💾 Archived View for deezdaydreams.com › diary › 08-20-2024.gmi captured on 2024-08-24 at 23:39:48. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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While visiting with a friend of mine I spoke to him about my secret wish that people in my life would say "It is okay, you can leave." This is referencing people saying that I am free to die, and they wouldn't hold anything against me. This desire is flawed, because this wish is essentially asking that I want people to stop caring about me. This is not what I wish to happen, and after vocalizing this it made me realize how foolish it sounds. Even if I am passively suicidal, I think that this desire isn't what I want because I enjoy my life and there is so much more to do.
I've also had a moment the other day about putting forth effort that is because I feel like if no one else does it, it will never get done or putting effort into relationships that don't go down the two way street. I am actually creating a list of what I want out of life, and those who put forth the effort to reach out. I think that while this can be seen as a really selfish thing to do, there is a difference here when it comes to different folks in my life and I think that I'm going to slowly start drifting away from folks who are not putting forth that effort, and there is a lot of me that is saying "Delete your social medias, do you really need those?" And honestly? I don't think I do. A lot of the time I get on there to see how people are doing, and there is this selfish part of me that looks at some of the stuff, (For example, someone got married) and I ask myself: "Why wasn't I invited?" When I reflect on that question, two things come to mind: First, I am not that important in everyone's lives. Second, I should be happy that they are happy, because that is more important to me than not being invited. These people are people I care about, and seeing them happy gives me joy.
I have undertaken a project to attempt to re-paint a book case, and the shelves I have taken off of it to paint are much too large, and as such caused the areas I've already painted to scratch, and remove paint. I want to get new shelves, but my wife has insisted that we don't need to do that, and as a result I feel like I am just going to do what I want since this bookshelf is for my use. My mind at one point while frustrated with the size of the shelves lead to me thinking "I don't need to listen to my wife on this because the last time I did it was not going to the emergency room when I clearly had a concussion." This is very petty, but it showed me that under the surface that I have some resentment, and that is something I need to introspect on. These feelings can be part of a series of things as our marriage goes on that could result in our marriage going down the path of eventual divorce. This makes me feel like I am a bad person, but I also understand it comes from feeling like my trust was misplaced as if the head injury I sustained was severe there would be worse things to deal with than what I was (and still am) dealing with.
I've started reading Crime and Punishment as I've never read it before. I will give a review on it when I get to the end of it, and I'll most likely have a section this dedicated to book reviews, and I'm kind of excited that I control all of this, this is my blog, so I am going to do what I wish.
Until next time.