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MSTed: "A Royal Mess," part 1
by Suzanne Schroeder
(1..2..3..4..5..6...)
(Opens with shot of Tom and Gypsy talking with eachother. No one else is
around).
Tom: So, you know, I was watching MTV this morning and heard that Lisa
Loeb song again.
Gypsy: Wow. It's been 1010 years since its been released.
Tom: Yeah, you'd think they'd take it out of the buzz bin by now.
(Crow comes walking in)
Crow: Hey Tom and Gyps, I had the weirdest dream last night.
Tom: Yeah? So Can it wait?
Gypsy: "London, Can You Wait?"
Tom: Hey, good one. "What's the Story, Morning Glory?"
Gypsy: "Hairdresser on Fire!"
Tom: "Say it ain't so."
Crow: Cut it out!
Tom: Never heard that one.
Crow: Stop! I had a dream...
Gypsy: Martin Luther King Jr.?
Crow: Geez, you people. I guess I'll tell Mike. Where is he?
Tom: We hadn't seen him since we blasted his underwear out of the Airlock.
Don't go near him. He seems really cheesed.
(Someone, obviously not Mike walks out looking confused.)
Joel: What the hell?
The 'Bots: (all running around) Joel!!!!
(commercials)
Tom: So, Joel, you have no idea how you got here?
Joel: No, I was walking out in the Outback fending off Yahoo Serious.
Apparently, he thinks I've got Hollywood connections, and, well, I
thought the alligator burger I had wasn't agreeing with me but,
apparently that's not it.....
Crow: By the way, has anyone seen Mike?
(lights flash)
Joel: The Mads are calling. Maybe they can clear this up.
(Deep 13)
Frank: Joel?!?! What are you doing there?
(SOL)
Tom: Hey, we thought that you took off with Torgo.
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: (walking up) Cut it out you two, this isn't A Very Brady Reunion.
Frank: Then, what is it?
Dr F.: Nostalgia. You see, Red Dog and O'Doul, what is a more maniacal
thing I can do than warp the fabric of space and time?
Frank: Give Jeff Foxworthy a sitcom?
Dr. F.: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
(SOL)
Crow: So, what'd ya do with Mike?
(Deep 13)
Dr. F.: I put him in Limboland.
(SOL)
Joel: You put him in pergatory? Even you can't do that...
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: Who said anything about pergatory? I put him on the defunct Comedy
Central show. Well, I had to do something evil to him! Anyway,
this is a practice run. I haven't decided what I would do with
this power, but it looks good on a resume. Well, to continue
with my perfect day, Space Ghost, let's do the invention
exchange. I'll go first. Set it up, Frank.
Frank: Uh, well, I just got here...I don't know how it....
Dr. F.: Great. I have to do everything. As you know, Mr. X, everything
for you is unhealthy. People are rebelling against the health food
trend and loading up on junk food. I'm jumping the bandwagon as
people rebel by making even unhealthier food. I'm starting out
with breakfast. Why not start out the day on the wrong foot?
So, I put a twist on old breakfast favorites: Cereals! Here we
have the sugary favorite: Frosted Asbestos Flakes.
Frank: Hey! Destroy your bloodsugar and your lungs in one swoop.
Dr. F: (laughing) Yes, then recall the innocent days of youth and
Halloween with Cinnamon Apple Razor flakes. And then there's Compost
Crunch, and Hairy O's.
(SOL)
Tom: I don't believe this.
Joel: Nice to know you haven't changed.
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: Thank you! I'm already enjoying our party. Say, Frank, that gives
me a great idea. Let's celebrate.
Frank: You mean a Bay Watch Marathon?
Dr F: No, even better. I thought that for the first time in our history,
we would throw a party down here and you can invite anyone you want.
Frank: Great! Finally I'll get to see what a party is like!
Dr F: Well Joel, since I know you always have a store of inventions, I'm
sure you won't have any problem doing the invention exchange....
(SOL)
Joel: Uh, yeah. I do happen to have something here. Mine deals with the
concept that many women are shortening their calve muscles by wearing
heels and end up not feeling comfortable in normal sneakers. So,
I came up with a shoe that looks like a sneaker and feels like a heel!
(Deep 13)
Dr. F.: I think they call them Air Jordans. Anyway, Friend of P, let's
continue the fun. As Leonard had part VI, so do the Marrissa
stories. Yes, it's another Ratliff masterpiece. It's aptly
titled: A Royal Mess. Have fun!
(SOL)
All: RATLIFF?!?!?! (Lights flash) We've got movie sign!
(6..5..4..3..2..1..)
>_________________________________________________________________
>| ___ STAR TREK |
>| ___....-----'---`-----....___ THE NEXT GENERATION |
>| ========================================= -------------------|
>| ___`---..._PA_RT_...---'___ The Marrissa Stories |
>| (___) _|1|5|_ (___) |
>| \\____.-'_.---._`-.____// A Royal Mess |
>| ~~~~`._ `---' _.'~~~~ by Stephen Ratliff |
>| `-----' |
>|_______________________________________________________________|
Crow: Oh *great* special effects...
>|SIXTH Story in the Series by Stephen Ratliff
Joel: Isn't 6 the number of the devil?
>Epilogue
Tom: Wait, doesn't the epilogue come after the story?
> "Marrissa, you are too busy for a girl your age," Admiral Picard
>said, entering his daughters room to find her working at her desk.
> "Most girls my age aren't Starfleet Lieutenants or heirs to the
>throne of some planet," Marrissa responded.
Joel: A planet with apparently no name.
> "True but even so you have to much work, especially paper work,"
>Jean-Luc Picard said. "And your room is simply not the place for it."
Tom: What paper work? They've got computers for that for crying out loud.
> "Where else am I going to do it?" Marrissa asked.
> "How about your office, across the hall," her father replied.
Crow: (Marissa's voice) But I hate to commute.
>"And I'm sure your new Yeoman will reduce your load some what."
Joel: I thought yeomen were farmers.
> "I never thought you would agree to it," Marrissa said of her
>asking for an office.
> "I hadn't been in your room that much until last night when I
>found you asleep writing a report at your desk," Jean-Luc Picard said.
>"After I put you to bed.
Joel: (Picard)...I read your diary and snooped through your underwear drawer.
>I contacted Commander LaForge and pulled up a
>file you made titled Marrissa's perfect office.
Tom: (snicker) *ahem*
Crow: (as Picard) I also took the liberty of adding in extra Holly Hobby
wall paintings like I did with your room.
>You'll find that Geordi
>followed your plans exactly or I will know why."
Tom: ...or I will try Bud Dry.
>The last was said in
>such a tone to mean that he would not be pleased with Geordi LaForge if
>their was any deviance from Marrissa's plans.
Crow: Picard has become one of those fat-assed parents who show up at PTA
night and ask why their child isn't getting straight A's.
> "Thank you Dad," Marrissa said giving her father a hug.
Joel: I'm waiting for Alan Funt to walk in.
>"And
>you defiantly are right
Tom: I don't know why he needs to be so defiant about it.
> I'm too busy. I think that I will leave this
>rewrite of my evaluation of Lieutenant Szustakowski until tomorrow. After
>all it's not needed for another month."
Tom: It's never too early to become a workaholic.
> "In that case, would you care for a little sword practice?"
>Jean-Luc asked.
Joel: Shame on you, Ratliff!
> "I'd be delighted, Dad." Marrissa replied.
> Life returned to normal aboard the Enterprise and in the Picard
>family quarters. Until, the next problem that is.
Crow: Just like Full House.
> But that's another
>story ...
>The End.
Tom: That was it?
>The whole story will be reposted right before the new story Time Speeder
>next Thursday.
All: Aaauughhhh!!!!!
--
>Stephen Ratliff Computer Scince Major, Radford University.
Tom: I went to Radmiata University.
>sratliff@runet.edu Author of the Marrissa Stories
Crow: So, what we've heard about Marissa Tomei was made up.
>Matainer of the FAQ Status of Recently Posted Stories on a.st.c.
Joel: I wonder why he was given this job.
Tom: Maybe it's the equivalent of being a waterboy.
>home page : http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
Crow: This confirms it, folks, he is in college.
>"... but someone has to pay for what's happened here, and I don't want
>that someone to be ME." -Gul Dukat ST:DS9 "Defiant"
Tom: Oh, so you're making us pay for this mess?
>Subject: A Royal Mess 1/4
>From: Stephen Ratliff, sratliff@runet.edu
>Date: 12 Oct 1995 19:24:34 GMT
Joel: Seen it.
Crow: Taped it.
Tom: Slept through it.
>
>_________________________________________________________________
>| ___ STAR TREK |
>| ___....-----'---`-----....___ THE NEXT GENERATION |
>| ========================================= -------------------|
>| ___`---...SECTION...---'___ The Marrissa Stories |
>| (___) _|_1_|_ (___) |
>| \\____.-'_.---._`-.____// A Royal Mess |
>| ~~~~`._ `---' _.'~~~~ by Stephen Ratliff |
>| `-----' |
>|_______________________________________________________________|
Crow: What are all those stray lines? Try setting your right margin.
>|SIXTH Story in the Series by Stephen Ratliff |
>Contains parts 1-5 (1 posting)
> Prologue - Chapters 1-4
Tom: Whan that aprille perced soote....
>
>This story is Dedicated to
Joel: The one I love.
>
> Sandra Ratliff, my aunt.
>
> and
>
> The English Teachers of Cave Spring High School
Crow: This is what your education dollars are doing for you!
> Especially,
>
> Mrs. Linda Johnson, who gave me my first A in regular
> English;
Joel: (as Mrs. Johnson) Okay...don't hurt me...stay away...I'll give you an
A. No, I won't be you special friend.
>
> Mr. Higgins, who couldn't believe I read 189 books in
> my junior year;
Tom: He's not the only one.
>
> and Mrs. Price, who needs to pack her husband a
> larger lunch.
Joel: Who should be telling her husband to pack his own damn lunch.
> (Mr. Price keeps stealing my little brother's
> French Fries.)
Crow: Geez, don't these bullies ever graduate?
>
>Special Thanks to :
>
> Berg (berg@eskimo.com) for proofreading this.
Joel: Time to call in Nanook of Berg.
Crow: Berg must have been suckered in to doing this.
>This story is a work of fiction and should be treated as such ... In
>fact, the author considers this work fiction and if someone complains
>he will call his involvement in it a piece of fiction. :)
Tom: What? Run that by me again.
>However what ever part of this story that does not belong to Paramount
>belongs to the author of this work, Stephen Brian Ratliff.
Crow: Paramount made him add that.
>Prolouge
Tom: Hey, great job Berg.
Joel: Hey give him a break. Look what he's reading.
>
> It was twilight on the Federation Planet Essex. In the Royal
>Palace of its Constitutional Monarch the Royal Family was eating pizza
>enjoying a holomovie.
Joel: Wow, those royals sure do know how to party.
>The Palace of coarse befit the status of its
>residents.
Crow: Hmm. It wasn't a smooth palace.
>The holovision room was done up in walnut paneling with gold
>lamp fixtures. The sofas were matching red formals with walnut accent
>and the carpet was a red and yellow pattern.
Tom: Sounds like a Mc Donalds.
>The room itself was filled
>with royals about a dozen and a half of them in fact.
> "We are running out of pizza," King George the Fourth observed.
> "Who has eaten the most?" his Queen inquired.
> "I believe that honor goes to my granddaughter, Lady Victoria,"
Joel: So, is she going to explode like the guy in the Sega commercial?
>George IV replied.
Tom: Old royals don't die, they get recycled in fan fics.
> "Tory!" the Queen ordered.
Joel: Whig!
Crow: Labor!
Tom: Conservative!
>"Take the MG and goto Little Italy's
>Pizza. Order a dozen pepperoni pizzas,
Crow: Geez, what pigs.
> and bring them back."
Joel: ...then pick up a bag of fat-free fig newtons!
> Lady Victoria, a twenty-three year old blond haired woman got
>up.
Tom: Thank you. We couldn't have deduced she was female.
> Her grandfather tossed her the keys. "And no stopping at the Prime
>Ministers house," he said.
Crow: She's of legal age. The prime minister wouldn't be interested in
her anyway.
> Leaving the Palace, Lady Victoria, tenth in line to the throne,
Tom: ...and Sears Catalog underwear model...
>circled around the Palace grounds to Little Italys Pizza. Just as the
>last of the pizzas were placed on the stack of pizza boxes, a loud boom
>was heard. Exiting Little Italy, Victoria spied a fire in the direction
>of the Palace, a large fire right where the Palace should be.
Joel: Clevon Little and Gene Wilder were seen chasing Harvey Corman from
the scene.
>The first
>thought through Victoria's mind was 'It looks like I'll be visiting the
>Prime Minister after all.'
Crow: What happened to "Oh my God! My family!"
Tom: Or, "Yes! I'm Queen!"
Joel: Tom, I'm warning you.
> Meanwhile, light years away on the Galaxy Class starship
>Independence, Captain Melanie Morris was sipping some lemonade in the
>command chair.
Tom: That's one hell of a jump-cut, son.
> It had been a routine day patrolling the Romulan Neutral
>Zone. "Captain, there has been a breech of the detection grid in
>subsection 15-16-4," her security chief announced.
> "Confirmed," her second officer, Morgan Gordon senior said from
>Ops. "Set a coarse to intercept, warp nine, go to red alert, raise
>shields,"
Crow: (as Gordon) Panty-shields set, Captain.
Tom: Not THOSE shields.
>Morris ordered.
> "I'm afraid that last bit is a little too late, Captain," a
>strange voice said from behind the tactical officer said.
> Morris wheeled around get a look at the intruder, saying,
>"Inturder Alert, Command lockout authorization Morris Chopin Lizt One
>Four Nine Five."
Joel: Who's saying this? Chopin or the intruder?
Tom: Let's leave.
(1..2..3..4..5..6..)
(Crow and Tom are the only ones in the room. They're reading Tiger Bot and
Melody Maker. They're half way paying attention to each other).
Tom: Hey, Crow.
Crow: Hey, what?
Tom: I was thinking.
Crow: Hard not to.
Tom: Not of the experiment, but the fact that everyone involved in Star
Trek is so famous for no reason. I mean, I want fame like that.
Look at James Dean. He made about two movies, and today you can
still buy posters of him.
Crow: Yeah, but James Dean died to get his fame. What have you done to
deserve yours?
Tom: Glad you asked.
Crow: (looks up) Huh?
Tom: I know this isn't as dramatic, but I thought about trying to bring
Sherwood-Schwarz out of retirement and giving me my own sitcom.
Crow: Them?
Tom: Yeah. Everything they touch is gold. First, I thought I might start
out in cable and build a following. I would then get a movie made, but
only after a couple of the cast members leave for greener pasteurs.
Crow: They'll be the ones who have to appear on Dick Clark's Rockin Eve!
Tom: (snickers) Yeah, they'll be the equivalent of the 5th Beatle!
Crow: Or, they'll have to appear on Circus of the Stars!
Joel: (walking in) Hey, what are you guys up to?
The bots: Nothing.
Joel: Yeah, right.
(Lights Flash)
All : Fanfic Sign!!!!
(6..5..4..3..2..1..)
>Chapter One
All: (applause)
Crow: Yes, folks, after the epilogue and prologue comes chapter one!
Next, we will be reading chapter 7.
> Commander William T. Riker was learning a lot about his
>Captain's adopted daughter while the Captain and Doctor were on their
>honeymoon.
Tom: (as Will) ..Say, is it tough ruling a planet with no name all by your
self? Let's discuss it over drinks. You know, I'm a captain. I
can get us into parts of this ship that you had never imagined.
Come look at my warp engines.
>The first thing he learnt was that it was impossible to
>keep up with her without the aid of a computer.
Joel: It's a good thing, too, because the ship is filled with dark woods
in which she could get lost in.
Tom: Yeah...huh?
> Marrissa's
>schedule was just that busy.
Crow: She was seeing this guy named Buttafuocco.
Tom: Yeah, heh heh, buttowipe-o.
> The next thing he learnt was that Marrissa
>had some form of strawberries at every meal.
Joel: You know, that *is* very interesting.
> Not that Marrissa didn't
>learn anything. She did learn how to cook and intended to show off that
>new-found skill when her father and the Doctor returned.
Crow: She is now :"The Nanny!"
Tom: This story won't be complete until she burns the dinner. I can feel it.
>However,
>Commander Riker had not learn one very important thing. Never take a bet
>with Marrissa.
> "The name of the game is Find Home, Commander,"
Joel: Home plate? Alright!!
>Lieutenant Marrissa
>Picard said as she and Commander William T. Riker entered the Holodeck.
>"The game lasts about twenty minutes. The object is to find your base
>somewhere inside this asteroid field."
Crow: If you do, then you will be qualified to be a Domino's pizza driver.
> "That simple, Lieutenant?" Commander Riker commented looking at
>the shuttles they were going to pilot. Marrissa's was named Sweet Success
>and Commander Rikers was named No Quarter.
Tom: His ship doesn't carry spare change after dark.
> "Of coarse it isn't that simple,"
Tom: There's that phrase again. Does Ratliff mean that this game is rough?
Crow: After all, it is coarse.
>Marrissa replied. "You must
>also avoid the enemies of the Federation, and I do mean enemies.
Joel: Network execs?
>You
>have no weapons, but other than that these are the best shuttles in the
>Federation. If you can beat me, then I will concede that you are a better
>pilot."
Crow: Whooppee! What a prize!
> As they examined their simulated shuttles, Commander Riker
>asked the thirteen year-old blond-haired adopted daughter of his Captain,
Tom: ...and then when she didn't answer, he asked Marrissa....
>"And if you win?"
> "Then I guess you will be taking CONN for next week,
Crow: KHAAAANNNN!!!!!!!
Joel: Wait, she said Conn.
Crow: Oooh. She hails from the land of Mr. B Natural.
Tom: She will awaken the musical spirit within Riker!
> while I
>catch up on paperwork," Marrissa replied.
> "And if you lose you will have my job for three days, while I
>take a vacation," Commander Riker replied.
Joel: Sounds like a theory on how Shatner got his command.
> "Don't make me want to lose, Commander," Marrissa smiled. "I
>accept the bet. Lets get going." Commander Riker and Marrissa shook
>hands.
All: (joybuzzers) Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Crow: (as Marrissa) Nyah nyah, I had my fingers crossed.
> The two shuttles paralleled each other into the asteroid field.
>Marrissa in Sweet Success immediately ducked behind the first asteroid.
Joel: Next, on "Space: Above and Below....."
>Commander Riker meanwhile took the direct approach. From behind another
>asteroid directly ahead, a Cardassian warship emerged and opened fire
>on Riker's No Quarter. No Quarter turned to the port and began evasive
>maneuvers.
Tom: Please, don't spare us any detail.
> The Cardassian ship persued No Quarter as Marrissa slipped by
>its rear. As Sweet Success ducked behind the asteroid were the Cardassian
>came from a Romulan Warbird decloaked. Rearing around Marrissa piloted
>her shuttle, after a quick and short 160 degree turn headed for a narrow
>gap in between asteroids.
Crow: Wow! This is just like Star Wars!
> Meanwhile back in No Quarter,
Tom: What the hell kind of name is that?
> Commander Riker had found that
>port was not the way to go as a Romulan decloaked directly ahead. Both
>the Romulan and the Cardassian opened fire. Commander Riker's No Quarter
>ducked behind an asteroid on the starboard side.
Crow: And as you know, if you duck behind an asteroid, you can't be seen
or killed.
>Meanwhile the
>Romulan and Cardassian ships blew up as a result of their attempt to
>destroy Riker.
Joel: They apparently got so angry, they exploded.
> As Commander Riker piloted around the asteroid, he spotted
>Marrissas Sweet Sucess shooting between two asteroids. A Romulan Warbird
>was attempting to follow. Unfortunately for the Warbird, the gap between
>the asteroids was closing and it was already to small. As the gap
Crow:...between David Letterman's teeth....
>closed further the Romulan Warbird was crushed between the two asteroids
>and exploded.
Tom: This is such a dissapointment. The enemy should at least be
equipped with evasion skills.
> Commander Riker however had paid too much attention to
>Marrissa's efforts and as he came around the asteroid, a Romulan warbird
>decloaked.
Joel: If Riker had called his psychic friend, he would have known that the
Warbird was declaoking.
>"Shit," he muttered and turned No Quarter to the starboard
>and around and between another asteroid.
Tom: Oh, and another question. Why the hell would you build a base in the
middle of an asteroid field? Everyone knows asteroids are always
bumping into each other.
Crow: Well, these asteroids are not co-dependents. They don't invade each
others space.
> Marrissa, meanwhile, exited the tight clump of asteroids she had
>escaped her first Romulan with, only to find another one directly to port.
>She turned to the starboard and another asteroid and pushed her shuttle
>to the limit.
All: Floor it! Gun it!
>The Romulan opened fire, but the Sweet Success nimbly
>avoided the disrupter bolts.
Joel: This is exactly why the Japanese are beating us. They build these
nimble and quick space ships while we are still building Merimacks
with no sense of aim.
>Commander Rikers No Quarter came
>out behind Marrissas second Romulan.
Tom: You know folks, it was like he was playing Mad Libs and posted the
results as this story.
>It cut across the rear of the
>vessel and in-between a pair of asteroids. Marrissa meanwhile began to
>plot a coarse around several asteroids in hopes of losing the persueing
>warbird.
Crow: Actually, I was thinking that this is like Austin traffic.
> Commander Riker meanwhile had run into the biggest trouble in
>the game.
Joel: A ship commanded by Eddie Murphy's entourage has decloaked.
>Directly ahead of him was the cube shaped vessel of the Borg.
Tom: The hell? The Borg don't assimilate individuals.
>A Borg cutting beam shot out at him.
Tom: Ah, so they were going to perform minor surgery on him.
>Riker avoided the beam.
Crow: ...and went straight for the Everclear.
>Noticing that an asteroid was on a collision coarse with the one to
>starboard,
>Riker set a coarse between the two,
Joel: He sent a rough between the two?!?!
Crow: Woohoo! That was number three!!!!
>hoping to do what Marrissa had done
>earlier with the Romulan. Riker moved between the asteroids. The Borg
>followed. The whole forward half of the Borg cube was sheared off as
>the asteroid continued it's unalterable coarse.
Tom: When the Cube sheared, Bjork took off on a solo career.
Crow: I can't believe the Federation once ran in terror from these morons...
Joel: Why isn't anyone's sensers working?
Tom: Cheap imported crap!
> In the meantime, Marrissas Sweet Success was avoiding the
>Romulan.
Crow: She wasn't returning their phone calls.
>As it came around an new asteroid, a new ship came into view.
>It was a Jem'Hadar ship.
Joel: Now you're just making up people!
Crow: The Israelies are joining in the fun.
Joel: Is that a Hebrew word?
Crow: Hell if I know. Looks like it could be one.
>As it opened fire, Marrissa sent her shuttle
>on an upward coarse. The shot missed her by just a few
>centimeters and continued past the Sweet Success and into the Romulan
>ship. The shot only marred
Tom: Johnny Marred?
>the Romulan warbird. However it apparently
>enraged the Romulan Commander
Crow: Ooooh I'll harm you!
>and the Romulan and Jem'Hadar ships began
>fighting each other.
Tom: What did I say? Just let them kill each other off. Why are they
trying to make this so hard?
>Marrissa piloted her way away from them.
Joel: She would have made a great pilot at Pan Am.
> As she passed between two more asteroids, Marrissa spied the
>base she and Commander Riker were looking for.
Crow: Thank you for flying Delta...We'll be arriving at D/FW in a few
minutes. The Captain has turned on the fasten seat belt signs.
Please put up all articles and put your chair in an upright
position....
>Commander Riker had also
>spotted the base, however he had another problem.
(Tom humming string base music)
Joel: Riker has a problem....
>A Jem'Hadar warship
>came up behind him and Commander Riker spotted him a little too late.
Crow: (as Jem'Hadar) Say, you're a pretty boy, ain't ya?
>The Jem'Hadar opened fire and No Quarter and Commander Riker were out of
>the game.
Tom: Gave over, man, Game over!
> Meanwhile, Marrissa had entered the base's shuttlebay and
>won the game.
Joel: Riker was scared because he was already behind with his bookie.
> As Commander Riker and Lieutenant Marrissa Picard exited the
>holodeck, the thirteen-year-old girl remarked, "I guess that you'll be
>at CONN
Tom: COOONNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>during Alpha Shift for the next week, Commander."
> "I still think you rigged the test," Riker replied.
> "The odds of me running into any ship was the same as yours
>were," Marrissa responded. "Except you forgot to look to see what was
>sneaking up from behind.
Crow: If he had spent a few years in a prison, he would have been better
skilled in that area.
>Do you really think that I knew where everything
>was?
>All 2048 asteroids, 32 Cardassains, 32 Romulans, 64 Jem'Hadar
>ships, 4 Renegade Klingons, a Base and a Borg Ship;
Joel: ..and a partridge in a pair tree.
Tom: Danny Bonaduce?
>all of the moving.
Crow: Try a Ryder rental truck next time.
>Really Commander, I may have a photographic memory
Tom: ...but my memory only takes instant film and they quit making that....
>and an good grasp of
>tactics, but that is going a little too far. Don't make excuses, you
>lost fair and square."
> "You're right, but when can I have a rematch?" Commander Riker
>asked.
> "How about STARDATE 48751?" Marrissa inquired.
Joel: (as Riker) What? Yesterday?
> "I'll reserve a Holodeck," the First Officer replied.
> "Bridge to Commander Riker."
Tom: His bridge is talking? I've heard of people with fillings receiving
radio signals, but this....
> Commander Riker tapped his comm badge,
Tom: COOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joel: Cut that out.
>"Riker here."
Crow: (Bridge) Where else would you be, sir?
> "Captain and Doctor Picard's shuttle is on approach."
Joel: (as Riker) Um, Oh poopie...Marrissa, can you hide that nose ring?
Oh, they're going to kill me.
> "We will meet them in Shuttlebay 2, Riker out," Commander Riker
>said. "Marrissa, let's see what your father and the Doctor have been up
>to this last week."
Tom: Hmm. A honeymoon? Maybe they have the video tape.
> Meanwhile back on the planet Essex, Lady Victoria was rushing
>back to the Palace on foot.
Crow: Did her car vanish?
>As she rushed though the trees
Joel: ...swinging from limb to limb...
>she thought,
>Maybe someone escaped. Maybe Aunt Princess Beatrice was out on her balcony
>stargazing and was thrown clear.
Tom: Yeah, that will help if it was a ten story fall.
>Maybe Cousin Edward, Earl Kenya was out
>with a girl in the bushes again.
Joel: These are definitely royals, alright.
> All her hopes were dashed as she came into the site of the
>Palace. The once proud home of the Royal Family of Essex was gone.
Crow: Wow. When they threaten to reposess something, they really mean it.
>In
>its place stood a pile of blackened rubble nearly three time the area
>the Palace had covered.
Tom: Someone stole the palace and left a pile of rubble in its place!
>Not a single brick was attached to a brick that
>it had been attached to before the blast.
Joel: There was a mass divorce among the brick population.
>Orange flames still towered
>over the ruins and Lady Victorias hope fled. She slumped against a
>nearby tree and began sobbing.
Crow: (as Victoria) Oh, my poor cat. I'll never have another like him.
> A minute later, the Prime Minister arrived on the scence
Tom: Scene, or science? You make the call.
>from
>his residence accross the street from the Palace. The scence of
>distruction was enough to force him to look away.
Crow: Berg was so emotional about this scene that he could barely
proofread it through the tears....
Joel: Hey, don't make Berg pay for Ratliff's mistakes.
>As he did so he spied
>his sobbing girl friend, the Lady Victoria. He rushed to her side and
>asked, "What happened, Tory?"
Crow: Heh heh, he wanted to know Lady Victoria's Secret....
> "I don't know," Lady Victoria sobbed. "They were all in there;
>My Grandfather, the King; Uncle Stephen, the heir; cousin Edward, who
>always had the girls.
Joel: (Marrissa) The professor and Maryann...
>They where all in there."
Crow: It's time to call in John Goodman.
> "How did it happen, Tory?" the Prime Minister asked.
> "I don't know." Tory replied. "It started out so normally.
Tom: (Victoria) We were beating the crap out of each other.
>We
>were watching a holomovie and I was sent for more pizza, leaving them all
>behind. My Aunt Beatrice and her two daughters, Lady Mary and Lady Ann.
>I left them all behind."
Joel: "Vivid and in your prime/ You will leave me behind..."
> "Calm down Tory, Its not your fault," the Minister soothed.
Crow: "So, you lost your family. We'll buy you a new one."
> "Then whose fault is it?" Lady Victoria asked, suddenly becoming
>enraged. "My mother, my older brother and sister, Great Uncle Charles,
>Duke of Yorkshire, and all his children and grandchildren. Great Uncle
>Henry, Duke of Greenwich, all dead.
Tom: "The Queen is Dead."
>Whose fault is it?"
Crow: Hmm. My first guess is Beavis and Butthead were playing with matches.
> The Prime Minister had no aswer, but one really wasn't needed
>for the present. He held his girl friend tight in his arms while she
>cried herself to sleep.
Joel: I wish I could sleep just anywhere like that.
>Chapter Two
Crow: Electric Boogaloo.
> Captain and Doctor Picard's shuttle was entering the bay as the
>senoir staff and Lieutenant Marrissa Picard, his adopted daughter assembled.
Joel: Who is this second daughter he keeps mentioning?
Tom: We'll have to start calling him Woody.
>The rear of the shuttle opened and the newlyweds exited, holding hands.
Crow: Apparently, the tourist shops were out of shrunken heads. They were
holding hands! Get it?
>Both of them were in uniform (Class B), however they appeared to have
>been put on hastily, as neither the rank pips nor the comm badges were
>straight.
Joel: Wow, that was some command meeting.
> As they approached the assembled group, Commander Riker said,
>"Welcome back, sir."
Tom: (as Riker) Oh thank you! Please take this brat you left me with.
> "Anything interesting happen while I was gone?" Captain Picard
>inquired.
Crow: (as Riker) I found out Marrissa eats strawberries.
> "Nothing much, sir," Commander Riker replied. "Unless you count
>Lieutenant Picards beating me in a piloting exercise on the Holodeck."
Tom: I don't remember the game taking that kinky a turn....
> "So she finally got the courage to go against the one person on
>board with a better piloting rating,"
Joel: Captain Hazelwood.
>Doctor Beverly Picard responded.
Crow: These Picards are multiplying like tribbles.
>"So Marrissa how badly did he lose?"
> "Not too badly," Marrissa replied. "If he had remembered to
>scan behind him he would have been a very close second.
Tom: "He came in third place which was really weird since there were only
two of us."
>However, since he
>did not a Jem'Hadar got him about ten kilometers from the base."
> "That's better than I did," Captain Jean-Luc Picard said. "A
>Romulan got me about two minutes into the game.
Joel: I know your crew takes comfort in that.
>I would like to find more
>time to participate in Marrissa's training simulations. They are always
>challenging."
Crow: Hmm. The challenge of Multimedia. That would make a great course
title at U.T.!
> "Thank you, Captain," Marrissa replied. "Which one are you
>thinking of trying again?"
Tom: No, let me guess. The shuttle game.
> "What and when are the next three," her father asked.
> "Kobayshi Maru, evaulated by Data, tomorrow during Beta Shift,"
>Marrissa replied. "Shayna Sachs
Crow: You mean, without Taye?
>and Alexander Roshenko are scheduled.
>Shuttle Tag two days from now 0900 Holodeck One.
Joel: ...and shuttle mud wrestling will begin at noon with
shuttle-mother-may-I scheduled after that......
>It will immediately be
>followed by Find Home II
Tom: ...the sequel to Homeward Bound....
>at 1200 hours, Holodeck Two."
> "Schedule me for Shuttle Tag, Marrissa," the Captain replied.
> With a smile, Commander Riker suggested, "Captain maybe you
>should put Marrissa in charge of shipwide training."
Crow: Hear! Hear!
> "Commander, I have enough paper work creating jobs,"
Joel: In the 24th century, we've wiped out hunger and poverty, yet we
still have bureaucracy.
>Marrissa
>responded. "Until someone gives me an office and a yeoman, please don't
>ask me to do anything that will increase my paper work.
Tom: Boy, you're really obsessed about this, aren't you?
Joel: (as Picard) You little generation X slacker. I could have made you
get a McJob.
>Between the
>reports that I have to file as Kids crew commanding officer,
Crow: You were in charge of the movie Kids?
>Kids
>Crew Fleet Supervisior, and Chief Helmsman and my homework for school
Tom: ...headlining at The Funny Bone, compiling an ad campaign, running a
planet with no name, eating strawberries, passing out flyers for
the Dan Qualye fan club....
>it's a wonder I get to the Bridge at all."
>
> Meanwhile on the Planet Essex, Lady Victoria woke up in a
>familar bedroom
Joel: Senator Packwood's.
>-- that of the Prime Minister of Essex.
Tom: Close enough.
>Sitting up
>against the pillows she observed the said minister sleeping in
>a nearby recliner. Hearing Victorias movement,
Crow: Hey! Tell her to shut the bathroom door next time!
>the Prime Minister
>awoke, yawning.
> "I keep ending up in your bed every time I meet you," Victoria
>commented.
Joel: He sounds like a regular Tyrone Slothrop.
> "Yes, you do seem to do that," Prime Minister William Lancaster
>replied.
Tom: So, she's in the house of Lancaster right now.
>"There was that time during my fathers ministry when you where
>16 and had just had your first taste of real alcohol."
Crow: ...and your first real taste of blood....
> "Then there was that time, when you got elected Prime Minister
>suceeding your father at the tender age of 23,"
Tom: He then threw his dad out when he didn't want to live with the new rules.
>Victoria remembered.
Joel: She and her family were watching the battle with their binoculars.
>"I still can't fingure out how I tripped and broke my leg like that."
> "Then there was that Romulan Diplomatic Party we entertained on
>thier way to Earth last week," William Lancaster continued. "You
>apparently thought Romulan ale wouldn't get you drunk.
Crow: (as frat boy) Yeah, I didn't put a lot of alcohol in it. It's
okay. I'll watch ya if you start to stumble.
>Then, your
>Majesty ..."
> "Your Majesty! I'm not even a Princess, so don't call me that,"
>Victoria responded.
Joel: Say, are those JAP jeans you're wearing?
> "I beg your pardon, but how should the Prime Minister of Essex
>address his Queen?" William asked.
Tom: Uh, "I saw those nudie pictures of your daughter-in law?" No! D'oh!
Crow: "I wish I had your parenting skills." Oh, sorry..sorry...
Tom: "Can you explain Prince Charles' looks?"
Joel: OK. That's enough.
> "Queen, you mean last night wasn't some hideous nightmare?"
Tom: (Lancaster) Yes. It's true, your majesty, Alan Thicke's show was renewed.
>Queen Victoria said, beginning to return to last night's tears.
> "A nightmare it was, but real none the less," William replied.
>handing his Queen a tissue.
Joel: Yeah, and you kind of wonder where the hell the press is....
Crow: They're digging through the rubble looking for survivors to interview.
> "Did anyone survive?" Victoria asked, tearfully.
Tom: "No, and the topless bars down the street are starting to suffer from
lack of business."
> "No, you are the sole surviving member of the Royal family of
>Essex on Essex,"
Crow: ..."So, by default, you are our new Monarch!"
Others: (Making crowd cheering noises).
>Prime Minister William Lancaster informed his Queen
>gravely.
Joel: Peter Gravely?
> "Who did this?" she questioned.
> "We may never know," the Prime Minister replied honestly. "Our
>Police force is simply not able to deal with such a crime."
Tom: (Lancaster) They'll run a segment in 'Crime Stoppers' next week and
see if anyone calls.
> "What about Starfleet?" Queen Victoria asked.
> "Starfleet?" Minister Lancaster replied, puzzled.
> "We are a member of the United Federation of Planets," Queen
>Victora pointed out. "Surely as the main protector of the Federation,
Joel: " ...and defender of the Kolaces....."
>Starfleet would want to help find out who killed the Head of State
>of one of its members."
Crow: (Lancaster) Well, no, you see, we forgot to pay our club dues.
> "Excellent idea, Your Majesty," the Prime Minister replied.
Joel: (Victoria) Of Course it's an excellent idea! Quit kissing up!
> "Merely execising one of my rights as a constitional monarch,
>Bill," Victoria replied. "Let's see, I've been consulted, I've advised,
Crow: (Marrissa) Now, I know exactly what hair cut I will get.
>oh what the heck, Let's do all three on my first day on the job.
Tom: She's done more in one afternoon than her ancestors have done in 50 years.
>Mister Lancaster, I must warn you that if you ever call me Your
>Majesty, my Queen, Queen Victoria, or anything of the like, I will have
>your head."
Joel: (Lancaster) Saaay....
> At the Queen's fierce expression the Prime Minister gulped
>involuntary.
Crow: ...and after he did that, he gulped involuntarily...
> On the starship Independence, Captain Morris was surprised.
Tom: Ten forward was having a special happy hour and was delivering beers
to bridge.
>She
>expected the Romulan,
Crow: Well, she could have prevented the whole thing if she was expecting him!
>but the other race was a mystery to her. "What are
>you doing on my ship?" she said quite calmly for a Captain in her situation.
> "Quite simple, Captain," the Romulan said. "We are taking
>control. We already have Engineering and several other areas of the
>ship. The Bridge was the next step.
Tom: (Romulan) Oh, and here's the rest of our plan.... Wait, you're not
paying attention... I'll tell you where our weaknesses are.... You're
ruining it for me!
>Now if you will follow my black
>friend here,
Joel: *ahem* You're african-american friend....
>I believe you are about to move to new accommodations on
>deck 10."
Tom: (Romulan) You'll really like it there. We installed a jacuzzi in
the rec area while we invaded Engineering.
> Back on the Enterprise NCC-1701-E, Marrissa was showing her
>adopted father and his new wife where everything had moved to when the
>quarters had been expanded to make room for Doctor Beverly Picard.
Crow: Man, did she get huge, or what?
>"Your bedroom and bathroom are though this door,
Tom: (Picard) Marrissa and I will get this room over here.
>Captain and Doctor."
Tom: Oh.
>Marrissa said. "The new book shelf you requested is on the right side
>of the door. You'll notice that the desk has been replace with a larger
>one.
Joel: (Marrissa) By the way, I bought the entire collection of Time/Life
Home Repair books while you were gone.
>Some workman shattered the old one and it had to be replace so I
>got something a little larger since it will problely be used a little
>more.
Crow: So, that's where Bob Villa's been!
>My quarters and bathroom are through the other door. Notice the
>viewscreen on the wall near my door and the cooking surface below it.
>I will be cooking breakfast tomarrow so please get up before 0900 hours."
Tom: (Marrissa) Sometimes the smoke detector goes on the fritz and I want
to give you a head start.
> "Marrissa Amber Picard, what makes you think that we won't be up
>by then?" Captain Picard asked.
Suzanne: Oh. You people are just like my roommate. They'll probably wake
her up slamming doors and talking with their goofy brothers on the
phone. Why the hell don't you people sleep in after 7 in the
morning for once in your life for crying out loud?!?!
Tom: Wait, how'd you get in here?
Suzanne: Oops. Um, pay no attention to the person behind the curtain...
> "Perhaps the fact that all three newlyweds I have had in my
>department since I took command have arrived for duty an average of 3
>hours late on their first day back," Marrissa replied.
Crow: Yeah, once you're married, you forget how to set an alarm clock.
> "I didn't know you could cook, Marrissa," Doctor Beverly Picard
>commented.
Joel: It's not that difficult. Just stick the tray in the oven and set it
for defrost.
> "Commander Riker taught me while you were on your honeymoon,"
>Marrissa said. "He says I now make the best pancakes on the ship."
Crow: And he should know since he was judge at the annual ship food fair.
> "Bridge to Captain Picard," Data's voice said.
Tom: Wow. Everyone's dental work is active in this story.
> "Go ahead, Data," Captain Picard replied.
> "Incoming communication from Admiral Tpurroc
Joel: ...Shakkur...
>of Starfleet
>Security," Data replied.
> "Pipe down to my new large viewscreen,"
Tom: The viewscreen must have sensitive hearing.
>Captain Picard
>responded. Admiral Yrev Tpurroc apppeared on the viewscreen.
Crow: He was joined by his assistant Snoop Doggy Dog.
Tom: Hey, I just noticed - this guy is C-O-R-R-U-P-T.
Joel: Funny how Ratliff spells better backwards than forwards.
>He was
>from a cat-like species and had jet black fur. He wore the typical
>yellow starfleet security uniform with Vice Admirals pips.
Joel: It was a sexy little number that made him popular with his command.
>Behind him
>his office had obvously not been his for long as the office was
>decorated in feathers.
Tom: What does that have to do with anything???!!!!
Joel: Maybe he decorates his office with furballs.
> "Captain Picard," Admiral Tpurroc began,
Crow: (Tpurroc. singing) Was down with his gang in the crib with .44s.......
>"I sure you will be
>glad to hear that your charting mission has been cut short.
Tom: He was charting hits for Billboard?
> A
>Federation planet has requested immediate assistance in investigating
>the bombing of its Royal Palace which resulted in the death of its
>head of state.
Crow: (Tporroc) There were others, but it isn't very important.....
>You are ordered to proceed at once to the Planet Essex
>and assist them in what ever they need."
Tom: (Tporroc) You need to give your crew the necessary equipment to
enter the palace compounds like money for the cover charge.
> "Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't this a job for the Federation
>Bureau of Investagation?" Captain Picard asked.
Joel: Yes! Bring in Mulder and Scully! Cross over story! That would be
great!
> "Normally, yes it would,"
Crow: Ratliff shoots......and he misses! Oh, and he was wide open, too!
>Admiral Tpurroc replied. "However,
>they can not get anyone there for at least another week so the Director
>of the FBI, Colin Khristen asked me to find a nearby starship to do the
>job.
Joel: They have to give Cancerman a chance to get to the scene first.
>He wanted it to be just until his officers could get there, but I
>told him that if Starfleet starts an investigation, Starfleet finishes it
>as well, being a former starship captain, he agreed."
Tom: You know, there's not much of a need for the F.B.I. if they're in
such a poor location.
Crow: Yeah, maybe they need to expand it into a franchise.
> "What are our orders?" Captain Picard asked.
Joel: (Tporroc) I just told you, you nit wit.
> "You are to precede to the Planent Essex in the Angle System and
>investigate the bombing of the Royal Palace, with all due haste,"
Tom: Because haste makes waste, except in this case.
>Tpurroc ordered. "You will be in complete control of the investigation.
>In addition, Captain, you are to assist the Government of Essex in
>locating a heirs to the throne
Crow: A heirs? Well, which one is it?
> as this bomb killed all but one of the
>known members of Royal Family of Essex.
Joel: (Picard) You know, it seems pretty cut and dried....
> Any additional help they need
>you may see to at your discretion."
> "Thank you, Admiral," Jean-Luc Picard replied. "Will that be
>all?"
Tom: (Tpurroc) That's it, except bring plenty of protection and always
have a designated driver.
> "No, Captain, Admiral Necheyev would like a few words, Admiral,"
>Tpurroc said.
> Admiral Necheyev appeared on screen, her blond hair done up in
>it's usual loose bun.
Joel: She should experiment with it being in a croissant.
>"Captain Picard, you are the senior-most captain
>in the fleet and we at Starfleet Command have been trying to find
>something to do about it," she said.
Tom: (Necheyev) We've finally convinced your teachers to let you pass
English and to graduate this year.
> "You will never get me out of the center seat," Captain Picard
>said.
> "Perhaps, but we don't want to anyway,"
Crow: (Necheyev) You will remain a fry cook for the rest of your life.
> the Admiral replied.
>"Starfleet Command recently recieved a suggestion which solved the
>problem of not promoting a man who has been in that center seat for
>almost 30 years."
Joel: Retirement?
> "And what would that be?"
> "Someone asked why the Federation Flagship didn't have a Flag
>officer in command of it. So we are rectifing that effective about five
>minutes ago, Jean-Luc Picard, as commanding officer of the starship
>Enterprise,
Crow: (Necheyev) ...and guardian of the Enterprise FAQ....
>you are hearby promoted to Rear Admiral.
Tom: Oh, he feels like such an ass as it is.
>As such you are
>now the acting commanding officer of any sector in which no one has
>equal or better rank which you are in.
Crow: (Necheyev) If there is someone of equal rank, then you have to mud
wrestle for it.
>Congratuations,
All: Yay.
>Starfleet Out."
> "Marrissa, would you be the 'someone' who put that idea in
>Starfleets bonnet?" Jean-Luc Picard asked.
Tom: You know, I can write a sonnet about that bonnet.
> "Whatever gave you that idea, Dad?" Marrissa replied, trying to
>hide a grin.
> "I just had a feeling, and I see I was right," Admiral Jean-Luc
>Picard said. "Captain, I mean Admiral Picard to the Bridge."
Joel: (Picard) Wait, dammit, why am I ordering myself to the bridge?
> "Data here."
> "Set a course for the planet Essex, warp 8," Admiral Picard
>said. "Inform the senior staff that there will be a mission briefing in 20
>minutes."
Crow: (Picard) It's BYOB this time.
> "Commander Riker is changing course now," Data answered.
>"Bridge out."
> "Riker at CONN,
Tom: COOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>Marrissa how in the world did you get him to
>take CONN?"
Tom: COOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joel: Stop.
> Admiral Picard inquired.
> "He lost a bet," Marrissa responded.
Joel: (Marrissa) Yeah, I bet him that I could out act him.
> "I'm curious, Marrissa," her father inquired, "what would have
>happened if he won."
> "The Commander would be on a three day vacation and I would have
>his duty schedule,"
Crow: (Picard) Yeah, well you know where his mop buckets are, but stay
away from his stack of magazines in the basement. A little advice
if you did lose.
>Marrissa said. "To tell the truth I would have won even
>if he won."
Joel: It's great that we can all be winners!
> "That's the truth," the Captain's new wife responded.
Tom: Oh, we've gotta go, guys.
(1..2..3..4..5..6..)
Joel: Hey Tom, what are you up to?
Tom: (dressed in glam with a James Dean Pompadour) I have decided to
remake a cover by Morrissey.
Crow: (disgusted) Why?
Tom: Well, many people think his work is too depressing, so I've taken the
liberty of rewriting the lyrics to one of his songs. This is the song
formerly known as "Now My Heart is Full."
Joel: Take it away.
Tom: Cambot, the music...
"A Chair's been reduced to rubble
The whole house will need rebuilding.
And everyone I know, will be passed out around the living room couch quite soon.
Your dorky friend plays his collection of Foreigner's greatest hits which
empties the room.
Tell all of John's friends.
And the friends of Sammy, to stay away from the fine washables of my mother.
Darryl, Darryl, Larry, Kermit
All Night Bingers, Never Sober.
And I'm getting wasted again
A beer again, a beer again,
And now my bladder's full.
Now, my bladder's full.
And I don't have time to explain
Or I'll burst if I try to.
Barney Miller, Twinkie, Rhubarb
Every beer slamming they get violent.
Their back teeth float, they need a dentist
Their back teeth float, they need a dentist.
Underaged, oversexed relations
"Oh, but Cindy, I *love* you."
A beer again, A beer again,
And now my bladder's full.
Now, my bladder's full
And I don't have time to explain,
Or I'll burst if I try to.
Oh...."
Crow: Hmm. Nice space filler.
(lights flash)
All: Ratliff sign!
>Chapter Three
>
> Queen Victoria
Joel: Is coming around the first stretch followed closely by Queen
Victoria and Queen Victoria with Queen Victoria bringing up the
end.....
>the First of Essex watched her Prime Minister and
>boy-friend leave the Prime Minister's residence for Parliament.
Crow: What happened? Did her boyfriend disjoin from the Prime Minister?
Is her boyfriend Leonard?
>He was
>going before a special session of Parliament to announce her ascension to
>the throne.
Tom: And to tell them 'Hands off'.
> After he left her field of view, the Queen turned back into
>the living room in 10 Downing Street
Crow: Cool! She's a shape shifter!
> (deliberately named after the
>residence in Great Britain on Earth). She turned on the holovision and
>tuned in P-SPAN.
Joel: Only to find that even 300 years later, they still haven't finished
debating the O.J. verdict.
> On the screen a woman in a conservative suit, was saying. "As
>you know last night the Royal Palace was blown up." A brief shot of the
>still smoldering Palace ruins was shown.
Crow: Hey, it's only stock footage of the Buckingham palace fire.
>"In that blast King George the
>Fourth and many of his heirs and family members where killed.
Joel: You know, that's how Jeff Foxworthy pronounces 'were.'
>Only one
>member of the Royal family escaped, who was, according to unofficial
>sources, out getting pizza.
Tom: (reporter) (snickering) *ahem* sorry.
>That member, Lady Victoria Eugene of
>Greensdale,
Joel: (reporter) No relation to the farmer in the Dell.
>is about to be announced as our new Queen, Queen Victoria,
>first of the name."
> "Little is known about our new monarch.
Crow: (reporter) She's not very interesting.
>The daughter of
>Princess Isabel, second daughter of the King tended to stay in the
>background, like all of Princess Isabels children. What
>is known is that she has a very strong friendship with the Prime
>Minister. No recent picture of our new Queen is available.
Joel: (reporter) But, we can get Dateline to provide us with photos even
if they have to make them up.
>However the
>Prime Minister has said that one will be provided as soon as she recovers
>from the shock of the bombing."
Tom: (reporter) Which should happen sometime around noon today.
> "I'm told that the Prime Minister is entering the House of
>Commons now. We go there now."
Crow: Yes, I'm Peter Arnett reporting from the blown out ruins of the
royal palace...
> The view shifted to the speakers podium in the Essex House of
>Commons chamber. The chamber was done up in oak paneling. Down the center
>of the chamber was a large oak table. On each side were green leather
>benches. On the speakers right stood the ruling Conservative Party.
Joel: Newt Gingrich, no!
>On the
>Left the now Queen's Loyal Opposition stood. All the members were dressed
>in black suits with ties which indicated their party.
Crow: Look! There are Men in Black! Maybe there is hope for an X-Files
crossover!
>As the Prime Minister
>approached the speaker's dais and podium just below a higher dais were the
>monarch would sit during a normal opening of Parliament.
Tom: So, that's what Ratliff does with his H's! He steals them from words
that need them.
> "The chair
>recognizes the member from South Londonderry," the speaker said.
> The Prime Minister took the podium. "Ladies and Gentlemen,
>fellow members of Parliament and the Loyal Opposition alike, I regret to
>inform you that last night his majesty King George the Fourth, King of
>Essex, Defender of the Realm and Head of the State, passed away.
Crow: No. You're kidding. Hadn't heard about it.
>He will
>be missed by all. So we are gathered here today to announce the ascension
>of his heir.
Joel: (Lancaster) Enough mourning. Out with the old. In with the new.
>His sole surviving heir, Lady Victoria of Greensdale wishes
>to ascend the throne as Queen Victoria the First. There are no other or
>better claims. Shall she ascend?"
Tom: She didn't say 'please'!
> "So she shall," the members of Parliament replied in unison.
> "Since we are in agreement, Let us announce the ascension of her
>Majesty,"
All: (yelling) The acension of her majesty!
> the Prime Minister announced. "Long may her majesty, Queen
>Victoria the First, Queen of Essex, Defender of the Realm and Head of State,
>reign. God Save the Queen."
> "God Save the Queen." the Parliament responded.
Crow: God save Freddy Mercury.
> "I must leave now to inform the Queen of her ascension," the
>Prime Minister pronounced.
Joel: Yeah, since her TV was blown up in the blast and all... While I'm
up here, let me say that we are having a canned food drive for her
Majesty and are collecting any clothes new and used anyone may
wish to donate to her.
> "Go and inform," the Parliament replied.
Tom: Get off the stage!
> Prime Minister William Lancaster exited the chamber and walked
>toward the front exit. As he cleared the columns, the House of Parliament
>exploded.
Joel: Are you saying that they all got so excited that they burst?
> Just minutes before, the Enterprise-E had entered orbit. "Now
>entering standard orbit," Commander Riker reported.
> "You never forget do you, Commander," Admiral Picard asked.
Crow: (Riker) Yeah, heh heh, you know what they say about helming the conn...
> "No but, I do need more practice," Riker replied. "I intend to
>beat Marrissa next time."
Tom: (Picard) Please be careful not to leave any visible scars.
> "I wish you luck, Number One," the Admiral said. "However,
>beating my daughter at her own game is next to impossible. Data, have you
>ever done any of Marrissa's training sessions?"
Crow: (Data) I still have the scars, sir.
> "I have, Admiral," Data replied. "However I am still having
>problems finishing them."
Joel: Okay. I could buy Riker losing, but Data????
> "Data, for some reason I assumed that you of all my crew would
>beat my daughter," Admiral Picard responded.
Tom: Ratliff notices his own plot hole........
> "Then you assumed incorrectly," Data answered.
Tom: ....and falls right in.
> "Perhaps," Admiral Picard said. "Mr. Worf, are your investigative
>teams ready?"
Joel: (Worf) Investigative Reports will be ready by the air date.
> "They are, Admiral," Worf confirmed. As he did so he noticed
>something on his controls.
Crow: (Worf) Jeri Curl?
> "Admiral, there has just been another explosion
>on the planets surface. Attempting to locate ... It is the House of
>Parliament."
Joel: Can I guess that the IRA might be around here somewhere?
> "Data, confirm," Admiral Picard responded.
> "Readings confirmed," Data verified. "My instruments indicate
>three survivors."
Tom: (Data) Apparently they came out of the Parliament bar drunk and took
a wrong turn.
> "Admiral Picard to Doctor Picard," the Admiral ordered.
Joel: That has got to seem schizophrenic.
> "Doctor Picard here."
> "Ready sickbay for bomb victims," the Admiral ordered his wife.
>"Data, have transporter rooms beam them directly to Sickbay. Worf, see if
>you can raise anyone in Essex's government."
Crow: (Worf) But, Sir, that would mean learning how to change diapers and
mix formula.
>
> Queen Victoria had turned off the holovision after the Prime
>Minister left the chamber to inform her of her ascension.
>As she sat waiting
>for him to arrive, the Prime Minister's commications equipment began ringing.
>Moving to the Communication Center on the other side of the Living room,
>Victoria answered the call, "This is Lady -- I mean Queen Victoria, how may
>I help you?"
Joel: (Victoria) No, sorry, we quit taking orders for the Capodimante.
No you can't talk to the host.
> A veiw of the Bridge of the Enterprise appeared on the Prime
>Minister's 16 inch communication screen. Commander Riker was at CONN;
Tom: After all, he is a trombone player.
Joel: You have bought yourself some time.
>Lieutenant Commander Data at Ops; Lieutenant Commander Worf at Tactical;
>Counselor Troi was seated in her usual seat.
Crow: Doing absolutely nothing as usual.
>Admiral Jean-Luc Picard
>stood between Ops and CONN.
Joel: Don't say it!
Tom: Conn.
Crow: D'oh!
>"Your Majesty, I am Admiral Jean-Luc Picard
>of the Federation Starship Enterprise," the Admiral began. "We had just
>arrived when your House of Parliament exploded. We have beamed three
>surviours aboard."
Tom: (Picard) We leave you to sort through the rubble.
> The Queen went white. "Who survived?" she asked.
Joel: (Picard) The survivors! Jeez, don't you listen?
> "Mr. Data?" Picard inquired.
> "Sickbay has identified the survivors as Prime Minister William
>Lancaster, Reporter Mary Brinkley,
Crow: Is this David Brinkley's descendant?
Tom: No, he never dies. He only has an operation.
>and Cameraman George Greenway," Data
>replied.
> "Could you beam me aboard?" the Queen said, nearly breaking into
>tears.
Joel: Wow, if it's that difficult to ask for a favor, she should take
assertiveness training courses.
> "Certainly,"
Tom: Hey, Moe! Nyuk Nyuk.
>Admiral Picard said. "Enterprise out. Counselor,
>Data, Number One, will you join me in the transporter room. Worf, you have
>the bridge. Start sending your away teams down."
Joel: Call me crazy, but I think those are aweigh teams, but points for trying.
>The Admiral tapped his
>badge. "Commander LaForge, report to transporter room 3."
Crow: (Picard) Marrissa's perfect office can wait.
>Chapter Four
Tom: With more hurting than before....
> Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, Commander Riker, Lieutenant Commander
>Data, and Counselor Troi entered the transporter room. Behind the console
>stood twelve year old. Acting-Ensign Clara Sutter.
Crow: Wow, since they made Woody Allen in charge of personnel, they've been
getting younger and younger.
>Waiting in the front
>was Lieutenant Commander Geordi LaForge. As the Admiral entered he said,
>"Clara, I didn't expect to find you here."
Joel: (Picard) I thought the devival was going on.
> "Marrissa is grooming her for Chief Engineer when she gets her
>own command down the road," Geordi replied for Clara. "So I'm making sure
>Clara here knows a little of everything.
Tom: (Geordi) Where the fry station is, how to take change, what to do
with a shot gun pointed at your face.....
>She has been at a different
>Engineering station every day since we got the E."
Crow: ...and since then, it has equalled MC squared.
Tom: ...and then, MC Hammer.
Crow: ...then, MC Lyte.
> "Her Majesty is signaling for beam up," Clara informed.
> "Beam her aboard, Clara," the Admiral replied. The long blond
>haired Queen materailized on the transporter pad.
Joel: Was she long, or her hair?
>Something about her
>reminded the Admiral of someone but he couldn't put his finger on it.
Tom: Greta Van Sustern!
> "Permission to come aboard?" Queen Victoria asked.
> "Permission granted. May I present my officers?" the Admiral
>asked.
Crow: (Victoria) Please! Present as many as you wish. I'll take em all!
>The Queen nodded. "This is my First Officer, Commander William
>T. Riker."
Joel: No relation to T. Rex.
> "A pleasure to meet you, your Majesty," Commander Riker said.
> "My Second Officer and Chief of Operations Lieutenant Commander
>Data." Data nodded. "My Ships Counselor, Commander Deanna Troi; My
>ship's Chief Engineer, Lieutenent Commander Geordi LaForge. Behind the
>console is this ships young engineering genius,
Crow: Stephen Street!
>Ensign Clara Sutter."
> "From what I have heard, you have a fine crew Admiral," Victoria
>said.
Tom: I bet they said that about the Titanic.
>"I assume that Doctor Crusher and Lieutenant Worf had pressing
>duties such as attending to my Prime Minister and the bomb site,
>respectively, but where is that famous daughter of yours?"
Crow: But she's not as famous as Famous Amos.
> "Marrissa, last I heard, was trying to catch up on some paper
>work," Admiral Picard said.
Joel: (Picard) We're hoping to turn her into a Postal Worker.
>"I prefer not to give her any reason not to
>do it unless I have to."
> "If you don't mind, I'd like to see my Prime Minister," the
>Queen asked.
Crow: (Picard) See him? You can't miss him! Just don't play with the
skin on his face.
> "Certainly. Mister Data, I think you better get started on the
>genealogical research," Admiral Picard ordered.
Tom: (Data) I will contact Everton's right away.
>"If you will follow me,
>your Majesty."
> "Just call me Victoria, Admiral," the Queen said. "I just
>inherited the position last night and already that phrase is getting on
>my nerves."
Crow: See what happens when you play Russian Roulette?
> Queen Victoria, Admiral Picard and Counselor Troi entered
>Sickbay. Doctor Picard met them at the door.
Joel: And the sign on The Door said "Break on through to the other side."
>In Sickbay three people were
>laying in intensive care beds.
Tom: They were covered by Vaseline lotion?
> "Status, Beverly?" Picard inquired.
Crow: Hills: 90210.
> "The Reporter is seriously injured," the Doctor began.
Joel: (Beverly) He was beaten by some weirdo who kept saying "what's the
frequency, Kenneth?"
>"The
>Carmeraman is unlikely to recover. The Prime Minister, while seriously
>injured will recover within a week if he has complete rest."
Tom: Those Delta parties are getting way out of hand.
> "Is it possible for me to see the Prime Minister?" the Queen
>asked.
Crow: (Beverly) Only if you squint really hard.
>"I need him to offically bring word to me that I was proclaimed
>Queen so someone can take charge on the Planet."
Tom: Planet Hollywood?
> "Take charge on the Planet?" Doctor Berverly Picard asked.
>"Jean-Luc what the hell is going on down there?"
Joel: They were throwing a huge party at a hotel and someone invited
Johnny Depp.
> "Hopefully, Doctor, not much since someone blew up the House of
>Parliament a few minutes ago," her husband replied.
Crow: Damn. What's C-SPAN going to fill 30 minutes with?
> "With all 707 members inside," the Queen added rather
>dejectedly.
> "Alright you can see the Prime Minister, but only for a couple
>minutes," Doctor Picard said.
> The Queen walked over to her Prime Minister and friend. "Well
>Bill, what mess have we gotten into now?" she asked him.
Tom: Hmm. A royal mess? D'oh!
> "A big one as far as I can see," William Lacaster replied in a
>whisper as if that was all the volume that he could summon.
> "Can I consider myself informed?" Victoria asked formally.
Joel: (Bill) Yes, and you the viewer at home can, also if you subscribe
to Consumer Reports.
> "Yes, my Queen," he whispered. "How bad is it."
Crow: It's Michael Jackson Bad.
> "You will recover in time, Bill," Victoria said.
Tom: With these words, the empire of Bill W. was born.
> "No I mean your Kingdom,"
Crow: (Bill) For a horse.
> the Prime Minister corrected.
> "The Parliament is all gone except you," the Queen said.
Joel: (Queen) We're going to Morrissey's house to look for a guillotine.
> "But
>don't worry I'm sure I can run the planet for the week the Doctor says
>you will need to recover. Now get some rest." Queen Victoria learned
>over the Prime Minister's bed and kissed him.
Tom: (Bill) But, what about my elaborate gridlock I spent years constructing?
> "Yes, your Majesty," the injured man replied.
> "And stop calling me 'your Majesty,'" the Queen ordered turning
>to leave the room.
>
> After getting off duty, Clara Sutter went to see her good friend
Crow: and fellow Mixologist,
>Marrissa Picard. She found her working on a report on the general state
>of the Department of the Helm as Marrissa refered to those under her
>command. "So how is the Captains daughter holding up today?"
Joel: (Marrissa) Chekov is putting the finishing touches on it.
>Clara asked.
> "What are you doing here, it's the middle of Alpha Shift?"
>Marrissa asked.
Crow: (Clara) Man, the Delts have already shown up with a new keg.
> "Check again, Marrissa, I just got off duty five minutes ago,"
>Clara replied. "Time flies when your having fun."
> "I sure don't consider report writing fun," Marrissa replied
>with a groan. "The burdens of command."
Joel: Jeez, is that all you know how to do? Whine?
> "Marrissa, you are in need of a break -- badly," Clara said.
Tom: Yeah, so you'd shut up every once in a while.
>"Let's go get another Engineer's daughter and a certain Security Chiefs
>son and see what fun we can round up."
Crow: Strip Poker!
> Marrissa Picard, Clara Sutter, Shayna Sachs and Alexander, son
>of Worf
Joel: Alexander decided to copy after his idol The Son of Sam.
>were in the main room of the Klingon Family's quarters. The
>three girls sat on the sofa. Alexander had pulled up a chair from the desk
>nearby. "So what brings you three to my quarters?" the Klingon boy asked.
Crow: Yeah, uh, we're forming a do-wop group. Wanna join?
> "We are on an mission to keep Marrisa here from growing up too
>quickly by filling out all of those reports," Clara said.
Joel: (Clara) In other words, she is whining again.
> "Very Good, a warrior has no need for trivial reports," Alexander
>said.
Tom: (Alexander) That's why I subscribe to the Wall Street Journal.
> "I thought you didn't want to be a warrior," Clara kidded.
Crow: No, he wants to be a Grimaldi warrior!
> "I don't," Alexander replied, "but as a starship captain, that
>will be one of Marrisa's roles."
Joel: Yeah, that and shift manager.
> "If she served in the Klingon fleet, it will be her only role,"
>Shayna jumped in.
> "So how I doubt you will choose such an honored post,
>Marrissa,"
Tom: So, there!
>Alexander said. "I wish Jay were still here."
Joel: He still is! He has only been moved to Fox after the Simpsons.
> "Why Alex," the three girls chorused.
Crow: (Alex Trebek) No, I can't give any points for that. I must ask that
you wait until I call on you to answer the question.
> "You three gang up on me every time we get together," Alexander
>said. Then pointing to the black haired Clara Sutter,
Joel: Oh, Clara's evil twin has entered the room.
> he continued.
>"Especially you."
Tom: (Old woman's voice) You brought the birds! You're evil!
> "I see despite your human blood, you still exhibit the Klingon
>fondness for women with black hair,"
Crow: Sarah Gilbert?
>Clara jibed.
Tom: Doing the hand jibe, come on now, doing the hand jibe...
>Alexander blushed.
> "Give one point to the Acting-Ensign," Shayna said.
> By way of getting away from the Klingon teasing which their
>gathering appeared to have developed Alexander said, "My father has
>informed me that that security test you wanted to try on the Enterprise
>would be fine as long as you inform him first."
> "Inform him, it sounds like the perfect thing to bring Marrissa
>out of this mood she's in," Clara replied.
All: Auuughhh!!! Shut up! Shut up!
> "What mood is that?" Marrissa asked.
Joel: Your Moody Blue mood.
> "Your serious one," Clara replied.
> "Yeah, normally by now you would have jumped on a couple dozen
>openings on either side of our Klingon-Human bashing,"
Crow: Yeah, and you always bring the whip.....
>Shayna added.
> "Very well, let's begin the test," Marrissa droned. Then she
>brightened up. "But I want to be the one to make Lieutenant Lockard wet."
All: (trying to keep from laughing)
Tom: Aren't you a little too young to be doing that?
Crow: Oh! And wear the Clive Anderson mask I love so much!
Tom: Oh, Captain, my Captain....
Joel: Hey, enough.
>She walked over to the replicator, "One bucket of Strawberry juice."
Crow: One puree Strawberry Shortcake doll coming up.
> On the starship Independence, Jay Gordon, Marrissa's good friend
Joel: And Sleazy talk show host,
>and former first officer was just finishing a three hour training session
>for his Kids crew. Unlike Marrissa, who preferred to spread her training
>sessions out,
Crow: And beat them into shape in personal sessions,
>Jay liked to do as many as possible once a week and spend the
>rest of the week evaluating them.
Tom: His good friend Rob Lowe showed him the proper film techniques.
>This suited his crew fine as the time
>allowed them to get the less pleasant ones out of the way and then they
>could get together during the week and repeat those that they had fun with.
>Jay,
Crow: Iron Jay?
> of course took note of the ones that were not done during the week and
>looked for alternatives.
Tom: He then found alternative nation and did away with his work.
> Due to an incident about three months before, Jay though it wise
>to check on the status of the ship before releasing all of his fellow
>children from the various scenarios. Unlike previous times, the eleven year
>old blond haired boy could not get the computer to reply.
Joel: Hal? Answer me!
>Deciding that
>command functions had been disabled, Jay realized his unique position.
Crow: He could take off all his clothes and no one would know!
>Commands given in the Holodeck still worked as long as it was active. (It
>would be harmful if they didn't.)
Joel: Jeez, everything is harmful for you these days.
>They couldn't control the outside
>without proper authorization,
Tom: But those republicans try to anyway.
>but Jay Gordon had a way to get that.
> "Computer, create a new sub-program," Jay ordered. "Using
>current positions, of beings on this ship, create a model of the ship.
>Make it 1/1000th scale and crystal clear.
Joel: Cover it with little Capodimante rose buds and give it the name
"Marrissa's perfect ship."
>Represent species according to
>department, red for those intitled to were red and so forth. Represent
>Kid's crew in purple. Represent hostile personal in florescent green."
Crow: Represent "United We Stand" with jester hats.
> Jay was surprised when the thirty green dots appeared. He was
>even more surprised when he noticed that all the crew were being held in
>cargo bays and the brig.
Tom: Wow! Just like Aliens!
>"Computer, since the crew is in hostile hands
>and the Kids crew has freedom of movement, I request activation of
>Kids crew under regulation 214 section 14 paragraph 4." he said.
>"Confirm transfer of all command codes."
> "Command and Command codes transferred to Acting-Captain Jay
>Gordon as of this time," the Computer said.
Joel: Oh, even this story has a Kenny!
> "Computer restore command function inside Holodeck only," Jay
>ordered, "Authorization, Gordon Thunder Rolls Low Places One One."
Crow: Is that a new Garth Brooks song?
> "Authorization confirmed."
Tom: Let's get out of here.
Joel: No argument here.
( 1..2..3..4..5...6...)
Joel: Well, I think thats about all. Oh, the Mads are calling.
(Deep 13)
(Frank had accidentally hit the communications button. The party is going
in full swing)
Dr. F: Hey, Frank, do you have the new keg?
Frank: Right here, Steve.
Dr. F: You added the right amount of formaldehyde to it?
Frank: I never forget.
Dr. F: I was wondering when you're crew is showing up.
Frank: I think they're in the back. They'll be out in a minute.
Dr. F: (hearing a lot of yelling a cheering from the back) Sounds like a
wild group. Who's back there?
Frank: Hmm. (Thinking for a second) Oh. Drew Barrymore, the band Oasis,
Johnny Depp, Danny Bonaduce, Bobcat Goldwait...
Dr. F: Frank! Those people have caused more structural damage than the
Los Angeles earthquake! What were you thinking?
Frank: I wasn't...
Dr. F: Well, get them out of here before they...
(It's too late. A wild cheer goes up and Dr. F's machine is busted which
undos everything he had done. Frank disappears into nothing).
Dr. F: No!!! Frank, I could kill you! Oh.
(on SOL, Mike has appeared and Joel has vanished)
Mike: The hell?
Crow: Oh man, enough of this for one day. I don't even care any more.
Mike: It was really weird guys, I was in this place, and I must have tied
one on last night because I swear I was talking to a skeleton.
Crow: Yeah, whatever. What we did was more interesting.
Mike: Does this always have to be a competetion? Oh, well. Since I'm
here, though, (he turns to Tom and Gypsy) I've been waiting to deal
with you two.
Tom: Zoinks! Run Scooby! (He and Gypsy take off).
Mike: (Stares after them for a second, then turns to Dr. F) What are you
looking at?
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: (depressed) Haven't figured it out yet. Let's just end this.
(pushes the button)
Disclaimer:
MST3K belongs to BBI and all the people involved in it both past and
present. Joel Hodgson is of course, a trademark name and belongs solely to
Joel Hodgson :)
Thank you to all who wanted to read this and a special thanks to those who
finished it.