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Whenever I see Simon smiling in the face of Nia’s death, I can’t help but be reminded of the death of my own girlfriend.
I can’t help but feel ashamed of myself for being unable to hold a “brave face” when my girlfriend took her own life. Rather, it broke me so much that I had to send myself to a mental hospital. That’s how much I truly loved her.
I can’t help but feel not only confused, but outraged too.
Smiling in the face of someone dying is like pulling the opposite appropriate emotional response to grief and loss. I can’t help but feel deep in my gut that this emotional reaction feels wrong.
Like it feels emotionally disconnecting, or in other terms, cognitively dissonant, as in their actions don’t match their beliefs, or their facial expression doesn’t match their feelings. Which to me is…it just feels wrong.
I have suffered a lot like Simon; the bullying I’ve endured in high school from emotional, physical, and sexual trauma has landed me with a case of PTSD, and sometimes I get anxiety attacks whenever I feel myself overwhelmed by too many people talking to me at once.
When I compare myself to Simon I can’t help but feel ashamed of myself.
Unlike him I didn’t have any superpowers, friends, or a big brother to look up to. Just me and my iron will to live.
If I were Simon, and I did every single thing right, experienced his journey through and through, I wouldn’t be able to keep a “brave face”; a smile as Nia died.
I would be crushed, I would cry, I would fail to maintain my composure even if I had a week’s advance to cope with it.
Because that’s the kind of person I am, that’s how deeply I feel everything, including loss. And I hate myself for that.
Much like Simon, I too lost three loved ones I held close. First my childhood friend kills himself, then my ex girlfriend offs herself, then my own cousin is murdered by a hit and run. And now my dog has cancer.
Unlike him however I’m not sure how much more I can keep going.
It’s bad enough that my parents, supportive as they are, have a wildly unhealthy relationship with bottling up emotions, something they’ve passed onto me.
They’d grow easily annoyed whenever I cried about something and would more often than not just tell “big men don’t cry”.
But the worst thing they did was when my ex died, they never believed I truly loved her. So while I grieved for her they said, “Did someone cut off your finger? No? Then there’s no reason to cry.”
So I didn’t. I repressed my emotions, my memories, and put on a “brave face”. But deep down I felt emotionally numb.
Only recently have I begun to show my true emotions, my sadness, and…
I want to be as strong as Simon. I really do. But the harder I try the worse it seems to get.
I want to keep my loved ones close to me. I want to be able to hold them dear. I want to be able to keep their memory. And all of this without crying.
But every time I think back to the times I had with her, whenever I keep her memory close I begin to cry.
And I can’t help but feel weak and pathetic to be unable to keep a “brave face” like Simon. It makes me feel unworthy to find a wife and begin a family of my own…
Okay, loads of things to address in this post, but first and foremost. Showing emotions is not weakness, it is not a strength either - it simply is who we are, emotional beings.
Showing, as you call it, an opposite emotion to what you're feeling might not be an accurate description. While I'm not familiar with the reference you mention, someone smiling at the time of someone's death may be due to relief, as a way to comfort the dying, or probably loads of other reasons.
What you seem to be struggling with is a warped emotional view, which is not uncommon at all. I myself grew up with an emotionally distant father, who only expressed anger or a stone face. I basically grew up hearing 'man up' twice daily and the first time my father broke down in tears, I was shocked for a solid hour.
Seeing a therapist might be a good idea. It can help you navigate emotions and might improve quality of life.