💾 Archived View for gemlog.blue › users › AutoMemoriesDoll › 1714240787.gmi captured on 2024-08-25 at 00:50:17. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2024-05-10)
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Often I find it hard to socialize because I have the fear of ruining the vibes or making people uncomfortable. I think this is something I have learned growing up autistic and unable to read the room as well as finding myself in highly neoliberal queer spaces where vibes can often be used to exclude those who try and push back against apathy and pain. I am not someone who needs to be included however I am perfectly capable of being by myself and ironically striving to socialize properly often leads me to being alone even around friends. If they are truly my peers they will allow me to fumble and are perfectly capable adults who will use their autonomy to tell me when I need to reel it back. It is hard not to put on the mask of an Acceptable Person given I have to for work for family sometimes. I can be weird and be annoying and be incomprehensible. because worrying about those things hurts me and hurts those relationships around me. I think this is another insidious way compulsory able-bodiedness finds its way into every facet of life for other autistics. In a funny way making mistakes and going against the grain aids in socializing it adds relationships it keeps them interesting and makes them unique to you. Almost in the same vein as how those who knit by hand keep their mistakes in their works to let the user know it was made by a person because factory knitting is flawless. I can kind of see similarities to today's AIs, sure I can ask an LLM to write about some point I want to get across but it would fit perfectly into the hegemony that is capital. I want my words to be mine. I want others to accept that is how I talk and how I type. This is not to say that using an LLM to communicate is shameful I think it just speaks to priorities. I believe every mistake while also still being understood and accepted to be an act against the world against what should be and opens up the door to the possibilities for what can or could be. It also shows that others are free to make mistakes around me shows that they don't need to be what they have to be but rather what they want to be. This also opens up oneself more freedom to make different mistakes. Eventually, with time and previous experience, a mistake evolves from that into just style or syntax. I am not a mistake. I am me.