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07/07/24
listening to: o green world - gorillaz
(cue hannibal reference)
i haven't written here in a while! i was busy becoming new. still am. turns out it takes a lot of effort. even a simple thing like knowing you deserve and wanting a clean tidy home. doing everything from start to finish, including cleanup, is much more energy consuming than focusing on the core of the thing itself. like, it used to be: i need to eat, so i eat, instead of doing all the additional things around food preparation. so it makes sense that it's been leaving me less energy for hmm... i guess i'd call it active fun time. if you want to do things better, you're going to need to do fewer things. i love the results of my work, but i long for rest more than ever, i'd rather watch astronomy lectures on youtube and play animal crossing than do any creative/brain work, including engaging with tarot material. but i'm slowly carving out ways and places to do that, too. art seems to be easiest when it's an escape, and it feels like it now, like it's a little oasis among all the doing. same for prayer and meditation, a guaranteed daily break i want to make the most of, including by really Doing It Properly. kind of hoping i'll get used to it all enough to be able to do Bigger Home Improvement projects as well, because all the above is just the Basics of life. i want a little bit more than the basics. i want enough energy for new experiences and fun adventures, i want to be able to be spontaneous and excited for life as well. but not to worry, the low energy doesn't translate into a low mood. i'm happy with myself, with my work, and with all the usual little joys of noticing and being present.
