> Then the fighters began retreating to their rendezvous point.
>The third wave was on it's way. The Nova, the first of it's class and
>the Stargazer, the first Federation fighter carrier in 90 years were not
>ships to laugh about.
Nine: Don't worry, Stephen. We're all too busy laughing about your sentence
structure.
>The Nova was top of the line with four torpedo bays and 26 phaser arrays
>when docked. Its saucer warp engines glowed with contained power, power
>which it was about to release on the Romulans.
Crow: Whoa! Save it for the honeymoon scene!
>The Stargazer was nothing to laugh about either.
Mike: Ratliff suddenly seems awfully paranoid about his ships being laughed
about.
Tom: Let's all spend about three seconds psychoanalyzing that one, shall we?
>Its three warp cores gave it power to spare and it was by no means
>defenseless
Nine: Ratliff, on the other hand, is by all means defensive...
>with it's 13 phaser arrays when it's fighters were away.
> The Nova, the Clinton, and Stargazer closed on the scattered Romulan
>forces, firing at warbird after warbird. Soon the Nova began to make
>Romulan ships into it's namesake, as first one, then two, and finally three
>ships died under the phaser fire of the largest ship in Starfleet.
Crow: Not to mention the wackiest!
>The Stargazer didn't destroy any warbirds, but it made sure that soon it's
>Captain would only be gazing upon the stars instead of the Romulan menace.
>The Clinton also failed to take any warbirds out, but Captain Crusher
>managed to knock out the sheilds on several before being ordered to withdraw.
Mike: However, the crews of both ships received a number of fabulous parting
gifts.
Tom: "A food processor! I've always wanted one of these! And what's this?
The ROYAL WEDDING Home Game! Fan-tastic!"
>
> "Ready for fourth wave," Admiral Picard ordered.
> "Alex, I want finger
Crow: Oh, I'll give you the finger, all right!
>threes, " Marrissa said. "Defiant, Gorkon, Pasteur, push them towards
>Endeavor, Enterprise, and Trinity."
> "All ships acknowledge," Alexander replied.
Mike: A couple years from now when they bring him up on war crimes charges
I'm sure he'll say he was just following orders.
>
> The Nova and Stargazer retreated toward their fighters, to pick
>them up
Tom: "Hey, baby, live around here much?"
>and ready them for reloading, the Clinton guarding their backs.
Nine: Funny, I've always found Clinton to be mainly concerned with guarding
his own back.
>The Romulans attempted to follow, but found the Defiant, the Gorkon and the
>Pasteur in their way. The three fully charged Starfleet vessels forced the
>five remaining Romulan warbirds into retreat, toward the Endeavor, the
>Enterprise and the Trinity. The Pasteur fired a hard volley at one Romulan,
>to distract it while it recovered a damaged fighter pilot. The blast caused
>the Romulan to go nova, like it's comrades before it.
Crow: Distracted, dead, same basic idea.
Mike: I've found that corpses don't really have lengthy attention spans.
> Then the Romulans ran into the waiting threesome.
Nine: Kinky.
Crow: Hey, I think I rented this! Next the gardener wanders in and the fun
=really= starts!
>The Enterprise, and the Trinity both destroyed a warbird. The remaining
>Romulan took off, like a bat out of hell.
Mike: How does Ratliff come up with these fresh, innovative metaphors?
>The Gorkon shot after. The experience of the 338 year-old Trill was too
>much for the warbird and the Romulan was quickly shot down.
Tom: I'd attribute it less to experience and more to the lack of compunction
to cravenly shoot someone in the back.
>
> After the last Romulan was finished off, Fleet Admiral Picard
>said, "I believe we have a Wedding Ball to attend, although after this
>battle it might as well be called a Victory Ball."
Crow: I'll make sure to order a case of Victory Gin.
> "I believe so, but that does mean I'll have to get into an
>elaborate dress again," Marrissa replied. "I wish I could wear the
>dress uniform like the guys get too."
Nine: Thanks for sharing, Elly May.
> "Personally Marrissa, I think your lucky," Jay responded.
Crow [Jay]: "You get to drape yourself in those soft, feminine fabrics... oh,
the feel of angora against your skin... so supple, so... exciting..."
>"You don't have to put up with this ridiculous collar."
Tom [Marrissa]: "Oh, you'll get used to it soon enough. Now where did I put
my cuffs...?"
>
> Down on the planet, Queen Victoria had just been notified of the
>victory against
Mike: --Eurasia? Eastasia?
>the Romulans. The non-Starfleet guests had returned to the Palace and the
>crowds had filled the square below the Royal balcony.
Crow: Marrissa then had them loaded into trains and driven into the sea.
>The Queen stepped out on to the balcony and surveyed the crowd below.
Nine: "Wh-- these are peasants! Filthy, disgusting peasants! Where's my
handpicked cast of professional extras?"
>It was a subdued crowd,
Crow: Ah, Clippers fans.
>worried about the battle that had gone on above their heads, worried about
>their Princesses and their new husbands, worried about their own heads.
Mike: Every single one of them was preoccupied with the question of whether
to switch to a dandruff shampoo.
> The Queen moved forward to speak, "My loyal subjects, I bring
>you good news.
Tom: "The chocolate ration has been raised from thirty grams to twenty!"
>Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, father of our beloved heir, has informed me
>of the results of the battle against the Romulans. All the Romulans are
>dead, with only minor losses." The crowd began to cheer.
Mike: "Hurray! We're responsible for genocide!"
Nine: "And as for our sons and daughters who gave up their lives just so
Marrissa could satisfy her unquenchable bloodlust -- well, they had to go
sometime! Hurray!"
>"The Princesses and their husbands will be returning to Essex for their ball
>before going off on their honeymoon."
Crow: I thought they were supposed to wait until =during= the honeymoon for
that...
> Moments later, Princess Marrissa, and her husband Jay, and Princess
>Clarrissa and her husband Alexander matterialized on the balcony. The crowd
>cheered for thier defenders, thier well loved Princesses.
Nine: Oh, we'll see about that soon enough.
Crow [Jay]: "Hey, I'm under enough pressure here!"
>They cheered for the people who had given Essex a reason to be proud.
Mike: They're almost as proud of Marrissa and company as they are of their
concentration camp directors.
Tom: They're cheering now, but I wouldn't want to be around for the Two
Minutes Hate.
>They cheered for the Captain, the Heir to the throne on Essex, whose deeds
>made them proud to be citizens of a planet which boasted such a brave
>Princess.
Tom: "Brave"? Crushing a vastly outclassed force is "brave"? Conspiring
with the top dozen officers in Starfleet to wipe out one deluded crackpot
is "brave"? Firing on and destroying fleeing ships full of relative
innocents is "brave"?
Nine: Well, you have to understand. Desert Storm is the only war Ratliff
has ever known. He's been brought up to believe carpet bombing is heroic.
>They cheered for Captain Princess Marrissa Amber Picard,
Mike: "Marrissa"? I don't believe I'm familiar with that character. Who's
she?
>hier to the throne of Essex, Princess of Halifax, Duchess of Londondairy,
>the much decorated captain of the Starship Endeavour.
Mike: Oh, okay. Thanks.
[Commercials]
[Concluded in Part 9]
From: a.cadre1@genie.com
Date: Fri, 19 Apr 1996 04:20:06 GMT
Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Subject: MSTing: A RATLIFF WEDDING 9/9
[Continued from Part 8]
>Chapter Fifteen
>
> After leaving the balcony, the newlyweds made their way to the
>ball room. Already, most of the guests had arrived. The Klingon
>contingent was discussing Starship Tactics
Nine: Don't these people have any =hobbies=?
>with some of the Chiefs of Security from the assembled Starfleet vessels.
Tom: Some assembly required. Batteries not included.
>Glinn Dukat Mikor and his father Legate Dukat were discussing the merits of
>the newest one seated Essex fighter, the Essex-10-D with Captain LaForge and
>his fighter commander, Lieutenant Commander Matt Grubb.
Mike: He's not a bad pilot, but his hygiene could use some work.
>Martin Sussex, Earl Flores, was talking with Counselor Troi about the
>possible problems that could arise from the marriage of his commanding
>officers.
Tom [Troi]: "Wait for the first time a dispute breaks out on the bridge and
then watch the dishes fly!"
> Entering the room, Marrissa announced, "Sorry we're late, but
>some Romulans thought that now would be a good time to take Essex. I
>had to explain their error with a rather large bat."
Crow: "Ah yoozed mah lucky baby-seal-clubbin' bat!"
Mike: Sports metaphors make genocide even more fun!
> "That's OK, Marrissa," Commander Dukat Mikor replied. "We
>certainly didn't want them to attend in such a mood."
Tom: I know comedy equals tragedy plus time, but it's only been five minutes
since the slaughter!
> "Since we are a little late for a reception line, Clara has
>suggested that we hand out the cake," Marrissa said. "I've been waiting
>to see what Guinan and Mary have come up with in the way of cakes, any way."
Crow: "And it better damn well be crammed full of strawberries!"
> At that Guinan spoke up, "In that case, the wedding cakes are
>behind that curtain."
Mike: Pay no attention to the man... there.
>The curtain was drawn back revealing the wedding cakes for both couples.
>They were shaped like the Starship Endeavor, right down to the hull markings.
Tom: And they tasted just like the Endeavor, too!
>Not only that but they were big,
Mike: Well, Marrissa's was, anyway. Alex and Clara's was the size of a
matchbox.
>the saucer itself was a good 5 feet across
Tom: They must have some mighty big cups around here.
Crow: I knew Marrissa loved her coffee, but this is ridiculous!
>and it's thinnest dimension was two inches, the thickest being over six.
Crow [Jay]: "Hey, I'm under enough pressure here!"
Nine: Even the cake is conspiring to make Jay look inadequate.
>Standing on the upper arch of each cake were miniatures of the the newlyweds.
Tom: Great, Marrissa action figures.
>"Only the upper arch and the saucer are cake, so don't try to cut the warp
>engines."
Mike [Alexander]: *crunch* *crunch* *gulp* "Oops."
> Then Marrissa noticed a small error in the design,
Crow [Marrissa]: "Who put cloven hoofs on my figurine? Is this someone's
idea of a joke?"
>"Guinan, I don't know about you but last time I checked the Endeavor's
>registration wasn't NCC-1701-E," Marrissa noted.
> "OOPS," Guinan muttered. "Force of habit."
Mike: *groan*
Tom: What?
Mike: Get it? Guinan, Whoopi Goldberg, SISTER ACT, "force of =habit="...
Tom: Umm... I think you're reading =way= too much into this.
> "Oh well, Captain Riker has been accusing me of wanting his
>chair since he got it," Marrissa said. "I don't think he will mind me
>borrowing his registration, will you Captain?"
Crow [Riker]: "Nope! Why don't you just take my testicles while you're at
it?"
> "Not at all Marrissa, I'm almost done with the Enterprise
>anyway," Riker replied.
Tom: He makes it sound like a gym towel.
> "So their is truth to the rumors," Captain T'Gwen Washington
>said. "Captain Marrissa Picard may get your chair then."
Crow [Riker]: "I dunno about that, but I sure wouldn't mind her grabbing my
seat! Hyuk hyuk!"
> "Tell me Captain, can you find any other person more worthy?"
>Riker asked.
Mike: More worthy, yes. More likely to kill you if you don't submit to her
will, no.
> "To tell the truth, no," Washington replied. "Her record makes
>all of ours look like cadets fresh out of the Academy, some place she's
>never been, and she's only been a Captain for 4 years."
> "Hey, I taught Tactics 240 during summer school at the Academy
>the year I turned 17," Marrissa replied.
Crow: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP TRYING TO ONE-UP EVERYBODY!
WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE ABOUT YOUR GODDAMN RESUME!
Mike: Hey, Crow, settle down. It's almost over.
Crow: Never until now did I understand how anyone could hate a person enough
to sodomize and dismember their corpse.
Nine: Crow, one word: Therapy.
>"So that no longer applies."
> "Their are some rather hungry Klingons over here," Luteg son of
>Nomed said, from across the room. "If you don't mind I'd rather like to
>have some cake."
Tom [Luteg]: "A fresh, dripping carcass would be even better, but cake'll do
in a pinch."
> "Who am I to deny the leader of the Klingon high counsel?" Marrissa
>asked as she walked over to the cake. "Who forgot the knife?" she asked
>after looking for one.
Crow [Marrissa]: "Oh, wait, now I remember -- I buried it in Riker's back."
> "I knew I was forgetting something," Mary daughter of Guinan said.
> "Perhaps my knife may be of service," Luteg said, handing over
>his Klingon knife. "I always keep it clean, it would not be good for
>an enemy to die because of a disease your blade has spread."
Mike: Uhh... right.
Tom: And as on every festive occasion, the talk soon turns to pestilence.
> "I don't doubt it," Marrissa replied. "And Im not going to use
>the only other blade I've seen in this room. That ceremonial sword of
>my cousin Victoria is just too dull."
Mike: Much like this story. Ba-dum-bum.
> "You mean she hasn't given up on giving out titles?" Jay replied.
> "Yes Jay, she has a title for you, and Alex as well," Marrissa
>replied.
Crow: Prince of Posture!
>"So you better get used to the idea. Members of the Royal Family of Essex
>don't take no for an answer."
Nine [Jay]: "Really? Well, I'll just keep that in mind the next time you say
you have a headache."
> "At least I can say I tried," Jay replied as they began passing out
Crow: --from the bus fumes?
>the cake.
>
> After all the cake had been passed out, Queen Victoria marched
>to the center of the room and said, "While you all are eating, I've got
>some titles to give away.
Tom: Whee, door prizes.
>Sir Jay Gordon, please approach and kneel, or do I have to have Marrissa
>bring you over?"
Mike: Oh, =that's= what the choke collar's for.
> With a look of resignation, Jay walked up to the Queen and kneeled.
>"For meritorious service to Essex, I hereby grant you the title Duke of
>Aberdeen.
Crow: "We've had an opening there since the Royal Electrician found the last
one alone in his Seattle home with the remains of his head embedded in the
back wall!"
>Rise my Duke," Victoria granted. After Jay had stood, she continued.
>"Alexander Rozhenko, please approach and kneel."
> Alexander approached, much more willingly than Jay, but then
>Alexander hadn't seen the frustration that some of Marrissa's titles had
>given to her.
Nine: Yeah, all those privileges with no responsibilities can be so
frustrating.
>"Alexander, son of Worf, for your devoted service to both Essex and the
>Federation, we hereby grant you the title Duke of Wellington, a title so
>graciously lent to us by the King of Great Britain, King George X.
Mike: Any relation to Malcolm?
>In addition we also knight you. Rise, Sir Alexander, Duke of Wellington,"
>Victoria said.
> Meanwhile Jay had made it back to his wife's side. Marrissa
>whispered into his ear, "That wasn't so bad, was it."
Nine: A question Jay would echo later that night.
> "No, but I reserve the right to change my mind based on future
>troubles that that title may incur," Jay replied.
> "Don't worry, I've got all the titles with duties attached,"
>Marrissa replied.
Tom: "You're just a figurehead! I just needed to make sure there'd be
someone to take the fall for me in case my years of corruption are
discovered!"
>"The most you could end up with is regent in the event of my having a child,
>dying,
Crow: Oh please please PLEASE let this be foreshadowing.
>and Victoria dying without heirs."
Nine: Gee, I thought =we= were supposed to be the ones supplying the dark
commentary.
Tom: And as on every festive occasion, the talk soon turns to death.
> "I don't want to even think about it," Jay replied. "One death
>scare in a life time is enough for me, I sincerely hope that you out live
>me."
Crow: That makes one of us.
Mike: I see Ratliff's been reading WHITE NOISE lately.
>
> After performing the traditional dance with the father of the
>bride, it was now time for the most looked forward to part of the
>evening, the tossing of the bridal bouquet and garter.
Tom: Hmm. A gerundial clause in a sentence with no subject.
Nine: So?
Tom: Well, who exactly was dancing with ol' Jean-Luc?
Nine: Everyone. He's like Tralala in LAST EXIT TO BROOKLYN.
>First the young females gathered behind Clara. Among them were Lieutenant
>Shayna Sachs, Laxwanna Troi, and Marrissa's half-sister Jackie, who
>discreetly placed her eleven year-old self
Mike: --next to her three-year-old id and her fifty-year-old superego.
>on the side opposite of her mother, Captain Beverly Picard so she wasn't
>caught. Clara tossed the bouquet over her head, right into the waiting arms
>of her former second,
Tom: Yeah, I hear Clara's big on the duel circuit.
>Lieutenant Shayna Sachs.
> "I told you it would go right to Shayna," Alexander said.
> "I should have known better than to bet against you, my son,"
>Worf replied. "Here's you money, just don't spend it all in one place."
Crow [Alexander]: "Don't worry! I'm planning to spend it on booze =and=
pornography!"
> "Alexander Rozhenko," Clara admonished. "How dare you bet on
>such a unlikely event. There are two dozen unmarried females in this
>room, each of which had the same odds."
Tom: Then... Alex's choice was no more unlikely than any other! Doesn't
Ratliff think these things out at =all=?
Crow: *snort*
> "Yes, my love, but none who habitually catch things you drop or
>throw," Alexander grinned.
Tom: What?
Mike: Ratliff's characters have a whole different sense of what constitutes
humor. It doesn't translate well into our culture.
Tom: So the French think he's a genius?
Mike: No, but I hear he's big in Kyrgyzstan.
> Now it was Marrissa's turn, Jackie still hadn't been noticed at
>the edge of the crowd of unmarried females.
Crow: Notice he can't say "women" because most of them are still years away
from reaching their teens.
>The bouquet went up in the air. It hit a lighting fixture
Tom: Doh!
>and bounced down, right into Jackie's waiting arms.
Nine: Then the chandelier, loosened by Marrissa's wild throw, dropped from
the ceiling right onto Jackie's waiting head.
>As she caught the bouquet, Captain Beverly Picard finally noticed Jackie's
>location.
Tom: I thought Jackie caught the bouquet, not Beverly!
Mike: She did.
Tom: But, grammatically... oh, forget it.
>"Jacquelyn Marie Picard, what are you doing over there," the Doctor's voice
>rang out.
> "Catching my sister's bridal bouquet," Jackie replied.
Tom: I find her bouquet wonderfully fragrant, with just a touch of currant.
> "Jackie ..." her mother began.
> "Doctor, I see nothing wrong with my little sister catching my
>bouquet," Marrissa said. "It's not like she dove in front of every one
>to catch it.
Crow [Marrissa]: "--like I would've done! She didn't even elbow anybody in
the face!"
>In fact, I believe that her odds of catching it were the worse of any of the
>females behind me."
> "Don't try to give her an excuse to get out of a direct order,"
>Doctor Picard replied.
Nine: Reason clearly isn't going to work, Bev. I think it's time to haul off
and belt her.
> "Doctor, I believe when it comes to my wedding, such things are
>mine to decide.
All: MRRROW!
Crow: Ffft! Ffffft!
>So I asked Jackie to be sure to join the single ladies, after all she is a
>single lady," Marrissa said.
Mike: No, she isn't! She's a child!
Tom: I think we've just discovered the flaw in Ratliff's logic responsible
for all this needless horror.
> Thus placated, Captain Beverly Picard returned to her seat beside
>the Fleet Admiral. Jackie then came up to her older sister and whispered
>into her ear, "Thanks for covering for me."
> Marrissa whispered back, "Cover, what cover?"
Nine: "I genuinely believe you should be married off before you reach
puberty!"
>Epilogue
>
> After the reception, Captain Marrissa Picard and her husband Jay,
>and her cousin Clara and her husband Alexander, entered two open carriages.
Tom [singing]: o/~ Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry... o/~
>They proceed off the Palace grounds though a sea of thrown rice.
Mike: Whoa, suddenly we're back in the present!
Crow: It's like FORREST GUMP.
>Then they began a procession though the city and which would eventually lead to their
>honeymoon accommodations, Marrissa's own residence, and in Clara's case, the
Tom: --local Motel 6.
>Royal Hunting Lodge.
Nine: Alexander likes it when all the dead animal heads watch.
> The crowds were out in force to see the Princesses and their new
>husbands as they proceeded in the twilight around the city. As the sun
>set behind the mountains, the carriages split up to take their newlywed
>couples to their accommodations. Soon Marrissa's Castle
Mike: Oh, you've got to be kidding.
Crow: Marrissa's Castle? Hey, I think I got up to level thirteen on that!
>peeked up from behind the trees. It was located on a peninsula, in the
>middle of a large garden. The west side was designed like a traditional
>castle, complete with a moat and drawbridge.
Tom: The other side looked more like an International House of Pancakes.
>The carriage crossed the draw bridge and drew to a stop in the courtyard.
> "Thank you, Jenkins," Marrissa said, after Jay helped her down
>from the carriage.
Mike: That's an awfully odd nickname! Well, whatever works...
>"Put the carriage in the carriage house and the horses in the stables, and
>then you may have the next couple days off."
> "Thank you your highness," Jenkins replied.
Nine [Marrissa]: "No problem! It's the least I can do for cancelling your
health benefits!"
> "No titles Jenkins, now get to work," Marrissa said as she and
>Jay walked over to the main entrance. As they reached the large double
>doors, they opened.
Crow: Eww! Internal organs everywhere!
>Suddenly, Jay picked Marrissa up
Tom: "Hey, baby, live around here much?"
>and carried her across the threshold. "Traditionalist," Marrissa accused.
> "The castle got me in the mood," Jay said.
Crow: Wait till he sees the tower!
> "It's not that traditional," Marrissa replied. "Just look at
>the living room."
Nine: Let's see... he copied the bar from "Cheers", so I'm betting he
copies the living room from... "Friends", you figure?
Mike: Nah. Not Ratliffian enough. I'm thinking "Full House".
> "Lead on, I think I need a full tour anyway," Jay replied, as
>they proceed down the cavernous and very traditional main hall.
Tom [rabbi]: "Without tradition, we are nothing!"
>Marrissa then turned into a nearby door
Crow: How surreal.
>which slid apart like those on the Enterprise. Inside the room was the
>Enterprise.
Mike: Gahh!
>More precisely, it's bridge with a couple modifications to make it a
>suitable living room.
Mike: Hmm. I see she put in a wet bar.
Tom: Nice coffee table, too. Ikea, you figure?
>"Now I see why your living room is the reason Captain Riker thinks you want
>his chair."
Crow: You mean the battered dummy of Riker hanging from the ceiling fan?
> "And half the fleet is ridiculing his reason," Marrissa replied
>as she moved toward the leather couch which occupied the command area.
Nine: Great. Half a millennium into the future and they're still
slaughtering cattle to make upholstery.
>Turning toward the main veiwscreens's location, which was a large east
>facing window. she continued, "So far as I know, he and Chelsea are the only
>StarFleet Captains who have seen this room and no one will believe him."
Tom: "That's why I call it the Snuffleupagus Room!"
Crow: Riker and Chelsea? NOOOOOOO!!!
> "Poor Riker," Jay replied. "I assume this castle has
>everything."
Nine: "You know, whips, chains, a rack, hot oil..."
> "Yes, Jay and I believe the bedroom is accessible via that
>turbolift," Marrissa smiled.
Mike: Eugh. Okay, I admit, I'm a little queasy. But I guess that wasn't so
bad. Let's go, guys.
>
Mike: Oh, no. No. No, no, no...
> That night was a rowdy one at Marrissa's Palace, the first of
>many such nights.
Crow: Aw, no, he's going soft-core! Where's the money shot?
[stunned pause]
Mike/Tom/Nine: CROW!
Crow: What? Oh, like you weren't thinking the same thing.
>In fact that very night, Captain Marrissa Picard, Princess of Essex
>conceived a child.
All: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Tom: Oh, the humanity! The =humanity=!
Nine: Once upon a time Jay and Marrissa loved each other very much, and then
one day...
Crow: Wait till alt.sex.stories.pedophilia gets a load of this!
Mike: Y'know, maybe Senator Exon was right...
>
>But that's another story ....
Tom: And we're going to make sure Dr. Forrester never comes anywhere =near=
that other story. Let's get the hell out of here.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL. Crow and Tom are playing some kind of board game. The board is black
and studded with little white stars; placed in careful formations on the
board are red and blue tokens in the shape of starships. Nine looks on
skeptically. Enter Mike.]
Mike: What's all this?
Crow: Mike! Speak of the devil. We were hoping you'd show up! We've got
the ROYAL WEDDING Home Game all ready to go and all we need is for you to
roll the dice! I'll be playing the Federation, and Tom's playing the
Romulans.
Tom: According to the rules, I go first! Umm... okay, my ships attack your
ships. What now?
Crow: Okay, you roll two dice. Mike? [Mike jiggles the dice in his hand.]
According to the ROYAL WEDDING Battle Sheet (tm), you need to roll at least
a 140 to inflict any damage. And the roll comes up...
[Mike rolls the dice.]
Crow: Five, three... eight! Sorry, no damage. Now I counterattack. Mike,
roll fourteen dice, please. [Mike grabs a handful of dice and rolls them.]
Ten, twenty, carry the one... fifty-nine! Now, according to rule 73b, I get
to multiply that by ten thousand because Marrissa's on my side, and then
subtracting your defense strength, that means... okay, I wiped out fifty-
eight thousand nine hundred and ninety-eight of your ships.
Tom: But... I only have twelve.
Crow: Then I guess I win, huh? What do you think, sir?
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: Ah, but you forget, Bumblebee! Now that you've defeated your putative
opponent, read what you've won!
[SOL]
Crow: Okay... "Congratulations! Or, should I say, 'Congraduations!' You
have just won the ROYAL WEDDING Home Game! Your name will go down in the
annals of history. However, as Stephen Ratliff is the chronicler of said
annals, it will be misspelled." Hey!
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: That's right! I've got a database of the top ten players right here.
I'll just put you in at #1... "COW T. TOBOR".
[SOL]
Crow: Doh!
Tom: Stephen Ratliff. The only way to win is not to play.
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: You said it! Now for a relaxing game of Global Thermonuclear War.
Let's see. "The Soviets have launched a first strike. Do you push the
button?" Why, yes, I believe I--
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---O--- Fwshhhh!
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
MST3K and all its characters, etc., are Copyright 199x Best Brains. I'm
not a Best Brain. On a good day I'm barely even an Above Average Brain.
This MiSTing is in no way endorsed by Best Brains. Chances are they'd be
sickened and horrified were they to read it. Nevertheless, it may be
distributed freely as long as it's in its entirety and this notice is
intact. (As opposed to, say, Marrissa's hymen.)
MiSTed by Adam Cadre (MSTie #59588), a.cadre1@genie.com, April 1996. Any
comments, questions, remarks, laments, retorts, rebukes or recriminations
are more than welcome. If you enjoyed this MSTing, hie ye hence to the
Ratliff MSTing archive at http://rtt.colorado.edu/~barklage/mst/mst.html --
it features MSTings by Chris Mayfield, Mike Barklage, and many more!
> "Lets just say that I've had a hard time preserving my virginity
>the last couple nights," Marrissa replied.