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becoming new

25/06/24

listening to: ghuleh - ghost

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ironically it's been easier to be the person i want to be once i acknowledged that it's actually hard to change. that discipline and choosing new behaviors means battling with your entire past self. not that it's insurmountable, but that understandably there are strong neural connections in place, and there will be a lot of resistance to anything different.

i haven't been beating myself up or trying to shame myself into "better" behaviors for quite a while now, but still the inertia was strong. stopping beating myself up wasn't enough to start being better. it's relatively basic, but for someone not at all future-oriented it was strange to discover that this has to be an Aspirational project. not discovering some sort of true self, or refining it, but straight up deciding on a direction and slowly course-correcting.

i need a lot of tools to keep going, and the things i rely on most now/what even got me started:

know it's not magically going to happen, each Different behavior will need to be very intentional
have a clear vision of what you want to achieve, who you want to be, and remind yourself of it with the things that are already going right - building up from them
list of activities to draw on when you notice you're falling into the default
daily prayer and/or meditation breaks, to slow down and check in with myself (part of it is also reminding myself i'm opening up to new ways of being)
positive emotions related to the New Person (like i'm legitimately looking forward to doing X, but that can only happen if i no longer do Y)

onwards!

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