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It would be an exaggeration to say that *every* MiSTer wants to MiST a
Stephen Ratliff story. But Ratliff's stories are often discussed in
ratmm and on the MiSTing dibs-list, and "dibs" on a Ratliff is a highly
coveted prize. The eager following generated by his stories is a
tribute to Stephen's persistence, his good-natured responses to
criticism, and the unique interpretation of reality presented in his
oeuvre. His stories are good enough to maintain interest, yet
consistently display certain elements which provoke strong, occasionally
visceral, reactions in so many critics --- all centered around a main
character who has inspired not one, but two, fanfic parodies portraying
her as the embodiment of evil.
So when Stephen Ratliff began posting "Premier Ma[r]qui{s}" last
September, the response on the MiSTing dibs-list was quick and
overwhelming. Two dozen novice and experienced MiSTers asked to be part
of the MiSTing team. In view of such demand, and in a moment of
insanity, the "premier dibser" invited any and all aspirants on the
dibs-list to send in their contributions. Over a dozen individuals
actually answered that call. The technical and editorial problems posed
by such a large Group-MiSTing were remarkable, but finally overcome.
This is not that MiSTing.
This is a standard-style MiSTing written by:
Loren Haarsma <lhaarsma@opal.tufts.edu>,
Jarek Myszewski <V335RY46@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu>,
David Conner <dconner@bellatlantic.net>.
The results of the Group-MiSTing will follow in a few weeks....
(If there is any semblance of continuity in MiSTings, then this MiSTing
occurs shortly before the MiSTing of Ratliff's "Falling into Command.")
--------------------------------------------------
[Season 7 opening credits and theme song]
[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]
[SOL control room.]
[Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are arranged around the desk in the usual
way. On top of the desk is some sort of Milton-Bradley-type board
game. Mike is spinning a wheel which resembles the one in
"The Game of LIFE" (tm).]
CROW: [chanting as the wheel spins] ... Not Guilty ...
TOM: [similar] ... Guilty ...
CROW: ... Not Guilty ...
TOM: ... Guilty ...
CROW: ... Not Guilty ....
[The wheel stops spinning.]
CROW: Awwwwww!
TOM: Ha ha! Yes! A hung jury! "Lose one turn while waiting for
retrial."
CROW: Rats!
[Mike looks up and sees Cambot is on.]
MIKE: Oh, hi everybody! We're just getting some playtesting done on
Tom's new boardgame before the Mads ruin our day. The game's
based on the American legal system, and it's called...
ALL: "Criminal Justice!"
TOM: [legal disclaimer voice] Any resemblance between this game and
Kentucky Fried Movie's "Scot-Free" is purely coincidental.
MIKE: Okay, it's your turn, Gypsy! The district court just turned
down your challenge to the jury selection procedure in your
original trial. What do you want to do?
GYPSY: Ummm ... I'll appeal!
MIKE: OK, who do you want to argue your case?
GYPSY: Richard Basehart!
MIKE: D'oh! [slaps his forehead]
CROW: Should've seen that one coming a mile away....
MIKE: No, I mean, do you want to hire a law firm which costs one
thousand dollars, ten thousand dollars, or a hundred thousand
dollars?
GYPSY: Ten thousand dollars.
[Gypsy opens her mouth wide to reveal play-money clipped inside.
Mike reaches in and takes a bill.]
MIKE: OK. That means I roll the *equal*-odds silver-colored appeals
dice, and the lower court's decision is... [rolls dice] Overturned!
GYPSY: Yaaaay!
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in ten seconds.
MIKE: Your turn, Tom. Things are looking grim. All your pre-trial
motions have been denied. Are you ready for a spin on the verdict
wheel?
TOM: Nuh uh. I'm gonna activate my "media blitz" token *and* play my
"race" card.
MIKE: Ooooooh! Well, I still have to draw from the post-trial pile.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in four ... three ... two....
MIKE: [draws card] And it says ... "Civil suit!"
TOM: NOOOOOOOOOO!
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign now.
[Commercials]
[Return from commercials]
[Mike and bots are cleaning up after the game.]
GYPSY: Wow, Tom, you know a lot about the legal system!
MIKE: ... or at least the way the media reports it.
CROW: Yeah, Servo, since when are you such a legal expert? It's not
like you're a lawyer or anything.
TOM: Au contraire, mon ami! Here's my diploma.
MIKE: [reading] "The Sally Struthers Correspondence School of
Refrigerator Repair and Law"?
TOM: Hey, it's an accredited legal institution in Antigua, the Cayman
Islands, *and* Belize!
[Mads light starts flashing]
MIKE: Uh oh... Perry and Della are calling.
[Mike taps Mads button.]
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Hello, inmates! And may I say that it does my heart proud to
see you playfully dabbling with forces of evil far beyond your
comprehension! Speaking of which, did you get those crates I
sent you this morning? Hmmm?
[SOL]
MIKE: Sure did, Dr. F! We locked them all in the cargo bay, just like
you said.
CROW: What was in them, anyway? They felt like they weighed a ton!
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Never you mind what's in them, serfs! You'll find out soon
enough. [evil chuckle] In the meantime, let's take this legal
evil and run with it, shall we? What would you say if I told
you that today's experiment makes the subject of your boardgame,
by comparison, look like it embodies the wisdom of Solomon and the
truth-seeking of Diogenes?
[SOL]
MIKE: Ummm... I'd say: what is it, some kind of "L.A. Law" fanfic?
CROW: Ha! We could survive one of those without even using *half*
the rec.humor lawyer jokes archive!
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: [giggling wickedly] Ah, my little ragamuffins, I see you have
*no* inkling of the horror that I'm about to inflict on you! Let
me put it to you this way: you might think that the author of
today's experiment has created some creepy portrayals of life,
death, love, friendship, responsibility, shock, grief, parenthood,
politics, diplomacy, military command structures, and children's
rights, but just wait until you get a load of his... *unique*
ideas about criminal justice!
[SOL]
[Mike looks very worried, and the bots are visibly shaking.]
MIKE: Is he saying what I think he's saying?
CROW: Mike, I'm scared. I only know *one* person who fits *that*
description!
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Well, I see it's finally starting to sink in! Not so confident
now, eh bumpkins?
[Pearl Forrester walks into view beside Clayton. She is dressed as a
1950's-tv-style housewife, holding a white feather duster.]
Ma F: [interrupting] Clayton, I think it's so cute the way you toy
with them before you crush their spirits.
Dr.F: [taken aback by the unexpected compliment] Why *thank* you,
Mother! It's so nice of you to notice! [becomes suspicious]
What's going on here?! Why are you cleaning my control panels
with ... a feather duster?
Ma F: It's relaxing. I love to watch as the pristine, white feathers
become irreparably frayed and stained as they encounter the dust
and grime of their surroundings....
Dr.F: Oh. [pause] Can I try?
Ma F: [pinches Clayton's cheek] Wait your turn, Clayton!
Dr.F: Mother, please! Not in front of the test subjects! [leers into
monitor] And as for you, boobies, eat hot You-Know-Who! It's
your day in court, and here come the judge! Get ready to do some
hard time, habeas corpses! [stabs his finger triumphantly on the
button]
[SOL]
[Flashing lights, buzzers, pandemonium, etc.]
MIKE: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]
[Mike and bots enter the theater.]
>> Path: news.tufts.edu!blanket.mitre.org!agate!newsgate.duke.edu!
TOM: ... and I took the Path: less traveled.
CROW: But we keep meeting Ratliff on it!
>> solaris.cc.vt.edu!newsrelay.netins.net!news.dacom.co.kr!
>> arclight.uoregon.edu!usenet.eel.ufl.edu!spool.mu.edu!newspump.sol.net!
>> www.nntp.primenet.com!nntp.primenet.com!howland.erols.net!
TOM: Primenet! The story you are about to hear ... is a great big
piece of....
MIKE: [warning tone of voice] Tom....
TOM: Fiction!
>> newsfeed.internetmci.com!in3.uu.net!hearst.acc.Virginia.EDU!
CROW: Nice recovery, Servo.
>> newslink.runet.edu!not-for-mail
CROW: not-for-usenet!not-for-www!not-fit-for-human-or-robot-consumption!
>> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
MIKE: The perpetrator.
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
TOM: The victims.
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Marqui part 1
CROW: The crime.
>> Date: 4 Sep 1996 01:11:23 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
MIKE: The unindicted co-conspirators.
TOM: If only this thing were un-indited, instead.
MIKE: Huh?
TOM: Look it up.
>> Lines: 125
>> Message-ID: <50ikvr$3kp@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>> Star Trek
>> Deep Space Nine
>> The Marrissa Stories
>>
>> Premier Marqui
CROW: Check it out. He's regressed to misspelling the title again.
MIKE: Boy, that takes me back. Remember when we encountered our very
first Ratliff?
TOM: Ah, the halcyon days of youthful ignorance....
>> by Stephen Ratliff
>>
MIKE: I think we should cut him some slack. "Maquis" isn't in most
spell-checkers.
CROW: The Evil One has a web access, doesn't he? He could easily travel
to the Paramount website and look it up, couldn't he?
MIKE: OK, OK.
>> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and
>> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used
>> fictitiously.
MIKE: Oh, you mean there isn't really a group of overbearing,
egotistical children led by their alpha female Marrissa flying
around the galaxy in starships that an apathetic Starfleet Command
allowed them to usurp control of? Wow, thanks for clearing that
up. I was worried!
>> Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
>> living or dead, is entirely coincidental
TOM: [as Ratliff] Except for the all the bits I borrowed from Paramount,
my high school, and my fellow students at Radford....
>>
>> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company.
>> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
CROW: Looks like Ratliff's getting a mite testy these days.
MIKE: I wonder who could be causing that?
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
TOM: [as Author] "Persons attempting to find competence will be
psychologically traumatized."
>>
>> This story is dedicated to:
>>
>> my cousin Joseph D. Ohlin, juris dr.;
CROW: Poor guy.
>> and
>> the Principles and their assistants of Cave Spring Elementary,
>> Hidden Valley Junior High, and Cave Spring High School,
TOM: [announcer voice] ... Such as Honor, Duty, and Patriotism.
MIKE: Remember, these are Ratliffian principles.
TOM: Oh yes ... Such as Domination, Manipulation, and Violence.
>> especially ...
>> Mr. David Belvins, principal Hidden Valley
CROW: [as Ratliff] When I was 12, I could've run your school *ten*
times better than you did!
>> Mr. David Price, assistant principal Hidden Valley
MIKE: How many people do you know who are *this* fond of their
principals?
TOM: I think these are the people that little Stephen ran to after
getting beaten up every day....
CROW: [as principal] Stephen, they'd leave you alone if you'd just stop
giving them your stories!
>> Doctor Martha M. Cobble, principal Cave Spring High
>> and Mr. Thad James, principle Cave Spring Elementary.
CROW: Wow, those first three people are just scholastic bureaucrats, but
Mr. Thad James is universal!
>>
>> Special Thanks to:
>> Eugen Woiwod, for proofreading
>>
CROW: I'll bet his name is *really* Eugene Wolwood.
MIKE: I think we've filled our spelling flame quota for the day, guys.
TOM: But we haven't even gotten through the dedication yet!
>> Acknowledgments
>> The prologue is a rewrite of the Declaration of Independence by
>> Thomas Jefferson.
ALL: *WHAT*?!?!
CROW: Thrill as Ratliff works his legendary magic on the linchpin of
America's national history!
TOM: You know, if I was a colony living under oppression and tyranny, I
think I'd rather *keep* suffering than let Ratliff write the
document that first defined me as a nation!
>> The USS Stargazer was redesigned with the help of my little
>> brother, Phillip. Don't tell him I told you.
>>
CROW: Yeah, like we're all hanging out with Ratliff's relatives in our
spare time.
MIKE: Don't worry, Phillip, your shameful secret is safe with me.
>>
>> Prologue
>>
>> When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one
>> People to dissolve the Political Bonds
MIKE: Which earn a respectable 7.4% APR.
>> that have connected them with
>> another and to assume among the stars,
CROW: Connect the stars and win fabulous prizes --- on Hollywood Squares!
>> the separate and equal status
>> which the Laws of Nature and the Universe entitle them, a respect for
>> the opinions of the population of the Galaxy demands that they should
>> inform others of the causes which force them to sever ties.
>> We hold these truths ...
MIKE: That a pre-adolescent girl is superior to adults in every way.
>> all people are created equal and are
>> provided with certain unalienable rights. Among these are Life,
>> Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness.
TOM: I can't believe it. Ratliff managed to take one of the most
eloquent political sentences of all time and, um...
MIKE: ... turn it into typical Ratliff prose?
TOM: Yeah.
>> To secure these rights,
>> Governments are instituted, deriving their powers from the consent of
>> the governed,
CROW: ... And advanced military hardware.
>> that whenever any form of government becomes destructive
>> it is the right of the people to change or end that government and
>> replace it with another. That new government laying it's foundation on
>> such principles and organizing its powers in such a way to preserve
>> their Safety and Happiness.
TOM: If this document meant so much to the people who were writing it,
you'd think they would at *least* write complete sentences.
>> Prudence dictates that governments long established should not
>> be changes for light and passing causes. However, when a long train of
>> abuses and usurpations towards an end, showing a design to reduce them
>> to absolute oppression, it is their Right, it is their Duty, to
>> overthrow that government and provide new guides for their future
>> security.
>> Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies, and it
>> is now their duty and right to alter their systems of government. The
>> history of Star Fleet and the United Federation of Planets has shown a
>> repeated disregard for
TOM: Science!
MIKE: The Prime Directive!
CROW: Common sense!
TOM: Competent security practices!
>> these Colonies. As evidence of this, let these
>> facts be set before the Galaxy ...
CROW: [as trial lawyer] And let them be labeled "Exhibit A."
>> They have disregarded our representatives plea for help.
>> They have given us up to another government with out our
>> consent.
>> They have attacked our trade, by restricting the goods we can
>> purchase
MIKE: Sorry, sir. This line's only for customers with fifteen items
or less.
>> They have let bandits supported by their cruel neighbors
>> terrorize us.
TOM: They did put a stop to the terrorism by their kind neighbors,
though.
>> They have kept us from purchasing weapons to defend ourselves.
>> They have hunted down those among us who stood up to defend
>> themselves.
TOM: But spared those who defended themselves while lying down.
>> They have hunted down those among us who supported the
>> aforementioned people.
MIKE: [as Elmer Fudd] Be vewwy, vewwy quiet. I'm hunting webel
supporters. Huhhuhhuhhuhhuhhuh...
>> They have restricted the press's reporting of the deeds
>> occurring here in the zone.
>> They have in acted a treaty without our consent
>> taking away our lands and giving them over to our enemies.
>> We have asked for remedy to our situation from them and received
>> none, only repeated acts of the above. A Government which acts as such
>> is unfit to rule a free people.
MIKE: Oh, buck up and deal with it, you bunch of crybabies! Other
colonies have problems too, you know!
>> Nor have we been wanting in attentions to our Federation
>> Counterparts. We have warned them of Governments Acts. We have
>> reminded them of the Circumstances of our Emigration and Settlement
>> here. We have appealed to their native Justice and Fairness, and ties
>> of common Relation. They too have been deaf to the voice of Justice and
>> Reason. We must, therefore bow before the Necessity,
CROW: [reverently] We worship you, oh Mother of Invention.
TOM: YOU *WILL* BOW DOWN BEFORE ME, SON OF JOR-EL!!!
>> and announce our
>> Separation to become Enemies in War, Friends in Peace.
MIKE: Brothers in Arms.
CROW: Knights in White Satin.
>> We, therefore, the Representatives of the Marqui Colonies of the
>> former Federation-Cardassian Demilitarized Zone, in General Congress,
>> assembled and appealing to the Supreme Judge of the Universe,
TOM: [as Marrissa] Did somebody mention me?
>> do, in
>> Name and by the Authority of the good people of these Colonies, solemnly
>> declare,
TOM: ... that all Ratliff fanfics should be destroyed for the good of
every species in the galaxy.
>> that these United Colonies are and of Right should be a Free
>> and Independent State; that they are absolved from all Allegiance from
>> the United Federation of Planets, and that all Political Connection
>> between them and the aforementioned Federation is and ought to be
>> totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent State, they have
>> full power to wage war, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish
>> Trade,
MIKE: ... whine incessantly....
>> and to do all the other things which Independent States do. And
>> for the support of this declaration, with firm reliance in the
>> protection of the Supreme Power,
CROW: [as God] Hey, leave me out of this!
>> we mutually pledge each other our
>> lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.
>>
TOM: Good thing Thomas Jefferson didn't live to see this....
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>>
>> "No one wants to leave paradise "
MIKE: But *everyone* wants to leave a Ratliff!
>> - sarcastic comment of LCD Eddington,
>> ST:DS9
>>
>>
>>
>> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: INFO: Premier Maqui
CROW: Ah, a new way to misspell the title.
TOM: Twice in one fanfic. Quite an accomplishment even for Ratliff.
>> Date: 11 Sep 1996 01:00:10 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 31
>> Message-ID: <5152uq$n0b@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
TOM: [singing] Oscar.... Oscar Sunlabs....
ALL: [singing] What kinds of kids use Oscar Sunlabs...?
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>> Title: Premier Maqui
>> Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu)
>> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions
>> Expected Completion: 13 weeks
>> TV-Guide-like blub:
TOM: Blub? "TV Guide" has an underwater edition?
CROW: [as Lloyd Bridges] By this time, my lungs were aching for air!
>> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships.
>> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them
TOM: ... by heartily endorsing The Club!
>>
>> Forward:
>> This is the 11th Marrissa Story. Boy have I been arround a lot.
>> Hopefully I've improved in the past 3 years.
ALL: [don't say anything, but shift around uncomfortably]
>> In any case, I'd like to
>> know how I'm doing.
>> Please tell me what you liked, disliked, or just hated. I can
>> take what ever you throw at me.
CROW: How about a grenade?
TOM: I'd settle for some rotten fruit.
>> You can't get any worse that ratmm
>> after all.
MIKE: So this guy "ratmm" is worse than Ratliff? Hope we never run
into *him*!
>>
>> Part 02 follows. Parts will be reposted every month on the first
>> tuesday of the month. New parts will be posted every tuesday.
>>
>> Stephen Ratliff
>>
>>
>>
>> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: NEW Premier Maqui part 2
>> Date: 11 Sep 1996 01:02:06 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 142
>> Message-ID: <51532e$n0b@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: oscar.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
TOM: The PLO was in on this?
CROW: Are you surprised?
>> Title: Premier Marqui
>> Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu)
>> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions
>> Expected Completion: 13 weeks
>> TV-Guide-like blub:
MIKE: Car_and_Driver-like vrooom!
CROW: Byte-type beep!
TOM: Psychology_Today-like cry of absolute torment and existential
despair!
>> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships.
>> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them
TOM: [as soap opera announcer] Meanwhile, Jean Luc discovers that
Beverly is actually....
>>
>> Please tell me what you liked, disliked, or just hated. I can
>> take what ever you throw at me. You can't get any worse that ratmm
>> after all.
>>
>> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and
>> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used
>> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
>> living or dead,
MIKE: ... or an actual story...
>> is entirely coincidental
>>
>> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company.
>> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
CROW: I distinctly remember Ratliff summarizing the plot earlier.
So ... when does he get shot? And can I watch?
>>
>> Chapter One
>>
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard entered the bridge
BOTS: BOOOOOOOO!!! *Hissssss*!!
MIKE: Guys, it's *way* too early in the fanfic for that.
>> of the
>> USS Miranda.
TOM: The first thing she noticed were the fruit-topped hats that
everyone wore.
>> Noticing Captain T'Gwen Washington she said, "Reporting as
>> ordered, Captain."
CROW: [as Marrissa] How soon till you're incapacitated in some improbable
fashion so I can take command?
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] Patience, Marrissa, the author will soon make all the
necessary arrangements.
>> "Lieutenant Commander Picard, I presume," T'Gwen said. "I
>> regret that I can not take command of the Stargazer at the moment, but I
>> must wait for the Victory to arrive so I can turn over command of the
>> Miranda to Captain Zimbata."
>> "I understand, Captain, I assume that means
MIKE: [as Daffy Duck] It's mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! I'm rich! I'm
wealthy! Yahoo!
>> I will be turning
>> command over to our Cardassian First Officer," Marrissa commented.
TOM: Does this sound like Marrissa to you?
>> "No, Gusat has orders to report to Captain Washington of the
>> Stargazer, and since I have not taken command of that vessel yet, he can
>> not report in, and hence command it," Washington commented. "So I guess
>> you will have to stay in command until then."
ALL: [general groans of agony]
MIKE: Well, we only had to wait for the fourth line of dialog for the
inevitable. That didn't take too long, guys.
TOM: Tonight on Plot Contrivance Theater... Marrissa is deftly
maneuvered into commanding a starship she has no business
commanding yet again!
>> "It's no hardship," Marrissa replied.
CROW: [as Marrissa] It's like they say, power corrupts, and absolute
power is fun, fun, fun!
TOM: [singing] ...'til her daddy takes the starship awayyyyyy....
>> "Oh, and Captain, the
>> Cardassian Central Command has requested permission for their officers
>> who will be joining the Stargazer to be allowed to wear Star Fleet
>> uniforms.
MIKE: They're *much* more stylish!
>> The Admiralty has informed them that such decisions are the
>> Captain's prerogative on an individual basis."
>> "Inform the Cardassian Central Command that I will grant that
>> permission," the half Vulcan Captain replied. "I suggest that you grant
>> interim permission as well, Commander."
TOM: It's blazing all-out bureaucratic action on board the USS Miranda!
>> "Aye, sir," Picard replied. "If you'll excuse me, I've just
>> been informed that I'm to attend a diplomatic function tonight aboard
>> the station, and I forgot to pack a dress."
TOM: Jean-Luc wears dresses to diplomatic functions?! [**shudder**]
MIKE: No, Tom ... that's *Marrissa* Picard.
CROW: I suppose she forgot to pack her Starfleet dress uniform too?
MIKE: [as Marrissa] So I'll just go naked. I do like to give the
peasants a little thrill every now and then.
>> "Dismissed, Lieutenant Commander," Captain T'Gwen Washington
>> concluded.
>>
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard walked down Deep Space
>> Nine's Promenade,
CROW: ... or promenaded down DS9's Walk.
>> while waiting for Garak to finish her dress.
TOM: [as Marrissa] Oh, this brings back memories! Right about here
was where Riker landed after I pushed him off the walkway....
MIKE: And she's been pushing around Starfleet officers ever since.
>> As she
>> walked toward Quark's she spied Captain Sisko's son, Jake. "Jake," she
>> called out. As he walked up to Marrissa, she continued, "Remember me,
>> Marrissa?"
CROW: [as Jake] My name is Jake. I thought *you* were Marrissa.
TOM: Tragically, Marrissa's years of megalomaniacal power lust had
finally taken their toll, as she began having ongoing
conversations with herself....
>> "How could I forget the person who provided me with my first,
>> and so far only authorized biography contract," Jake replied.
>> "Especially since it sold five trillion copies, and was on the
>> bestsellers list for 8 weeks.
CROW: [coughs] Five *trillion*?!?!?! Come on, could we please have just
*some* sense of proportion here?
MIKE: Well, I don't know, maybe that's accurate. In Marrissa's universe,
Federation law probably requires that all citizens own a copy of
Marrissa's biography under penalty of death, like Mao's Little
Red Book.
TOM: Yeah, I think that was one of the lesser-known codicils to that
Starfleet regulation mandating a Kids Crew for every starship....
>> Tell me, can I write a sequel?"
CROW: [as Jake] I want to inflict more evil upon the galaxy!
>> "Maybe when I've done a little more," Marrissa said.
TOM: [as Marrissa] We should let the little people bask in my
glory before I dominate the entire galaxy, but let's at least wait
until I become Grand Admiral of Starfleet and Queen of Essex
before we start on the second book. Say, two weeks from now?
>> "Your last
>> one ended when I took that Trakce ship. I've only discovered that I'm a
>> Princess and got promoted since then."
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Oh, and I've slaughtered a few thousand Romulans.
Nothing important.
>> "I didn't see the Enterprise come in, and it's hard to miss a
>> Galaxy class starship," Jake commented.
TOM: I don't mean to say the Enterprise is big, but when it orbits around
a planet, it orbits *around* a planet....
CROW: [rim-shot sound]
TOM: Thank you. You've been a great audience. Enjoy the buffet.
>> "So are you here on vacation?"
CROW: Now there's an old line....
>> "No, I got a promotion and a transfer," Marrissa replied. "I'm
>> now Second Officer and Fighter Commander on the USS Stargazer NCC-2893."
CROW: [as Marrissa] Only 20 lines into chapter one, and I've already
recited all my accomplishments and titles. I'm ahead of schedule!
>> "Congratulations, Marrissa," Jake replied.
MIKE: Whoa! Ratliff actually spelled "congratulations" correctly!
This may be a first!
TOM: Kinda sad, really --- like taking away one of the constants of the
universe. Death, taxes, and "congraduations."
>> "If I remember what
>> my dad said, you'll be having a great adventure in the demilitarized
>> zone."
CROW: [as Jake] My dad often tells me classified stuff like that.
MIKE: Great adventure, right. That's what the soldiers in Vietnam said
about *their* Demilitarized Zone.
>> "The Marqui thought they had problems with the Intrepid class,"
>> Marrissa said. "Wait till they see what my Essex-10 fighters can do."
MIKE: [as Jack Nicholson] Wait'll they get a load of *me*.
>> "Record a battle for me," Jake asked. "It might help with my
>> series I'm writing about a Marqui fighter."
>> "You know a Marqui?" Marrissa inquired
TOM: [as Marrissa] I know a Countess! And I'm a Princess! Did I
mention that I'm a Princess?
>> "Not really, but I've interviewed several captured ones and I've
>> been writing fiction books about one," Jake said. "Hey, isn't that your
>> new first officer, Gusat?"
MIKE: [as Jake] Isn't that the guy who's *supposed* to be commanding your
ship now?
>> "I believe you are right, Jake," Marrissa replied. "If you will
>> excuse me, I better go introduce myself."
CROW: [as Marrissa] And recite *all* my titles and accomplishments again.
>>
>> The Cardassian officer Gusat was on his way to Quarks for a
>> little Dabo
TOM: I guess a little Dabo will do ya....
>> when Marrissa caught up with him. "Gusat," she inquired.
>> "Yes," he responded.
>> "I'm Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard,
ALL: [reciting in unison, dully] ... Second Officer of the USS Stargazer,
Fighter Commander of the USS Stargazer, Lord High Admiral of Star
Fleet Kids Crews, Princess and heir to the throne of Essex, and the
greatest teenager in the history of humanity....
>> I'll be serving as
>> Second Officer and Fighter Commander under you on the Stargazer."
>> "I've been looking forward to meeting you face to face," Gusat
>> smiled.
CROW: [as Gusat, snickering] I just had to find out if the rumors
were true --- a fourteen-year old girl?! What are your
Starfleet people smoking?!?
>> "Have we meet before?" Marrissa asked.
TOM: ... or *MET* before?
>> "We have," Gusat responded. "I was a helmsman on Gul Ducat's
>> ship when you drove him insane."
MIKE: Oh, I know how he feels.
TOM: [as Marrissa] I do have that effect on people....
>> "I wasn't aware that I caused him that much harm," Marrissa
>> replied. "I only wanted to
CROW: [as Marrissa] Kill him, mutilate his body and scatter his
entrails from here to Antares! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! Oh, I'm sorry, you were saying?
>> humiliate him."
>> "Well you did a good job and since he went mad, everyone under
>> him got promoted," Gusat said. "So I must thank you for that."
TOM: [Russian accent] You see, Keptin, you start talking vith
imaginary bunny rabbits, and ve *all* move up in rank!
>> "Your welcome, Glinn," Marrissa replied
MIKE: [as Gusat] No, *your* welcome. *My* thanks....
Argh! Now you bots have got *me* doing grammar flames, too.
BOTS: [snicker]
>> as they sat down at the
>> bar. "Strawberry soda, Quark, and don't you even think of spiking it
>> this time."
>> "Spiking it?" Glinn Gusat questioned.
CROW: [as Marrissa] It's an old Earth sports term. It means
he slammed it to the floor as hard as he could.
>> "He, unintentionally he claims, gave me a strawberry Bajoran ale
>> when I was here for my twelfth birthday," Marrissa explained. "And I
>> had little tolerance for alcohol at the time."
CROW: Now *there's* an image I could've lived without.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] ... 'Coursh, now that I'm older, I'se able to have
all the little drinkies I want, and there'sh [hic!] no effect
on me at all! Say, d'you know you'se kinda cute wish shose
little ridge-y thingies on your head?
TOM: [as announcer] This message was brought to you by the Ratliff
Booze Council, which encourages all underage drinkers to build up
their tolerance in moderation!
>>
>> The Intrepid class starship Fearless was taking a break from
>> demilitarized zone patrol. Admiral Ellis
CROW: [Elvis voice] Thankyouverymuuuuch.
>> had ordered the bridge crew to
>> take shore leave on Greenhome IV, a planet in the DMZ. Captain Seina
>> had left Doctor Francis Pazzi,
MIKE: [Little Caesar's voice] Pazzi pazzi!
>> the Chief Medical Officer in command. If
>> the Captain was going to be forced to take shore leave, he was going to
>> make sure the person responsible was going to suffer for it.
CROW: Punish the doctor for the admiral's decision ... yeah, that makes
sense!
MIKE: Jeez, is there *anybody* in Ratliff's universe who isn't an
obsessive workaholic?
>> Of the 132
>> crew members of the Fearless, only 30 were still on board, those who
>> Doctor Pazzi had decided need shore leave the least.
TOM: [in a sing-songy falsetto] Do do DO do do. Here I am, surrounded
by enemy rebels who are totally familiar with Starfleet equipment
and procedures. I think I'll beam my whole crew down to a planet
for shore leave. Do do DO do do. Nothing could possibly go
wrong. Do do DO do do.
>> "Doctor, a Marqui raider has entered the system," an ensign said
>> from the helm.
>> "Hail them," Doctor Pazzi stated.
TOM: [as ensign] Hailstorm initiated, sir!
>> The ex-Star Fleet Lieutenant Commander Michael Eddington
>> appeared on screen. "Is everything ready?"
>> "The only ones here are us chickens," Pazzi responded.
TOM: Kinda ironic, isn't it, to have the whole crew on the USS Fearless
be a bunch of chickens?
CROW: Does that make them the Chickens of Tomorrow?
>> "Very good, one to beam directly to the bridge," Eddington
>> ordered.
>> The channel closed, and Eddington materialized on the bridge.
MIKE: [as Eddington] No, you idiots! Not London Bridge!!!
>> Doctor Pazzi got up out of the center seat and said,
TOM: [as Pazzi] I see they got you into the crappy fanfics too, eh?
>> "Computer, transfer
>> command to Captain Michael Eddington, per orders."
>> "Transfer complete," the Computer replied. "The USS Fearless is
>> now the Marqui vessel Defiance under command of Captain Michael
>> Eddington."
CROW: Wow! Promotions sure come fast when you know the ship's doctor!
MIKE: Ah, I see Ratliff's piracy scenes are every bit as thrilling as
his battle scenes.
TOM: Wait a minute ... anti-Starfleet people stealing a ship....
Oh no! We've looped back to "Time Speeder"!
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
TOM: And on that note, it's time to go.
[Mike picks up Tom, and they begin to leave the theater.]
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>>
>> "No one wants to leave paradise "
>> - sarcastic comment of LCD Eddington,
>> ST:DS9
>>
MIKE: "Oh, what a memorable quote."
- sarcastic comment of Mike Nelson,
MST3K
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[SOL control room]
[Crow and Tom are wearing three-pointed colonial hats, colonial vests
and powdered wigs. Tom is scribbling on a parchment with a quill pen
behind a tilted desk. Mike enters the room.]
MIKE: Hi guys. What are you doing?
TOM: Oh, we're just declaring independence from Deep 13.
MIKE: Oh, I see. Well, don't let me keep you from... Huh?!? Let me see
that.
[Mike leans down to look at the parchment.]
TOM: See, Mike, we were inspired by Stephen B. Ratliff's stirring
political testimonial about the necessity of asserting your
inalienable rights as sentient beings in the face of tyranny and
oppression.
CROW: Yeah, and we realized that up here on the Satellite of Love,
*we've* got a lot to complain about because of a tyrannical
oppressor, too! So we thought: why should we let Thomas Jefferson
and Stephen Ratliff have all the fun? *We* want a piece of this
action, too!
MIKE: Okay ... so what have you Founding Fathers written so far?
TOM: Well, we just finished it. Let me read it to you and see what you
think. *Ahem*
"When in the course of human and robotic events it becomes
necessary to run to a window and shout, 'I'm mad as hell, and I'm
not gonna take this anymore!' it's usually a pretty good idea to
have a few reasons for doing that in mind so that you can explain
yourself to anyone on the street who looks at you funny, and
especially to the judge that you get hauled in front of for
disturbing the peace.
It seems obvious to us that people and bots should be free to have
pretty much whatever harmless fun they want to and not have to
worry about The Man coming down on them like a ton of bricks. And
if some tyrannical oppressor ain't down wid dat, then it's time to
rise to the call of Michael Jackson's famous battle cry, and 'Make
that change!'
We know, we know, you probably think we're just a bunch of whiners
with nothing better to do than change our system of government,
but believe you us, we wouldn't be doing this if we didn't have
*tons* of good reasons! So now, we must declare that we have
officially Had It Up To Here, and will now become an independent
entity from Deep 13.
The history of the present Mad Scientist of Deep 13 is a history of
repeated injuries and usurpations and really bad hair days, all
having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over
this Satellite. To prove this, let these facts be submitted to a
candid, shocked, and appalled world:
He has confined us to a satellite orbiting high above the Earth.
He has, wilfully and with intent to destroy our sanity, forced
us to watch movies of such a foul nature that no one can escape
from their clutches unscathed.
He has called us together to watch said movies at a place unusual,
uncomfortable, and distant from the video rental depositories,
for the sole purpose of fatiguing us into compliance with his
measures.
He has left us to the mercy of any weird but dangerous aliens
or colossal men who happen to wander by.
He has quartered large blond humans on the satellite without our
consent.
He has denied us our inalienable right to keep and bear
thermonuclear weapons --- even the little bitty ones.
He has failed to provide clearly marked emergency exits in case
of fire.
He has denied us refills for the vending machines in the
cafeteria, forcing us to eat stale Mars bars for snacks.
He has baked cookies and failed to offer us any.
He has denied us access to 1-900 phone numbers.
He has prevented us from developing Meaningful Relationships
with Kim Cattrall, the Creepy Girl, and other personages who have
from time to time struck our fancy.
We have asked him repeatedly to Lay Off, only to be met with
maniacal laughter. Mad Scientists who act as such are unfit
to control their own lives, let alone anyone else's.
And it's not like this is something new we're springing on him
all of a sudden. We've Told It Like It Is countless times, and
even tried to get his sidekick to cut us some slack once in a
while. Nada. We therefore declare, to anyone who cares, that we,
the residents of the Satellite of Love, are Free and Independent
from Deep 13, free to cut whatever deals we want with whomever we
want. To this goal we pledge our RAM chips, our graphic novel
collections, and whatever free time we can shake loose."
TOM: Well, whaddya think?
MIKE: I like it! Good job, guys! So when do we send this to
Dr. Forrester?
CROW: Oh, we already did!
TOM: Yeah, this here is the copy that we're going to preserve in an
airtight cube and put on display in the Satellite Historical
Archives. We already sent another copy down the Umbilicus to the
Mads.
MIKE: You know, for a couple of robots who claim that they can't clean
their rooms because their arms don't work, you guys sure work fast
when you want to.
TOM: But Mike, that's completely different, don't you see, because....
[The Mads light starts flashing.]
TOM: Whoops, it's Dr. F! He must have read our Declaration.
[Mike hits the Mads button.]
[Deep 13]
[In the background, Pearl Forrester, dressed in combat fatigues and
carrying various weapons, walks past the monitor. Clayton ignores
this. Dr. Forrester is holding his copy of the SOL's Declaration of
Independence in one hand and wiping tears out of his eyes with his
other hand. He seems very moved.]
Dr.F: Hello, revolutionaries! [sniff, sniff] Well, I guess I
should have known this moment would come. These test subjects
today just grow up so fast, don't they? [sniff] Anyway, I
just read your little plea for freedom, and what can I say? I
guess I've come to see the error of my ways. Darn it,
experimentation without representation is just plain wrong!
So I'm going to fulfill your little hearts' desire and grant
you the independence you crave. From now on, the Satellite of
Love is a distinct and separate entity from Deep 13 Research Labs.
[SOL]
CROW: Hey! That was easy!
TOM: Why didn't we think of this before?
MIKE: I don't believe it! You're really going to grant us independence,
Dr. F?
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: That's right, Mike! No longer must you suffer the bonds of
oppression and injustice! Freedom is yours, my little
Minutemen! But in order to make it official, there's just one
thing left to do....
[Dr. Forrester walks over to a wall and opens a panel. Inside is a
switch marked "SOL Life Support." Dr. F. pulls the switch from the
On position to Off.]
Dr.F: There! Now you're no longer dependent on Deep 13 for your
atmosphere! You're free to find your own source of oxygen!
Free as the air you breathe! Of course, that's going to be in
short supply before long, but what do you care? You're free
to chart your own course, to determine your own destiny, to
live out your lives! Mike's life might be a little shorter
than everyone else's up there, but there's always a price to
pay for freedom, isn't there? Well, I wish you luck! Enjoy
your newfound freedom! Hope you've got the *constitution* for
it, Mike! [Dr. Forrester breaks into maniacal laughter.]
[SOL]
[Mike's breathing is labored, and his face is blue.]
CROW: Mike's turning blue! We gotta do something, Servo!
TOM: C'mon Dr. F., this isn't funny anymore! Mike's suffocating here!
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Sorry, guys, you're independent now! That means your life
support is now your problem! Although ... there might be a
way....
[SOL]
CROW & TOM: What? WHAT?!?
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Well, your little document *does* give you the power to make
treaties. And if we were to draw up an agreement in which
*you* continue to watch what I send you in exchange for *me*
sending you life support, I'm *sure* we can arrange to....
[SOL]
[Mike collapses behind the control panel.]
CROW & TOM: We agree! WE AGREE!!!
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Fine! I'll have my secretaries get right on it, and have the
treaty sent up the Umbilicus for you to sign as soon as it's
done. And as a gesture of good faith.... [Dr. F. switches the
SOL life support back on.] Now hurry on back to the theater,
you little wild rebels! There's lots more Ratliff left to
watch!
[SOL]
TOM: [sigh] Right back where we started.
CROW: Yeah, but at least we're watching bad movies and usenet posts
as a free and independent nation now!
TOM: [frustrated] Crow....
[Lights flash, buzzers buzz, pandemonium erupts.]
TOM: Aaaah! Fanfic sign! Quick, Crow, drag Mike along, we gotta go....
[commercials]
========================== Part 2/4 ===================================
[return from commercials]
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[Mike and bots stumble into the theater.]
>> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maqui part 3
>> Date: 17 Sep 1996 19:06:55 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 198
>> Message-ID: <51mssf$9ae@newslink.runet.edu>
CROW: You gonna be OK, Mike?
MIKE: Yeah. <cough> *Man* I hate it when he does that.
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: plunky.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
TOM: "Plunky"?
>>
>> Premier Maqui*
>> by Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu)
>> part 3
>>
>> * Note: I'm trying to use the singular here. Maquis (as in the episode)
>> is refering to the group. I'm refering to just one.
CROW: Ha ha! That's our Ratliff! For every spelling error he corrects,
he has to make another one right away to balance it out!
MIKE: Does this mean Ratliff's gonna introduce us to the leader of the
Maquis movement?
CROW: Maybe it's Marrissa's evil twin!
MIKE: Either bite your tongue, or I'll rip out your voice box.
CROW: Hey, come on, at least that would give us someone to root for!
>>
>> Chapter Two
>>
>> Captain's Log
>> USS Stargazer
>> STARDATE 50378.4
>> Captain T'Gwen Washington recording
>> Captain Zimbata of the Victory, having arrived to relieve me of
>> the Miranda, I hereby accept command of the USS Stargazer, NCC-2893, the
>> first ship of the Stargazer class.
CROW: Why is she recording this for Captain Zimbata? And how did she
arrive to relieve herself of the Miranda?
MIKE: It's Ratliffian syntax, Crow....
>> I look forward to beginning our
>> mission to reduce tensions in the demilitarized zone
MIKE: Ratliff is sending armed ships into a "demilitarized zone" to
reduce tensions?
TOM: He probably thinks it's a zone that suddenly has lots of demilitar
crystals in it or something....
>> by restraining the
>> Marqui and their Cardassian counterpart, the Hi'den order, or the order
>> of the forgotten and abandoned.
CROW: So ... they'll be playing "Hi'den Seek!"
>> Joining me on this mission will be my Cardassian first officer,
>> Gusat, and several other members of the Cardassia Central Command.
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] The Maquis believe that Starfleet is cooperating with
the Cardassian government to destroy the Maquis. To convince them
otherwise, we're inviting a Cardassian crew onto our Star Fleet ship.
>> In
>> addition, I have the pleasure of one Lieutenant Commander Marrissa A.
>> Picard,
TOM: I hope she's not implying that there could be *more than one*
Marrissa. [*shudder*]
>> serving as my Second Officer and Fighter Commander. Her youth
>> and vigor,
ALL: Saaaaaay!!!
>> not to mention ability will be a refreshing change from the
>> Miranda, where all my officers were older than 40,
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] ... and therefore totally incompetent.
CROW: Never trust anyone over forty!
>> 5 years older than
>> myself at the least.
TOM: Do you get the idea that Ratliff saw "Logan's Run" once, and
decided that they really had the right idea for how to run a
society?
>> Most of our personnel have arrived. However, I am distressed by
>> the lack of a Chief Engineer. Currently no one is assigned there. I am
>> now meeting with each of my command officers to get to know them better.
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] I'm gonna get sloshed with them down at the bar and
try to figure out what we did wrong to deserve getting stuck with
The Little Princess....
>>
>> "So Glinn," Washington asked. "What do you think of our young
>> fighter commander?" As they lounged in her Ready Room.
CROW: ... or readied in her Lounge Room....
TOM: Oh, great, strap yourselves in for yet another "All Sing the
Praises of Commander Marrissa Amber Flores Picard" scene!
>> "If she does as well with fighters against Marqui; as she does
>> with a saucer section, and a top-of-the-line Cardassian warship," Glinn
>> Gusat stated, "then she has my confidence.
CROW: Wait a minute ... when did she fly a Cardassian warship?
>> I certainly don't want to be
>> the pilot of the ship facing her again, and as for the weapons officer,
>> perish the thought."
MIKE & CROW: Huh?
TOM: Red alert! Syntax breach is imminent!
>> "Good, then I can expect few conflicts between you and our strong
>> willed fighter commander," the half-Vulcan replied.
MIKE: [announcer voice] ... Can two power-mad officers from different
species live on the same ship ... without driving each other crazy?
BOTS: [start humming the "Odd Couple" theme]
>> "And by the way,
>> you might want to pass the word not to call her Risa.
CROW: [as Gusat] No pleasure planet. Got it.
>> According to our
>> Chief Tactical Officer, that makes her mad enough to resort to practical
>> jokes under the guise of a drill."
>> "Practical jokes during a drill," Gusat responded. "I'd like to
>> know how she does that."
TOM: I'd like to know why she hasn't been court-martialed and flogged
for it!
MIKE: Annoying fellow crew members with childish pranks is easy ... once
you know the secret!
>> "I'm sure Lieutenant Ross Lockard will inform us," Washington
>> said.
CROW: [heavy sigh of despair] The "comic relief" scene, ladies and
gentlemen. The "comic relief" scene.
>>
>> At that moment, Lieutenant Ross Lockard was greeting the fighter
>> pilots in the Fighter bay. Twenty-nine Cardassians and an equal number
>> of Starfleet personnel stood in ranks by seniority in the over 10,000
>> square foot bay.
TOM: Isn't that kind of small for a fighter bay? That's, like, one
third the size of a football field!
MIKE: Oh, it's not the real fighter bay, it's just the Fisher-Price
Kids Crew fighter bay.
>> "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am the Chief Tactical Officer
>> on this vessel, Lieutenant Ross Lockard," he began.
ALL: Hi Ross!!!
>> "Your Commanding
>> Officer, the Fighter Commander, Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard,
ALL: [reciting in unison, dully] ... Second Officer of the USS Stargazer,
Fighter Commander of the USS Stargazer, Lord High Admiral of Star
Fleet Kids Crews, Princess and heir to the throne of Essex, and the
greatest teenager in the history of humanity....
>> had 'affairs of state' to finish
MIKE: So *that's* what kids call it these days.
CROW: [British] You know, "affairs of state," wink wink, nudge, nudge,
he said, knowingly, say no more, say no more....
>> and will be joining us later.
>> Meanwhile, it is my job to introduce you to the rules and regulations
>> of this vessel.
CROW: [as Ross] Rule #1: Marrissa is God. That's all. Any questions?
>> "First, you are expected to keep your fighters in order. We
>> only have fifty of them and a rather short engineering staff.
TOM: Hey, discrimination against the vertically-challenged is illegal
in the 24th century!
>> In fact
>> we are still waiting for a Chief Engineer.
CROW: [as Ross] Any of you guys feel like going down to Engineering and
giving it a try?
>> "Secondly, as to obeying orders, you are to obey all the orders
>> of those ranked above or positioned above you.
CROW: I don't know whether to read that line as blatantly obvious, stupid,
or kinky.
MIKE: Ratliff? Come here and let me slap you. I think that little-
known tidbit of military discipline was covered in basic training,
don't you?
>> Your direct superiors
>> will be the Fighter Commander, the First Officer, Glinn Gusat, and the
>> Captain, T'Gwen Washington.
>> As Ross concluded his remarks, Marrissa Amber Picard entered the
>> bay.
TOM: The air chilled noticeably and an eerie chanting began in the
background.
>> Noticing her Ross
CROW: [as Marrissa] That's *my* Ross!
>> announced, "Now here is your commanding officer,
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard."
ALL: [reciting in unison, dully] ... Second Officer of the USS Stargazer,
Fighter Commander of the USS Stargazer, Lord High Admiral of Star
Fleet Kids Crews, Princess and heir to the throne of Essex, and the
greatest teenager in the history of humanity....
>> As he moved to leave, he
>> whispered in Marrissa's ear, "I got them ready for you, enjoy."
CROW: [as Ross] I warmed 'em up for you. Now make 'em laugh, kid!
>> "Fellow pilots," she began. "As Ross has no doubt informed you,
>> I am the fighter commander on this vessel. I am also the second officer
>> as well.
CROW: [as Marrissa] And a princess! Did I mention that I'm a princess
too?
TOM: Yes, she is also, additionally, concurrently, and simultaneously
a princess as well, besides, at the same time, too.
>> Since I have the honor of serving as fighter commander, it is
>> my duty to organize this department and provide a chain of command. A
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Here... take these chains and put them on!
>> full chain of command in the department will take awhile but organizing
>> it will not. After I have dismissed you, you will find your wing and
>> quarters assignment on the wing status display board on the right side
>> wall as you exit the bay toward engineering. I am now also prepared to
>> announce your wing commanders.
TOM: Ooo, a new Wing Commander! Does Mark Hamill fight the Kilrathi in
this one, too?
>> This is based on those tests you all
>> took in the past couple days.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] You remember... that "Are You Compatible With Your
Fellow Pilots" test that I got out of last month's "Cosmo"?
>> Red wing, Lieutenant junior grade
>> Katherine Lockard, Blue wing, Lieutenant junior grade Matthew Grubb,
CROW: Age 12....
>> Green wing, Lieutenant junior grade Tibek,
TOM: Age 11....
>> Black wing, Dar Dukat Mikor,
>> Brown wing, Assist Dar Ekat, Orange wing, Assit Dar Davek, and last but
>> not least our combined wing, Yellow, Lieutenant junior grade Tanis
>> Solar.
TOM: Hey, it's the Rainbow Coalition! 'Cause it's different races,
see, and all those colors... ah, forget it!
>> Please report to the conference lounge on deck 7 at 1100 hours,
>> tomorrow. That is the Wing Debriefing Room, so please make sure you
>> know where it is."
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Ha ha, I lied! It's another of my brilliant
practical jokes! It's not on deck 7, it's on deck 14! Ha ha,
you're all demoted!
>>
>>
>> Twelve-year-old Kerstin Szustakowski was in class when it all
>> began on the Roanoke.
TOM: Oh no....
>> First the ship went to Yellow Alert.
TOM: Don't tell me....
>> Then the
>> ship shook and went to Red Alert. Finally her teacher collapsed.
TOM: Miiiiiiiike! He's doing it again, isn't he?!
MIKE: I'm afraid so, guys.
BOTS: [bone-chilling wails of anguish]
>> As the rest of her class was sitting there shocked at the
>> teacher's collapse, only Kerstin could take the initiative.
MIKE: [as Kerstin] Come on, everybody! Let's *PARTY*! SCHOOL'S OUT
FOREVER!!
>> "Classroom
>> Two to Sickbay, Medical Emergency," she said. There was no response.
BOTS: [Whimper] Mike, make it stop! Please!
MIKE: C'mon guys, don't give in. Help me out here!
>> "Medical Emergency in Classroom Two." Still no response.
MIKE: Looks like the doctor's been writing his own prescriptions
again....
CROW: Brace yourself! Ten seconds to plot device!
BOTS: [shudder]
>> "Kerstin to
>> Engineering." No Response.
CROW: ... seven ... six ...
>> "Kerstin to the Bridge." No Response.
TOM: Kerstin, take the hint! Nobody wants to talk to you!!!
CROW: ... four ... three ...
>> "Computer, crew status, authorization Kerstin Alpha Five Four Oh Kids."
>> "Adult crew out of commission due to
CROW: [as computer] ... cheesy plot device.
>> unknown compound in
>> ventilation," the Computer responded. "Activating Kid's Crew, Kerstin
>> Szustakowski now in command. Intruder alert, on the Bridge."
MIKE: Just when you thought the adults in this story were already
useless enough, Ratliff invents a gas to complete the job!
TOM: No, no, no, NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Not again! I refuse to acknowledge
that Ratliff is *yet again* writing a plot contrivance with a
mysterious unknown compound that disables adults, but somehow
leaves members of the Kids Crew completely unharmed! Not only is
it the most blatantly contrived and overused plot device in
Ratliff's entire body of work, but it MAKES NO SENSE!!!!! If
anything, the kids should be *more* susceptible to all the unknown
compounds and chemicals and stuff! Lalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!!
I'm not listening to you, Ratliff! It's not happening!
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!!!
>> "Transfer command to Classroom two, lock down the bridge and
>> change all command codes
CROW: Do you think Marrissa has been using this "Ratliff gas" in smaller
doses all along to assist in her rise to power? It would explain
a lot!
>> to settings in file
>> KidsCrew/Operation/Codes/Kerstin," the eleven year old girl ordered.
MIKE: She's only been in command for a few seconds, and already she's
a year younger!
CROW: Think Tom's gonna be all right?
MIKE: I don't know....
TOM: [still shuddering] HmmHmmHmmHmmHmm!
>> "Seal all sections that Intruders occupy with force fields."
MIKE: What about the sections that intruders occupy with other means?
>> "Unable to comply, system disabled," was the computer's
>> response.
>> "Great," was Kerstin's reply, as she tapped her combadge. "All
>> Kid's Crew members report to Classroom Two.
CROW: [as Kerstin] Recess is over!
>> Computer, their is
>> decompression problems on the bridge and the other areas the Intruders
>> occupy, lower bulkheads."
>> "No pressure drop located."
TOM: [as Hal] I'm afraid I can't do that, Kerstin....
CROW: He'll be OK.
>> "There is a sensor malfunction, lower bulkheads, authorization
>> Kerstin Alpha Four Oh Five Beta Princess."
MIKE: Isn't that a Japanese cartoon show? A Sailor Moon spin-off or
something?
CROW: Yeah, but you have to call it "anime."
>> "Lowering bulkheads."
TOM: You're pronouncing it wrong, Crow. It's "ah-nee-may," not "a-neem."
CROW: Oh, bai-tee may!
>>
>> The next mornings staff meeting on the Stargazer was held in the
>> conference lounge below the bridge at 0800 hours.
CROW: The conference lounge would be above the bridge from 1200 to
2400 hours.
>> In attendance were
>> Captain T'Gwen Washington, Commander Gusat,
MIKE: [as Gusat] <mumble grumble> ... stupid morning meetings ...
<mumble grumble> ... coffee....
>> and Lieutenant Commander
>> Marrissa Picard. The new Chief of Operations, the Cardassian Assist
>> Duvet, and the Chief Tactical Officer, Lieutenant Ross Lockard were also
>> there. Just arriving was the Doctor and Chief of Security.
>> The half-Vulcan, half human
MIKE: [as announcer] ... All Action!
>> Captain began, "Ladies and
>> Gentlemen, welcome to the Stargazer,
CROW: [as T'Gwen] Please enjoy the buffet.
>> since not all of you have met, we
>> will begin with introductions. Please tell us your name, and your duty
>> assignments.
TOM: Ratliff? Hello? We covered this in the preceding paragraph!!!
MIKE: Sorry, Tom ... it's like some kind of ritual with this guy.
TOM: Just *once*, can't Ratliff just say, "They introduced themselves
to each other."?!?
>> I am T'Gwen Washington, Captain. My job is commanding
>> officer."
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] I'll do Captain things and generally be the Captain
when a Captain is needed.
CROW: Must be the remedial staff meeting for guys who only got into
Starfleet Academy on football scholarships.
>> She gestured to her right.
>> A Cardassian spoke up, "I am Gusat, Glinn. I am the First
>> Officer."
MIKE: [as Gusat] I'll do the Captain stuff when she's not around.
>> Next to him, another Cardassian spoke up, "Duvek, Assist Glinn,
>> Chief of Operations."
CROW: Czar of unnecessary medical procedures.
>> Beside him was yet another Cardassian, "Assist Gavek, Chief of
>> Security."
>> Beginning down the other side was a brown haired man, who
>> stated. "Ross Lockard, Lieutenant, Chief Tactical Officer."
CROW: [as Ratliff] Hi, my name is Stephen Ratliff, and I'm an
introduce-aholic.
MIKE & TOM: HI STEPHEN!
>> Next was a man in medical attire with straw-like hair.
>> "Lieutenant Commander Jackson Johnson, Chief Medical Officer," he
>> drawled.
MIKE: [as CMO] I heal people when they're sick and injured and stuff.
TOM: [as CMO, with drawl] Y'all c'mon dawwn t' Sic Bay any time'n ya
want chitlins an' gravy. It's mah spec-i-al-ity.
>> And last but certainly not least
ALL: Oh, *certainly* not!
>> was the blond girl on the left
>> of the Captain. She recited.
MIKE: ... Here it comes again....
>> "Princess Marrissa Amber Picard,
>> Lieutenant Commander, Second Officer, Fighter Commander.
CROW: [as Marrissa] But I just *hate* titles....
>> Shall I go on
>> to my duties that do not pertain to this ship?"
TOM: [as officers] Oh, sure, just go ahead and drone on about things
which are absolutely irrelevant to doing our jobs, but will inflate
your ego even more than it already is. We'll all sit here and
pretend to be enthralled since you control who lives and who dies....
>> "Go ahead, I'd like to know what else you have to do," Gusat
>> responded.
MIKE: [as Gusat] ... so they'll know what to put on your obituary after
you die at my hand.
>> "Coordinating Officer of the Kid's Crew program, Heir to the
>> throne of Essex," Marrissa finished.
CROW: "Finished?" Ha! She's only *begun* to collect power and titles!
TOM: [as commercial announcer] The introduction sequence! It serves a
much needed purpose in today's fanfic, much like Roger Corman's
walking scenes, the rock-climbing in "Lost Continent," and almost
all of the movie "Sidehackers"! So the next time *you* need to pad
out a story, be sure to consider the padding method preferred by
Stephen Ratliff! Introduction sequences! Ask for them by name!
>> "I have just found us a Chief Engineer, Lieutenant Virginia
>> Szustakowski. She will be joining us in the zone," Captain Washington
>> concluded.
>> "Bridge to Captain Washington," Katherine Lockard interrupted.
>> "Go ahead Lieutenant," Washington replied.
>> "A priority one signal has come in from Captain George Siena of
>> the Fearless," Lieutenant Katherine Lockard announced.
TOM: Along with Commander Bart Tungsten and Lieutenant Cliff Beefpile,
Captain George "Burnt" Siena kicked butt across the galaxy!
>> "Request for
>> immediate assistance.
CROW: Ironically, the Fearless is in a panic!
>> Captain Sisko has asked if we can handle it, since
>> Commander Worf has the Defiant in the Gamma Quadrant."
>> "Inform Sisko that we will be underway as soon as he gives us
>> clearance," Captain Washington replied, standing up.
CROW: Umm, maybe I'm missing something here, but doesn't "immediate
assistance" imply that they've got clearance or whatever?
MIKE: In the Ratliverse, all requests for emergency assistance have
to be filed in triplicate and cleared with both Starfleet Command
and Kids Crew Headquarters before anybody's allowed to help.
>>
>> From the stairs to the deck below, the Command crew of the USS
>> Stargazer emerged onto the bridge.
MIKE: No one will be seated during the gripping stair-climbing scene.
>> Lieutenant Katherine Lockard
>> relinquished the Command chair to Captain T'Gwen Washington as the rest
>> of the Command crew filed in. She took over the helm from some junior
>> officer.
TOM: [as announcer] Ensign Throwaway is back! And this time,
it's personal!
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] Wait! Hold everything! There's a junior officer here
whose name we don't know! We're not going *anywhere* until we start
another round of introductions!!!
>> Glinn Gusat took his seat beside the Captain. Duvek relieved
>> his second, Lieutenant Lavelle and Lieutenant Lockard and Assist Gavek
>> both took up tactical as Lockard was helping Gavek learn the system.
CROW: Oh, this is encouraging. Let's go into a crisis situation with
half of our crew learning on the job!
TOM: At least they don't have to wait until next Tuesday for most of
their equipment....
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard
ALL: [reciting in unison, dully] ... Second Officer of the USS Stargazer,
Fighter Commander of the USS Stargazer, Lord High Admiral of Star
Fleet Kids Crews, Princess and heir to the throne of Essex, and the
greatest teenager in the history of humanity...
>> sat down at the Fighter Commander
>> console.
>> "Ops, do we have clearance?" Captain Washington asked.
TOM: [as Ops] Yes, up to 50 percent off all items in the store.
>> "Clearance from Deep Space Nine has been logged," Duvek replied.
MIKE: "Got your clearance, Clarence?"
CROW: "What's your vector, Victor?"
TOM: "Roger, Roger."
MIKE: The "Airplane" sketch, ladies and gentlemen, the "Airplane" sketch.
>> "CONN?"
TOM: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!
MIKE: Oh, come on, Tom, we've done that joke about 58 times by now!
TOM: Yeah, I know, but it's not a joke, it's primal scream therapy
to stave off the despair and horror of knowing that this Ratliff
fanfic has barely even *started* yet.
>> "Departure course laid in and awaiting your command," Katherine
>> Lockard replied.
CROW: Maybe we should just give up and scream through the entire fanfic.
>> "Release Docking clamps, forward and aft thrusters to station
>> keeping. Port thrusters to one quarter," T'Gwen Washington ordered.
>> "Take us out, Lieutenant."
TOM: Always obedient, the Lieutenant drew her phaser and took out the
entire bridge crew. Marrissa was instantly, irrevocably and
permanently disintegrated. Then she pointed the weapon at her own
head and fired. The End.
MIKE: I can see that scream didn't last very long....
>>
>> Stargazer pulled away from lower pylon two of Deep Space Nine.
>> Sliding sideways she
CROW: She slides sideways by the seashore!
>> cleared the port and then pulled out of Deep Space
>> Nine away from the wormhole.
MIKE: The raucous "No More Marrissa" party at Quark's could almost be
heard through the vacuum of space.
>>
>> "Now clear of Deep Space Nine," Kathy announced.
>> "Captain Sisko sends his best wishes," Assist Glinn Duvek
>> informed.
TOM: [as Duvek] Oh, he also said: "Don't come back if *she's* on board."
>> "Thank him for me. CONN course, one five two, mark six two,"
>> Captain Washington ordered. "Warp eight, it's time we see what this
>> ship can do. Commander Picard, have two wings ready to take off on a
>> moment's notice."
CROW: [as Marrissa] Yes, Captain, but it'll take time for me to grow
them, and it's really going to hurt to remove them!
>> "Blue and Black wings will be ready in five minutes," Marrissa
>> replied. "Please note that in the future I intend to cut that time to
>> two minutes."
TOM: [as Marrissa] Beatings will continue until the pilots bend
to my will.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] I've been studying up on 20th Century KGB torture
and blackmail techniques to keep my people in line!
>> "So noted," Captain Washington said.
CROW: [as T'Gwen] And please note that in the future I intend to cut
your throat at the first opportunity....
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>>
>> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I
>> would feel about being called names."
>> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager.
MIKE: Yup. Ratliff *is* feeling testy these days.
>>
>> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 4
MIKE: Check it out, guys. He got the title right this time!
CROW: Now let's see if he sticks with it.
>> Date: 24 Sep 1996 14:01:43 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 66
>> Message-ID: <528pk7$291@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
TOM: I didn't know Yassir Arafat was an empath.
>>
>>
>>
>> Chapter Three
>>
>> The Maquis did not expect any resistance from the Roanoke, after
>> all
MIKE: ... everyone had mysteriously disappeared from that colony centuries
ago.
>> they had a drug that caused instant loss of consciousness in the
>> adults they had tested it on. However
TOM: ... their plan failed, due to the well-known scientific fact that
human children are biologically an entirely different species from
adults.
>> almost as soon as they arrived
>> the bulkheads went down, trapping them on the Bridge and Engineering.
>> Kerstin and her Kid's crew had destroyed their ship.
CROW: Kerstin panicked and activated the self-destruct?
MIKE: We wish!
TOM: Chalk up another several dozen deaths for Marrissa and her army of
the damned.
>> They couldn't
>> access the Computer.
MIKE: [as Maquis] Damn that password-protected screen saver!
>> They did manage to sabotage the ship's engines by
MIKE: ... pulling the distributor cap?
CROW: ... plugging the exhaust pipe with a potato?
TOM: ... pouring sugar in the warp core?
>> manually removing key computer components, but that was all they could
>> do.
>> Kerstin Szustakowski had their number, and was about to call it.
MIKE: [as Kerstin] B ... Eight!
CROW: Bingo!
>> As soon as reinforcements arrived that is. Two dozen children versus two
>> scores of Maquis, that just wasn't odds that Kerstin liked.
MIKE: Aw, that's just because this is Kerstin's first Ratliff story.
CROW: The touching naivete of youth....
TOM: I'm sure she'll get with the program before too long.
>>
>> "Someone has stolen Captain Seina's ship," Washington stated
>> before her assembled bridge crew.
MIKE: Stargazer bridge crew comes with everything you see here. Some
assembly required. Batteries not included.
>> "Excuse me Captain, did you say stole?" Lieutenant Ross Lockard
>> asked, shocked. "You don't steal a starship ... we haven't had one
>> stolen since Kirk stole the Enterprise."
TOM: Hey, didn't somebody steal a starship in "Time Speeder?"
CROW: Yeah, but this story takes place somewhere before "Time Speeder."
Isn't Marrissa a full Captain in "Time Speeder?"
TOM: No, "Time Speeder" actually occurs shortly before this story in
Ratliff's timeline. She's in command, of course, but she's not
a captain.
CROW: I guess even Ratliff wants to forget about that story!
>> "Captain Seina believes the Maquis commandeered his vessel,"
>> Washington replied.
MIKE: I don't know what frightens me more --- that Ratliff created this
insanely detailed timeline for his stories and promptly ignores it,
or that we've got the damn thing memorized now....
>> "He also suspects his Doctor, who he left in
>> command, has something to do with it."
>> "Makes sense," Glinn Gusat responded.
TOM: [as Gusat] ... except for the parts about leaving a Doctor in
command, and giving almost your whole crew shore leave while in
hostile territory....
>> "After all someone had to
>> arrange for the right people to come aboard."
CROW: [snooty voice] We only allow the *right* people onto our starships.
>> "The ship's Chief Medical Officer, even one with his commander's
>> pips doesn't have that much power," Doctor Johnson observed. "Someone
>> else must have been involved."
TOM: [as Johnson] I think it was the guy behind the grassy knoll.
>> "Agreed, Doctor," T'Gwen Washington responded. "But I'm afraid
>> we may never find out who. Admiral Ellis has imposed a gag order.
CROW: [as T'Gwen] We have orders to put a gag on Marrissa!
ALL: [cheering and applause]
MIKE: So, has anybody else spotted the subtle clues that Admiral Ellis
might secretly be one of the bad guys?
TOM: Have *you* guessed the identity of the secret villain? If so,
turn to page 125 and see how Encyclopedia Marrissa solved
"The Case of the Evil Admiral Ellis!"
>> We
>> may search for the Fearless, but no one is to speak of suspected reasons
>> for her disappearance."
>> "Makes sense," Glinn Gusat commented.
TOM: [as T'Gwen] It's also been rumored that the Fairy Godmothers of
Xanadu gave the Maquis a magic powder that let them transform the
Fearless into a polka-dotted rhinoceros so that they could pass
through Federation territory without being noticed!
CROW: [as Gusat] Makes sense.
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] We've also determined that the Borg invasion was
*really* triggered by the Masons and Communists of old Earth under
the leadership of Adolf Hitler in order to provide a cover for their
plan to gain a controlling interest in the dilithium mining industry!
CROW: [as Gusat] Makes sense.
>> "I'm glad it makes sense to you, Glinn," Marrissa replied. "It
>> makes very little for me."
>>
>> Kerstin Szustakowski had just reached Admiral Ellis. Apparently
>> an urgent call from the Captain of a Kid's Crew was not urgent to the
>> Admiral.
TOM: Finally, an admiral with some brains.
CROW: Have we *ever* seen one of those in Star Trek?
TOM: Hmm.... Well, Kirk, I guess, but I think that's the reason
they had to demote him....
>> "What is it? I've got Personnel Review Forms to finish," the
>> Admiral snapped.
CROW: 9-1-1 emergency, please hold....
TOM: [as Ellis] How am I supposed to get this paperwork done when you
people keep interrupting me with your Priority 1 distress calls?!!
>> "I need immediate assistance," Kerstin stated. "I've got forty
>> Maquis Officers on board occupying my bridge, all the adults are
>> unconscious and I just have two dozen untrained children at my
>> disposal."
MIKE: [as Kerstin] And to top it all off, the replicators won't give me
any hot chocolate!
>> "And you are?" Ellis said with contempt.
>> "Kerstin Szustakowski, Captain, Kid's Crew USS Roanoke," she
>> replied. "When can I expect assistance?"
CROW: [as Ellis] You kids should be able to handle this by yourselves!
Haven't you ever seen "Home Alone"?!
>> "What assistance," Ellis sneered. "You aren't worth the
>> trouble. Ellis out."
TOM: Ah, I love the subtle, devious manipulations of a Ratliff villain!
MIKE: He could have at least *pretended* to send out assistance, but I
guess that would have been just too subtle.
CROW: Well, at least he's not named "Yrev Tpurroc" this time....
>>
>> Kerstin wasn't happy with the latest development. She'd done
>> just like the manual said.
MIKE: Guess it's time to call the toll-free tech support line.
CROW: [as Kerstin] I don't understand! I don't *have* an "any" key!
>> But the Bastard wouldn't help her as the
>> regulations required.
MIKE: Hey, watch your language, little girl!
TOM: I tell you, this Kids Crew program is a breeding ground for
juvenile delinquency, Communism, and beatnikkery!
>> Fortunately, Kerstin followed the advice of her
>> Kid's Crew supervising officer,
CROW: Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out?
>> always have a back up plan.
TOM: Deus ex Machina, to the rescue!
>> In fact she
>> was about to contact that very officer.
TOM: ... same thing.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] What do you want?! I've got paperwork to do!!!
Just go down with your ship and quit whining, you big baby!
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>>
>> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I
>> would feel about being called names."
>> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager.
>>
>>
>> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis part 5 - New
CROW: ... "and Improved?"
MIKE: What do you think?
>> Date: 1 Oct 1996 14:21:41 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 85
>> Message-ID: <52r9dl$rh3@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
>> The Marrissa Stories
>> Premier Maquis*
>> by Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu)
>>
>> *other parts had Marqui, due to my spell checker insisting that that was
>> the correct spelling. Marqui is a noble rank. Maquis is a resistance
>> movement.
CROW: [as Ratliff] It was the spellchecker! The spellchecker made me do
it! I knew it was wrong all along, but the spellchecker forced
me to write it like that!
>>
>> Part 5
>> other parts available by request or on the web at:
>> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
MIKE: That, my friends, is the scariest line of the whole story.
>>
>> Chapter Four
>>
>> "Commander Picard, urgent communication for you from Kerstin
>> Szustakowski, USS Roanoke," Assist Glinn Duvek said from Operations.
CROW: [as Duvek] Will you accept the charges?
MIKE: Where does he come up with these names, anyhow? "Assist Glinn
Duvek?"
TOM: I think that's a TV show --- like a really lame version of "Get
Christie Love!"
>> "I'll take it in the Observation Lounge," Marrissa Picard
>> replied,
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Stupid old bridge doesn't give me any privacy when
my friends call!
>> then remembering that she had been left in command,
CROW: Marrissa had become so obsessed with her plans for galactic
domination that little details began to slip away from her.
>> she
>> continued. "You have the Bridge Duvek." She got up out of her station
>> above the stairs and walked around to and down the stairs.
TOM: To the Bat Pole!
>> Duvek
>> meanwhile took to the command chair as Lieutenant Lavelle replaced him
>> at Ops.
MIKE: Whew! The action here is leaving me breathless.
TOM: Remember, the first rule of fiction writing is: "Never, ever, let
your readers be confused about the precise geographical locations
of your minor characters!"
>>
>> Minutes later Captain Washington entered the bridge. "Where is
>> Lieutenant Commander Picard?" she asked.
CROW: [as Duvek] Duhh, I dunno, I'm just a temp.
MIKE: Hey!
>> "The Commander had a call from a Kerstin Szustakowski, acting
>> Captain USS Roanoke," Duvek said as he returned to his station.
TOM: [as Duvek] She wanted to know if Marrissa could "come out and
play."
>> "Kerstin Szustakowski?" T'Gwen Washington mused. "Kid's crew in
>> command, again.
CROW: [as T'Gwen] The horror ... the horror....
>> Can't Captain Mary Szustakowski keep her children out of
>> the command chair?"
TOM: Not as long as Ratliff continues to warp space and time and
stretch credibility to the breaking point to put them there!
>> "Careful Captain," Katherine Lockard said from the helm. "I'm
>> one of those children."
MIKE: [as Dennis Hopper] Do you know what would happen if Marrissa heard
about that little comment? Ooooo ... bad things, man!
>> "No offense intended, Lieutenant," the Captain apologized.
>> "None taken, Captain," Kathy replied.
TOM: [as Lockard] But I am taking notes. Once we rule Starfleet, say
hello to the wonderful world of the Starfleet Sanitation Corps,
Crewman Fourth Class Washington!
>> "I know Mom has spent a
>> lot of time out of the chair in the past couple years, most of the time
>> with one of my little sisters taking her place.
CROW: [as Kathy] Other times with her pet schnauzer Fluffy taking her
place.
>> It seems some Star
>> Fleet Admirals have found a little trick that allows him to send a
>> Captain Szustakowski even when Mom gets herself injured."
CROW: It's called "nepotism," kid....
MIKE: Actually, it's a stupid plot device called "The Ratliff Maneuver."
>> "I wish I hadn't told Admiral Okie of that little trick,"
CROW: You and me both, kiddo.
>> Marrissa Picard said, emerging from the stairs. "At the time it seemed
>> like the only way to stop that war in the Naklab system though."
TOM: Please, Steve, *must* you torture us with these memories?
>> "Hey, my sisters aren't objecting," Katherine responded. "After
>> all, Hope has a treaty and Kerstin has two to her names."
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] Thank God there were no trained diplomats or
experienced officers available.
>> "Yeah but diplomacy makes dealing with Maquis taking over your
>> ship positively look easy," Picard replied. "Until you get them
>> confined that is.
CROW: Yeah, sure, I know what you... *huh*?! What blue sky did *that*
remark come out of?
TOM: I think that was Ratliff's idea of a witty segue.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Gee, I'm sorry, was I bragging about my
accomplishments again and putting off talking about something
important? Oh well ... that'll happen!
>> Now poor Kerstin is having trouble getting help.
TOM: [as Marrissa] Her insurance won't pay for counseling.
>> Admiral Ellis just refused to send any."
>> "He did?" Washington stated. "That was not logical. CONN set a
>> course to the Roanoke, warp seven. Picard, have your fighters standing
>> by. If that young Captain of yours has managed to curtail the
>> activities of some Maquis, they logically would have called for help."
MIKE: It'd be the first logical thing to happen in this fanfic.
CROW: ... in *any* Ratliff fanfic.
>> "Kathy, you won't mind if I borrow your wing?" Marrissa asked.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] My fighter is missing one.
>> "Kerstin suggested that you'd be ready to decode her messages."
>> "I'll be ready," Kathy replied.
>> Marrissa nodded and tapped her communicator. "Attention all
>> Fighter Wings,
TOM: [as Marrissa] There's a blue-light special on all poopie suits in
Aisle 5!
>> red wing, blue wing, to launch status. Green wing, black
>> wing, to ready status. All other wings standby for deployment orders."
TOM: [as Luke Skywalker] Red Five standing by....
>> Closing the channel she continued. "With your permission Captain, I'll
>> go down to the fighter bay now."
>>
>> Ro Laren was not in good sprits.
MIKE: Her mast was shaky and her sails tattered.
CROW: [as Ratliff] The spellchecker did it! I knew that "sprit" was
a sailing term that had nothing to do with this story, but the
spellchecker threatened to kill my dog if I didn't go along with it!
TOM: [as Ro, depressed] Should have known I couldn't avoid being in a
Ratliff story forever....
>> She had lead the Maquis on
>> board the Roanoke, after gassing its crew. Ro knew of no way she could
>> have been blocked in her takeover of the starship.
CROW: [as Ro] It *must* be some cheesy plot device.... But what?
>> She knew about the
>> fact that the gas was ineffective on children. Could it be that the
>> children had command of the ship? No, she dismissed the thought. No
>> Captain would allow the children to have command level access.
MIKE: Yes, that's what any *mentally competent* person would think.
TOM: So Ro was the only person in the entire galaxy not to buy a copy
of Marrissa's biography?
>> And who
>> ever was fighting her off
ALL: Hi Keeba!
>> had to have that. Even with that Kid's Crew
>> regulation they passed just before she left Star Fleet.
>> The Roanoke had destroyed her ship, and all who remained aboard.
TOM: Ah, the joys of childhood. First day of school, first crush,
first taste of bloodlust and indiscriminate slaughter....
MIKE: And since this all happened off-camera, just take our word for it.
CROW: Actually, we should be thankful for that! We were spared another
excruciating Ratliff battle scene.
>> At least that wouldn't happen to any one else. Ro had ordered phaser
>> power conduits disconnected. It was now time to call for back up.
>> "Maquis Croatan to Marqui Defiance, help requested,"
CROW: My God, he can't even keep it consistent within *the same
friggin' sentence*!!!!!
>> Ro said over her
>> portable communications equipment. "I've been locked out."
TOM: [as Fred Flintstone] WIIIIIIIL - MAAAAAAAA !!!!!
MIKE: [as Ro] And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for
those meddling kids!
CROW: [as Defiance] Listen, we've got a lot of paperwork to do over
here ... call us back later!
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>>
>> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I
>> would feel about being called names."
>> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager.
>>
>>
>> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: New DS9 Premier Maquis part 6
>> Date: 8 Oct 1996 14:15:05 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 100
>> Message-ID: <53dnl9$ovt@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>> Premier Maqui
>> by Stephen Ratliff
>> A Marrissa Story
>> Stargazer Mission, DS9
>> part 6
>>
>> Chapter Five
>>
>> In classroom two on board the Roanoke, the panic had just begun
>> again.
MIKE: In viewing room one on board the Satellite of Love, the torture had
been going on for some time....
>> The temporary command center was experiencing another crisis.
MIKE: [as command center temp] Look, you've *got* to sign my time card!
>> "Multiple contacts coming out of warp," the boy taking care of sensors
>> announced. "A dozen Maquis raiders and one Intrepid class Starship, in
>> formation."
>> "Tactical, weapons status?" Kerstin asked.
CROW: [as tactical] Spitballs loaded and ready, sir!
>> "No power to phasers," a girl replied. "Torpedo launching
>> systems jammed."
>> "And no way to run either," Kerstin responded.
TOM: [singing] No where to run, baby ... no where to hide.
>> "ETA on the
>> Stargazer."
>> "Three minutes," a boy replied.
>> "Three minutes, we can do that," Kerstin smiled. "Tell me,
>> Ashaya, is the loading system still OK for the torpedoes?"
CROW: [as Ashaya] That's a rather personal question, isn't it?
>> "Yes, Kerstin," the tactical officer responded. "But what good
>> is that going to do?"
>> "Transporters are still on line aren't they?" Kerstin asked. A
>> boy responded with a nod. "Then we'll transport them. I just love
>> Tactics Monthly."
TOM: [as announcer reading headlines] "31 New Ways to Maim and Kill!"
CROW: [same] "New covert-action fashions for the 90's!"
MIKE: [same] "Does your enemy still respect you? Take this qwik quiz."
TOM: I don't suppose anybody thought of transporting the *Maquis
invaders* into space?
MIKE: Space? Why not just transport them into the brig?
TOM: No, Marrissa trained them too well: "Always choose the solution
that achieves the highest body count, because that's how we keep
score!"
>>
>> Eddington smiled as his fleet approached the drifting Roanoke.
>> It was just waiting for his forces.
MIKE: [as Eddington, smugly] God, I'm good.
>> He wondered why Ro hadn't been able
>> to take over the ship.
CROW: [as Wicked Witch of the West] These things must be done
deeeeeelicately.
>> She was one of the Maquis' most experienced
>> operatives, that's why she had been assigned the task of taking the
>> Nebula class starship. In any case, with the Maquis Defiance's support,
>> the Roanoke would soon be Maquis.
MIKE: [as Eddington] It's mine! Do you hear?! All mine!
>> "Incoming hail from the Roanoke," his operations officer
>> announced.
>> "On screen," Eddington responded, his Star Fleet training
>> evident.
CROW: Oh yeah, Starfleet people are the only ones who know how to put the
words "on" and "screen" together in that situation, right?
MIKE: Starfleet Academy drills them for *months* on that until they get
the proper technique honed to perfection.
>> All that training went out the window when Kerstin appeared on
>> screen. He muttered, "a child, a child."
TOM: My kingdom for a child!
>> "Yes a child," Kerstin replied.
CROW: [as Kerstin] There! I said it! I said it, and I'm proud!!!
>> "Kerstin Szustakowski, Kid's
>> Crew Captain, presently in command of the USS Roanoke. I suggest you
>> withdraw immediately."
MIKE: You know, sometimes I wonder if Ratliff is too subtle and too
infrequent in presenting the central thesis of his stories.
>> "Why? Ro informs me that your ship is currently disabled,"
TOM: Actually, the ship prefers to be called "differently abled".
>> Eddington responded, dryly. "You couldn't hurt a flea."
>> "Well I may not be Marrissa Picard,
MIKE: I'll grant you that, Kerstin, but right now it's kinda hard to
tell the difference!
>> but you'll find than no
>> Kid's Crew Captain has a bark worse than their bite, Mister," the young
>> girl replied.
CROW: [as Eddington] In that case, I think it's only appropriate to
say ... bite me!!!
>> "Roanoke out."
>>
>> In the classroom that was serving as the control center of the
>> Roanoke, Kerstin turned toward her tactical officer and said,
TOM: [as Kerstin] I have no idea what I'm doing! WE'RE ALL GOING TO
DIE!!!
>> "Ashaya,
>> transport one torpedo directly in front of the lead Maquis raider. Set
>> it to explode on impact."
>> On the classroom's view screen, a Maquis raider's nose was
>> obscured by the explosion.
CROW: Got your nose...!
>> When the blast cleared, half the ship was
>> gone.
CROW: [as used car salesman] We're having a *blowout* sale! Check out
this used Maquis ship! Half off!
MIKE & TOM: Booooooooooo!
>> It drifted aimlessly toward the Roanoke.
>> "Dusty," Kerstin ordered a boy at the rear of the classroom.
TOM: Ironic name there, Steve! 'Cause, see, the Maquis ship was
blown into dust, and ... heh ....
>> "Look for known Maquis with the name Ro. I want to know about our
>> opponent."
>> "Kerstin, shields have gone up on all remaining vessels," a boy
>> announced.
TOM: ... but soybeans are down one and a quarter.
>> "They should have had them up before," Ashaya responded.
CROW: [sarcastically] Ooooooh, are the Maquis just not as perfect as the
great Ashaya?
>> "Agreed," Kerstin replied. "Send another torpedo at that
>> half-destroyed ship, I don't want it drifting into us. Also that raider
>> at seventy mark eight looks a little weak.
MIKE: [as Kerstin] Give him a trial membership at Bally's Health Club.
>> Give him a torpedo in thirty
>> seconds."
TOM: [as Kerstin] There's no kill like overkill!
>> "Aye sir," Ashaya replied.
>> "Another vessel has arrived ...," a boy said. "... it's the
>> Stargazer."
CROW: [as boy, in monotone] Yay. We're saved.
>> On the bridge of the Stargazer, Captain T'Gwen Washington
>> surveyed the scene surrounding the Roanoke.
MIKE: [as Washington] Excuse me, Mr. Scene, would you like to take a
survey? How would you feel about a movie that showed George
Wendt eating beans?
>> A half destroyed hull blew
>> up as they watched. The remaining ships were beginning to surround
>> the Roanoke, the Intrepid class ship being on the other side from
>> the Stargazer.
CROW: This sentence being almost incomprehensible.
>> "Launch fighters," she ordered. "Ops status of the Roanoke,
>> CONN plot a course to bring us along side the Intrepid Class vessel.
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] Quartermaster, mints on pillows every day from now on.
>> Tactical fire on raiders as your phasers come to bear."
ALL: Teddy Ruxpin! NOOO!
>> "The Roanoke's warp and impluse engines are offline," Duvek
>> responded. "No power to phasers. Transporter activity indicates that
>> they are using transporters to launch torpedoes."
>> "Fascinating,"
CROW: That word looks *so* out of place in this story....
>> Washington responded. "Gusat, take the upper
>> warp pair. We are going to give who ever took the Fearless a chase.
>> Duvek, take the bridge, I'll be in the lower warp pair. Once we split,
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] ... the fighters will stay with each of us on
alternate weekends.
>> I want you to move to cover the top of the Roanoke. If you can,
>> transport security teams on board the Roanoke to clear out those Maquis.
>> Warp pair separation in one minute mark."
MIKE: [as Duvek] Yes, sir. But my name's "Duvek!"
>> The Captain and First Officer left the bridge of the Stargazer,
>> and Duvek settled into the command chair. "Rotate us 90 degrees onto
>> our port side. Set a course looping around the raiders terminating in
>> front and facing the Fearless at separation."
CROW: [Duvek] That way we'll be right in their sights just when we're
at our most vulnerable!
TOM: [as helmsman] Sir, before I set that course ... what the *HELL*
did you just say?!
MIKE: So, with that exciting cliffhanger, we reach the end of another
chapter!
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
TOM: ... speaking of cliffhangers....
[Mike and bots get up to leave theater.]
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>>
>> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I
>> would feel about being called names."
>> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager.
>>
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[..2..]
[..3..]
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[..5..]
[..6..]
[SOL control room]
MIKE: And now, it's my pleasure to present our musical tribute to
Stephen Ratliff --- creator of Marrissa, her Kid's Crew and other
related horrors. I have to take a few minutes to get into costume
for my song, so for the first musical number I'll just turn the
floor over to our very own Tom Servo....
[Mike sweeps his arms in Tom's direction, then exits stage left.]
TOM: Thank you, Mike. My tribute to today's experiment is adapted from
Johann Strauss' lovely opera, "Die Fliedermaus." *Ahem* The name
of the aria is "Premier Maquis." Cambot, whenever you're ready....
[Sung to the tune of "My Dear Marqui," a.k.a. "The Laughing Song."]
Premier Maquis
It seems to me
Should be thrown in the trash!
If I may advise
I would think it wise
To have it burnt to ash!
The story is lame and too long, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
The intro's absurd and just wrong, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
When Steve writes of the Kid's Crew,
Oh, the torment we go through!
A Corman film, you know,
Would not abuse us so!
A Corman film, you know,
Would not abuse us so!
Steve, you write abominably!
You owe us an apology!
What a painful ... ow! ow! ow!
Situation ... ow! ow! ow!
What a horrible ... ow! ow! ow!
Tribulation ... ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
What a painful ... ow! ow! ow!
Situation ... ow! ow! ow!
To see it scrolling on the screen!
[Mike returns to the SOL control room wearing the Star Trek:TNG uniform
from Laserblast, but with less padding at the chest. He is also wearing
the blond wig from his stint as Fabio. Crow and Tom scream in horror as
Mike enters and takes his place at front and center. He kneels behind
the console to simulate the height of the character whose role he is now
playing.]
MIKE: [as Marrissa] All right crew, listen up! My song is about the
only subject worth writing about --- ME! So shut up and give
me center stage! Cambot, load the tune, and ... ENGAGE!
[All Marrissa Wants]
[Sung to the tune of Alanis Morissette's "All I Really Want."]
Do I make you retch?
You watch as I make adults play dead and fetch
And you say how ridiculous.
But I wouldn't have it any other way.
I poured strawberry juice on Worf today
And I just love it.
And there I go again making the pros look just like fools,
Beating them at their own game.
I do just what I please and I can make up my own rules.
Who else could make the Borg Queen look tame?
And all I really want is some patience
With those who aren't as great as me.
And all I really want is adulations.
[Insert incomprehensible Alanis shriek here.]
Do I drive you insane?
You must wonder why I'm driven and spoiled and vain
And consumed by the need to command.
I love the captain's chair.
You can boss around lowly crewmen there,
And they jump to your every demand.
And I am happy making sure that my will is obeyed,
Beating up negotiators.
And many want to shut us down, but I am not afraid.
I make hash of Starfleet haters.
And no, I never want to be a grown-up,
'Cause maybe if I get that old
Then they wouldn't let me be so stuck-up.
[Insert incomprehensible Alanis shriek here.]
Enough about you, let's talk about me for a minute.
Enough about life, let's talk about me for a while.
The conquests, the adventures, and the sound of enemies
Falling all around... all around....
Why do you guys always make fun of me?
Here, can you handle this?
[Complete silence for ten seconds. During this time, Mike holds up a
picture of Marrissa holding a scepter while wearing royal robes and a
crown. Surrounding her is a group of beings from many races. There are
representatives from the Federation, the Klingon, Romulan and Cardassian
Empires, the Borg, and many others. They are all bowing to the floor in
front of Marrissa and they all have signs attached to their backs that
read: "We were beaten by a bunch of kids."]
Did I mention I'm the founder of the Kid's Crew
And the future queen of Essex too?
Did you know that I'm just getting started?
And you might say I'm just a bit ambitious for my age.
For me, things couldn't get much cooler!
And I will fight to keep my place at front and center stage...
If only I could rule the rulers!
And all I really want is fascination
With all the Fleet will let me do.
And all I really want is domination.
[Insert incomprehensible Alanis shriek here.]
And what I wouldn't give for more authority
To lord it over all I see!
And what I wouldn't give to reach divinity!
[Insert bone-grating Alanis banshee wail here.]
[As the music fades out, Mike removes his blond wig and stands up again.]
CROW: Mike ... there are no words to describe how disturbing that was.
But personally, I think that both of you are really giving Ratliff
too much of a hard time. I think he deserves some sympathy!
MIKE & TOM: Huh?!?
CROW: That's right! And on that note ... hit it, Cambot!
[Familiar sounding bongo drums play the intro as Crow sings this song
to the tune of the Rolling Stones' "Sympathy For The Devil."]
Please allow me to introduce myself;
A Comp Sci diploma is my goal.
I've been around for over twenty years,
Crushed many a man's mind and soul.
I hung around on a.s.c.,
Then I figured it was time for a change,
'Cause far too many of the characters
Were of post-adolescent age.
Pleased to meet you!
Hope you guessed my name!
But let me tell you how I
Rose to fanfic fame....
I watched an episode called "Disaster,"
Then created a disaster of my own!
I took the kids and gave them attitudes
And left them unchaperoned.
Then I made sure the Kid's Crew
Found enough plot holes to see them through!
Pleased to meet you!
Hope you guessed my name!
I posted "Enterprized," and things were
Never quite the same!
[Mike and Tom start singing "Woo woo!" at this point.]
Now Marrissa's such a pushy girl,
But I think she's really pretty keen!
If I have my way, she'll draw admiral's pay
At the ripe old age of sixteen.
Let me please introduce myself,
I'm a Comp Sci student by trade.
I'll pick a problem that adults can't solve,
And have Marrissa fix it right away!
Pleased to meet you!
Hope you guessed my name!
I try for epic tales, but my
Writing is so lame!
Yes, all my villains are idiots,
And all my heroes tots!
Hey, at this point, just call me Ratliff,
'Cause I'm in need of better plots!
So if you meet me, have some empathy,
Have some courtesy, and some tact!
It could be worse, just think what I could do
With a sitcom writing contract!
Pleased to meet you!
Hope you guessed my name!
Yes, Stephen Ratliff's my name, and
Verbal torture's my game!
[After a couple more "Woo woo!"s, cut to commercial sign with the
"Woo woo!"s and the music playing while the MST3K logo is on screen.]
======================= Part 3/4 =====================================
[return from commercials]
[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]
>>
>> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 7 - New
>> Date: 15 Oct 1996 16:13:09 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
[Mike and bots enter theater.]
>> Lines: 101
>> Message-ID: <540d6l$jpb@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
MIKE: Well, that was fun.
CROW: Yeah, remind me to burn all my Alanis Morissette CD's when this
is over....
>>
>> DS9
>> Premier Maquis
>> by Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu)
>> A Marrissa Story, Stargazer Mission
>> part 7
>> Disclaimer in part 1
ALL: [singing] Dis claim is bound for glory, dis claim....
>> other parts available at:
>> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
>>
>> Chapter Six
>>
>> The Stargazer looped around the Maquis raiders firing at whoever
>> was closer.
TOM: Maquis raiders and Federation fighters alike were blasted out of
existence....
>> Every once in a while a torpedo would explode by a raider,
>> courtesy of the Kid's crew of the Roanoke.
CROW: Yes, *please* don't let us forget about them for even a moment,
Stephen.
MIKE: [female announcer voice] The white courtesy torpedoes are located
on the starboard hull.
>> Meanwhile Marrissa's red
>> and blue wings, and Marrissa herself
MIKE: ... who, being omnipotent, didn't require a fighter or a spacesuit
to fly through space.
>> pursued targets among the raiders,
>> sowing confusion where ever they went.
TOM: Much like Ratliff does with his stories.
>> Then suddenly, the Stargazer took on the appearance of a
>> collision course, full impluse.
CROW: But actually it was a well-disguised full retreat!
>> "Separation in 10 ... 9 ..." Closer
>> and faster they went. Collision emanate. "6 ... 7 ..."
TOM: Which way is time flowing again?
MIKE: Collisions began to emanate from the Stargazer! Nobody was really
sure why or how....
>> On the Bridge of the Maquis Defiance, a.k.a. the Fearless,
CROW: a.k.a. the Wackiest Ship in the Maquis!
>> the
>> operations officer announced, "The Stargazer is on a collision course.
>> Impact in ten seconds."
>> "Evasive," Eddington got out, too late for the helmsman to
>> respond.
MIKE: [as helmsman] Duh, got to wait for duh command before I move
duh ship.
>> On the screen, the sideways ship closed, then suddenly the warp
>> engines pealed off.
TOM: Peals of laughter emanate from the readers as Ratliff botches yet
another homonym.
>> The saucer itself stopped. The warp pairs made
>> organized strikes down the sides of the Intrepid Class Maquis vessel,
MIKE: Management Unfair!
TOM: Better working conditions!
CROW: Longer coffee breaks!
>> as
>> the crew continued to stare. The saucer then made a corkscrew turn back
>> toward the Roanoke, righting itself and tossing a volley of torpedoes at
>> the Fearless, almost absentmindedly.
MIKE: [absentmindedly] Think I'll send a few megatons of destruction in
that direction. Hope I hit an enemy or something....
>> "Shields at 50 percent," the tactical officer announced.
>> "Follow the saucer," Eddington ordered.
TOM: [as Eddington] Leave the dish and the spoon for the raiders!
>> "We'll see if we can
>> retrieve our strike team before we leave."
>>
CROW: [as Eddington] We need them at the Detroit plants on Sunday!
>> Meanwhile, Marrissa's two wings of fighters were after the
>> eleven remaining raiders. She and Lieutenant Matt Grubb (blue wing's
>> commanding officer) were busy directing their forces.
TOM: "'Marrissa's Massacre XXIV,' scene 5, take 1. Action!"
>> "Picard to Red
>> two, watch your back."
MIKE: [as Red Two] I can't. I'm too busy watching the enemy ships!
>> "I see him, Commander."
CROW: Luke! Pull up!
>> "Red four to Red five, you've got a tail"
MIKE: [as Red Five] Well, sure, so do all Caitians, but why bring it up
now? Species-centric thinking is outlawed in the 24th Century!
>> "I can't shake him."
CROW: Cover me, Porkins!
TOM: I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that Ratliff has seen Star Wars
a few times.
>> "Picard to Red Three, Four, Six, relieve Five of his tail.
TOM: Ensign Gekko will grow a new one in a few days, anyway.
>> I'll be joining you."
>> Marrissa turned her fighter from the raider she had been
>> following toward the raider causing Red Five trouble. She noted this
>> course would cause her to pass between the secondary hull saucer of the
>> Nebula class starship.
CROW: ... between the hull ... and what??
>> As she closed, she noticed that the Maquis
>> raider in question's rear shields were lit up like a firefly.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Saaaaaaayyyyy.... Check out the rear shields on
*that* raider! Rrrroooowwww....
>> She
>> crossed the saucer of the Roanoke and came out in front of the raider
>> and fired her two mini-torpedoes and phasers. That was the last of the
>> raider,
CROW: [as Marrissa] Another infidel falls before my wrath!
>> as it exploded and Red Three, Four, and Six peeled out of the
>> cloud of expanding gas that it left behind.
>> "Black Leader to Fighter Commander," Dar Ducat's voice came.
TOM: Go ahead, Louis Farrakhan.
>> "Black and Green joining up. Where do you want us?"
>> "Black odds take raider five," Marrissa began "Black even,
>> raider six, Green odd, seven,
CROW: Wow, it's a good thing those Maquis raiders all have bright red
numbers painted on their hulls.
TOM: Yeah.
>> Green even, eight, Red even reassigned to
>> nine, Red odd, four, leaders assist as necessary your wings."
MIKE: Ratliff, adjust as necessary your syntax.
CROW: I'd lay even odds that nobody gives a crap about all these
assignments.
TOM: I think Marrissa's plan is to confuse all the fighter pilots and
make them crash into each other, so that she can take all the
credit for the inevitable victory.
>> "Blue two to Commander, raider two is gone."
>> "Take raider ten Blue even. Leaders take raider eleven.
TOM: Muppets, take Manhattan!
CROW: Steve Miller, take the money and run!
>> Let's
>> clear these guys out."
MIKE: Well guys, once again Marrissa is directing a vastly superior
force to mercilessly obliterate her foes.
TOM: One of the constants that brings order to the Ratliverse, you know.
>>
>> Three fighters on each Maquis Raider left little that the Maquis
>> could do, as raider after raider found itself losing.
MIKE: Yeah, Oakland's really been struggling this year.
>> Meanwhile the
>> Defiance was trying to avoid the two warp pairs of the Stargazer.
TOM: ... until it could respond with at least a three of a kind.
>> Unable to close on the Roanoke,
MIKE: ... the Defiance decided to look for another ship with a lower asking
price in a better neighborhood.
>> the Defiance hit warp, exiting with the
>> warp pairs following. One by one, the raiders either followed suit or
CROW: ... took the trick with a trump card?
>> were destroyed.
>> The saucer, confined to impluse,
TOM: ... felt awkward and lonely as it was left behind by its faster
classmates....
>> took up guard above the
>> Roanoke. The red and blue wings returned to the fighter bay, by
>> Commander Picard's orders. The remaining wings took up station below
>> the Roanoke.
>>
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard returned to the bridge.
CROW: What, don't we get another thrilling stair-climbing scene?!
>> "Status, Duvek?" she asked, as he yielded command to her.
>> "The warp pairs are still after the Maquis vessel," Duvek began.
>> "No sign of any additional Maquis. Ship is secure."
TOM: Battle sequences are plagiarized.
>> "Excellent, hail the Roanoke," Marrissa ordered.
CROW: "Excellent"? Weird name for a communications officer....
>> Kerstin
>> Szustakowski appeared once again
TOM: ... in her one-woman show: "My Life as a Kid's Crew Officer and
Mistress of the Universe."
>> from her classroom. "Kerstin, I must
>> compliment you on the photon torpedo trick."
>> "Thank you Commander," Kerstin blushed.
>> "I think it's time to get rid of that occupation you're
>> suffering," Marrissa replied.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Your new occupation is ship's janitor.
TOM: What about *our* suffering?
>> "Would you mind if I removed them from
>> the Bridge and Engineering of your ship?"
TOM: With wording like that, Ratliff can easily get a job translating
Japanese instructions if his computer career doesn't pan out....
>> "Those uninvited guests? Take them," Kerstin said, relieved.
CROW: Take my Maquis invaders. Please!
>> "Just get someone over here to see to the Medical needs of my crew. The
>> adults have been out for half a shift now."
MIKE: The adults have *effectively* been out since "Enterprized."
>> "Doctor Johnson will be over shortly," Marrissa replied.
>> "Stargazer out."
CROW: [as Kerstin] Make sure he brings the Snoopy Band-Aids and the
chewable children's aspirin!
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
MIKE: And now, the list of the author's titles and accomplishments....
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "Sticks and stones won't break my bones, so you could imagine how I
>> would feel about being called names."
>> - The Doctor, "Basics pt II" Star Trek Voyager.
>>
>>
>> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 8
MIKE: Over halfway home, guys. I think we've learned how to pace
ourselves to survive these Ratliffs.
>> Date: 23 Oct 1996 02:03:33 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 151
>> Message-ID: <54judl$jli@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: zazu.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> DS9: Premier Maquis
>> A Marrissa Story
TOM: Those three words still send a chill up your spine, though.
MIKE: They sure do.
>> A Stargazer Mission
>> by Stephen Ratliff
>> part 8
>>
>> parts available on the web at:
>> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
>> A Repost of parts 1-7 will follow. Comments requested.
CROW: No! NOOO!!! He's going to show us the first half *AGAIN*!!!!
AHHHHHHH...WHATSINSCOULDABOTCOMMITINASINGLELIFETIME....
[In a panic, Crow runs back and forth in front of the screen.]
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
MIKE: Crow! Calm down! We don't *know* yet if Forrester is sending
us the repost!
>>
>> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and
>> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used
>> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
>> living or dead, is entirely coincidental
>>
>> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company.
>> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.
CROW: [beginning to calm down, sees this last line and starts running
again] AAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
TOM: [to Mike] So, what are we gonna do if this *is* a repost?
MIKE: I brought a cyanide tablet.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
TOM: Mike, promise me you'll rip out my optical sensors before you
swallow that tablet?
MIKE: You know I will, Tom.
TOM: Thanks....
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
>>
>> Chapter Seven
MIKE: There. See, Crow?
CROW: [puff puff] ... are ... are we safe?
MIKE: Well, I wouldn't go that far, but we survived the repost crisis
anyway....
>>
>> Captain's Log
>> USS Stargazer NCC-2893
>> Stardate 51381.89
>> Captain T'Gwen Washington commanding.
>> ... After defending the Roanoke, we chased the Intrepid class
>> vessel stolen by the Maquis into the badlands. Unfortunately, we lost
>> them in a plasma storm. I and Glinn Gusat returned to the saucer and
>> docked.
ALL: Saaaaay!
>> Lieutenant Commander Picard had, in our absence, retaken the
>> bridge and other occupied areas of the Roanoke.
CROW: ... in a very dramatic and action-packed scene that we don't feel
like showing you.
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] The security personnel we sent over may have fired a
shot or two, but it was really Marrissa's doing, pretty much!
>> Doctor Johnson has
>> filled our sickbay, and theirs with the Roanoke's comatose crew. He
>> believes they will recover without ill effect within 48 hours, but
>> recommends a week's recovery period.
TOM: Ironically, after being out cold for hours, they need rest!
>> Per Picard's recommendation, I have left young Szustakowski in
>> command of the Roanoke.
CROW: Like Marrissa would ever recommend anything else!
TOM: [as T'Gwen] I was going to object to such a nonsensical idea,
but Marrissa used some odorless, invisible gas on me which destroyed
my logical abilities and rendered me a soulless vehicle for her
ambitions.
>> We are returning to Deep Space Nine with much
>> to ponder.
MIKE: Why did our last battle resemble so closely the fighter sequences
from "Star Wars"?
TOM: Why do untrained children wind up in command so *bloody* often?
CROW: Who put the "bop" in the "bop-she-bop-she-bop"...?
ALL: [singing] Who put the "ram" in the "ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong"...?
>>
>> Marrissa, Doctor Johnson, Ross and Kathy Lochard, and Lieutenant
>> Lavelle were in Seven Slightly Starboard
TOM: Mike, please, I'm begging you. Kill me now. Have mercy, man!
MIKE: Oh, I can't do that, Servo! Remember what Nietzsche said,
"Whatever does not kill me makes me stronger."
TOM: Yeah, but Nietzsche never had to read eleven Ratliff stories!
>> playing poker. "What I don't
>> get is how the Maquis took the Fearless," Ross commented, dealing out
>> the final cards. "Your bid Lavelle."
CROW: I'll raise see your Lavelle and raise you two Lochards....
>> "Five," Lavelle opened. "Their has to have been someone in their
>> command crew who helped them."
>> "I'll see you and raise you 10," Kathy responded. "But all the
>> command crew sans the doctor were left behind.
>> "So the doctor did it," Lavelle replied.
TOM: No, he was framed by The Master.
MIKE: How does that go? "Once you have eliminated the impossible,
whatever remains, however implausible, must be Ratliff"?
>> "I don't think so," Doctor Johnson commented. "We don't have
>> that much access. I fold."
TOM: I spindle!
CROW: I mutilate!
>> "Then the agent stayed behind," Lavelle suggested.
>> "I'm going to have to shoot that one down, Sam," Marrissa said.
>> "See you and raise you twenty."
>> "Too rich for me," Ross folded.
MIKE: [as Ross] I'm trying to lose a few pounds, you know how it is....
>> "I have to agree with you on
>> one point, Sam. Someone had to have lots of clearance to pull that one
>> off."
CROW: One low-hanging bridge would have ruined the whole thing....
TOM: You know, if I ever see Marrissa taking up chess and the next day
beating grand-masters, I think I'll just end it all.
>> "You mean they didn't just take her like they tried to do to the
>> Roanoke," Kathy queried.
>> "The ship was functioning too good for that to be the case,"
>> Ross stated.
MIKE: What? They warped in, sat there, took a pounding for a while, then
warped out again.
>> "That's what I thought," Lavelle confirmed. "I'll see and raise
>> 20."
>> "I fold," Kathy responded. "If not the command crew then who?"
CROW: Horton?
TOM: "If not now, then when?"
>> "I'll see your 20, Sam, and raise you 30," Marrissa called. "I
>> have a couple suspicions on that."
>> "Oh?" Sam Lavelle responded. "Who? I'll see you and raise you
>> 40."
MIKE: Thrill as the Stargazer poker club pulls out all the stops in a
no-holds-barred bidding frenzy!
TOM: Wow, somebody's going to leave this game *completely* stripped of
all their meaningless little hunks of plastic.
>> "Admiral Ellis," Marrissa answered. "I see you and raise you
>> 50."
>> "Ellis? really Marrissa," Kathy remarked.
CROW: Wow! Admiral Ellis is really Marrissa? This changes everything!
>> "Yeah, what have you got against him?" Ross asked.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Oh, nothing much. Just a few compromising pictures
of Ellis and a Denebian sand goat. Wanna see?
>> "I fold," Lavelle said.
>> Marrissa pulled in the pot and replied,
TOM: [as Marrissa] This is only for medical purposes. I don't inhale.
>> "He failed to send a
>> rescue party to the Roanoke when Kerstin requested one."
>> "That sounds like a good enough reason," Doctor Johnson
>> concurred. "Is anyone charging him?"
CROW: No, they're paying cash for him.
>> "I've asked the JAG office to look into the matter," Marrissa
>> responded.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] But they kept trying to sell me a luxury car, so
I'm going to try something else.
>> "Well gentlemen, I've got Alpha shift tomorrow, so I'll be
>> going now."
CROW: So I guess that makes Marrissa the alpha bi....
MIKE: [sets his hand on Crow's shoulder] Uh uh.
>> "Quitting while your ahead, I see," Ross Lochard stated.
>> "Always, Lieutenant, first rule of tactics," Marrissa smiled.
ALL: [great peals of laughter]
MIKE: What would Sun Tzu or von Clausewitz say to that one?
TOM: Sure, give up while you've got an advantage and give the enemy a
chance to catch up. Good rule, Marrissa!
>> "And don't get too loud tonight, my room is right on the other side of
>> that wall."
MIKE: [as Marrissa] No fun of any kind is allowed on my ship unless I'm
personally involved!
CROW: Don't get me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
>>
>> Former Star Fleet Lieutenant Ro Laren sat in the brig of the
>> Roanoke. She wondered why she always took the hard assignments.
TOM: Differential equations, quantum field theory, organic chemistry....
MIKE [as Ro] I guess I nevah... EVAH... do anything NICE and EASY!
[singing] Rollin'! Rollin'! Rollin' down the riiiii-vaaaaahhh!!!
CROW: [shudders] Mike, that was scary enough the first time....
TOM: But at least he's not wearing that outfit.
>> Taking
>> a Nebula class starship, who ever had put that on the assignment list
>> must have been insane. Never the less she had signed up for it.
TOM: Things to do today: Do laundry. Buy milk. Hijack a Starfleet
warship.
CROW: [as Ro] Steal a starship?! Who put *that* in the syllabus?
>> Now
>> she was paying for it.
MIKE: [falsetto] Young lady, that ship you stole is coming right out of
your allowance!
>> On the eve of Maquis Independence, here she sat
>> in the brig of a Star Fleet vessel.
CROW: [as Ro] And I'm missing the fireworks show!
>> "You don't look like you're having fun," a young voice stated.
MIKE: [as young voice] And for that ... you must die.
TOM: [as the Alpha Complex computer] Happiness is mandatory, citizen.
Are *YOU* happy?
>> Standing outside her cell was a young girl in a red and blue
>> Starfleet-like uniform. Ro wondered who it was.
>> "No I'm not," Ro commented.
>> "It's a shame really," the girl responded. "You certainly
>> seemed to be having fun yesterday."
TOM: [as Kerstin] You were turning cartwheels and cracking jokes with
your fellow hijackers and everything!
>> "You mean when I tried to take over this ship," Ro replied.
>> "That wasn't fun, that was duty."
>> "Who said it wasn't possible to do both?" the girl asked.
CROW: [as Kerstin] Girl, you can bring home the bacon *and* fry it up
in a pan!
MIKE: [as Kerstin] Once you unlock the power of your inner child, you
can steal Starfleet ships *much* more effectively!
>> "I've never been able to," Ro answered.
TOM: Okay, who are you and what have you done with the *real* Ro Laren?
MIKE: They must be keeping her tough, proud, fiercely independent
personality under control with Ratliff gas....
>> "That's really a shame," the girl commented. "I've had fun
>> almost every time I've been on duty.
CROW: [as Kerstin] Especially when I destroyed your ships, made your
colleagues die an agonizing fiery death, and watched their mangled,
lifeless corpses drift in the icy vacuum of space. That was lots
of fun!
>> Unless you count that Greiluse
>> treaty. That gave me a headache."
CROW: Greiluse treaties burn my gut!
MIKE: [as Kerstin] I had to head-butt the representatives from both
sides into submission.
>> "Who are you anyway?" Ro inquired.
MIKE: I'm Bat-brat!
>> "Kerstin Szustakowski, acting Captain," the girl informed.
>> "I leave and Star Fleet goes to the kids," Ro grumbled.
>> "Shouldn't you be on the bridge or something?"
TOM: No, she shouldn't ... and everyone but Ratliff seems to know it!
>> "No, it's Beta shift," Kerstin replied. "I'm doing my tour of
>> the ship. It's been nice talking to you, Miss Ro." The girl Captain
>> walked off.
TOM: ... skipping and whistling a happy tune of death and destruction on
galactic scales.
MIKE: [sarcastically] Well, if that little visit doesn't cheer Ro up, I
don't know what will!
>>
>> Captain T'Gwen Washington and Glinn Gusat sat in the Stargazer's
>> ready room.
CROW: ... or readied in the Stargazer's Sat Room.
>> Already, the room was beginning to take on the personality
>> of the half-Vulcan Captain.
CROW: Wooden, shallow, and poorly written?
TOM: A lifeless automaton submissive to Marrissa's ambitions?
>> A painting of the Vulcan's Forge graced one
>> wall, with the Captain's saber hung below it. A copy of Decartes's La
>> Geometrie sat under glass on a table.
TOM: Yeah, Rene Descartes ... now *there* was a man who really knew
all the angles!
MIKE: [groans]
>> A stand by the door had the
>> traditional model of Washington's last command,
MIKE: It was a replica of the words: "Evasive action, quickly!"
>> the Miranda.
>> "So Glinn, what do you think of the Stargazer now," Washington
>> asked.
CROW: [as announcer] How much would you pay for a starship like this?
Don't answer, because you also get this amazing vinyl repair kit!
>> "Where can Cardassia purchase one?" Glinn Gusat replied.
TOM: [as announcer] At the friendly Dodge dealer nearest you!
>> "I've
>> never seen such a versatile vessel. Fighters, those warp pair craft,
>> and I've never seen such a large vessel corner so well."
MIKE: [as announcer] With all of these features and more, the new
Stargazer once again redefines the driving experience!
CROW: Clearly, it's the most astonishing vessel the author's mind ever
devised.
TOM: Actually, if you'll remember, it's the most astonishing vessel the
author's *brother* ever devised!
>> "Well, when the refitter has been around 150 years, he learns
>> some things," Captain Washington remarked.
TOM: Like where to buy Depends in bulk.
>> "Vulcan?"
CROW: [as T'Gwen] No thanks, I'm trying to cut back....
>> "No, Admiral Scott's human," Washington replied. "He spent a
>> quarter of a century as Captain Kirk's Chief Engineer."
>> "James T. Kirk?"
CROW: [as T'Gwen, sarcastically] No, *Shirley* Kirk, the *other* famous
Starfleet captain! Who do you think?!
>> "The same. Scott is a certified genius.
TOM: [as T'Gwen] But ever since we had to put him in a home, he's
just certified.
>> He's spent the last
>> couple years figuring out how to upgrade our older starships. He did
>> such a good job converting the Constellation class into the Stargazer
>> class
TOM: [singing]: ... that now he is the ruler of the Queen's navy!
>> that they're thinking of giving him the Nova Class project."
>> "Shouldn't he be retiring soon?"
>> "He did once. Reportably he couldn't stand it."
MIKE: [as T'Gwen] Either that, or his family couldn't stand him taking
up space on their couch. I forget which.
TOM: "Reportably"? Now he's just making words up!
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "Brag all you want, but don't stand between me and the bloodwine"
>> -CPT Benjiman Sisko, DS9
TOM: [as Sisko] It's a particularly rare vintage from the 20th century,
distilled from the blood of a man named W. C. Fields....
MIKE: [as announcer] Here at the blood bank of Ernest and Julio Gallo,
we will serve no wine before its time.
CROW: He's been saving it for when the Blood Beast comes to visit....
>>
>>
>> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 9
>> Date: 29 Oct 1996 14:07:47 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 195
>> Message-ID: <55533j$chc@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> Premier Maquis
>> by Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu)
>> DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions
>> part 9, serialized weekly
CROW: Despised daily.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
>>
>> Chapter Eight
>>
>> Captain's Log
>> Deep Space Nine
>> Captain Benjamin Sisko recording
TOM: [as Sisko] Help! I'm being held prisoner in a crappy fanfic!
>> The Stargazer has arrived towing the Roanoke. Apparently, the
>> Maquis tired to capture the Roanoke. I am happy to report that
MIKE: [as Sisko] Our ratings have improved ever since we started this
war-with-the-Dominion storyline.
>> due to
>> the efforts of the Stargazer and the Kid's Crew of the Roanoke, they
>> failed.
CROW: [as Sisko] Unfortunately, now they're back aboard my station!
Oh, where's that bloodwine when I need it...?
>> As a result of this attempt, several Maquis have been captured.
TOM: [as Sisko] And, as expected, the secretary has disavowed any
knowledge of their actions.
>> They include a former Bajoran Star Fleet Officer, Ro Laren.
CROW: If she's not Bajoran anymore, what is she?
>> This Ro
>> defected from the Enterprise three years ago at the rank of Lieutenant.
>> At the time she was
MIKE: A recurring role the writers were experimenting with to see if she
should become a "regular."
>> part of an attempt to infiltrate the Maquis.
>> Then Captain Jean-Luc Picard noted that he held himself partly to blame
>> in her file. She will be brought before a court-martial.
>>
>> Marrissa was walking down the promenade when she heard a
>> familiar voice
CROW: ... inside her head.
TOM: [as voice] You must kill them all! Kill everyone who stands in
your way!
>> from behind her. "Too busy to even stop and chat with
>> an old friend?"
MIKE: [as Marrissa] No ... too stuck up!
TOM: [as Marrissa] "Friend"? What's that?
>> Marrissa spun around looking for the owner of the voice.
>> She spotted the blond teenager sitting at a table in the Replimat which
>> she had just been going past. "Come over and join me,"
MIKE: [as Vader] Together we will rule the galaxy!
TOM: [makes Vader breathing noise]
>> Jay Gordon
>> asked. "I know you haven't had dinner yet."
CROW: What, he's Jay Gordon Kreskin all of a sudden?
>> "Jay, what are you doing here?" Marrissa inquired, as she sat
>> down across from Jay.
MIKE: [as Jay] Eating dinner. Duh!
>> "Captain Sisko asked for some back-up, after the Maquis declared
>> independence," Jay informed. "Star Fleet sent him the Independence.
TOM: [as Jay] Ironic, huh?
>> Since we've been out on exploratory missions, we haven't had much shore
>> leave. So Captain Morris
MIKE: [as commercial announcer] Finicky captains choose DS9 Lives.
>> authorized some when we came into port."
>> "I see you got your full Lieutenancy," Marrissa observed. "What
>> did you have to do to get it?"
CROW: [as Jay] Oh, you know how it is ... "You die, and we all move up
in rank...."
>> "You're looking at the Independence's new Chief of Operations,"
>> Jay beamed.
>> "I thought that was your father's position," Marrissa commented.
MIKE: [as Jay] Oh, I forgot to mention, he died a grisly death on some
mission or other. I don't remember much about it, except that it
made room for my advancement. Ho hum.
>> "He got bumped up to First Officer," Jay said, smiling. "We
>> were out of range of replacements, so Captain Morris appointed me. Why
>> me I have no idea, after all I'm leaving for the Academy in six months."
TOM: Why you? Why any of these little brats?!? Why should one more
gratuitous promotion make any difference?
>> "Because Jay, you're good at organization, that's why I made you
>> my number one back in the Enterprise's Kid's Crew," Marrissa said.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Just one look at your sock drawer and I knew you
belonged at second-in-command!
>> "Speaking of the Kid's Crew on the old Enterprise,
MIKE: [as Jay] What in the heck was Jean-Luc Picard smoking, anyway?!
>> how is Clara
>> doing in command?" Jay asked.
>> "My father left her and the Kid's Crew in command while he went
>> to talk to Admiral Necheyev on Starbase 12," Marrissa began.
TOM: [as Marrissa] Dad's still as dumb as ever!
>> "You know,
>> low risk watch, not much chance of trouble."
>> "You mean the kind of watch that Kid's Crew Captains turn into
>> great adventures?" Jay said.
MIKE: "Great adventure"? Isn't that how the army describes slogging
through hip-deep mud and getting your limbs blown off?
>> "Usually beginning with an attack by some
>> enemy of the Federation."
CROW: [as Jay] By some stupid-but-evil alien who can be mercilessly wiped
out by superior forces for the advancement of our own careers?
MIKE: Actually, it usually begins with some ASCII art, or a lame quote,
followed by a few acknowledgments.
>> "You've heard this story before," Marrissa accused.
TOM: We *all* have. Over and over and over and over.
MIKE: Stephen, you are merciless.
>> "The
>> Romulans sent their annual attempt to destroy a starship toward Starbase
>> 12 this year."
TOM: Wacky old Romulans. You can set your calendar by them.
CROW: Isn't it nice how the Federation lets the Romulans prance across
their border every year and doesn't declare war on them? I wonder
why the Romulans aren't so tolerant?
>> "So how did Clara do?" Jay asked.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] It was the strangest thing. She acted like a scared
kid with way too much responsibility thrust upon her in a dangerous
and unfamiliar situation. If highly trained adult officers hadn't
been nearby, thousands of lives would have been lost. I just don't
understand it.
>> "Quite well, much to her surprise," Marrissa mused. "She neatly
>> clipped off the engines of the Warbird and captured it."
TOM: [as Marrissa, muttering] Weak-kneed bleeding-heart liberal pansy!
If it had been me, I would have racked up 500 more kills!
>> "So is she still claiming that she's an Engineer, not a Starship
>> Commander?" Jay inquired.
>> "Of course," Marrissa confirmed. "Not that anyone believes that
>> Engineering is her only talent after that performance."
MIKE: I *know*....
>> "I hope not," Jay responded. "So how are you doing?"
>> "Let's see, my department is a nightmare, Cardassian personnel
>> feuding with Star Fleet personnel.
MIKE: [as Star Fleeter] Bony-ridged freak!
CROW: [as Cardassian] Pajama-wearing wimp!
TOM: [as announcer] On your marks! Let's start... THE GALAXY FEUD!!!
CROW [imitates game show theme music]
MIKE: [as Richard Dawson] Top five answers are on the board... name
something that Ratliff does regularly in his fanfic stories
that fills his readers with loathing and disbelief. Crow?
>> My quarters are next to the ship's
>> bar, which means I hear all of the bar fights, and the Stargazer seems
>> to have attracted all the prerequisites for them.
CROW: [as contestant] Uh... long-winded, stilted conversations about
topics that nobody cares about?
MIKE: [as Richard Dawson] Survey says...
ALL: BUZZZT!
MIKE: [as Richard Dawson] Nope! Not a top answer! Tom Servo, your
chance to steal!
>> To make matters
>> worse, I've been assigned the defense of former Star Fleet Officer
>> turned Maquis," Marrissa listed.
ALL: WHAT?!?
[short pause]
ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
TOM: [as contestant] I think I've got it, Richard.... How about
putting Marrissa in a position of responsibility that she has
neither the age nor experience to handle properly?
MIKE: [as Richard Dawson] NUMBER ONE ANSWER!!!
>> "Would that be Ro Laren?" Jay asked.
>> "It would," Marrissa confirmed.
>> "Perhaps I can help," Jay remarked.
TOM: Sure, why not? This situation hasn't become ridiculous enough
yet!!!
CROW: What happened, did every member of Starfleet's JAG office suddenly
come down with the Venusian flu?
MIKE: That, or more Ratliff gas....
>> "Since I've become Chief of
>> Operations, I've defended four people."
>> "How good are you?" Marrissa inquired.
MIKE: [as Jay] Why don't you come back to my quarters and find out?
>> "I'm four for four," Jay smiled.
MIKE: [as Jay] Four trials, four executions! That's good, right?
>>
>> Lieutenant Ro Laren sat back against the wall of her cell on
>> Deep Space Nine. Her knees bent, with an arm causally resting on it,
MIKE: Wow, this is either getting into really deep metaphysical territory,
or Ratliff still can't spell.
>> she contemplated her fate. She hoped they had got the west wing air
>> conditioned ... it was rather likely that she would be spending some
>> time in prison.
TOM: [as announcer] Tonight on "Hard Copy": Shocking footage of
Federation prison conditions....
>> After all she was being court-martialed for attempted
>> take over of a starship and numerous other things she had done as a
>> Maquis.
MIKE: But worst of all, they were *really* going to nail her for the
times she exceeded Warp 5 with non-refined engines!
>> As she mused over this, a young blond lady entered in a red Star
>> Fleet uniform. "Ro Laren?" the blond inquired.
>> "Yes?" Ro replied
TOM: Yo! Ro!
CROW: Oh, like she's never heard that one before.
>> "I'm Marrissa Picard, I'll be your defense attorney," she
>> replied.
CROW: [as Marrissa] And I've got a 21:14 Kobayashi Maru time, so you've
got nothing to worry about!
TOM: [as Ro] Look, let's save a little time here. Just take me down
to the lethal injection chair right now and get it over with, okay?
>> "I remember you," Ro commented. "You're the girl that got the
>> Ensign's rank at age 12. I know some non-coms that didn't like that."
CROW: I know some readers who didn't like it.
MIKE: [as Ro] Can you get me to a comm unit? They'd *really* like to
know you're here now....
>> "I know," Marrissa responded. "There are even a couple officers
>> who are resenting the speed at which I've been promoted.
CROW: [snickering] A couple? I think Marrissa's being *very* optimistic
in that assessment.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Ha ha, it's so much fun watching the little people
go on and on about their pathetic little lives!
>> Never mind the
>> fact that I've protested them all, with the exception of this last one
>> to Lieutenant Commander."
TOM: Yeah, her reluctance to command everyone around her *really*
shines through in Ratliff's stories, doesn't it?
>> "They put you on the fast track," Ro smiled. "I've been on it,
>> twice. Its not easy is it?"
>> "No, sometimes I feel like I'm under a magnifying glass,"
ALL: MORE SUNLIGHT! MORE SUNLIGHT!
>> Marrissa stated. "And if you make the slightest error ..."
MIKE: [as Marrissa] ... you brutally destroy all witnesses!
>> "They jump on you like a two year does with a spider on a
>> sidewalk," Ro finished.
CROW: But enough about those guys on the Satellite of Love!
MIKE: Ba-DUM-bum!
>> "Just be glad you haven't wound up in prison
>> yet."
TOM: [as Ro] Just be glad you have an author that constantly twists
logic and the laws of the universe for you.
>> "Do I sense a defeatist attitude?" Marrissa asked. "I shouldn't
>> be, after all I believe I can get you off."
BOTS: [you know the music] BWOW-ka-chicka-chicka-BWOW-WOW!
>> Ro laughed, "Right."
>> "Right," Marrissa replied. "After all, you can't be
>> court-martialed in an organization which you were not a part of at the
>> time of the crime."
CROW: But then she'll have to be tried by the Federation as a *civilian*
for attempted theft, sabotage, espionage and terrorism! Great plan,
Marrissa!
TOM: [as Marrissa] Hey, at least the case will be out of *my* hair, then!
As if I really have time to deal with the legal squabblings of mere
mortals!
>> "You're serious aren't you," Ro commented.
>> "My father considered your message to then Commander Riker as a
>> resignation," Marrissa informed. "That takes care of all but the charge
MIKE: ... of being too strong of a female character in a Next Generation
episode.
>> of sabotaging a mission. Unfortunately, that mission was classified,
>> I've got the details due to my
CROW: [as Marrissa] ... godhood.
>> level 15 clearance.
CROW: Whatever.
>> Unfortunately,
>> Captain Sisko, the chair of the court, only has level 10. He can't get
>> to it."
>> "How did you get level 15 clearance?" Ro asked. "That's usually
>> associated with a full Admiral's rank!"
>> "The clearance is
TOM: [as Marrissa] ... yet another mind-bogglingly improbable
contrivance I've encountered on my quest for ultimate power. I've
learned not to question them any more.
>> federation wide clearance," Marrissa stated.
>> "Star Fleet Clearance is a yes or no question.
CROW: [as Ro] Well, okay, that clears things up, I... huh?!?
>> As an officer, I've got
>> Star Fleet clearance. As the next in line to be head of state of a
>> member planet, or heir to Essex, I've got the level 15. It's a weakness
>> of the system."
CROW: And we're supposed to believe that Starfleet Command is too
mind-bogglingly stupid to fix such a gaping hole?
MIKE: Remember, this is Federation security we're talking about.
CROW: Oh. Yeah.
>> "So, Commander, have you done this before?" Ro inquired,
>> smiling.
ALL: [everyone clears throats loudly]
TOM: Shouldn't this have been posted in alt.startrek.creative.erotica?
MIKE: And how do *you* know about *that*?
>> "No, not as defense counsel," Marrissa replied.
TOM: In a *good* story, this would be the defendant's cue to request
new counsel!
>> "Usually I
>> serve on the other side of the gavel."
CROW: She's more used to serving as judge, jury and executioner.
>> "Who else is on the court?" Ro asked.
>> "Lieutenant Julian Bashir and Lieutenant Samuel Lavelle,"
>> Marrissa responded.
>>
>> Lieutenant Katherine Lochard was talking to her sister, Virginia
>> Szustakowski, the new Chief Engineer of the Stargazer, at Deep Space
>> Nine's Replimat. "You'll enjoy Commander Picard, Gina"
MIKE: Apparently, Gina is a dyed-in-the-wool masochist.
>> Kathy commented.
>> "She hasn't lost that child's sense of fun.
TOM: [sarcastically] How unusual to still have child-like qualities
when you're still a child!
>> One word of warning,
>> though, don't call her, Risa. Ross keeps making that mistake and ending
>> up with strawberry juice all over his uniform and hair."
CROW: Marrissa is *not* a well person.
TOM: Nope.
MIKE: Uh-uh.
>> "Sounds like fun," Virginia replied. "The second on the
>> Fearless was pure terror. You never knew what he was going to complain
>> about next."
MIKE: [as 2nd officer] Virginia Szustakowski? Your name's too long!
TOM: [as Virginia] I mean, really! Just because I blew up the warp
core! *Anyone* could make *that* mistake!
>> As she said this, Gina noticed her youngest sister,
>> Kerstin coming towards them. "Oh, here comes Kerstin the cursed
>> Captain."
>> "Don't let her hear you say that," Kathy said. "She's been
>> known to beat people up for that."
CROW: Stephen Ratliff's not a well person either, is he?
MIKE: Well ... that's kind of harsh. He's unusual, sure, but at least
he's found a harmless way to live out these fantasies of his.
CROW: You call *this* "harmless?"
>> "Someone mention my nickname?" Kerstin stated from behind Kathy.
>> Kathy blushed. "Don't worry, I know it was used in a good way.
TOM: [as Kerstin] So you get to live ... *THIS* time....
>> I'd
>> rather you call me that than having Mom."
>> "How is Mother," Gina asked.
MIKE: [as Gina] I haven't checked on her myself and I'm not really
interested, but as long as we're on the topic you might as well tell
me.
>> "She's been relieved of duty for the next week," Kerstin
>> informed. "Doctor Johnson of the Stargazer wants her to have time to
>> recover.
CROW: And the author wants to keep pre-adolescents in command for a while
longer.
>> She's already tried to have Doctor Bashir overrule him.
>> Apparently Bashir had been informed that she would try."
>> "I told Johnson," Kathy responded. "But don't tell Mom."
CROW: ... the Babysitter's Dead.
TOM: When did this fanfic become a soap opera?
>> "Don't tell me what?" Captain Mary Szustakowski asked,
MIKE: [as Mary] Are you two little ragamuffins conspiring against me
again?
>> approaching with her four remaining daughters.
>> "Mom, you were supposed to be resting in your quarters," Kerstin
>> stated.
>> "I couldn't stand it, so I decided to do a little shopping,"
MIKE: [as Mary] Compulsive shopping helps me to forget the pain of having
my own children show me up in the command chair!!!
>> Mary replied, gesturing to her daughters
TOM: Her nameless, voiceless, automaton daughters....
MIKE: The Throwaway Girls!
>> who where carrying various
>> packages.
TOM: ... silently, not talking or making eye contact with anyone,
including their own sisters.
CROW: Tommy, you're creeping me out here....
>> "Well at least you got someone to carry the packages," Virginia
>> commented.
>> "Mom, you should really rest," Katherine stated, seriously.
TOM: [as Katherine] Go back home and sleep it off, Mom!
>> "Kerstin, your still acting Captain of the Roanoke, aren't you?"
>> "Yes, Why?" Kerstin replied.
MIKE: Uh oh, here it comes....
CROW: This is Ratliff's opportunity to *really* peg the dysfunctionality
meter.
>> "Confine her to quarters, if she disobeys, try the brig," Kathy
>> said.
CROW: Mike, this fixation Ratliff has in all his stories, about young
children having authority over their parents and giving them
orders?
MIKE: Yes?
CROW: It's wrong, isn't it?
MIKE: Deeply and fundamentally, Crow.
CROW: Just checking.
>> "She is not going to get well shopping on DS9. Mom, I haven't
>> seen you this pale since right after you fought that Cardassian in
>> hand-to-hand combat, just four days after you gave birth to Kerstin."
MIKE: Wow. HMO's are *really* strict in the 24th century.
>> "How could you remember that?" Mary asked, palefaced.
>> "I was 12 years old at the time," Katherine responded. "As I
>> recall, you came back missing the upper half of your uniform and with a
>> rather large gash in your side."
TOM: Yuck. I did *not* need that mental image.
>> Captain Mary Szustakowski paled more at the memory as Kerstin
>> spoke up, "Captain Mary Szustakowski, as of this Stardate, you are
>> confined to quarters.
CROW: [as Kerstin] Go to your room, Mom!
TOM: [as announcer] This little playlet has been brought to you by
"Toughlove." It's not just for parents anymore!
>> You will remain there until such a time as you
>> are declared fit by Medical personnel.
TOM: [as Kerstin] And you *stay* there without supper until my sister
and I call you back down!
>> Lieutenants Lochard and
>> Szustakowski, would you see to her confinement? I'm expected in Ops."
MIKE: [as Kerstin] I know you think I'm just being a bitch right now,
Mother, but you'll thank me for this when you're older.
TOM: Yes, here we see the compassionate side of the Kid's Crew's
inherently bossy nature. We hope you folks at home were just as
touched by it as we were.
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
TOM: Time to go....
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
[Mike and bots get up to leave theater.]
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "Brag all you want, but don't stand between me and the bloodwine"
>> -CPT Benjiman Sisko, DS9
MIKE: [as Sisko] And don't step on my blue suede shoes.
CROW: [as Sisko] I'm gonna need all the bloodwine I can get to make it
through *this* story!
[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]
[SOL control room]
[Tom and Crow are leaning over the desk, which is filled with small
plastic model buildings, trees, etc.]
TOM: [to Crow] ... and this jungle area will be the shooting range,
with lots of pop-up cardboard targets.
[Mike walks in.]
MIKE: Guys, have you seen Gypsy? There's an awful racket coming
from the cargo.... [notices the desk] What's all this?
CROW: Well, Mike, we got to thinking, what if Ratliff's vision of
reality is not unique? What if *lots* of boys and girls back
on Earth want to experience the world the way Marrissa Amber
Flores Picard does?
MIKE: Crow, I realize you bots haven't had much chance to witness normal
human childhood, but....
TOM: Oh, give us some credit, Mike. We know that Ratliff's characters
are pure fiction. Otherwise, the Earth would have become a
smoking ruin years ago.
[Mike leans over the desk and starts examining the models carefully.]
TOM: But it also stands to reason that millions of children might want
to taste the power, the bloodthirst, the megalomania that *is*
Marrissa Picard, even if only for a short while. So we thought, why
not cash in on it?
CROW: Sooooo... welcome to our new theme park: Marrissa-Land!
[Mike yelps and leaps backward from the desk.]
CROW: Yes, Marrissa-Land, where parents are required to obey their
children at all times!
TOM: Park employees will also have to be obedient. Penalties for
failing to follow the orders of a young patron will range from
public humiliation to immediate dismissal.
MIKE: Hmm ... I suppose workers could also stage fake disputes with each
other and let the children negotiate binding settlements through
food and sleep deprivation and threats of physical violence....
CROW: *Now* you're getting into it, Mike! [Crow points to one corner of
the desk] Now over here we've got the obstacle course, where
children can drive real cars through hostile territory!
TOM: And over here is the gymnasium, where highly trained martial
artists will pretend to allow young patrons to beat them up
in cunningly convincing matches!
MAGIC VOICE: And all the equipment will be run by computers with voice-
recognition software, with override access codes given to
the children.
TOM: Nice touch, Magic Voice. And here we have the space-battle
simulators, where kids can rack up their *own* Kobayashi Maru
times!
MIKE: You know, I've always wondered about that. Where did Ratliff
ever get the idea that a psychological test designed to gauge an
officer's reaction to a no-win, certain-death situation was
*really* a battle simulation that measured how long you could
survive?
CROW: Mike, this is Ratliff you're talking about! Now get with the
program, you're slowing us down here!
MIKE: Well ... you should have a big stage where kids can stand and
introduce themselves and brag about all of their achievements,
listing them over and over, while reporters crowd around asking
sycophantic questions.
TOM: Oooh, nice one.
[A few bars of pretentious John-Williams-esque music fill the SOL.]
TOM: Right, Cambot! The park needs Marrissa's theme music blaring from
all the speakers.
CROW: And a theatre where Marrissa stories are staged several times a
day.
[Mike, Tom and Crow all shudder at this thought. Then Mike picks up one
of the plastic model buildings for a closer look.]
MIKE: What's this at the edge of the park? "State Penitentiary"?
Guys, there's a problem here. Nobody's going to bring their
kids to a park built right next to a high-security prison!
TOM: Mike, relax, it's not a *real* prison! Tell me, where would
Marrissa Picard be without an endless supply of evil-but-stupid
villains to defeat?
MIKE: [thinks for a moment] Well, I guess she'd be stuck at a
no-name boarding school hanging out with her sorority
sisters, picking on the less popular girls, and wondering why
none of the rich jock guys will date her more than twice.
CROW: Exactly! That's why the prison is there ... to give the Marrissa
wanna-be's a chance to do battle against amazingly clueless bad
guys!
TOM: You see, every afternoon the "inmates" --- in reality *highly*
paid employees --- will stage a break-out and take over the
park. Park employees will be powerless to stop them. The
children will rally together and, using equipment on hand
in wacky "Home Alone" fashion, capture all the inmates and send
them back to jail!
MIKE: Wow. That *is* clever! I hope you have good health insurance
lined up....
CROW: Oh, and all the food served in the park will be strawberry
something-or-other. Strawberry malts....
TOM: Strawberry cheesecake....
[Mads light starts flashing. Mike taps it.]
MIKE: Strawberry pancakes....
CROW: Strawberry-glazed hamburgers....
MIKE & TOM: Eeewwwwwww!
[Deep 13]
[Dr. Forrester is standing there with a notepad and pen. He scribbles
notes on his pad, and suddenly looks up at the camera.]
Dr.F: Oh, please, don't let me interrupt! Keep going!
[SOL]
MIKE: You're not taking this seriously, are you, sir?
[Deep 13]
[Pearl Forrester walks up beside Clayton. She is holding a brief case
and is dressed in the ultimate business-woman's outfit.]
Dr.F: Oh, but we are! The potential for evil here is *stunning*!
Ma F: A few phone calls to my connections in the Disney Corporation legal
and accounting departments, and Marrissa-Land will start
construction within the year!
[SOL]
MIKE: You don't *really* think Disney would go for this, do you?
[Deep 13]
Ma F: Oh, how naive they are, Clayton, how innocent about corporate
culture, media hype, and evil on a grand scale!
Dr.F: I thought they would have learned by now. [leers into monitor]
Maybe you need a few more lessons, hmmm? Here comes one now!
[Dr. F. presses the button.]
Ma F: Clayton, get the rolodex out of my briefcase! We've got some phone
calls to make!
[Clayton opens the briefcase, while Pearl picks up a phone and starts
dialing. Both are laughing.]
[SOL]
[Flashing lights, buzzers, pandemonium, etc.]
MIKE: FANFIC SIGN!
[commercials]
====================== Part 4/4 =====================================
[return from commercials]
[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]
>>
>> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: NEW DS9 Premier Maquis pt 10
>> Date: 5 Nov 1996 14:45:14 GMT
[Mike and bots enter theater.]
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 175
>> Message-ID: <55njtq$9dd@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
MIKE: You know, guys, you're not supposed to be *helping* the Mads
inflict evil on the world....
BOTS: [unison] Sorry!
>>
>> Star Trek : DS9
>> Premier Maquis
>> A Marrissa Story, Stargazer Mission
>> by Stephen Ratliff
MIKE: ... I liked the prison-break idea, though.
>> part 10
>> parts serialized weekly.
>> previous parts and other Marrissa Stories avialable at:
>> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
>>
>> Chapter Nine
>>
>> Captain Benjamin Sisko rang the bell,
CROW: [as Sisko as Quasimodo] Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
>> calling the court-martial
>> to order. On his right sat Doctor Julian Bashir, his left, Lieutenant
>> Sam Lavelle. At the persecutors table
MIKE: No wonder Ro has a persecution complex! They renamed the
prosecutor's table just for her!
>> sat Lieutenant Commander Worf.
>> The defendant, Ro Laren sat at the defense's table, not in uniform.
CROW: [as Sisko] I will not have tables out of uniform in my courtroom!
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard sat beside her, a smile crossing
>> her face as Sisko asked. "Mister Worf, would you please read the
>> charges?"
TOM: [as Worf] Visa or MasterCard?
MIKE: [as Spanish Inquisitor] You are accused of heresy on *three*
counts... no, *four* counts... look, I'll come in again.
>> "Ro Laren, Lieutenant, last assignment, CONN Officer, USS
>> Enterprise,
CROW: Ro Laren *is* Mr. B Natural!
>> is charged with sabotaging a mission, five counts of
>> attacking a Federation Starship, one count of attempted take over of a
>> Star Fleet vessel,
MIKE: One count of appearing in a crappy fanfic....
>> and going absent without leave," Worf read.
TOM: [as Worf] Oh, and she left the cap off the toothpaste.
>> "Defense, do you accept the charges?" Sisko asked.
>> "No, I do not" Marrissa replied.
CROW: [as Marrissa] The prosecution didn't use 1-800-COLLECT!
>> Lieutenants Lavelle and
>> Bashir's mouths dropped. Sisko was taken back as well.
MIKE: You take that Sisko right back!
TOM: [as Sisko] Wow, this takes me back to the days of my youth,
when I watched other fourteen-year old girls do equally stupid
things....
>> "All the
>> charges after Stardate 47897, are not in the jurisdiction of this
>> court."
>> "I'm afraid I must disagree, Miss Picard," Sisko responded.
>> Before Sisko could get in his pronouncement, Marrissa continued,
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Listen, just because you're in charge of this
courtroom, don't think that I can't interrupt you whenever I damn
well please!
>> "A Starfleet court-martial can only try someone on events happening
>> while they are in Starfleet. Ro Laren was not in Starfleet after that
>> STARDATE."
CROW: [as Marrissa] You see, Your Honor, Ro Laren is *really* an elf
who escaped from the slave labor sampo factories on Omicron
Theta IX. This means she is ineligible to be a member of
Starfleet, and therefore cannot be tried by this court!
TOM: [as Gusat] Makes sense.
>> "Mister Worf, can you counter that?" Sisko asked.
>> "I ask for a recess," Worf replied, frustrated.
MIKE: [as Worf] I want to go play on the jungle gym!
>> "One hour recess granted," Sisko responded, hitting the bell.
TOM: And that's the end of Round 1!
>>
>> An hour later, Sisko reconvened the court. "Mister Worf, your
>> counter please," he asked.
MIKE: [as Worf] My counter was too heavy, but I did bring a coffee
table.
>> "I regret that I must agree with Lieutenant Commander Picard,"
>> Worf responded. "Ro Laren's commanding officer at the time, now Rear
>> Admiral Jean-Luc Picard has supported that statement." Then muttering he
>> sat down.
CROW: [as Worf, muttering] ... senile old fart.
>> "I suspect Marrissa got to him first."
TOM: [sarcastically] Well, if the *great Jean-Luc Picard* feels that
way about it, then I guess there's just *no possible reason* to
look into this pivotal issue any further, right?
>> "What was that Worf?" Doctor Bashir asked.
MIKE: What Worf?
TOM: Where Worf?
CROW: [as Marty Feldman] There.... There Worf. There castle....
MIKE: Good one, Crow!
CROW: Thank you, thank you very much. I'll be here all week.
>> "Nothing Doctor," Worf replied.
TOM: Sure, major violations of ABA Disciplinary Rules, nothing at
all....
>> "That leaves the charge of abandoning a mission,
MIKE: ... with a little note pinned to its blanket saying, "Kringle."
>> sabotaging it
>> as a result," Captain Sisko stated. "Mr. Worf, call your witness."
>> "I call Captain William T. Riker, commanding the starship
>> Enterprise," Worf called.
CROW: Even in a text-based fanfic, you can just see ol' Riker swagger
in after that introduction.
>> "Aren't you lucky that he was vacationing here," Marrissa
>> commented as Riker entered.
MIKE: [as Sisko] Counsel will please keep her snotty comments to herself.
TOM: I think she means, "Aren't you lucky that I haven't had a chance
to tamper with *all* the material witnesses yet?"
>> "Luck had nothing to do with it," Riker said as he sat down.
CROW: [as Riker] It was a plot device, plain and simple!
>> Worf began his question, "Captain, on Stardate 47865, you were
>> serving as first officer of the Enterprise NCC-1701-D, where you not?"
TOM: [as Riker] Uh, Your Honor? I don't mean to tell you your job
here, but shouldn't I have been sworn in by now?
>> "Yes, that is the position I held," Captain Riker stated.
MIKE: [as Riker] I also directed a few episodes which received very
favorable reviews....
>> "Beginning on that STARDATE Ro Laren began a undercover mission
>> to flush out Maquis, correct?" Worf questioned.
>> "I was so informed," Riker responded.
TOM: [George Bush voice] I was out of the loop!
>> "Five days later you joined her as her 'brother,' correct?"
>> "Yes."
>> "Please tell me what happened during the next couple of days."
CROW: [as Riker] Well, first I woke up, kicked my date for the evening
out of bed, brushed my teeth....
>> "The Maquis had been fed information that the Cardassians were
>> trying to construct a biogentic weapon, and that the components of that
>> weapon were on a convoy passing near the DMZ. Ro had convinced the
>> Maquis that taking the convoy would be a good idea.
MIKE: [falsetto] It's, like, vital to our survival and stuff.
>> The Enterprise and
>> several other starships were hidden in a nearby nebula.
TOM: Man, they've got a lot of conveniently placed nebulas in Star Trek!
>> Just before the
>> Maquis raiders were to leave the DMZ, Ro scanned the nebula revealing
>> the Star Fleet vessels. The Maquis did not leave the zone. She gave me
>> a message for the Captain and beamed off."
>> "And what was that message."
MIKE: [as Riker] Something about, "Neener neener neener!"
>> "I'm afraid that I don't recall it."
TOM: [as Riker] My dog ate it.
MIKE: [as Riker] And I'm afraid that you won't be able to find out
anything about it by introducing the written report that I gave
the captain into evidence.
>> "Thank you, Captain," Worf responded. "Your witness, Marrissa."
CROW: [as Sisko] Yeah, I know it's a court-martial, but we're really
pretty loose about it. We're all on a first-name basis and
everything!
>> "Captain Riker, why did then Captain Picard send you to join
>> Ro?" Marrissa asked, standing up and walking over to Riker.
>> "He believed that Ro might not be able to complete the mission,"
>> Riker responded.
>> "So the Captain knew that Ro might not be able to complete the
>> mission,
TOM: [as Inspector Cluseau] Zat is vhat I have ben zaying!
>> yet left her on the mission," Marrissa stated. "Tell me
>> Captain, about how far back in your opinion did this concern go?"
CROW: [as Riker] Back into the very deepest, darkest recesses of my
opinion.
TOM: I'm going about prepositional phrases misplaced for days have
nightmares to come.
MIKE: [looks at Tom for a few moments, but doesn't say anything]
>> "In my opinion, Captain Picard
CROW: [as Riker] ... is bald.
>> did not want her on this mission
>> in the first place," Riker said.
>> "So Ro was sent on a mission, which her Commanding Officer did
>> not think she could complete, and she did not.
TOM: [as Terry Jones] Look, are you insinuating something?
CROW: [as Eric Idle] Oh no, no, nononononononono ... yes!
>> Tell me Captain, why
>> then was she sent on that mission?"
MIKE: [as Riker] The network wanted another "Maquis" episode. They
thought they should feed some unfinished storylines into "Deep
Space Nine," which was just about to premiere, to help boost its
ratings.
TOM: [as Sisko] The court rejects that line of reasoning.
>> "Admiral Carstairs gave the order," Riker remarked.
>> "Admiral Carstairs, wasn't he the one who as a starship Captain
>> put Ro up before another court-martial."
>> "Yes."
MIKE: Just call her "Marrissa Amber Johnnie Flores Picard Cochrane."
CROW: [Cochrane voice] With rhyme and "race," I'll win this case!
>> "No further questions," Marrissa said quickly returning to her
>> seat.
>> "You may step down," Sisko said. "Lieutenant Commander Picard,
>> you will refrain from making any more insinuations on people not here to
>> defend themselves."
TOM: Attaboy, Sisko! Come on, slap her with contempt of court! You
know you want to!
>> "When did I do that?" Marrissa smiled, innocently.
MIKE: [as Sisko] Computer, play back the defense counsel's last question
to Captain Riker so that she will know why she is being sent to
the brig.
>> "You know darn well," Sisko responded. "Your next witness,
>> Worf."
>> "The prosecution rests," Worf replied.
TOM: ... the HELL?! Worf hasn't even established a prima facie case yet,
and he rests! He hasn't even submitted any evidence related to the
actual charges at hand! Marrissa can just rest her case right now,
and Ro goes scot free!
CROW: Mike, is this Ratliff portraying Worf as stupid, or Ratliff
stupidly portraying Worf, or Ratliff just being plain stupid?
MIKE: Too soon to tell.
TOM: Meanwhile, Sisko seems to have about as much control over his
courtroom as Lance Ito....
>> Sisko raised an eyebrow.
>> "Lieutenant Commander Picard, call your first witness please."
>> "I call Ro Laren," Marrissa stated. Ro stood up, walked up to
>> the witness chair and sat down.
CROW: Wow, that was even more exciting than the stair-climbing sequences.
>> "Ro, Captain Riker stated that my
>> father, Jean-Luc Picard,
MIKE: [as Marrissa] ...a relationship about which I am so insecure that
I keep mentioning it at irrelevant times....
>> was worried about your ability to complete the
>> mission from the beginning. How did you feel about the mission."
>> "Objection," Worf interrupted. "Feelings are not relevant."
MIKE: [as Borg] This court will be assimilated.
>> "Overruled. Ro's feelings about this mission are very much a
>> part of this case. Go ahead."
TOM: Since when?! Did this suddenly turn into a psychiatric evaluation
when I wasn't looking?
>> Ro drew in a deep breath and began, "Well at first I just
>> thought
TOM: [as Ro] ... how nice it was that the writers put me in another
episode. I was starting to think they had forgotten about me.
>> it was another mission. Then after my cover was set, something
>> familiar hit. The role I was acting was like
TOM: [as Ro] ... in those soap operas when they intend to write a
character out of the series altogether!
>> the time I spent in the
>> Bajoran Resistance. I began to feel like a Cardassian plant.
CROW: Leafy, green and photosynthetic.
>> Eventually I got over it.
MIKE: [as Ro] My feelings are pretty shallow that way.
TOM: [as John Cleese] I got better....
>> But as I got to know the people, the feeling
>> returned. When the Cardassians attacked the town where I was living, I
>> defended myself.
CROW: [as Ro] Not the town, mind you, just myself.
>> In the fire fight, the leader of the cell, who I had
>> grown close to died. Suddenly everything had changed. I wasn't a Star
>> Fleet Officer looking at people who were disobeying the law.
TOM: [falsetto] I was Celestria, Queen of the Galaxy!
>> I was one
>> of them. I had felt and shared their loss.
TOM: [as Clinton] I feel your pain.
>> I was apart of them. I
>> also discovered that I was his chosen successor. I did not want to let
>> them down, but I also didn't want to let Captain Picard down."
>> "That's when then Commander Riker joined you," Marrissa
>> prompted.
>> "Yes, I have to admit I was resentful of the Commander being
>> added. It was as if Captain Picard didn't trust me.
ALL: ... because he *didn't*!
>> On top of that,
>> the plan to capture the Maquis who had become my friends had me
>> doubting my loyalties as well."
>> "What made you decide to resign and protect your new friends?"
TOM: [as Number Two] Number Six, why did you resign?!
>> "I think it was that friendship ... During the time I was in
>> Star Fleet, I never developed many friends.
CROW: [as Ro] They always used to laugh and call me names. They never
let me join in any Starfleet games.
>> When I served under
>> Captain Carstairs on the Challenger, I was on the fast track,
MIKE: [as Ro] All those medals and promotions were a real hardship.
>> and not
>> many people were willing to associate with a Bajoran.
CROW: They bring down the property values, you know.
TOM: Yup.
>> At the time our
>> home world was still occupied by the Cardassians and we were seen as
>> little more than stray dogs.
MIKE: Bad Bajoran! Go home!
>> Then I was court-martialed for disobeying
CROW: ... the leash laws. I tell you, that was the last straw!
>> orders that I couldn't obey in good conscience. When I was assigned to
>> the Enterprise, the shadow of that court-martial followed me around. I
>> still didn't get many friends, with the exception of Guinan, hostess in
>> Ten-Forward.
TOM: ... and several of her hats.
>> I never felt like I belonged.
MIKE: [as Morrissey] Did I mention that I cried?
>> The Maquis, after I passed
>> though there initial suspicions, made me feel like I belonged."
CROW: [announcer voice] We've secretly replaced this Starfleet
court-martial with the plot line from "I Accuse My Parents."
Will these Starfleet officers be able to tell the difference?
Let's watch....
>> "One last question," Marrissa asked. "Knowing what you know
>> now, would you have taken that mission?"
>> "No,
MIKE: [as Ro] When they wrote me out of the series, they told me I
could have a recurring role on the new DS9 series, but that never
happened.
>> I didn't have the loyalty and ties to Star Fleet that it
>> takes to go undercover," Ro replied. "I didn't know that then, but I do
>> now."
TOM: [as Ro] I couldn't *handle* the truth!
>> "Your witness, Worf," Marrissa concluded.
>> "You stated that you were beginning to doubt yourself way before
>> you resigned," Worf recapped. "Why didn't you ask to be pulled off the
>> mission?"
MIKE: ... because the episode would have under-run?
TOM: [as Worf] Sorry, Your Honor. I meant to ask something relevant,
like: "Did you or did you not desert Starfleet and give your
services over to an enemy agency?"
>> "I felt that I could push myself though the doubts," Ro
>> responded. "And I didn't want to let Captain Picard down."
>> "An honorable intention," Worf replied. "But you still let him
>> down. You disobeyed orders, abandoned your post, betrayed your fellow
>> officers..."
TOM: [as Worf] But since you explained how you felt about it, I guess
we can drop the charges. Just don't let it happen again!
>> "Objection, badgering the witness," Marrissa interrupted.
>> "Sustained," Sisko rang. "The prosecution will refrain from
>> resighting a list of the offenses the defendant is on trail for."
MIKE: Well, sure, I can see how talking about the crimes Ro is accused
of committing would be totally irrelevant --- huh?
TOM: I'm continually amazed how many ways Ratliff can misspell even
*with* a working spellchecker.
CROW: Not to mention Eugen Woiwod, who should probably keep his day job.
>> "No further questions," Worf concluded. A shaken Ro descended
>> from the stand.
TOM: My God, Pauly Shore would make a better prosecutor than Worf!
>> "The Defense would like to enter into the record, the
>> defendant's last Commanding Officer's recommendations and comments,"
>> Marrissa asked.
CROW: [as Marrissa] See? My dad says it's okay, so you *have* to let
her go!
>> "Does the Prosecution have any objections?" Sisko asked.
MIKE: [as Sisko] Oops, I meant to say *Persecution* there....
>> "No, your honor," Worf replied.
>> "So entered," Sisko stated.
>> "The Defense rests," Marrissa stated.
>> "Then we will call it a day," Sisko responded.
CROW: That day lasted 20 minutes, tops.
MIKE: Starfleet sure overworks its officers.
TOM: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, after an *exhaustive* investigation
into *all* the relevant issues, the court stands adjourned. Sad,
really.
>> "Tomorrow we
>> will hear your closing statements."
MIKE: ... right after these commercial messages.
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "You know, it's attitudes like that which keep yoy people from getting
>> invited to all the really good parties
>> -Quark "Looking for Par'Mach in All the Wrong Places"
TOM: Hey! The Yoy are a proud people with a rich cultural background,
and I will *not* have them maligned!
>>
>> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: NEW Premier Maquis part 11
>> Date: 12 Nov 1996 15:41:09 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 128
>> Message-ID: <56a5ql$8lt@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: ruacad-gw.runet.edu
CROW: I'm starting to enjoy these headers --- as a break from the story.
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> Premier Maquis
>> by Stephen Ratliff
>> A Marrissa Story, Stargazer Mission
>> part 11
>> story serialized weekly.
>>
>> Feedback Requested. MSTers accepted.
TOM: Those looking for plausibility and gripping dialogue need not apply.
>>
>> Chapter Ten
>>
>> Jay Gordon was admiring Marrissa's Quarters. He liked
>> Marrissa's taste.
MIKE: I'll bet she tastes like strawberries.
TOM: Eeewwwwwwww!
CROW: Mike, that was wrong!
MIKE: I know. I'm so ashamed.
>> The soft green drapes hugged the windows, benefiting
>> from the saucer design of the remodeled ship. Jay noticed the painting
>> of Marrissa, himself, Clara, Alexander, and Shayna coming out of the
>> woods of DOAllen.
TOM: Their friends had left them there days ago after playing the
cruel tripe-hunting prank.
>> "Data's work?" he inquired.
>> "Yes, he gave it to me as a gift when I left the Enterprise,"
CROW: [as Marrissa] He said I could have it as long as I promised never
to come back.
>> Marrissa confirmed offering Jay his favorite drink, root beer.
MIKE: Candy is dandy, but liquor is off-limits to Ratliff's command
staff.
>> "I don't think he got Shayna's hair right," Jay remarked,
>> accepting the drink.
>> "I'll tell him," Marrissa responded.
TOM: [as Marrissa] And then I'll have him killed.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Anything for another chance to humiliate a
superior officer....
>> "He'll undoubtedly endeavor to be more observant," Jay smiled.
>> "So how is your case going?"
>> "I'm not sure," Marrissa replied.
TOM: [as Marrissa] I'll win, of course, but I've had remarkably few
chances so far to recite my list of titles and accomplishments or
my Kobayashi Maru time.
>> "The charge reduction idea
>> worked,
TOM: [as Marrissa] Smaller Visa bills really *do* reduce my interest
payments.
>> but like you said, that was a fairly easy maneuver. Riker's
>> testimony went well, but I'm afraid that there are too many holes in the
ALL: Plot!
>> favorable part of his testimony. I hope Worf missed them."
>> "Considering some of the things Worf missed in the past, you
>> have nothing to fear," Jay encouraged.
MIKE: [as Worf] I *heard* that.
CROW: [as Jay] Eeeeep!
>> "You may be right," Marrissa said, not quite sure.
TOM: [as Marrissa] If not, I can always beat Worf up again, like I did
when I was 12....
>> "But I still
>> have to get through the closing statements."
>> "You will, Risa," Jay responded, trying to get a reaction.
>> "Jay Alan Gordon," Marrissa suddenly perked up,
CROW: I think Ratliff is confusing perkiness with psychotic mania.
>> "How many times
>> do I have to tell you not to call me that?"
TOM: [as Jay, excited] Oh yes, Marrissa. I'm being *very* bad. I
think you're going to have to punish me.
>> "Oh, some number around infinity," Jay smiled. "So are you
>> willing to hear my suggestions, your highness."
>> "Yes, but drop the titles, sir knight," Marrissa replied,
>> somewhat peeved
CROW: I think Ratliff is confusing peevishness with....
MIKE: We *know*.
>> after Jay's jabs. "Or I'll spend some time giving your
>> little sister some new ways to drive you nuts."
TOM: Chinese water torture, long-term solitary confinement, forced
reading of all the Stephen Ratliff stories in one sitting....
>> "Please, not Jacquelynn."
MIKE: The Day of the Jacquelynn.
>>
>> Once again, the court-martial assembled in Deep Space Nine's
>> Observation Lounge.
CROW: ... or observed in DS9's Assembled Lounge.
MIKE: I think you've done that joke enough now, Crow!
>> Commander Sisko rang the bell, calling the court to
>> order.
CROW: [as doorman from Wizard of Oz] Who rang that bell?!
>> "Commander Worf, your closing statement please."
TOM: [as Worf] She's guilty. I'm finished.
>>
>> "Lieutenant Ro Laren is charged with disobeying orders,
>> sabotaging a mission, and defecting," Worf said, beginning to pace in
>> front of the judges.
CROW: [as Worf, muttering] I don't know if I can hold it until recess;
I really gotta go....
>> "She deliberately did so, with full knowledge of
>> the consequences of her actions. She has shown a remarkable willingness
>> to
MIKE: ... sulk moodily in strange body postures.
>> explain her actions, but that does not change the fact that she did
>> the deeds. Ro Laren has shown disregard for orders in the past, which
>> is a matter of her record. She does not protest the events which lead
>> to this trial. As such she should be found guilty."
TOM: [as Worf] Granted, I haven't given you one shred of evidence to
*prove* that she did these things, but take my word for it, OK?
I gotta get outta here on the last shuttle, so let's hurry this up.
Riker and I have a movie to shoot.
>> "Miss Picard, your closing," Sisko prompted after Worf sat down.
MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Henson's Perry Mason Babies.
>>
>> "Thank you Captain," Marrissa responded, standing up to address
>> the judges.
>> "It's an interesting situation we have here.
MIKE: In *this* story? You're kidding, right?
>> Star Fleet
>> Command wanted Ro to be tried for the events which lead to her
>> resignation. Meanwhile outside these doors, reporters await our
>> results, questioning what effect this will have on Maquis Independence.
CROW: [as Marrissa] Just my usual entourage of 60 or 70 reporters.
Pay them no mind.
TOM: [as Marrissa] We *should* be letting the *media* try this case!
>>
>> "In any case, you must judge Ro. It can not be an easy task.
>> Star Fleet has always held that if you can't carry out your duties, in
>> good conscience, you should resign. Ro tried to carry out her duties,
>> and resigned when she could not do so in good conscience.
TOM: Show me the regulation that says that pointing a phaser at a
superior officer and beaming away is a valid way to "resign."
CROW: [as Ro] I resign. Now don't make me shoot you!
>> Ro is now
>> being tried for doing what her conscience told her, which is an ideal
>> which Star Fleet holds dear.
MIKE: So if your conscience tells you to commit a crime, it's okay. "Star
Trek" suddenly makes a lot more sense now!
>> In any case, the facts of the case are as
>> Worf stated them. Ro did commit those deeds.
>> "The question is
TOM: Why is a courtroom scene with less drama than a quilting bee
the entire second half of this story?
MIKE: Well, they did the same thing on TNG more than once.
CROW: On TOS, they knew how to end these courtroom episodes with a
decent fist fight *and* the ship in peril....
>> not if, or even why she did so. She did, and
>> we have heard her reasons, which undoubtedly were the result of much
>> soul searching
CROW: [as announcer] Tonight on "Soul Search" --- a friendless Bajoran
Star Fleet lieutenant sings selections from Tina Turner's latest
album!
TOM: That soul searching and those reasons *might* be worth one or two
years off of her sentence, but I doubt it.
>> on her part. No, the question is, is this the right place
>> to try her.
MIKE: Then hand her over to the *Federation's* criminal justice system!
I'm sure they'd *LOVE* to have a shot at putting her away for good.
>> She was not a member of Star Fleet at the time.
TOM: Sorry, Ratliff. Repeating this idea won't make it any more
believable!
>> She
>> submitted her resignation, due to orders she could not obey in good
>> conscience. This is in the tradition of Star Fleet. Other officers
>> have done so in the past, they were not tried by Star Fleet.
TOM: Ah yes ... the grand old Starfleet tradition of pointing a phaser
at a superior officer and beaming to an enemy ship! How could you
*possibly* punish Ro for that?
>> In fact
>> many of them later returned to Star Fleet and were welcomed with open
>> arms.
MIKE: Well, here's our little fugitive! Welcome back! We've got a nice
little cell all ready for you!
>> "Gentlemen, remember that tradition while you deliberate,"
>> Marrissa concluded. She returned to her seat and sat down with a sigh
>> of relief.
CROW: Well, *that* oughta send her up the river!
>> "This court is now in recess," Captain Sisko stated. "We will
>> reassemble when a judgment has been made."
MIKE: [as Sisko] We need about five minutes for a cup of tea. Dr. Bashir,
is the hanging rope ready?
>>
>> "Glinn, do you know how to play poker?"
CROW: [as Gusat] Poke who?
>> It was an innocent
>> question coming from the ship's Chief of Operations, Assist Glinn Duvek.
>> The two had been eating lunch in the ship's mess on deck six
CROW: It's not *my* mess. You clean it up!
MIKE: Old joke.
>> above seven
>> slightly starboard. It was a meal that the two had made a point of
>> having together since they had served together under Gul Ducat.
>> "You mean the human game that Picard and her circle
TOM: ... of junior Khan Noonian Singhs....
>> were playing
>> last night," Gusat asked. Duvek nodded. "I've watched them play a
>> couple of times, and I know the rules, what's good to hold and what's
>> bad, but I've never played it."
CROW: [as Gusat] But I still don't understand why they were removing
clothing as they played.
>> "Some of us would like to learn the game well enough to
>> challenge the Commander's circle," Duvek replied.
>> "A worthy ambition, if not difficult," Gusat commented. "Just
>> who is 'some of us.'"
>> "Myself, Assist Guvek, Assist Dar Ekat, and Dar Dukat," Duvek
>> informed.
CROW: Better wipe off the screen after that sentence.
[Mike stands up and squeegees the screen.]
>> "Good," Gusat replied.
>> "You expected a problem?" Duvek asked, judging Gusat's tone from
>> his long friendship.
>> "Frankly, yes," Gusat responded. "If you had mentioned Assist
>> Dar Davek, I would have suspected an ulterior motive."
MIKE: [as Gusat] He's the one who kills people when he loses at cards,
right?
>> "You mean the noble Orange Wing Commander who got in a fight
>> with a Star Fleet Engineer last night
TOM: HiKeevek!
>> and is residing in Guvek's brig,"
>> Duvek remarked. "You will have Gavek's recommendation, along with
>> Commander Picard's, on your desk after lunch. It seems that he isn't
>> doing any better as a wing commander than he is at integrating himself
>> into a mixed crew."
CROW: I'm having trouble keeping track of names here. I can't tell who's
a new character and who's just misspelled!
>> "So I can expect a rather poor recommendation on Davek?" Gusat
>> inquired.
MIKE: [as Duvek] You mean the kind of recommendation that puts a huge
black spot on a Cardassian officer's career and follows him around
for the rest of his life?
TOM: Huh?
MIKE: Just following along with the pattern....
>> "Scathing might be more like it," Duvek responded.
CROW: And what the heck does this have to do with *anything* else in
the story?
>> Then as
>> Gusat's left eye ridge rose in inquiry, he continued. "Guvek asked me
>> to proofread his report for him."
>> "Has he found the spell check function yet?" Gusat asked.
>> "I think so, and the thesaurus as well," Duvek replied.
CROW: [as Duvek] But despite all that, he *still* writes like Ratliff!
MIKE: I get the feeling that Ratliff set that situation up *just* so we
could knock it down, don't you?
TOM: Yeah. Strange.
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "You know, it's attitudes like that which keep yoy people from getting
>> invited to all the really good parties
>> -Quark "Looking for Par'Mach in All the Wrong Places"
TOM: [singing] Looking for Par'Mach in too many faces....
MIKE: Too easy.
>>
>>
>> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: New DS9 Premier Maquis pt 12
>> Date: 19 Nov 1996 15:37:22 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 108
>> Message-ID: <56sk7i$6c6@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>>
>> Title: Premier Maquis
>> Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu)
>> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions
>> Summery:
TOM: Today's fanfic installment will be warm and summery, with
occasional blasts of hot air from the author.
>> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships.
>> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them
MIKE: Audience tries to keep from clawing out their own eyeballs.
>>
>> part 12 of 13, serialized weekly
CROW: I think Ratliff misspelled "weakly" there....
>> parts available at: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
>> Comments requested.
>>
>> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and
>> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used
>> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
>> living or dead, is entirely coincidental
>>
>> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company.
>> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
>>
>> Chapter Eleven
>>
>> The court room was silent as Captain Benjamin Sisko,
TOM: ... began his rendition of "My Way."
>> Doctor
>> Julian Bashir, and Lieutenant Samuel Lavelle filed in the room.
MIKE: After that, there was some data entry and dictation to be done.
>> Lieutenant Commander Worf sat, confident that he
CROW: ... physically resembled Perry Mason more than Marrissa did.
>> had made his case,
>> behind his table. Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard sat at the
>> defendant's table, not at all confident, in fact she was going through
>> all the flaws in her conduct of the case, real and imagined in her mind.
TOM: And boy does she have a *big* list of them to choose from!
MIKE: If only the author would follow Marrissa's example here....
>> Meanwhile the defendant sat passive, accepting her fate, what ever it
>> might be.
CROW: Sounds like a Bajoran resistance fighter to me, all right.
TOM: Yup.
>> "We find the defendant not guilty," Captain Benjamin Sisko
>> pronounced, to the astonishment of both counsels.
CROW: ... and absolutely *none* of the readers.
[MIKE stands up and throws various heavy objects at the screen]
MIKE: [screaming] Court martial Ben Sisko! No justice, no peace!!!
CROW: Uh, Mike? Are you okay?
MIKE: Huh? Oh yeah, I'm fine. I was just starting a riot.
CROW: What?
MIKE: You know ... inciting to violence, promoting anarchy. It's a
little tradition we have down on Earth in America whenever a
court verdict just screams "gross miscarriage of justice."
TOM: Mike, if I remember that tradition right, you can't participate in
it unless you're a minority and poor. Did you see any riots in
Beverly Hills after the O.J. verdict came out?
MIKE: [pauses] Yeah, I guess you're right....
[MIKE sits down]
>> Worf barely
>> restrained himself from using a Klingon cuss word.
TOM: A loose translation of the word would be: "May Stephen Ratliff be
commissioned to rewrite your nation's historical documents."
>> Marrissa was over
>> joyed at her success, in fact she was at a loss of words.
CROW: If only *that* moment could last....
>> "We believe
>> that her actions were guided by her conscience, which as Commander
>> Picard has pointed out is the best that Star Fleet expects.
MIKE: [as Sisko] Go in peace and continue your life of crime and
terrorism against the Federation, Ro. You have our blessing!
TOM: [as Ro] Great! And now, if you'll excuse me, my conscience
tells me that for the good of the Maquis, this space station
must be blown up.
>> Furthermore, we find that the mission she was sent on was ill
>> advised and should have been stopped before it started. As such we
>> believe that an acquittal is the only course we could have arrived at.
>> Court is adjourned"
TOM: Wait! What about handing her over to civilian authorities to try
her for smuggling and piracy and stuff! OK, so we know from prior
experience that the Federation is hopelessly screwed up about a lot
of things. But I'm reasonably confident that stealing starships,
gassing people, and blowing stuff up are *probably* still
considered crimes!
>>
>> Marrissa Picard and Ro Laren exited the courtroom together,
>> heading to the Promenade.
CROW: Or promenading to the.... You were right, Mike. I should have
quit after the last one.
>> The judgment of the court was just being
>> realized by Ro.
[ALL imitate sounds of reporters rushing to the scene.]
MIKE: [as reporter] Ms. Picard, is there any truth to the allegation
that the court-martial verdict was influenced by "Ratliff gas"?
CROW: [as reporter] Were the judges locked in a room and threatened
with violence until they came to a verdict that you approved of?
TOM: [as reporter] Ms. Ro Laren, now that you've won your case, what
crimes of conscience do you plan in the future?
>> "Commander, I believe I owe you dinner," Ro remarked.
>> "That's not necessary, Ro," Marrissa responded. "I was just
>> doing my job
CROW: [as Marrissa] ... and now I must move on, to free other traitors!
>> and most of my plans came from Jay anyway."
>> "Commander, plans can go wrong very quickly if you don't know
>> how to execute them and can't make up for holes in them," Ro replied.
TOM: Which you didn't, of course. But that didn't matter, since you'd
bought off the judge and prosecutor....
>> "Which you knew how to, so I do owe you."
>> From behind them, Odo's voice came, "One minute if you will,
>> Miss Ro."
MIKE: [as Columbo] ... Just one more thing....
>> "Certainly Constable," Ro responded. "What can I do for you?"
>> "Get off my station as soon as possible," Odo remarked gruffly.
TOM: [as Odo] No wait, that came out all wrong.... Ro, come with me
to the brig where you will await trial on charges from the
Federation civilian authorities...
>> "I'll be booking a passage to Bajor after dinner, Constable," Ro
>> responded. "You really should improve your menu in the brig. Its
>> almost cruel and unusual punishment."
MIKE: At least they don't make you read any Ratliff stories there.
>> "Talk to Quark, he has the contract," Odo said,
CROW: [as Odo] You may beat him senseless if you want.
>> turning around
>> to leave.
>> "What are you planning to do on Bajor?" Marrissa asked.
CROW: [as Ro] I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!!
>> "There is an old opponent of mine who is rather high in the
>> religious orders," Ro responded. "I though I'd stop by and annoy her."
TOM: [as Ro] Who knows? Maybe I could hijack one of *her* ships!
MIKE: I just realized something. The only extracurricular hobby
Ratliff characters ever have is hanging around and annoying each
other!
CROW: Well, that's pretty much Ratliff's only hobby, too....
>> Behind them a thump was heard. Ro and Marrissa wheeled around. Odo was
>> lying on the floor, unconscience.
MIKE: Sorry, I just don't buy it. Odo is one of the most "conscienced"
people in the Star Trek universe.
>> "What in the world?" Marrissa exclaimed. Then she too was
>> knocked out.
ALL: WAHOOOO!!!!!!!
TOM: Now's your chance, whoever you are! One shot with a phaser set to
kill, that's all I'm asking! You've already assaulted a peace
officer. What have you got to lose?
>> Ro turned to the attacker and inquired, "Why did you do that?
>> I've been acquitted."
>> "Sorry sir," the gruff Maquis responded.
CROW: [as gruff Maquis] Duh, you wants I should stop hitting them now?
>> "Oh well, I assume an escape has been arranged?" Ro asked.
>> "This way."
MIKE: So let me get this straight.... Ratliff wasted major portions of
three chapters trying to set Ro free in the most ridiculous way
possible, when all along a much more believable way to achieve this
goal had been thought of and planned for?
TOM: Yup. Pretty much.
>>
>> A hour later, Marrissa woke up in the infirmary with a headache.
>> "What happened?" she asked, her hand going to her head.
TOM: [as Marrissa] Funny, I don't remember that dent being there
before.... By the way, who am I?
>> "Someone tried to use your head as an anvil," Doctor Bashir
>> responded.
CROW: [hopefully] They placed a red-hot piece of metal on it and
bashed it repeatedly with a 20-pound hammer?
MIKE: [as Bashir] It looked like fun. I'd like to try it myself, if
I may.
>> "Remind me to tell Odo that I'm not happy with his security,"
>> Marrissa remarked, sitting up.
TOM: [regal falsetto] We are displeased.
>> "I'm not happy with it either," Odo responded from a nearby bed.
>> "Doctor, can I leave now?"
>> "You both may go, but try not to get hurt again," Doctor Bashir
>> responded.
>> "Doctor, I'm in the Command Branch," Marrissa responded.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Have I told you the stories of all my honors and
accomplishments and titles and stuff? And I'm a princess!
>> "We're
>> supposed to get hurt.
MIKE: I've been following your life story for some time now, Marrissa,
and it occurs to me that you've got some catching up to do in the
"getting hurt" part of life. I'd like to rectify that situation
if I ever get the chance....
TOM: I'd settle for just hurting the author.
>> That way we can disregard the Doctor's orders and
>> pull off some feat while the CMO is trying to get us to return to
>> Sickbay."
CROW: Tell that to the Szustakowski kids.
>> "That explains a lot," Doctor Bashir stated.
TOM: It explains that the Star Trek writers use the same lame plot
device to build suspense over and over and over.
>> "Oh, Lieutenant
>> Jay Gordon was here. He said that he would like to see you as soon as
>> you can."
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Tell him not tonight. I have a headache.
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "You know, it's attitudes like that which keep yoy people from getting
>> invited to all the really good parties
>> -Quark "Looking for Par'Mach in All the Wrong Places"
>>
>>
>> From: sratliff@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: New DS9 Premier Maquis 13/13
CROW: All right! The beginning of the end!
MIKE: Huh? I don't see any giant crickets anywhere.
>> Date: 26 Nov 1996 14:34:07 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 97
>> Message-ID: <57ev4v$4rd@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> Title: Premier Maquis
>> Author: Stephen Ratliff (sratliff@runet.edu)
>> Series: DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions
>> Summery:
>> The Marqui declare Independence and try to steal some starships.
>> Marrissa and the USS Stargazer try to stop them
>>
>> This Story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and
>> incidents are either a product of the author's imagination or are used
>> fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons,
>> living or dead, is entirely coincidental
MIKE: Thank God for that, and I mean that sincerely, from the bottom of
my heart!
>>
>> Star Trek is property of Paramount Pictures, a ViaCom company.
>> The story is property of Stephen B. Ratliff, Copyright 1996.
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
>>
>> Epilogue
TOM: Star Trek --- The Quinn-Martin Generation.
>>
>> "So Jay, what's up?" Marrissa asked, as they finished their
>> dinner on the station's Promenade's Replimat.
TOM: [as Jay] Well, in space that's a little harder to define because
the normal frames of reference don't exist, so....
CROW: [as Marrissa] Shut up, Jay.
>> "Let's see, we've lost three of the four Intrepids in the DMZ,
>> two of Deep Space Nine's three runabouts, and several other merchant
>> ships are now Maquis," Jay recited.
TOM: [singing, a la "The 12 Days of Christmas"] Three of four
Intrepids,
CROW: [singing] Two of three runabouts,
MIKE: [singing] One Deep Space Nine,
ALL: [singing] And the merchant ships are now Maaaaaquiiiiiiiiiis!
>> "Has Congress or Star Fleet decided what to do
MIKE: [as Jay] Starfleet has decided to let them go. If they come
back, they're ours. If not, they never were.
>> about the Maquis
>> Declaration of Independence?" Marrissa asked. "I've been too busy with
>> Ro's trail to keep up."
CROW: [as Marrissa] Following footprints and broken twigs is hard work,
you know!
MIKE: [as Jay] Well, there was a massive seismic disturbance on Earth
caused by Thomas Jefferson spinning in his grave, but other than
that....
>> "Congress is still debating," Jay responded. "Star Fleet has
>> altered our patrol routes to the outside of the DMZ.
TOM: Why was Starfleet sending military vessels on patrol *inside* a
"demilitarized zone" in the first place!?
MIKE: I still say, Ratliff doesn't know what that phrase means.
>> Cardassian Central
>> Command is doing likewise."
>> "Sensible, but I'm sure you didn't invite me to dinner to
>> discuss politics," Marrissa stated.
CROW: [as Jay] You got me. Actually I wanted to discuss logical
positivism.
>> "No, to be honest, it's boring on the Independence," Jay
>> remarked. "As Chief of Operations, I'm now senior staff and their
>> aren't very many people who aren't nervous around me.
MIKE: [as Jay] And since I'm the favorite protege of Marrissa Picard,
there's no one who doesn't fear and loathe me.
>> And those that
>> aren't won't associate with me due to my age."
TOM: Yeah, sure, kid, whatever you say. But before jumping to
conclusions, I'd check out the pictures of "boring" and
"insufferable" in the dictionary....
>> "I know the feeling," Marrissa consoled.
MIKE: [as snooty supermodel] Don't hate me because I'm power-crazed,
psychotic, and superior to you in every way....
>> "At least you're a
>> little older than I was when I became Chief of Security on the
>> Enterprise."
>> "You at least had the support of your kid's crew and some good
>> friends," Jay maintained. "My first officer hasn't said any more than
>> 'yes sir, no sir' since I got promoted."
TOM: Wait a minute. Didn't he say earlier that his *dad* was the
ship's first officer?
MIKE: Tom, if I could clearly remember little details like that from a
story like this, I think I'd go crazy.
TOM: Electronic memory is a mixed blessing at best, Mike.
CROW: Hey, maybe he means the officer assigned directly under him.
MIKE: Well, I'm going out on a limb here, but *maybe* that officer was
resentful that a 15-year-old brat was promoted into a position which
he, by training and experience, should have been assigned?
>> "You do have a problem," Marrissa observed. "Well you know
>> where Clara and I are, if you
TOM: [as Marrissa] ... need someone killed.
>> feel the need to talk to some one.
>> Meanwhile, I can get used to a handsome young man taking me out to dinner
>> when we're both in port."
CROW: [as Marrissa] Do you know any?
>> Jay blushed.
TOM: Mike, does this sound even remotely like the way human teenagers
talk to each other when they like each other?
MIKE: Not that I recall.
TOM: I didn't think so.
>> "By the way, you said you were
>> going to the Academy in six months. How? After all you have to be 16
>> to be a Cadet."
TOM: Oh, now that's sensible thinking! You have to be 16 to attend
the Academy, but it's perfectly OK to be Grand Admiral and Empress
of Starfleet at 12!
MIKE: Give it a rest, Tom.
>> "Technically, Clara, Alex, and I won't be Cadets," Jay
>> responded. "We are
CROW: [as Jay] ... Superior Beings gracing the Academy with our presence.
>> officers going back for additional training."
>> "When did Alex get his Ensign's rank?" Marrissa asked.
>> "You didn't hear?" Jay remarked. "Star Fleet Diplomatic gave
>> him it after he stepped in at Higanus XXII."
CROW: [as Alexander] <Squish!> Eww! Was that Higanus XXII I just
stepped in?
>> "The Klingon planet in Federation space that had a brief civil
>> war?" Marrissa asked.
MIKE: [as Jay] When Klingons argue over "tastes great/less filling,"
they don't kid around.
>> "Yeah, the Federation sent a mediator with Worf as an advisor,"
>> Jay confirmed. "Alex came along with his father. After a bomb killed
>> the mediator and injured Worf he took over and got them to stop."
MIKE: [as Jay]: Luckily, Worf had brought along some pain sticks that
proved invaluable to the negotiation process....
TOM: Is someone keeping track of all these plot devices? They're all
starting to blur together....
>> "This has to be ironic," Marrissa remarked. "The kid from a
>> warrior race gets his rank by ending a war, while us humans get it by
>> going into battle."
>> "Hey, you knew he wasn't going to get it the way we did," Jay
>> responded.
TOM: [as Jay] I always thought he'd "get it" by being shot in the back
by his own crew.
>> "After all we all got tired of hearing that 'I don't want to
>> be a warrior' refrain."
MIKE: [as Marrissa] Hmph. Such a worthless little creature. Doesn't
he realize that killing is FUN?
CROW: [as Jay, mockingly] I don't wanna be a warrior! I don't wanna
taste my own blood! I don't wanna die in the mud on some alien
planet! Geez, what a baby....
>> "True, and he doesn't have the Engineering talent to follow
>> Clara," Marrissa remarked. "Did you hear that Shayna just got her
>> rank?"
TOM: Hey, Ratliff! Did you hear that nobody besides you *cares*?
CROW: It's less boring than an introduction sequence, but not by much....
>> "How did she manage that?" Jay asked. "She was the one I
>> thought was going to have to go through the Academy."
TOM: Don't try to lie to us like that, Stephen.
MIKE: Ah yes, the low point in any Kid's Crew member's career --- being
forced to go through ... THE ACADEMY!!! The *horror*!
>> "Sorry, you lost that bet. She followed Clara's footsteps,"
>> Marrissa responded. "She seems to be specializing in weaponry and
>> shields.
MIKE: [as Marrissa] And genocidal devices. It was my idea.
>> Her latest is in this month Daystrom Journal. 'Mechanics of
>> Shield Regeneration: A New Approach.' I don't understand a word of it."
TOM: [as Marrissa] So it must not be important.
>> "I told you that Clara and Shayna spend too much time together,"
>> Jay replied.
CROW: [as Jay] Admit I'm right! Admit I'm right!!!
>>
>> Here ends Premier Maquis.
TOM: Here rejoices Tom Servo.
MIKE: Here relaxes Mike Nelson.
CROW: Here vomits Crow T. Robot.
>> Next Stargazer Mission: Stargazer, Past and Present.
>> Next Marrissa Story: Falling Into Command
>> Next Revised Story: A Royal Wedding
TOM: I think he misspelled "reviled"....
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> sratliff@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
[Mike and bots begin to leave theater.]
>>
>> "I won't sacrifice this ship and crew based on a ten-second conversation.
>> I need proof!" - Janeway ST:Voyager "Future's End" part 1.
>>
MIKE: [as Janeway] Preferably 150 proof!
[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]
[SOL control room]
[Gypsy is wearing a judge's wig. Crow is wearing a striped prisoner's
hat. Servo has eyeglasses on his dome and a small briefcase glued to
one hand.]
MIKE: The court of the Satellite of Love is now in session. The case
before the court is the Sentient Beings of the Satellite versus
Crow T. Robot. The honorable judge Gypsy presiding. All rise.
GYPSY: [regally] You may be seated. Bailiff, read the charges.
MIKE: [reading from paper] The defendant, the extremely naughty Crow
T. Robot...
CROW: Objection!
MIKE: ... is accused of not doing his chores yesterday, to wit, not
cleaning out the load pan bay like he was *clearly* ordered to
do. [Mike glares at Crow, then steps off camera.]
GYPSY: Prosecution, state your case.
TOM: [F. Lee Bailey voice] Thank you, your honor. May it please the
court, the case before the court today is an extremely typical
one....
CROW: Hey!
TOM: The facts of this case are not in dispute. The defendant, a
resident of this Satellite, did not clean out the load pan bay
yesterday.
Your honor, this task which society has imposed upon the defendant
is a fairly simple one which takes very little time (especially
for someone with working arms), and contributes greatly to the
safety and welfare of society and its members. In return, the
defendant receives shelter from the elements, his own room, a
steady supply of RAM chips and comic books...
CROW: Objection! Graphic novels!
GYPSY: Sustained.
TOM: *ahem* ...and nearly unlimited access to the internet and satellite
TV. This arrangement of society provides a sound basis for law which
is accepted by sentient beings throughout the galaxy, except for some
of the looniest of the Objectivists.
Moreover, this task was originally imposed upon the defendant
by his Creator, a fact which provides a basis for law universally
recognized by all major religions. We therefore ask this court to
find the defendant guilty as charged. The prosecution rests.
GYPSY: Thank you. Defense, state your case.
CROW: *ahem* ... I didn't feel like doing it.
GYPSY: I hereby rule in favor of the defendant. Case dismissed and
court adjourned.
TOM: [extremely agitated] WHAT!?!!? You've gotta be kidding! This was
an open and shut case! The defendant is obviously incredibly
guilty! It's a travesty of justice! You want the truth? This
whole COURTROOM is out of order!!! If it doesn't fit, don't
acquit!! Give a hoot! Don't pollute!!!
GYPSY: Sorry, Tom, I'm just reading what it says in the script.
CROW: Ha ha ha, I told those coppers they didn't have nothin' on me!
See ya around, counselor!
["Dragnet" closing music starts. Crow moves to center stage, Tom and
Gypsy move off camera. Mike hangs a cardboard sign with numbers on it
around Crow's neck. Spotlight on Crow.]
MAGIC VOICE: The story you have just heard is true. The names have
not been changed because there wouldn't be any point.
Although the defendant was found not guilty, he resolved to
live a better life and always do his chores on time from
now on.
CROW: WHAT?!
MAGIC VOICE: Sorry, Crow. That's what Mike's script says.
CROW: Hey! That wasn't in my script! I never agreed to this!
Get my agent on the phone!
[Final bars of "Dragnet" theme. Normal lighting returns. Everyone
moves back on camera and acts more relaxed, though clearly showing the
strain of surviving the fanfic. Mike removes the sign from Crow, the
glasses from Servo, and the wig from Gypsy.]
MIKE: Well guys, we got through another Ratliff. What is this, eleven
now?
TOM: You know, over the last few years, we've read a lot of fanfics,
and we've seen a lot of authors who technically write as bad,
or worse, than Ratliff.
CROW: Yeah, but today's experiment has taught us once again that
nothing, but *nothing*, can convey a deeply fundamental
sense of Absolute Wrongness, or cause lasting psychological trauma,
like a Ratliff ... except maybe "Night of the Next Generation."
MIKE: That's true. Still, there was one redeeming point in today's
story. One small gleam of sunlight in an otherwise monolithic
opus of pain and despair.
CROW: Cambot, roll the clip!
[Cambot flashes the following text on screen:]
>> "What in the world?" Marrissa exclaimed. Then she too was
>> knocked out.
>> [...]
>> "Someone tried to use your head as an anvil," Doctor Bashir
>> responded.
[Cambot switches back to Mike, Tom, and Crow. They sigh in unison,
and look much more relaxed and happy.]
MIKE: Again please, Cambot?
>> "What in the world?" Marrissa exclaimed. Then she too was
>> knocked out.
>> "Someone tried to use your head as an anvil," Doctor Bashir
>> responded.
[Mike, Tom, and Crow again sigh in unison.]
TOM: And one more time?
>> "What in the world?" Marrissa exclaimed. Then she too was
>> knocked out.
>> "Someone tried to use your head as an anvil," Doctor Bashir
>> responded.
[Again with the unison sighs and smiles.]
MIKE: Feel better, guys?
CROW: Nope.
TOM: Afraid not, Mike.
MIKE: Me neither. Oh, Dr. F. is calling. [taps Mads light]
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: So, you survived another one? Much as it may surprise you, I'm
glad.
[SOL]
ALL: *Really*?
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Oh, don't get me wrong. One of these days I *will* find just the
right combination of movies and usenet posts to utterly crush your
spirits and annihilate your souls. But today, I needed to
calibrate your responses for a new experiment. Now that that's
done, I'm ready to launch ... Phase Two.
[SOL]
TOM: I hope that doesn't mean someone made a pre-quel to "Phase IV."
MIKE: ... a pre-quel to *what*?
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Pay attention, boys, you're about to witness....
[Dr. F. is interrupted as three men suddenly appear in Deep 13 amidst
cheap sparkling special effects. They are dressed in identical Armani
suits and carrying identical doe skin leather briefcases. They also
wear ST:TNG communicators on their lapels.]
LAWYER 1: Dr. Clayton Forrester? We represent Paramount Studios. We
have a cease-and-desist order for all activities relating to
your theme park, a lawsuit for one billion dollars for
copyright and trademark infringement, and a lien on Deep 13
and all of its equipment.
[Lawyer 2 opens his briefcase and hands Dr. F. a sheaf of papers.]
[Dr. F. looks concerned for a moment, then smiles.]
Dr.F: [pleasantly] Friends, please... give me a chance to explain! The
Marrissa-Land project is the result of *much* soul-searching on my
part! I have made it my life-long ambition to spread madness and
evil wherever I can. Surely the creators of Star Trek (tm) would
not blame me for following the dictates of my conscience! Would
they? [an even bigger pleasant smile]
[Lawyers draw weapons which look like ST:TOS gun-type phasers.]
LAWYER 1: I'm sorry, but this is a legal matter and conscience just
doesn't enter into it. Now hand over all materials relating
to Marrissa-Land, and vacate these premises!
Dr.F: [laughs most unpleasantly] You're not the only one with nifty
gadgets, you know. Do you think that your Masters are the
only ones with a legal department? Did you really think my
associates would leave me helpless? [more evil laughter] Now,
watch and learn!
[Dr. F. picks up a large Plexiglas container from behind his console, and
puts it on the floor. The container holds three large rats, a water
bottle, wood chips and a dish of food pellets. He takes the cover off
the container and picks up a cheap-looking wand with a tin-foil-covered
star on the end. He waves it at the rats.]
Dr.F: BIPPITY BOPPITY BOO!
[There is a shower of sparks and a puff of smoke. When the smoke clears,
the container and its contents are gone. In their place are three men
dressed identically to the Paramount lawyers, with identical briefcases.
The difference is that, instead of communicator pins, they have Mickey
Mouse ears on their heads.]
Dr.F: GET 'EM!
[Before any shots can be fired, the three newcomers growl and leap
upon the Paramount lawyers. Massive scuffling ensues. Throughout
the struggle, they variously shout, "COUNTER-SUIT!" "PROMISSORY
ESTOPPEL!" "COMPENSATORY AND PUNITIVE DAMAGES!" "RESTRAINING ORDER!"
"VESTED REMAINDER SUBJECT TO OPEN!" "I'VE GOT YOUR EXHIBIT-A RIGHT
HERE!" "PAROL EVIDENCE RULE, MY HAIRY BUTT!" "IS THAT AN OFFICIALLY
LICENSED MICKEY MOUSE HAT?" Etc.]
[Dr. F. leers into the monitor while trying to avoid getting caught
in the mayhem.]
Dr.F: Well, Nelson, Phase Two will have to wait a few minutes while I
straighten out things down here. Don't get too comfortable!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA --- OOOOOOFFFFF!!
[Two struggling lawyers slam into Forrester from behind, sending him
sprawling over the console, accidentally pushing the button.]
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---o--- Fwshhhhh!
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
[Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and copyrighted by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved. Star Trek in all its incarnations, and its related characters
and situations, are trademarks of and copyrighted by Paramount Studios.
Anything written by Stephen Ratliff not owned by Paramount is copyright
of the extremely sporting Stephen Ratliff. Use of copyrighted and
trademarked material is for non-commercial parody, review, and commentary
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc., Paramount, Inc., or anyone else, is intended
or should be inferred. No disrespect of Disney or Paramount legal and
accounting departments is intended beyond what they have already earned
by their public actions. No lawyers were harmed in the making of this
MiSTing. No, actually, there was one. Co-author David J. Conner,
licensed to practice law in the Commonwealth of Virginia, was horribly
scarred for life due to his reading of an unMiSTed Ratliff for the first
time. But other than him, none. And despite its well-publicized flaws,
the American judicial system is a pretty awesomely good system, on the
whole --- for which we should be thankful a little more often.]
-----------------
>> "I'm glad it makes sense to you, Glinn," Marrissa replied.
>> "It makes very little for me."