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old shoes

prepare for the storm before it arrives. that holds true for many things, also for anything related to mental health. anyone who has dealth with anything related to depression knows that it's very hard to prepare for a storm. even if you know it's coming. even then it's tough as nails.

one of the main reasons for this is, mental health is less about feeding yourself happy hormones, it's more about psychological routines embedded in your brain that deal with events and the processing of those. when something stress-related affects me, old programming kicks in that in one way or another makes it hard to deal with that stress, and ultimately i end up in the same place i always end up in, an inability to react and to push things away. in my past nothing major was affected when i did push something away eventually, to allow myself to breathe again. having two kids and a full-time job, all i can push away are either family or work. none of them cope with the rejection particularly well. i feel that i disappoint someone, or that i neglect an obligation to do something, and that leads to the same dark hole it always has.

last friday i cried myself to sleep. i haven't done that in months. and even while i managed to push the sadness and worries away over the weekend, tomorrow the same hamster wheel restarts. it'll push the same stress on me again. and i'll be at my limit again, trying to survive one day at a time, clinging to the faint hope that things are going to improve, to get better, because i cannot fix anything myself. sometimes i wonder whether i'll survive this or some day just stop being... it'd certainly be easier.