💾 Archived View for gemlog.blue › users › maria › 1628459385.gmi captured on 2024-08-18 at 21:44:24. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content

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exhausted

weekends stop being relaxing when you have kids. you can meet someone, find entertainment, go somewhere. you won't lie on your balcony and enjoy the afternoon birds. that's about a good thing as much as it is a bad one. and it's opinionated.

somehow i am managing with the new kid. kids are not at fault for the shortcomings, responsibilities and dumb contraints that grownups make. many parents put that on their kids, but it's not their fault at all. me having to work to earn some money, not my kids' problem. at the same time that puts a ridiculous responsibility on my shoulders. of course all those things weigh a ton. of course it's hard getting up every day, having a great mood, patience and openness while you're juggling work, household, and your own life.

the worst of it all is taking a step back and directing all blame towards the people that deserve it. kids don't deserve to be blamed. that's hard. ever since the pregnacy i blame my <so>. i didn't want that kid. even to the point that i hoped it was false alarm and all that. being honest with yourself, admitting that you weren't strong, persistent enough to avoid this, that's tough. being honest with myself makes me really sad, helpless. it brings me to a halt. part of me wishes i could end it right here and there. and then we loop back to kids are not to blame and you cannot put your own issues on their shoulders. it's not their fault.

even before the pregnancy something in the relationshop broke though. i don't feel anything anymore. nothing at all. a friend of mine says because i was mistreated and don't get accepted as who i am. there may be some truth to that, but somehow i also doubt truth. it's become an accelerator for hating my sexuality. before i was unhappy about it. my biological gender and how it makes others treat me because of it, that made me unhappy. now that a pregancy happened, i start to hate it. i make it take responsibility, as if it has a mind of its own. that's stupid, but it's also the truth.

i can't talk to my <so> about this. it'll cause a fight. one that likely leads to splitting up. splitting up is not an option right now. maybe in a year or so. but who knows, maybe my asexuality will accelerate that. time will tell.