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So I got to phase 3 of the grey project. I wish I could be direct about what that means. I tried to be thoughtful about my preparation, but in the end I didn't achieve some of the setup in the way I envisioned. Here's the "fairytale palace" vision, and reality was more like "soggy sandcastle". But it was still a castle. I ran around today and got some provisions and got back about an hour before sunset, and then I set up my space with everything easy access. I got some fresh flowers (and then had to hide them from the Cat). I'd gotten these solar lanterns with a punched metal exterior back in the summer, so I dug them out and I put some LED tealights in there too for the flickering effect. They cast lace like patterns all over the room and ceiling. I lit some frankincense and myrrh. I set up some speakers for music. Made myself all comfy. The cats were all about cuddles (it's been chilly lately - I think they just want my body heat, but Cat was exceptionally sweet and attentive, possibly because I control the flowers). I don't have anyone to keep me company, so cats have to do. Knowing that, I did err on the cautious, conservative side.
It was exactly what it was supposed to be.
There's no way to sum it up except that. I can't give it a grade or a certain number of stars. I have no concept to judge it, nor would that even be the proper response. It was exactly what it was supposed to be.
Like it's a weird thinning of the separation between conscious and unconscious thought. Never felt like I was having an interaction with anything besides/outside myself. Not much different than the back and forth chatter I normally have. The responses just flow easier. Like there were small insights that I wouldn't have gotten, but by themselves they weren't anything earthshattering.
"I guess I was expecting something more profound," I thought.
And the response came: ["Profound" is marketing. "Profound" is what they slap on a tin to tell units at the gas station (and they will sell this, you know it). People get the experience they want to get.]
And I understood that was true. If "profound" is the expensive boojie resort medspa experience on one end of the beach, and "party vibe" is the Atlantic City boardwalk disco carnival experience on the other end, then in the middle there's a sandy turnout with tire tracks leading off, and the real beach lies beyond that, unlit and windswept. There's critters living and dying in the wet sand and birds that eat the critters and the smell of rotting seaweed. It's not "pretty" like the groomed medspa or the flashing carnival lights. It's cold and there are no convenient hot dog stands. But it's the truth. It's very simple, and it doesn't sell very well. There's hundreds or thousands of lies in the world, mostly to sell things, but the truths are pretty simple and they just are regardless of how you feel about them.
It's all the same beach. You just experience it how you expect it to be. The experience you allow it to be.
I had set up my whole space for a certain kind of experience. I had set the intention. And I understood that I did a good job. The experience I got was what I created by choosing my treats and carefully setting up the room, to a certain point. And then it's just, do you want a flavor of hype experience or do you want truth.
It's like art: art is a kid painting stars on his shirt on tiktok and going viral. Art is someone with a master's in fine art drinking wine in a sunlit studio painting a famous person's portrait in oils with classical music playing in the background. Both are art as people popularly understand it, but both are just shallow fringe conceptions. Where is the truth of art. It's probably not nearly so cosmopolitan or trendy as those examples. It's probably messy and frustrating and lonely and disappointing and mediocre. But it's true. It's the beach with the rotting seaweed that people don't want to visit. But it's true.
I dunno, like it wasn't ""profound"" but it felt like adding a couple pieces to a mostly finished jigsaw puzzle. You already know the picture, but you fill in a couple small spots and suddenly it seems a bit clearer and it feels good.
It was exactly what it was supposed to be.
I had a craving for a fresh spring roll and ended up picking one up from the little pho house next to the international market (you know their food is probably great because they're right next to the source). I ordered a lemongrass pork banh mi for kicks. God damn was it delicious. I'm sitting in bed with the kitties and my pretty lanterns and nice music and I have amazing food and flowers and I realized: this is the very nicest thing I have done just for myself in years. Maybe I needed that.
It was exactly what it was supposed to be.
That's really all I can say about it.