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=== real boobs or close enough
i hope this post, which is about my personal experience with myself (less or really not at all about other people) is affirming enough for anyone reading this.
the word "real" certainly has some implied connotations, but i think it can be used in a way that affirms everyone.
this is about my own boobs. if youre braced for some self-congratulatory transmedicalist nonsense, my boobs are made entirely of cloth and thread. if you have implants or grew boobs with hrt, you dont have to believe me when i say im happy for you, but i think thats great too.
when i thought i was a cis male, i can honestly say i didnt "get" or understand implants. they seemed (apologies for this) more of a novelty, something i had trouble appreciating. most of the context of this is regarding cis women of course. and i certainly understood the benefit to women who needed mastectomies or were lacking a breast for some other reason.
my experience as a trans woman has definitely given me new appreciation for implants.
my friend who helped me get this far more than any other person gets hrt, and she grew really beautiful boobs as a result, and im very happy for her indeed. someday, due in some part to her results (mine my vary) i would consider opting for hrt. at this time its not a choice im ready for or interested in, EXCEPT as a future possibility.
but im not going to talk about my boobs and then hate on cis or hrt boobs. and like i said, before this first-hand realisation i found it more difficult to appreciate implants but this also helps me to do that.
the main point however, is just how real a pair of boobs can be when you were not expecting this.
this is not just about boobs for their own sake, at all. im not even entirely sure how it could be, but it isnt. this is about womanhood and femininity, and even the realisation of of a trans identity. im not exaggerating when i say this is a life changing experience. and no-- i was not expecting that.
so often we see the word "trigger" used in a context that is understandably negative. for me, boobs were an event, a trigger for a positive realisation rather than a throwback to a traumatic experience. what they triggered was the realisation that oh yes, im trans but more to the point, a trans woman.
before that i was sure i would be enbie. i could easily point to signs for either, and i know people dont always identify as the same kind of trans person. perhaps i am part enbie yet. cross dressers themselves are legitimate trans people.
but this was the point where i realised, it wasnt cross dressing. of course you can be a cross dresser (if you identify as one) and still have boobs just like mine-- they were not too difficult to make. i used run of the mill t-shirt material and needle and thread.
some women are very flat-chested, and theyre no less women for it. some women are more androgynous and BEAUTIFUL for it. and some can pull off a dangly bit of cloth to cover their chest and look-- simply gorgeous.
i actually tried that first! i was enjoying my lipstick and leggings, but id toyed with the notion of something bra-like-- something simple. before i go throw money at things, i prefer to experiment (when possible) with things i have. im wearing my bra right now and i adore it, but its what i have underneath that bra that makes me adore it so much.
it started with a crop top. funnily enough, the reason i made the crop top was that it was a hot day and i wanted something to catch my sweat, without covering my upper torso. it became somewhat useful for dressing up later, but the tools i had available didnt make it "good enough" for fashion (it could still be upgraded) and the most important thing actually was the spare band of cloth that making it created as a byproduct.
oh that crazy band of cloth! i suppose that without it this might have happened eventually, though i cant be sure i would be writing this at this moment.
its not like i never thought about boobs before. some guy lost a bet with his friends many years ago, and "had to" get and keep implants for a year because he lost the bet. this wouldnt be a very affirming anecdote, except that when he was no longer required to keep them, he decided to anyway! (i cant even confirm this story, but i always found it amusing, interesting and inspirational.) for all i know he identifies as trans now. this story dates way back to when trans wasnt even a thing (it totally was, but it was much farther from any sort of mainstream.)
but my first instinct (later, anyway-- the band of cloth had been draped over something and i retrieved it when i got this idea) was to try to make a sort of "top" out of the cloth. i put it on like a shirt, but it covered too much and was too loose. i folded it so it had two layers, but was half the width. this also solved the issue of not being cut perfectly evenly. i wanted to try it with a single layer to show off my natural shape too, but i wasnt content with the result (and not only because of my actual shape.) folding it gave me the closest approximation to what i thought i was looking for.
as for how loose it was, i knew i could get it tighter at least momentarily by twisting it at the back and tucking the twist under itself. its like when you wear a towel after getting out of the shower (both men wearing it along the waist and women who wear it from the chest down have their own variations of this) except the tuck was at the back.
"okay, heres my cute skimpy top-- whatdya think?"
i didnt think i was one of the waifish models who could pull off a skimpy top without something to push it out, and indeed one of the reasons larger bust sizes are helpful is they balance out a larger frame. mine is honestly sort of medium.
if i could have gotten away with the top without boobs, i would have gone for it. from my perspective, boobs were not a thing i could have yet. i think breastforms are awesome, but right now theyre out of reach. also, what size? id rather go to a shop and try on than order by mail, even with a nice return policy. but it isnt like this for everyone.
at this point its still more about the top than boobs per se.
using what i have, i have socks! oh its the old cliche, but again-- im just trying to make the top work if its possible. lets try... aww... okay. thats cute, its sweet. time for another pair already. two pairs and-- hmm, not the worst thing!
there are many ways you can ball up socks but i was keeping them folded once or twice. ive heard about (okay, ive also felt) the results of using yarn, but i didnt have any yarn or i might have tried that as a sock filler. to be honest im glad i didnt have that on hand at first-- though id still be interested in trying it. im a f***ing scientist about this, my lab has a mirror in it. and a shower.
still trying to make the top nice, and barely up to an a-cup if that, i try out of all things-- a cup. youre forgiven if you picture boobs on a girl robot costume, but these were neither conical or cylindrical, they were indeed boob-shaped. not gonna lie, i was as surprised as you might be.
i took two plastic coffee cup lids, i didnt even bother washing them (they werent filthy, but they absolutely had traces of dried latte foam on the inside) and stuck them under the socks. i expected this to be really uncomfortable, and if i were on hrt they would probably be unbearable (as it can make the girls really sensitive!) but the admittedly "sharp" plastic edges on these lids just werent pressing into my skin much-- and they were absolutely fine.
this is probably not typical and i dont actually recommend coffee lids whatsoever. aesthetics aside, id be worried about bruises or cuts or some health risk. besides, if anything knocks into your boob, i dont personally think it should make a soft "thunk" noise. but you do you.
more to the point though, they actually looked good and didnt feel like torture to wear. i wouldnt sleep in them, even if i lost a bet, but here they were-- boobs! it was becoming more about the boobs than the top now. the top certainly played a leading role in this too, but we can make the obvious joke about a "supporting" role.
i put my nicest t-shirt (soft, comfortable, relatively fitting) on over this and oh wow, i mean i was sort of cute in lipstick but this-- i look like a cute GIRL for a moment at least. im very surprised by this. im still referring to ALL OF THIS jokingly as "completely normal cis behaviour," but it hasnt completely dawned yet. the egg is cracked.
soon i was looking for better boobs-- increasing the size was a small interest (wait... yes, a small interest) but i definitely wanted something more humane than the first prototype model. i had a new pair of socks and managed to incorporate those (balled up slightly, sort of tucking them into themselves, but i still go for folding as much as balling the socks in some ways, i think only a picture would help clarify) and i was happy.
then came the moment (could even be the next day) when i misplaced one of my boobs. it was on the counter and its probably under a bag or something. i took this opportunity to try, just for fun, some long sleeves i cut off yet another t-shirt. i apologise to any t-shirts that may be reading this, who would probably consider my place a house of horrors.
oh, these are nicer than socks. very soft, just perfect really. now i want a bra, theres no rush, but i have an idea how to hold out until then-- to make this tedious boob affair less tedious.
also by this time ive cut the cloth band into a strip, so that i can tie it in the back like im freaking raquel welch or on gilligans island or something. and i want to fix this, just so that if i put a shirt on over this it doesnt have a knot in the back.
i decide to sew the strip back into a band, but this time one that fits. while im at it, i decided to trade flexibility and customisation for convenience and sew the boobs made from long t-shirt sleeves directly into the band.
et voila! "boobs" you can put on and take off like a tshirt! of course theyre harder to wash like this too-- i mean i could probably throw them in the machine, though this is where i mention that this was only meant as a holdover until i get a bra very soon.
the egg is strutting around in a two-piece shell bikini. i may be more than a fellow experimenting with lipstick and sheer tops now, but an actual trans person. its not the clothes, its the various realisations that are happening around this time.
but also its the boobs. they say that lesbians who use certain... other... prostheses... they sometimes feel like its actually their own, like its a part of them. i jokingly refer to the the scene in waynes world where garth says this about underwear, but im not only joking about this.
and its totally a thing now, with the boobs. they dont feel like a piece of clothing i just put on and take off-- despite my own (quite deliberate) design with exactly that intent. they dont feel like costume boobs or a boob costume. surprisingly, they feel like part of me.
okay, so this is different. and there definitely were other factors, but they largely came about because of the things i figured out as i was putting boobs on-- i mean filling out a top-- i mean, apparently, putting boobs on.
that was the real turning point, which led to me coming out (within days really) just to my closest friends and lover. im not an out lesbian, but obviously if youre reading this, you know what my closest friends know about this.
i dont blame you if you have hrt and think on some level, your boobs are more real than mine. i wasnt expecting "real" boobs at all. what i can tell you is that you can make very "real" or if you prefer, real-- boobs out of cloth and thread. this by itself is an amazing realisation.
one of the more amusing and deliciously surreal moments was when i went to take a nap with the boobs on, and reached around (for extra girl powers) to undo the knot in the top with one hand. oh yeah, i can do that stuff on other peoples bras, it was time to try that with my own! but i was already cuddling the pillow when instead of coming off, my boobs simply got looser without the bra. they stayed closer to my chest, without so much tension. ahhh, so THATS what its like! and it truly felt amazing.
now i have a "real" bra, mostly like a sports bra, and because my boobs are cloth they have a certain weight (and flop just a bit, which i like) but i put the boobs on and then wear the bra over them (obviously.)
when i sleep, the boobs are loose and i dont have the bra on. my boobs were a bra of course, in the sense that a strip of cloth can be used as a bra. or a top.
when i bathe, i take them off. when i go out, i take them off.
this is not terrible, but i notice that when theyre not on, theres a sort of "pull" between my chest and my boobs, a very distinct and detectable and instantaneous longing to have the girls back again. my chest is meant to have boobs on it, for sure.
this is not female impersonation, it is not even boob impersonation. this is a decidedly female experience. if you can have this experience as a man or anyone else, i wouldnt take that from you. maybe the world would be a better place if everyone had boobs, but my first close trans friend was ftm and he HATED having them, so you shouldnt have to have boobs unless you want them, of course.
but for me, it was a primary factor in me realising that i was never a cis male dressing up as a girl, but a girl who dressed up as a cis male because thats what everyone (myself included) expected me to be.
i honestly thought it would just be a bit of fun in the mirror or something. i wasnt expecting it to change my life or my gender identity. with that said of course, if id thought it was possible to "change" my gender as easily as strapping a few socks to my chest-- i would have done it, yes! i simply wasnt expecting that as an outcome.
i make a great deal of light of all this, and honestly it probably helps a lot that i have a sense of humour about it. im not making light of YOUR experience though. part of the reason i have this sense of humour is ive survived some real shit. i used to think james taylor was the most glib, obnoxious, sappy f***er alive, until i learned more about him. now i appreciate him and his music in a way that would have been impossible without knowing that.
but no matter how many jokes i make or how much i smile about it now, this was a profound thing that happened. its a huge deal. its definitely enjoyable, but its also deeply and emotionally fulfilling. dont let a cute joke fool you.
and dont assume boobs are fake, just because theyre not "made" in the most conventional way. they may not match other boobs in a 1:1 fashion but thats the thing about boobs, is they vary wildly. different colours, shapes, sizes, firmness, and apparently, different materials. i mean if you go out and buy a leg to replace one you lost, its a leg-- it does what a leg does, it has leg features, its even called a leg.
what im trying to tell you is, you can definitely get boobs. you might find youre surprised how real they feel to you. i wont be surprised if someday i get hrt, maybe ill grow some boobs then. the added sensitivity might even enhance the ones i have now. either way, im sure to make new ones, as i didnt design these for long term use.
but i learned a lot about how to make boobs-- and what its like to have them. as for halloween, i mean-- ive done that sort of thing before. i know what its like to be stared at, at least on occasion. and ive heard that uh, "whats wrong with him?" and thats never great.
i strongly believe that being a woman should be more than just work and acceptance and all of the difficult things about being a woman, or trans. it ought to be fun, too. so far, this is the most fun ive had-- im not complaining. its freaking amazing. i dont want to sound like a trans kanye here, people who have had to be a woman all their lives, while i passed as someone (it turns out) i never truly was-- im not trying to make anything out to be easy.
you can absolutely long to be something thats less easy, and you can find it deeply fulfilling to take that first step-- cherish it if you can. its yours.
this work can be freely reused: (cc by 4.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
<3 zara