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2015-05-29 08:31:51
Anna Ranieri
May 26, 2015
Years ago, I worked in a consulting firm that specialized in executive coaching, change management, and outplacement counseling. My colleagues and I regularly helped others deal with the loss and grief they experienced when a job, a particular role, or an entire organization ended. We were good at it and our executive director encouraged us to always give our clients our best efforts to support them through these rocky times. He was a top-notch boss he supplied all the resources we needed and removed any roadblocks that stood in the way of effectively helping others acknowledge their grief and move forward.
Then the tables were turned when our esteemed boss was diagnosed with a terminal illness. The other members of his team and I then needed to acknowledge our own sadness and to prepare for the loss of our dear colleague. We were fortunate in several ways. One, we were able to appreciate our leader and to express our gratitude to him when he was still alive, while preparing, as did his family and many friends, to say goodbye. We were also trained professional counselors: busy helping our clients each day, we knew that we could gain from sharing our own sadness with co-workers who listened to, and sought to understand, each other s feelings and concerns.
That didn t mean that the process was easy or that we would all agree on how it should go. Turning our daily practice of shepherding others through the mourning process onto ourselves meant that we had to admit to our own vulnerability and feelings. Always ready to aid our clients in airing their feelings of the sadness, frustration, and anger that can come with the finality of loss, we now had to put our own emotions out for others to acknowledge and observe. We also had to express and negotiate how we wanted to grieve, separately and together. One member of our team, for example, wanted very much to start that process as soon as possible; another said that she wanted to mourn when she was ready to mourn, but not prematurely. This was a new set of concerns for us, and we had to navigate it slowly, consciously, and with a new type of respect for our co-workers one that we hadn t considered when we were discussing a business problem.
I was thinking of our process when I read about the recent passing of Dave Goldberg, the well-loved CEO of SurveyMonkey. His team confronted a sudden and unexpected loss: for them, the grieving process began right away. What would those of us who have been professional grief counselors say to his team or any team who loses an important member?
First, it s important to recognize that this type of grieving will require a level of sharing that is not common in the workplace. Most everyone will experience personal grief and loss during their career, but usually we mourn in private rather than at the office. We take leave to cope with the loss of a family member and, though our co-workers share their condolences with us, it s something we process on our own. Why? Because we may worry that that personal grief may be seen as unseemly at work and worrisome to our colleagues. We or they may be concerned that they can t share or even understand our feelings, that our tears or sadness seem unprofessional, or that our minds are simply not in the right place for the time being. So we may soldier on alone or try to exhibit only an upbeat persona at work while accepting the kind wishes of our co-workers with a Thanks, I m doing better. How did the staff meeting go?
By contrast, colleagues like those at SurveyMonkey are united in grief. When a work group loses one of its own, group members can and should acknowledge their mutual grief, gaining comfort from sharing, not shoring away, their feelings and thoughts. As sad as the loss may be to the team and to those connected to it, there is mutual benefit in coping with grief as a group. From my experience and my work with others, I would suggest that teams observe four elements of the mourning process.
Acknowledging:
It s important for the group to communicate the situation that they re in, both internally and to the outside world: We have lost our colleague and we are in mourning. In saying so, the group lets it be known that an event has occurred that has touched them. Internally, the group experiences a solidarity in proclaiming this; externally, those outside the team are informed so that they can offer their condolences, acknowledge their own feelings, and feel more connected on a human level to the team they have until now known only through their business transactions or the product they represent.
Permitting:
When a colleague has died, the workplace should become a setting in which grief can be expressed and co-workers can openly empathize with each other. People shouldn t mourn behind closed doors, holed up in their offices or in the car on the way home. The group can get together in one place or, if team members are remote, connect by emails or video conference any medium that brings together employees in every location. Managers should emphasize that it s all right to be touched by grief and that it s a good thing for group members to share their feelings.
Celebrating:
Loss also provides an opportunity to celebrate a life. From casual conversations to formal memorial services, people acknowledge their sadness while remembering what the person meant to them, professionally and personally. The recent writings of Goldberg s wife Sheryl Sandberg, as well as his colleagues and friends, have demonstrated the care and concern he had for others as a father, a spouse and a manager. Whether such celebrations of a person s contributions are broad-reaching or simply shared among a small group of co-workers, they can be an important part of the mourning process. Colleagues come together and share their gratitude, with each other or the world, for the time they had together with a special person in their work lives.
Choosing:
Grief and mourning don t end overnight, As the initial grief becomes less acute, it can be time for the group to choose ways of remembering their colleague. An ongoing ritual of remembrance and observance is often a good way for a work group to carry forward the meaning of that person s life. When my team confronted the loss of our manager, we established an annual ritual to celebrate his life and observe his passing it was a time to share fond memories, humorous stories, and the sense of being a team that our boss had fostered and that we wanted to continue. For other groups, this ritual might become a day of volunteer work in the community, an opportunity to express appreciation to each other, or a seminar to celebrate their colleague s love of learning.
For any team experiencing a loss that touches all its members, there is the opportunity to confide in one another, to grieve together, to come together to celebrate a life and to choose to keep doing so. Uniquely sad, this event can also be an opportunity for the team to honor the colleague they have lost, to further the care and respect they maintain for each other, and to consider the meaningful ways that her or his memory can live on.
Anna Ranieri, MBA, PhD is an executive coach, career counselor and speaker. She is the co-author of the book How Can I Help? What You Can (and Can t) Do to Counsel a Friend, Colleague or Family Member With a Problem.