💾 Archived View for remblanc.cities.yesterweb.org › 280.gmi captured on 2024-08-24 at 23:15:43. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
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so here's for an idea unique to this place: i am making statuses all over again, in a less visible place, with stricter rules that put things firmly into the twitter-level rulebook: no more than 280 characters per paragraph. what could possibly go wrong?
i was on vacation for a week, and the travel time screwed up my sleep schedule again. these past few days i slept really badly, so i feel like i've been asleep at the wheel all day. i tried to remedy that by caffeinating a bit, but i don't feel too well after taking that.
because of the trip, i, unfortunately, failed to keep up with my daily meditation intents, and both the journaling and writing dropped off in my mind a bit for the same reasons.
on the flipside, i got back into productivity mode and even ticked off a bunch of items yesterday, so i am def not stagnating rn. also got a bit of energy to go back to programming and start dabbling in graphic design. i am currently planning something that can def use that.
i decided to gather up my courage and follow the intentions i have set for myself.
i started meditating, and i want to commit to it daily, for one month. it's something i know helps me gather my thoughts together, yet i kind of failed to try because i felt a bit too tense, being bothered with my life being on autopilot lately.
today's session felt good, as it usually does. the ten minutes go by, and by the end i let go and achieve the calm state. it feels right to the point that i don't even feel like letting go of the meditative state. maybe one day i try meditating for the whole hour.
this thought gathering helped me assemble myself and go back to my productivity routine that worked well for me thus far. i selected three tasks and will be working on them until i get them done. [or rather, spend a set amount of time based on their importance]
sidenote, i decided to stop numbering each paragraph i write here. at first i conceptualized this project as sort of "mindful twitter threads", but i felt like i had a bit too much pressure with that concept to bunch up things into single paragraphs. feels freer without that.
i don't know where i should be. i don't know what i want. i don't know how to get by. i don't know what to commit towards. i don't know what things i've learned i can meaningfully apply, and i don't know what are the gaps that i need to fill.
i don't know who i am at this point. i don't know how i can stop being a disappointment to my parents. i don't know how to tend to my partner when it's tough, and i don't know how i can take care of her in return
i don't know how to dislodge myself from this shitty predicament. i don't know who i am and what my calling is anymore. i don't even know why i feel this way in the first place.
i am plenty unfocused today. had to do some mundane stuff all across the city, and wanted to top it off with working on the blog writing, but that didn't really work out, as i got kind of distracted by some bad politics-related stuff.
the politics-related stuff is what caused me to leave twitter a while ago, and now that i am more conscious of certain impulses of mine, i subsconsciously called myself out when relapsing on that and truly realized that politics twitter was a really toxic environment for me.
this bad politics stuff caused me to throw out an hour of my life to comprehensively try to prove something to someone else, and it just doesn't feel satisfactory to me, even though i technically did the right thing.
trying to stand your ground in online politics is throwing a lot of effort for minimal-to-no results. everyone is in echo chambers, even those i usually agree with. too many ppl are close-minded and i feel like i cant trust the close-minded esp if my life depended on it.
this dissatisfactory political interaction caused me to lose track of whatever stuff i specifically wanted to do. so all i did was just hanging out with a bunch of ppl and playing some project diva.
writing this roughly at 8pm local time. don't caffeinate in the evening. especially don't caffeinate with something that is high in caffeine. i've been in a terrible state to do anything today because of that, and i feel like absolute shit.
i think i am also having issues with caffeine now, because i feel rather sleepy in the evening without it. truly a wack state to be in.
i still failed at finishing all the tasks by 7pm, but i got all the priority tasks done, and most tasks done in general. there is one task i am having an issue with due to it being a huge source of stress, but i've done my larger-than-usual plan and i'm proud of it.
i still have sleep issues so i am gonna be just chilling and perhaps writing for the main site.
i have decided to set hard time limit for my productivity workflow. anything i have in my productive plans is to be finished until 7pm and no later, that is pretty much my set plan for today at least.
setting such a hard limit should make me a bit more mindful of time i have at hand and make me plan more things in advance. let's see how this goes, will write back this evening.
i announced on my website that i would be taking a break from working on the site to fix my life issues. in actuality, for this coming weekend i also decided to halt all my tasks that i generally treat as work, regardless of their importance.
my current plans for resting involve bingewatching the entire catalog of James Bond movies, or Bondiana, as we call it here. starting from Sean Connery and ending with Daniel Craig. it's a bit of a spontaneous idea but I am kind of excited about tackling it.
kinda wanna talk to my grandmother about it too, as she was interested in watching those movies herself. cannot see her right now, and i really miss her, but i can't bring myself to come up with things to talk about with her. that could be a conversation starter.
i have an idea of expanding my profile section with additional things, particularly a log of all my productivity system attempts i'm currently working on.
i want to share my workflows with others, partly to think them through and discuss them with people, partly cos i also want to inspire those in a similar situation to mine to keep iterating and trying to fix things in their lives too.
i keep making these systems to motivate myself, and while all of them have issues, and many of them fail on me, they still help me by simply being there, and the experience i get jumping around between them is surprisingly transferable between them.
i first need to determine the paths i want to take with my site and also figure out how to capture my ideas so they don't simply get lost in my head.
gonna note these three points down so i don't forget: bento, spinning wheel, tiers of importance.
i am thinking of resuming meditation attempts. i know it can help me, but discipline has not been my particular strength with it (shouldn't be surprising to anyone lol).
two notably related things happened within these 24 hours that loosely fit within a single topic: delaying things. primarily tasks and various creative pursuits.
the first thing that happened was an unexpected finding. i accidentally unearthed a backup copy of the script for a youtube video i planned to finish way back in late 2016. i was quite overjoyed to find it as it brought back the memories of me trying to make it on yt back then.
the video was meant to be a movie review, and i was *really* getting that inspiration from the english-language reviewers i enjoyed back then. there are traces of nostalgia critic, yourmoviesucks and i hate everything all over the script, and that itself was a whiplash to me.
now, the way it ties up into the theme of delays is that right in its first paragraph i made a joke about how that very review was delayed ever since june of that same year i came up with the idea for it, and that it was just the way i'd function and the way things would go.
the irony of such statement is not lost on me, and it is kind of amusing how i was poking fun at my lack of composure even back then, but now that i think about it, this issue plagued me for more than eight years now. jesus.
another thing that happened is mom asking me for help with rewriting certain pages for her that she had in an image format. at first she just gave me two pages, so i though "no big deal, i'll do that". then when i accepted it she bombarded me with *twenty-five more pages.*
that fucking sucked and it ruined my entire day, and worst of all, i could not even finish the first two pages because of that. i tried to escape the copious amounts of stress that gave me by watching youtube, and a little break turned into three wasted hours of my life.
i wanted to look for a job today, even wanting to go to a specific location that supposedly accepted the applicants. that plan was foiled by this shit, and i feel lifeless and unwilling to do anything again. fuck this so fucking much.
i am a bit bored, but i am also rather overexcited by the opportunity of doing something new, so i can't quite shake off the idea of committing to this page, even though my plans are meant to be more of a gradual commitment instead.
anyway, i largely determined from my experimentation that i want to try this twitter thread-esque writing style as a commitment. i want to make one of these daily, on an arbitrary topic. just come up with something fast and send it. try it for one month, see how it goes.
i'm feeling a bit pressured by the formats i already have for my writings, and i still want to write, yap about things, such and such, without much commitment and hopefully no unnecessary judgements attached. this is going to be my final gempost for today, i need to unwind.
it's too hot! and too humid! feeling like i'm gonna boil ngl
i realized i didn't tag my previous post for any mental health stuff like i generally try to do, so i amended that. maybe i do want an outlet specifically for airing that out, though.
for some reason it feels weird for me to write a diary that only i can read. i want to be heard in some way. i want things to be there to at least know someone can hear about my problems.
in a sense it means diaries for things such as mental health don't really work for me conceptually, cause while i do want to be heard, i cant share too much out of fear of being judged as well as risk of a wrong person reading the notes and potentially using them against me.
it's in these circumstances i realize how great therapy would be for me. i cant afford it in absence of any stable income, so i'm kind stuck in an uphill battle atm. all i can do is reassure that i have clarity and a general path forward. if i got that, i can move rocks.
[contains discussions of mental health issues]
today was kind of a wack day. i started with a plan for doing certain things, and then i got distracted, fell into a depressive episode, and laid down on a couch, pretty much to watch youtube on a tv and not do anything particularly interesting.
the depressive episode in question was quite terrible, mentally paralyzing to me. this time, however, it also came with a revelation that i was quite satisfied with the productivity system i had in place. outside of the episode itself, i felt fulfilled with the work i put in.
i could no longer direct my depressive thoughts towards frustrations regarding my work ethic, because despite being spotty, it was actually finally there for me.
this means that to solve my issues with depression, i really need to optimize elsewhere.