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routine

the routine kicks in.

get up

morning routine with the kids

drop the bigger off

work

lunch

work

kid comes home

take one of the kids

dinner

bed ritual

work

trade sleep for anything else

sleep

repeat

it's better to have this routine than what i had 3 years ago, a pile of shit. but i don't get to think anymore. i am exhausted. sure, there's happy, and there's smiles, and there's moments.

my enthusiasm for projects is fading. my motivation for social things and connecting with people is fading.

i miss playing on my mush

and i miss pondering about cool shit i'd do in the evening.

i'm tired.

everything worthwhile requires struggle

is that really what it is?

there's a lot of truth to that. but ultimately also a bitterness. when you can't bear the struggle, or don't want it, you can't have anything worthwhile.

today i miss losing myself in a game. not for an hour. for a weekend. tomorrow a new routine starts. work throws new stuff at me. and i block some with a forcefield. hopefully those which i do not understand.

my perception of myself has changed. in the middle of it all. i used to look at myself and wonder whether my affinity for femininity was the reason why i wanted to transition. give myself an excuse to be "allowed" to be feminine. or whether it was a genuine wish to be that. to have delicate skin, breasts, a different fat distribution.

when i look at myself today, for the most part, this genuine wish isn't there anymore. i become unhappy when i try to think about this. sure. i have always been sad about this, it's the expected reaction.

to transition you need courage. you need to be who you will become before you are that person. the body follows the mind. and honestly this wasn't how i perceived it at all. i always had the feeling that the mind can't become anything unless the circumstances adjusted themselves.

i'll try to find more courage to become who i want to become and many other things fall into place.