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9/17/23
pulling across the floor laughter and giggles
a mustache and denim shirt
a black shirt and new balances
a father and hero uncle
giver of giggles
a broken bag of plastic
breastmilk drip drip dripping on the corduroy
on the office chair
on the desk
frustration in an empty building
running down the hall
unclasped bra and hoping no one sees
exasperated meeting
don’t let them see
fall is falling upon us quickly
not ready to give up summer
not ready to say goodbye to the season
of my baby
my baby’s season
the first full day of summer
when my baby came into the world
i am not ready for her new season
the clothes are so small
her feet are so big
her hair
the swirl is getting thicker
her eyelashes longer
the bubbles on her lips bigger
the sewing machine marches on
in my mind
i have yet to sit at it again
but my mind has been on it
the marching stitches
my foot on the peddle
my hands guiding the cloth forward
then back
to reverse the stitch
to hold this day tight
so that time doesn’t unravel
she can kick the bassinet
the end of it
she is stretching and wiggling
she is turning and skooching
and pressing her face against the side
and licking the mesh
with her nose pressed against it
like a little clown
a lizard licking
tasting the air
and everything around it
can she smell with her tongue?
wrapped in a towel on the bathroom floor
pictures on pictures
an accident
whoops
waited too long
diaper in hand
almost made it
it will be a funny story someday
it will be a funny story someday
it will be a funny story someday
it will be a funny story someday
it will be a funny story someday
i think it’s kind of funny now
record it all
record everything
keep everyone in mind
record it for them
so they can participate in her life
in my life
in whose life
whose life is it
the opposite of shame is connection
the opposite of living in the moment is recording
there is shame when there’s no recording
where’s the record
show me that you’re living
show me that you’re a good mother
show me that you have a work life balance
show me your promotion
show me that you still have fun
show me that you’re still in love
show me that you still have sex
show me that you’re not fat
show me your cute baby
show me that you’re living
that you’re living
that you’re living
that you’re participating in this life
feel guilt for not writing
feel guilt for not taking more pictures
feel guilt for taking too many pictures
feel guilt for being on your phone
feel guilt for not texting them back for not answering the phone
feel guilt for not calling
feel guilt for not sending pictures
feel guilt for not reading
feel guilt for reading on your phone
feel guilt for not going to the library
feel guilt for not reading the books on your shelves
feel guilt for not holding the baby
feel guilt for making the baby cry when you pick her up
feel guilt for holding the baby too much
feel guilt for not rocking the baby
feel guilt for passing off the baby
feel guilt for not entertaining the baby
feel guilt for not looking at the baby
feel guilt for looking at the phone and not the baby
feel guilt for looking at the baby through the lens of a camera
feel guilt that the baby has to look at the phone for every picture
feel guilt for not using the play gym in days
feel guilt for not exercising more often
feel guilt for not texting that mom yet
feel guilt for not asking the car salesman about his daughter
feel guilt for not talking to the old lady who wanted to talk to you about her daughters
feel guilt for lying
feel guilt for asking them to be there
feel guilt for correcting the baby’s name
feel guilt for not using the diaper pad
feel guilt for not eating right
feel guilt for the glass of wine
feel guilt for putting off writing the adventuring
why do you start things anyway?
i deserve it
i deserve to start things
i deserve to not finish them
i deserve to feel guilt for not finishing them
you’re exhausting
why do you feel so much guilt
you’re exhausting
you’re so annoying
just don’t do that
talk kinder to yourself
no thank you
i know what’s right for me
i deserve the shame
i deserve the connection
i deserve them both
shame is the opposite of connection
they are like light and dark
you can’t have one without the other
i don’t think
is there such a thing?
as total light or total darkness?
is there such a thing?
i don’t think there’s such a thing
as total shame
i don’t think there’s such a thing
as total connection
but maybe i can be proven wrong someday
but i don’t think so
i have done too many shameful things
even if they are minuscule
even if they are nothing
compared to what shameful things
others have done
but they are my shameful things
it is my shame
i can’t undo them
i think i am happier than i am letting on
why do i let things get so dark so quickly
there’s no such thing as total darkness
i promise i have light too
i need to start the sleep timer
i need to start writing more light
my brain is good at remembering the bad
this started so happy
happy moments
in flashes
a coo and a chuckle
towels wrapped around her hands
big smiles
big smiles!
wide eyes
wet eyelashes
so cute
must record them
to share them
to make connection
what’s wrong with connection?
it brings you out of the moment
what’s wrong with connection?
it requires disconnection in the moment
leave her be
enjoy the moment
too many pictures
and you end up with shit on the towel
it’ll be a funny story someday
it’ll be a funny story someday
it’ll be a funny story someday
when i forget about my guilt