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I'm back with my recaps for Bachelor in Paradise. This is going to be a long season, so instead of writing essays for every episode, I'll publish notes I took while watching the episode.
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Paradise, the best bachelor.
Love a casual Jesse, Rocking the tight khakis.
The Cast:
- Hunter: She's got IBS I guess?
- Johnny: He's. Fucking. Rapping.
- Serene: She's a teacher. Really wants Brandon.
- Brandon: Brandon crying compilation followed by a Brandon workout hype video.
- Dr. Kira: told us to "take two of these", and flashed her tits. Cool.
- Jacob: Hates Clothes. Loves describing women's bodies.
- Genevieve: Has 200 swimsuits. Wants Justin.
- Shanae: I predict she's gonna be the chaos agent. Also wants Justin.
- Justin: Ready to be another meme.
- Jill: Has a cat, looking for her cat daddy.
- Michael A: Has a son and thick-ass beard.
- Andrew: Buff. Tall.
- Teddi: Is a virgin.
- Casey: "Geriatric Millenial"
- Brittany: ?????
- Sierra: Definitely ready to party.
- Hailey: ?????
- Lace: Was on Paradise Season 3. We're currently on Season 8. Doesn't know anyone there.
- Logan: I hate Logan.
- Romeo: YES! I love Romeo.
This season is gonna be "modesty" black-box central.
Every time Genevieve appears the Italian mandolin soundtrack breaks out.
Johnny looks like he was born to be on this show. Like, he was on Rachel and Gabby's season so he could be on Paradise
And now he's talking about himself in the third person. Of Course.
And here's Jacob, wearing just a leaf.
All the women hate Shanae because of her antics on Clayton's season
Genevieve's misguided hope that the men would take into account how she acted during Clayton's season, but alas, they only noticed her green eyes and how they matched her swimsuit. Men *eyeroll*.
Justin's never heard of a narwhal. Yes Justin, they _are_ like unicorns of the sea.
And Josh and Shanae are already making out.
- Kiss Counter: 1
And here's the man of the hour, Brandon.
Immediately beelines to Serene and pulls her to the side. These two cuties are absolutely smitten y'all.
They're almost too awkward with each other. Until, of course, they make out 5 minutes after meeting each other.
- Kiss Counter: 2
Turns out Romeo was living his best life after his season, canoodling with other Bachelor contestants.
- He's got history with Jill. Very interesting.
- He's got history with Kira too. Wowza.
Paradise is finally kicking off as the alcohol flows.
Jesse is up to his usual hyperbolic speeches, upping the ante with the "finding love" part of Paradise and not the "let's all get hammered and fuck around" part.
Logan being so excited to give a rose has me hating him even more. I don't like giving Logan any power whatsoever. I just really don't like that guy.
Is Justin a himbo? I think he's a himbo.
Date Card: Andrew and Teddi
- Andrew is hella awkward and I love it.
- Teddi's doing a great job carrying this date.
- They get into a giant margarita, not a fan at all.
- I'm into these two.
Justin and Genevieve kiss. 'Erbody kissing tonight.
- Kiss Counter: 3
Johnny and Shanae kiss.
- Kiss Counter: 4
Through all the alcohol and fun, we have Lace hiding in her room declaring she's "over it". She says this season is the most boring ever and that she has no connection with anyone.
But after deriding all the guys, all the girls, and even the show itself, she's says "fuck it" and decides to be "fake as fuck"
She tells everyone it's her birthday and uses that to snag Logan.
- Could she have pulled him without the birthday? Probably. Is she a delusional mess? Absolutely.
- Also, she's 32 and she's acting like she's too old for everyone there. Then why you here baby???
LOGAN CALLED HER LOOSE!!!!!!
Two things: First, flirting with someone and dropping what you think is their name but isn't not once, but three times, is pure reality TV gold. Secondly, Logan deserved to have that happen to him. Still hate him.
Romeo is desperate to separate himself from Kira in an attempt to rekindle things with Jill. Jill and Romeo kiss, so things are good now, right? RIGHT?
- Kiss Counter: 5
Romeo is struggling hard with dealing with these two women at one time.
Jill and Kira have a talk.
- Kira having an issue with Jill avoiding her when every time Jill and Romeo are together she barges in is weird.
- Kira is living in bizarro world, truly.
- Romeo pulling out the word crucible on Paradise is *chef's kiss*.
- Jill having a full breakdown is also way too extreme. - These women are on totally different pages talking about totally different things. Throw in copious amounts of alcohol and you're in for a disaster.
Cut to the next day and there's a new cast member:
- Victoria: Here for Justin. That makes 3.
This season's gonna be a wild mess and I'm here for it.