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⬅️ Previous capture (2022-04-28)
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4/19/2022
mood: wavering
time: 7:09pm
weather: 52°F rain, partially cloudy
(thank you cinni for the snowglobe creator.)
not too long after my last journal, my precious honey pig stella had to be put to sleep because her condition dealing with bloat worsened. it seemed like she had gotten better, after being seen by a vet & being administered critical care and infant simethicone regularly. her poops were becoming more normal and she was trying to eat! it felt like she was on the mend for four or five days. overnight, she was in a great amount of pain again and this time it seemed like something relating to her teeth. i noticed she had chipped a tooth in the last day. i tried to get an appointment with her vet to no avail and they are the only local doctor that could see guinea pigs. the soonest i could chance coming in was by calling at 7am the next morning for emergency visits. at this point, it was 8 or 9pm and i could see her struggling. she would also seize in pain. i brought her to an emergency 24/7 clinic and they too didn't have a specialist on hand to actually evaluate her, but the attending nurse said that the way she was handling the pain meant that the infection or abcess causing her pain at this point probably made it to her brain. i made the choice to not have her suffer overnight and ultimately pass regardless... i miss her a lot. for the first day or so after, i kept thinking she'd just be in her cage running up to the side where i was to greet me. kept thinking i heard the sound of her munching on hay, etc... we did an at-home burial, and i'm thinking now about making a rainbow bridge portion of my website. i just need a way of dealing with the loss. also, i've decided to not adopt a guinea pig again after her for now and just focus intensely on lucio and chino. taking a break from life so i hadn't been doing anything but i think i'm ready to stop crying every day, all day, now.
i've been getting upset about things that had stopped bothering me for the most part. so i'm still being cautious about my mental state and trying to communicate with the people around me more about exactly whats up so no wires get crossed. sometimes i feel like i'm still letting my mood get the best of me though. working on it... ლ(｡-﹏-｡ ლ)
in the interest of doing nothing, i've just been watching anime with my partner. watching gangsta. now, and started spy x family (which btw is really cute... ah!). somehow watching a lot of bloody anime lately!?
the mabinogi servers merged recently so that's been fun and interesting to participate in and see the population boost a little bit.
throughout this whole experience over the last few weeks, charlie has been extremely supportive and helping me with everything in life. holding it down even though he felt just as awful as i did, and taking care of all the hardest things for me. i don't know where i'd be without him! thinking about doing something special soon that we've never done before. a dinner with reservations and dressing up and going out at night... i don't know when, but we've been talking about it a bit.
today has been productive, chore-wise. i hope to draw again soon. thinking about reading a book called the artist's way. this was a reccomendation by an artist i saw on twt. i googled it briefly and saw something as part of the practices in the book called 'morning pages' and if my assumption is correct, this might be something that gets me back into doing more art regularly again. like, if it's sketching or doing morning art (which is a simple concept i know) or if its specific ideas that the book focuses on, whatever, i felt like it might be helpful to look into it. i need something to help rework how my view of art has become.
haven't really been able to communicate efficiently lately, and feeling even more dumbed-down and brainrotted than usual. but, i don't really care about 'making sense' right now.
