💾 Archived View for gemlog.blue › users › maria › 1628025313.gmi captured on 2024-08-18 at 21:44:22. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2021-12-04)
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being in a company context does help me. currently. for a while. who knows for how long. driving past androgyn people, or boy-ish female-looking people doesn't trigger the same dysphoria. not sure why. doubt dysphoria is a condition triggered by boredom.
the workplace. my new workplace. that one i mean. it has a code of conduct. everyone is welcome. doesn't disciminate. everyone is welcome. then i enter a meeting. 10 people. female people have long hair. male people have short hair. female people wear blouses and colourful garments. male people wear shirts and tshirts. everyone looks like they have something to prove. the quota asian wears the clothes a little bit more loose, the hair a little bit different, looks just a slight nudge more cute than the rest.
how is that welcoming of other groups? sure i can't expect other people to dress and behave differently for my sake. it just feels like you're alone if you show up as mixed bag of person. that looks neither right nor wrong. intrductions are never even inclusive of pronouns. and this is germany. not the i-sue-everyone-america. in the past i didn't even bother with all of this. why would i. and deep down i still don't care. they can call me whatever they want to, i don't care really. sure switching my gender does make me smile. it feels warm and cozy. but so does switching back. and ultimately it's not an issue. it does make me wonder about progression. no one's moving forward here. male people wearing a skirt in summer is just as unlikely as female person in short hair, no makeup and no bra. won't happen. because reasons.
somehow i wish things were different. less complicated. complexity seems to be hostile even. not by nature. just in this case, because it demands you follow the social norm. for no other reason than avoiding complexity, avoiding the complicated circumstances and consequences.
today i regret a little having started to work. work itself motivates me, makes me look towards the future. that's good. but the social and cultural elements make me regret. so we're even. let's just hope the dysphoria stays where it fled to for a few days.