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Will I ever be normal again.

Four Times!!, Four Times!!

In almost four years have I left the property four times. For Mom's funeral,

last day to see grandma after grandpa died, the ER and Blood work. Each

time so heavily medicated I barely remember them. I do not really

remember Mom's funeral. That is a terrible realization of how bad it has

gotten. Fourteen pills a day to only have 8-10 panic attacks a day.

I nearly wet myself every time I hear a siren. If an unknown number

calls me I have a breakdown before answering the phone. If I see a

notification for a voicemail I am gone, reality slips away and I am

in panic mode for the next five to sixteen minutes or so.

I am to scared to open my vanity email because it has been so long

since I last looked at it. What could be in there, who could be traying to

talk to me... who..who..who... and for what reason....I finally used my

college email again, I had to four-thousand unread emails... I had not

checked it in over a year, closer to two. It used to be my main account

If I was not worried about doxxing myself. I am down to one account that

I use on my phone. People that know me know not to call, text me first

and see if we can exchange that way, if it is a good day then by all

means lets call and chat.

This is not what I wanted my kids to see, this, this should not be

the normal for them. I do my best to never let them see me panic. Once

maybe twice a year will it be so bad and so long that I can not hide in the

bathroom, the bedroom, any where, where they can not see. Though if it is

small I do express myself to them that way they can understand mental

illness and that it is a struggle, but I want them all ways seeing that you

can "trooper" through it. Even if it is never cured that steps can be taken

and that it can be controlled most of the time for most people.

I am the sad exception though... I feel I have failed them.