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drowning

drowning in work isn't quite what i am looking for. i am not drowning in work. instead i am drowning in my own mess. tons of regrets. dealing with a second child i never wished for, but agreed to because i wasn't strong enough to continuously fight for a no. starting a new work while my so stays home may feel good for me. it also makes me tell my big one day and day again that i have to work and i won't be done soon. and the little time (that's a lie, i shift large amounts around) i reallocate, makes me work longer in the evening. it breaks my heart to send my kid away. and it breaks my heart even more to be honest "i want to work", i've never said that. instead i argued, grown-up issues like capitalism requiring me to work for money so we can afford things. there is truth to that, yes, but ultimately it's not true. my skills were diminishing and while it seems appealing to stay home with a kid, some day you'll be home alone, without the kid. and then you'll look back and realize that you're so far out of the loop, you can't possibly start to work again. not where you left off. the choice you make for 10 years or 15, sets you on a path you can hardly escape until you die. and so i feel sad (rightfully so, it's not a bad thing) that i have given up more quality time for a full-time job.

all of this wouldn't be bad at all, if there wasn't this second child, that keeps clogging up the well-oiled gears. my so taking care of two kids with an age difference of 3 years is barely managing. the little one requiring a lot of care, the big one requiring guidance and a playmate. different needs for different ages. nothing out of the ordinary here. it's also not the big one's fault either. you don't have a second kid for the sake of the first. that's a bullshit reason. but i have to jump in and try to dampen the impact. household chores are on me, dishes are on me, cleaning up are mostly on me. cooking is about half on me. doing recurring things with the big one is on me (brushing teeth, showering, changing clothes, helping out while we eat, etc). giving enough attention so we can play something that's not interrupted every 2 minutes.

somewhere in all that mess is the little kid inside of me who screams at me, cries and feels sad and out of control. because i can't satisfy its needs any longer. because selfcare suddenly means sacrificing sleep. because i have 15 hour days before i can finally sit here, take a breath and realize that i miss how it was and i have no clue how to progress. i've never had a cluw how to progress. during therapy i had some guidance, and maybe with the new therapy i might have some again, but right now i am stuck. i hope it'll get better. different. and that the little kid inside of me doesn't feel cheated.

ultimately the part that surprises me the most is that my so never turns up in any of this anymore. i take care of me. if i can. and i spend time with the kids, mostly the big one. i am not sure whether i stopped feeling anything for my so. who knows. time will tell. right now, it doesn't matter. spending time with someone doesn't seem to make me feel any better. at all. things i do for myself make me feel better. like painting miniatures. or fiddling with gemini and minimal computing. social anything doesn't make me feel better. i use social things as a vent more often than not anyways. they aren't worth it because no one taught me how they can be valuable. maybe my kid knows. i spend more time with my kid than with anyone else. that doesn't make me feel worse. maybe that's how good relationships should be.