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photos to grandma

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photos to grandma

i do what i love

& share it with others

but then i hate myself even more

i look at myself in photos

& i'm a liar but i've forgotten

was i really happy in this one ?

why has it always been

impossible to fit in

except in photographs

where i can pretend for an instant

so photographs are my rose-colored

stained glass windows where everything

bad about me is boiled away &

all that remains is a smile which is just

a reminder of how happy i actually was

because nobody knows i wasn't

except me but i'll forget in time

everyone has happy youthful years

when they lose their memory on the way

hopefully i'll have something to hold on to

i forgot to love my family enough

while i was focused on hating myself

but i won't hate myself any more for it

because i've reached a peak and it's time

to move on & begin to see

not who i am but who

everyone else can be

i don't need photographs to remind me

who i wasn't

because i can try to be someone else

right now & right here

i'm sorry everyone

for who i've failed to be

but when you remember the past

you'll see who i haven't been

i hope we both can remember me

as i wasn't

i made my friends stay way too long

at open mic night because i only

perform after most people have left

after 4 hours i had finally gone

but when i finally went

i messed up again

just like the last one

my energy was spent

fetal position in bed

i hate myself more

everything all at once

is cluttering my head

i remember it all as it seems to me

from everyone's eyes but

from my own mind and even

when i sleep i have awful dreams

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