💾 Archived View for gemlog.blue › users › maria › 1631742703.gmi captured on 2024-08-18 at 21:44:27. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2021-12-04)
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when balloons deflate, they leave this sour taste of "could i have saved it?". for 7 weeks now i have been doing three things apart from sleeping:
and when tonight i had to babysit both kids i sat there. just sat there. the tension slowly faded. and i looked at my inner self. part of me didn't dare pick up any miniatures from the drawer to paint, because after a 15 hour day i wouldn't be able to finish it. i'm scared of my hobbies.
over two years ago i decided to quit playing computer games. they were sucking the life out of me. that had other reasons during the time, but one side-effect i felt was, computer games demanded more time than i had to offer to make me feel happy about them. i turned instead to painting miniatures because i was able to stop on a whim and pick it up minutes later. eventually i also played the game i painted my minis for.
painting now makes me feel the same. i am scared to pick it up because there is a chance that i can't even assemble a miniature in the little time i have. and instead i spend time with writing. coding. socializing. being part of the gemini group. that's not bad, it doesn't generate "things" that i need to sell in a year.
and when my tension faded, and i looked at my inner self, i realized that i miss painting. and that no matter how much i tell myself that i am ok as i am, i can't look into the mirror and not see someone i don't want to see. as with many things, it's an escape. wanting to be someone else, to be different. the kids are too much to handle for me at the moment. together with work and everything else. since i have no other way than to escape, going into geminispace where there's no one from my social life, and no kids and no responsibility seems reasonable. not to mention i can try to be who i wish to be.
this realization isn't what i wanted to feel like. i wanted geminispace to be a good idea. and it may still be, but it's also a wall to my other life, the life i struggle with. the life that has many of the choices and outcomes i didn't want to have.