💾 Archived View for deezdaydreams.com › diary › 08-17-2024.gmi captured on 2024-08-24 at 23:39:45. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I woke up this morning feeling almost apathetic. After waking up I started scrolling through Facebook, looking at the vacation pictures that my wife and mother posted on their "Girls Weekend". I'll admit, being the only one in the house has been a nice change of pace, and I am enjoying my solitude a lot. The problem with being that person came when I went to bed, as I missing my wife's presence.
While scrolling I found a temu add for a little computer monitor that looked really cool and I kinda wanted to buy it, just not from Temu. I looked it up and I can get it from AliExpress for much cheaper, and it's directly from the manufacturer. I've been having to stop myself from doing something like that because of recent events. I've been recovering from a concussion I sustained on my own vacation.
I've been out of work for three weeks, and two of those might be unpaid.
The stress of this has lead to my eczema breaking out on my face, shoulders, and inside of my elbows. It has lead to me being on the precepice of having a manic episode, the ending of which I don't foresee being good for anyone, and every morning I wake up I feel like I'm a failure. I understand it isn't my fault, and I understand that the brain healing takes time, but being the breadwinner in my house? Being the person who my wife is supposed to rely on? It's getting to me more and more.
While in the shower this morning, I started singing songs that originated from places of depression, or even someone taking their own life. I know I'm passively suicidal, and I'm scared by that. I'm doing better in life than my parents were at my age, and this one set back is probably just bringing it up more because I feel useless.
I'm planning on working on a functional morning routine to help me get into the zone for work since I was cleared to go back on Monday. I will also be taking my two fifteen minute breaks, and my full half hour lunch each day rather than skipping them for the sake of going home early. I'd rather have consistent breaks I can look forward to rather than trying to put my brain in full blast as I get back to work.
My best friend and I are starting to make a videogame. He is more artsy than I am, he's rather talented when it comes to drawing, music, etc. and I'm working on the programming side of things. I wish that I could do what he does. I'm going to start practicing pixel art a few times a week, and hopefully it will bring me some joy. I loved drawing and art class when I was younger. I just kinda stopped when I moved to my new highschool sophmore year, and I don't know why.
Until next time.