💾 Archived View for nanako.mooo.com › gemlog › 2024-08-30-a.gmi captured on 2024-08-31 at 11:57:44. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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I think I'm done with programming.
OK, not entirely. I am *incredibly* proud of Benben and how it's turned out, and I plan to continue making it better and supporting the libraries that go along with it. I also plan to support a few other things that I've made, to a lesser degree.
I'm also done with Doom/Quake mapping. Again, not entirely. I may make the occasional one-off Doom map going forward (or maybe a ROTT map), but they'll be far and few between, and probably all for Doomsday Engine. It's just not where my heart lies anymore.
I've written about all of this (and a few other things) in a new blog post on my Project Blog.
Project Blog: Upcoming Core Changes to My Projects
But that's not what this post is about. I've got personal changes happening as well, and dammit, I need to get my thoughts out about them somewhere.
I recently got a new mental health therapist because my old one left the community center I use and went into a private practice. This bummed me out - I really liked my old therapist. Heck, I've made more progress over the past six months with her than I have in the past six years. But, such is life, I suppose. Thankfully, my new therapist seems to be just as cool as my old one, and I feel I'll make even more progress with her.
It's these past six months that I want to especially focus on. Maybe it's not six months - I can't remember exactly when I started noticing a change - but it's probably close to that. Somehow my anxiety and depression are both getting better to where I'm much more functional in my everyday life. Like yeah, I still have the occasional breakdown where I have to just lay down and rest because the anxiety becomes too much, and I still have super depressed days where I just don't want to do anything, but they're happening **a lot** less frequently. They also don't last as long. Anxiety attacks used to take me out for at least one day, but could easily take me out for two to three days straight. Now they take me out for a few hours, or just for one day for the really bad ones. Again, I have absolutely no idea what started this change. Maybe it was my therapist, who I felt really listened to me and helped me address a lot of my old trauma. Maybe it was finally getting an orchiectomy so I could feel more like myself. Maybe it was a combination. I dunno, but things have changed, and I'm taking it.
This new therapist in particular seems to be set on helping me integrate back into a "normal" life. Of course, "normal" will always be relative. There's no way I'm going back to a 9-5 job, and I'm not going into a job where I can't dress like myself. I'm also definitely, absolutely, positively not going back into a tech job. Programming as a hobby is fine, maintaining my own server with a few websites and a Matrix homeserver is fine, but it's all got to remain a hobby.
"Normal" isn't any of that when it comes to me. So what exactly is "normal" for me anymore? I'm not really sure yet. But whatever I do, I know I want to be myself. I'm tired of hiding myself, and I don't just mean my gender or dressing as a goth. There's so much more to me than those things. There's my religious side, my philosopher side, my academic side, my "fuck the rich, I hang with the workers" side, my potty mouth, my perverted side... all of these are things I've hidden or ignored for one reason or another, to some degree or another. Maybe not so much online, but definitely offline. No more, though. I have to live authentically.
"Normal" has to be solo or almost-solo. Like it has to be something where I'm either my own boss, or I'm in a leadership position with a *very* small team, because I'm not just much of a team-oriented person if I'm honest with myself. Though at the same time, as much as it pains me to admit, I seem to be pretty good at organizing teams and protocols. Of course, it would be even better if whatever I did was a solo effort, or maybe me and one or two other people at most.
"Normal" has to be something where I can at least kind of set my own schedule. I don't need complete freedom, but I also can't do constant mornings. Maybe one or two mornings a month. Or a morning that starts at 11am or noon. I'm a night owl naturally, to the point that forcing myself to constantly get up early ends up being detrimental to my health. This is even more true anymore, what with the fibromyalgia and all.
"Normal" can't be too corporate. I don't want to show up in business casual. Finding my style has taken FAR too long in my life, and I will not sacrifice that any longer. It also simply conflicts with my Marxist ethics.
So I really don't know what I would end up doing. My previous therapist threw out the suggestion of being a Peer Specialist, and I really liked the sound of that. Doing something where I connect with the transgender community would also be kinda cool. Hell, working a retail position at an adult toy shop would be damn awesome if I'm honest. But I'm not sure how to actually go about finding any of these positions, or if there are other positions that may work better for me, or even where to start looking. Plus there's still a problem I haven't mentioned yet: my mom.
For better or worse, my wife and I live with my mom and grandma. Well, for the better... if it wasn't for them, we probably wouldn't have a roof over our heads right now. My mom and grandma both fully accept that I'm a woman now and have been fully supportive of my transition. They also fully accept that I'm a lesbian, and they accept my wife. My mom also kinda sorta accepts that I'm a Wiccan, but it's more of a "just don't bring it up" sort of thing for both of us. So yeah, mostly good on these fronts. But as my old therapist put it, I'm kind of back "at the scene of the crime", so to speak.
A lot of where I learned to hide aspects of myself happened here at home while I was growing up. My mom isn't exactly a prude, but she isn't someone who appreciates cussing, lewd jokes, or pictures of anime girls in swimsuits... all of which are part of who I am. She's basically the reason I've hidden so much of myself, all to keep her happy - or more accurately, to the peace here at home. My grandma is just more of the same, but with a narcissistic personality to boot. Needless to say, it was not easy growing up here, constantly hiding my sexual side, my religious side, my side that enjoys fucking cussing... it was even harder back in the day since I also hid my gender identity, and my interest in goth subculture. But hey, at least those are out in the open now, right?
Anyway, this is basically why I have issues with my identity: I've had to hide major portions of it for most of my life. And although it's to a lesser degree, I still do. There are places where they can come out, like with my friends or online, but most of the time my true self remains hidden. It remains "bad" and something I should hide.
The other day my wife introduced me to the term "unmasking", and explained how it was a hard and painful process, but one that is ultimately healthy and good. That's basically where I'm at. I started to unmask when I came out as a trans woman, and a bit more when I started dressing as a goth, but I've never quite finished the process. So it's time to do just that. It's time to finish my unmasking. This is why, whatever I do as a job, whatever I do to get back to living a "normal" life, it has to be on my terms and it has to be true to the **REAL** me. Because for me, the alternative just means more trauma.
I've been dancing around it, but part of this process of unmasking involves my religious side. Probably to the surprise of many who meet me, I'm actually quite religious - I just tend to keep it to myself. This is probably how it should be in most cases anyway :-P I'm not looking to scream "LOOK AT ME, I'M A WITCH" to every person I meet because that's just stupid, and disrespectful. Wearing a pentacle is one thing, casually mentioning "Oh yeah, I'm a witch" is fine. But there's no need to be a pompous ass about it. I'd much prefer to respect others' beliefs (or non-beliefs), just as I would hope they would respect mine, and only bring them up in appropriate and respectful situations. So that's not my issue here.
My issue is that I've become *isolated* in my religious journey. The only other Wiccan I know is my wife (we converted and did our dedications to the Craft at almost the same time), and she's also the only one I can talk to about religious things. Neither of us have chances to worship like we want while we live here with my mom, either, because my mom is just not comfortable with it (she's Catholic). Like she respects that we're Wiccan, but she's obviously uncomfortable with it.
The thing is, this is only going to become more of a thorn as time goes on. As I've mentioned in my other Gemlog that's hosted here on this same server, I've been having "visions" of a sort. That probably sounds hooey hooey, but whatever. Another way to look at it is that I've been having a religious calling, kinda equivalent to what someone who becomes a Catholic priest may say. It's not the first time I've felt called to the religious life; I had something similar happen back when I first started on my Wiccan journey. But now that I've started down the path of unmasking, the calling is hitting different. It's hitting me harder, with a "don't ignore me this time" feel. It *feels* more important than ever and I need to actually act on it this time.
Maybe I can tie this into my whole "let's get back to having a job" journey. That would honestly be badass, and extremely fulfilling. Maybe I can write a book or something, taking bits out from my Book of Shadows, or talking about my vision experience and how they've shaped my overall philosophy. Or maybe I can start doing tarot readings or similar. Or open a "new age" shop, which we seem to be severely lacking here where I live north of Denver. All of those would be cool as heck to do, and would help with my spiritual isolation.
Or maybe I keep it separate. I have a "day job", but then I focus on my religious journey separately. Perhaps my religious visions will take me down the path of starting my own coven (which CANNOT be a job), where we forge our own Wiccan tradition. That would be extremely fulfilling for me as well, and would help me be less isolated spiritually.
However this unfolds, I think I'm going to have to just bite the bullet and talk about this with my mom. It can't be such a hush-hush topic with us anymore. She has to understand that if we did practice here, we would not be bringing negative energy into the house. We don't summon demons, and we won't attract the devil. We're just trying to be better people. If she's been paying attention, she'll see just how much better of a person I am now than I was 12 years ago because of my religious practices. It's just... not a conversation I'm looking forward to.
Anyway... my new therapist mentioned something about "finding my people", and I think it really is a good overarching theme for what I'm needing. Obviously it is with my religious side, where I'm literally saying I'm isolated spiritually because I don't know any other Wiccans or pagans. But it's also true for all the other sides of me. I need to find those who like to philosophize about things, or those who are into goth stuff. People who are fine with me cussing (I really do cuss IRL much more than I do in text). People who appreciate lewd jokes, and who don't care if I have busty nude anime girls for my phone's wallpapers. People who are cool about porn. People like this _who I can meet IRL_, because I already know these people online.
I need to find my people IRL. I just don't know where to start looking.
I titled this post "Liminal Times, and A Light at The End of The Tunnel" because that's exactly what it feels like. I've been going through changes, and now I'm standing at a threshold between two times in life. Heck, it almost feels like a damn _rubicon_. But I'm also starting to see that this liminality is coming to a close. I can stand and look back at my old life and know where I've been, but I'm also starting to see where I could be going. I just have to start taking the steps.
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