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7/25/24
I overbooked my stomach. Just ate a full Lebanese meal with friends. And! It’s pizza night. So now I have to eat pizza to keep up the facade that I did not forget about pizza night. Will she do it? Can she? Belly is already so full and bulging with lots of Lebanese food.
Today
Helped a man at a gas station find directions to a place. Navigating his android ended up on his browser and saw “lesbian mommy p***” on his search history. lol. Community.
7/7/24
So. I cry so I cry so I cryyyyyii. <3 Charli XCX
Not crying I just <3 brat
5/30/24
On the hedonic treadmill with pikmin bloom. None of my pikmin are special to me anymore. No pikmin could be cool enough for my desires.
5/29/24
Are the cicadas out yet? Apparently we don't get them in MN :)
So excited to start full time as a studio coordinator at my ceramics studio.
5/21/24
girrrrrrrrrl,
5/20/24
So last Friday I stayed home from work with a "stomach bug". I come to work this Monday and there is a potluck. Immediately looked like a liar. Someone bought stir fried noodles.
Also everyone from Minnesota thinks that Missouri is the south. I don't agree but I do think it's funny.
5/16/24
Bored at work looking up double binds because I feel like it is an important thing for me to understand.
The article I'm reading defines persistent double binds as a necessary condition for the development of borderline personality disorder and also says that people with BPD often create double binds for the people in their life - especially their children. My mom has bpd and in this article I found a sentence that I feel sums up my entire life. Could not be more accurate:
"a world that expects one to grow up and become self sufficient while the caretaker is rewarding that same person for remaining dependent and helpless"
Anyway I was looking double binds up because I feel like I create them for myself even when they are not there. For instance last night my room mate S wanted to lay down before cooking pizza. I convinced myself that she would be mad at us for cooking before she was done resting and mad at us (me and my other room mate A) for waiting to cook until she was done resting. In this situation I could not win. My room mate S was bound to be mad if we had dinner in any manner. I voiced some semblance of this to A, and she said that she didn't think S would be angry with us for either of those things. Me and A starting cooking while S was still resting and it turns out S didn't get angry. I think this is a good example of a situation where I am creating a double bind in my head. I have come to expect all people will put me in double binds and therefore get very anxious when making even very small relational decisions. I'm just trying to notice that more.
5/14/24
smoky in Minnesota. Canada is burning a lot because the fires from last year kept going under the snow all winter. It's called a zombie fire. What in the hell. What on earth.
Spent some time at my cousins cousins house out in Blaine last weekend. They have lots of trump memorabilia and live in the suburbs on a golf course. Gonna live there for three weeks while they are out of town. They paid me $250 for the weekend. Therefore, I will not be deterred by the trump coffee mugs. I'm taking the money. Sorry Jack Antonoff.
5/9/24
tbh reply chain: Is lying out of convenience for little things okay?
ex: I just told a man that someone got scheduled at the time I was trying to schedule him when in actuality I made a scheduling mistake that was too complicated and convoluted to explain to him.
5/3/24
just got on a new acne medication and I'm gonna stop taking it because it's really affecting my mood. It is so hard to have pre-existing mood conditions and also take hormonal medication/birth control because you never know where things are coming from. And it doesn't help that doctors are often dismissive of side affects that are not explicitly known and researched. For instance I was once told that there was no way my hormonal IUD was causing me acne. Like really NO way?
5/2/24
Me and my roomies have been doing pizza night every Wednesday for the last like month or so. I hope we keep it up because I really enjoy home made pizza and also having dinner with them. We are going to trip together this summer. I feel pretty close with them honestly. I always feel like I feel close to the wrong people, but I'm starting to ease into a bit of trust. It feels good and scary to trust people. Just always waiting for the other shoe to drop you know?
Also, I have been taking on more hours at the pottery studio and if feels good to be doing something I enjoy/ am excited about. It honestly felt so unachievable to teach ceramics and I'm happy I persevered.
5/1/24
My room mate told me a story last night that I will literally never forget. Insane.
4/30/24
It is devastating to me that there is a non-spicy version of Mexican food.
4/23/24
One thing I'll say is that working closely with health insurance all day at my job has only made me increasingly scared and upset about it. It's literally so fucked up. Like could not be more inhumane and fucked up. End of rant.
4/22/24
I feel like I had a very 23 yr old weekend. I'm making friends with someone I went on like two dates with and that makes me happy. I was really glad she reached back out because we got on great, but I just wasn't interested romantically. We went skating and that was fun.
The roomies and I have been close recently though I find this is a slippery slope. Very easy to go overboard on time spent with people you live with. I really enjoy their company it's just we live in a teensie tiny space and so it's good to take solo time.
4/18/24
bored
4/15/24
I had an encounter with my own cynicism last night while I was talking to my roommate. The pottery studio I work for mentioned a full time position to me and I didn't even let myself get excited because I figured the pay was low and I better not get my hopes up. Its a push and pull though because I have always wanted to work in the arts and that desire is so strong and has been so heavily ignored and stifled that I can't let up now. I'm just way too pessimistic about careers I think. I don't know. It's a careful balance between perceived security, actual security, and fulfillment. And somehow not ruining the things you love by making them a responsibility.
4/11/24
My manager said my outfits are cute today. She also said I need to dress more appropriately but she did tell me my outfits are cute so.
4/7/24
I am beaming with pride. I am electric with satisfaction. I started off my day with the goal of getting my car battery replaced. I tried to jump it and it didn't start. Then, I took the bus to an auto shop and bought a new battery and installed it myself from a youtube video. Who needs the shop- not me. Who needs to call their dad- also not me. I am brimming with pride.
I don't know how to put into words how proud it makes me that I did my taxes and replaced my battery today. These problems, hurdles, responsibilities used to make me crumble and I would deal with the consequences. I tend toward being so avoidant of even mildly difficult things that it makes my life feel like one big unsolvable problem. Something that has helped me with this is when I feel extremely anxious about something I like start the thing. I dip my toe in. Like with taxes I created an account on the website I was gonna use. Or with the car I looked up the youtube video. It feels good to not be so helpless in my life. It is a change and it feels good.
3/28/24
The new albums that are out are so good and its gonna make summer so good. Thank you for the music. Also getting excited to house sit and have friends visit bc otherwise it is a bit of a tight fit to have friends stay at my house but I am excited to have like a big house and pool and stuff for a month. I'm glad I made the decision to house sit. Summer overall is shaping up to be pretty good I think! Don't worry I knocked on wood when I wrote this.
3/26/24
It’s over for yall once I get my bert jansch guitar book
3/25/24
I think I just gave a scam website my social. It was phishing from my insurance company. Pls post advice. Scared
3/24/24
I need to be more standoffish and intimidating and rude so that random men don’t trauma dump on me at the bus stop. I’ve ridden the mpls bus twice and this has happened twice.
3/21/24
I'm so sorry why does the ground beef in papas taco-ria take a full two minutes to cook. Bitch im running this restauraunt singlehandedly in between coworkers walking behind my desk the beef needs to cook faster and the measuring cup I use to sprinkle cheese needs to sprinkle faster and more liberally. This was so much easier to play when I was in fifth grade and my teacher let us play games all day the whole year. It's really hard to be a successful taco shop owner when you have to stop doing what you're doing every time someone glances at your screen. It's so cruel and fucked up.
3/19/24
working a phones job while on my period is not a good match. I was wondering why every call has made my blood boil today and then I remembered...
3/14/24
Made music theory flashcards on quizlet to study during work. Feels good to be learning smthn.
slowly developing a work enemy...........
3/12/24
fucked up dream last night.
on the flipside made a breakthrough today. PTSD can be so hard in like daily life and I just learned a new trick that really helps. Thank god.
3/11/24
E.T. is very relatable. Just a little alien who wants companionship and is afraid of the government guys.
JUST GOT FREE MEDICAL GRADE TEETH VARNISH AT WORK SLAY MY TEETH WILL SHINE
3/10/24
I have a sneaking feeling that I was supposed to do something today. Something is missing, im forgetting something.
Writing cover letters is like writing a ten page paper about religion at my catholic school as a non-christian. Trust me, I can send and email pls don't make me write a page about that god.
3/9/24
I am sitting in a new coffee shop/art space/writers space in mpls. There is a wooden sculpture here that that will tell your fortune for a quarter. I paid it two. The first time it landed between "nothing is more difficult than competing with a myth" and "we lie loudest when we lie to ourselves". The wooden man picking wooden flowers in his glass box sensed my denial. He is alive, a spirit like pinnoccio and someone trapped him inside of a shiny glass box in a faux-peaceful quite space. Thats untrue. The space is peaceful, I am a live wire.
There is a print shop here that sells the materials for paper making and book making. I think we all crave the finality of creating. Trapped in endless cycles of consumption and mindless work we want to make a thing from origin to completion. Take a $37 bundle of mullberry leaves and grind it to paper. To play at a more primal functionality. To know where something started and where it goes. To live in physicality. To let our bodies feel like we are doing something real, palpable, and final. More importantly, we want to escape into a time when we had bodies. When our heads didn't float with stupid hats on them and a screen dangling like a carrot-- hovering just before our eyes.
3/8/24
I had the sudden realization at work today that I am kinda sane. Like I have a decent head on my shoulders no matter how crazy I think I am.
1/2/24
I was recently informed that some people say there is a lesbian accent. I wonder if we are all just imitating the way that kiera knightleys mouth is shaped when she speaks. I know I am.
3/1/24
I love the things that I am able to talk about with people. Just got my coworker to open up about her experience of practicing wicca. I'm obsessed with people human kind is beautiful and wonderful. I also love talking to people about wicca specifically because it is an experience that I feel often people will doubt or question and it is so fun to like offer openness and belief and hear about their experiences with mysticism. Mysticism is beautiful.
One parallel I've noticed with people who practice wicca/tarot/adjacent is that they often will recall delving too far into the other side and having to set boundaries with spirits/beings. This is something that my roomie talked a lot about where she needed to stop practicing seances because she was making the connection between the present world and the spirit world to strong in her home. Her mother in-law (also a mystic) apparently noticed without roomie telling her that roomie was opening that communication/preforming seances. Generally I believe this type of stuff is real. I believe it enough tbh to want it at arms length from me and when I express that to witches they usually validate that feeling. Anyway I love me a witch.
She also told me she saw a spirit at our work the other day. lol hospitals.
2/29/24
Just asked my cubicle mate who has been out sick for a week to wear a mask. She came in like coughing and sneezing and talking about how she had a fever for four days. I am really proud of myself for asking and she was happy to wear one. I never ask for things like this. I'm really proud. I'm wearing a mask with her so it's okay. This way I don't have to spend the whole day super duper anxious.
2/26/24
On the phones today a person was calling in and she was trying to get her 2 yr old in the car while she was on the phone and she was really patient with them and really kind and it made me shed a single tear of heartwarm.
2/25/24
Hey!! Just went on two really good dates with someone. I am already invested I like her a lot oh my god I’m scared and hopeful. Fuck. I think I’m in trouble.
2/20/24
mmmbuhbye
I'm pretty obsessive generally. Realizing that a lot of this is due to guilt. Calling it my guilt bone. To me it is T shaped almost like a vertebrae. It sits at the bottom of my ribcage where the ribs meet in the middle of my chest.
2/19/24
Silence in the cubical as one cubie says she went to school for corrections and the other says she hates prison and that multiple of her family members went to prison and she thinks its really bad. They somehow end in general agreement. BC one of them is undeniably right. And they are besties <3
2/16/24
ANYWAY- got an email offering an interview for a job that pays $24 an hour. Pipeline inspector :(
I am a pottery teacher now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also would give anything to be in the barbie vet book I had as a kid. I'm sure I would know peace there.
2/15/24
Ever since I moved to minnesota people are surprised that I had no proper reason to move here. Not a job that pulled me with a promise of proper insurance or financial comfortability. Not long lost beloved relatives that live in town. Not the mountains (there are none), the beaches (there are some) or the chance at predestined fame as an actress. I always feel like a glass frog on the side of a fish tank when people ask why I moved. I moved because I couldn't live in the same town as family anymore, and even though that is normal it feels abnormal because there's so much underneath all that. Like clearly you can see through it all and you know that I couldn't make those relationships work. Idk, I always muster up the energy to just say "yeah my friend moved up and I have extended family here and I was looking to move after school" all true. The urge to trauma dump is ever-present (never really acted on) I think bc I don't really share about it in depth with anyone ig.
I wish I just like didn't have this complex about it and was able to own like yes I moved here bc I wanted to move. And I am happy I did it's just a pretty major adjustment. Also feels weird to be homesick but not wanting to go home.
2/14/24
I am making bold comments at work. At almost every job i've had my mentality is giving "I won't be working her in 6 months anyway" lol
2/6/24
I just got an email back from the ceramic studio that I have been trying to get a work exchange with! They didn't email back for like two weeks and I thought that they were just gonna not respond like most things. I feel so hopeful about this. I really want to be able to make ceramics and a work exchange is one way that I can afford that!
And also I soooooooo dream of being like a proper pottery teacher. I think it would be so fun for someone to like take a class of mine and then fall in love w me. Or to run a gay wine night. The future is limitless.
I could go for another pottery girlfriend 2. pottery for pottery so good.
Also it's worth typing out that I need to start taking photos of my finished work and putting them somewhere so when I say I am a ceramicist I can be like HERE LOOK I promise!
Anyway, it is such a therapeutic and healthy thing for me to engage with and truly one of the only things that makes my layers of neurosis peel back for a few hours.
1/31/24
Talking with F last night about my dreams I realized that I am progressing through life in a dream like state. I think it is because I have been doing lots of yoga and EMDR and going on lots of walks. I don't mind this state of mind.
I have been dreaming a lot of like normal situations. I went to the grocery store and remembered everything on my current day list for example. Last night I got multiple $400 fines from the library for not turning in my books on time. My dreams are a mimicry of my life and my life is a mimicry of my dreams. I wonder if this is indicative of increased connectivity to the subconscious parts of my mind. F said they feel like whenever they are dreaming like this it's because they are living sort of out of/ dreamily. food for thought.
1/24/24
Also! I overheard my roomies talking and it sounds like they are both going to quit there jobs. I was feeling chill about that until I realized we are all dirt poor and sharing rent, and that I met them off facebook six months ago.
I think I'm gonna ask for assurance from them once my second roomie quits. I'm just gonna be like hey :) I'm sure it's fine but I just wanted to make sure that we are like gonna be housed :) like I don't want to pry :) I just. It is just really important to me to not randomly not be able to live in a place :) love y'all and trust y'all :) Please get a job so I don't have to say this :) <3 <3 just pls don't make your financial insecurity into my financial insecurity <3 <3 <3
I would love feedback from my fellow flounderites on ^^^^^^^^^ what would you do? Should I be chill?
I love being 23 a lot so far. I love this age and stage in life. I'm feeling really calm. Calm is the primary thing I feel.
1/21/24
Firstly I would like to say that I really enjoy reading everything that my friends post on flounder. That is why I am posting now because I want to contribute.
I just had a lovely weekend which is good bc tbh my PTSD was really fucking bad this week and I needed a revitalization. Yesterday I went to cedar lake and I walked around in the cold with elderberry tea and walked in the middle of the lake. Walking on water is brilliant. The sun and the ice and the trees made me feel expansive. And then I cleaned the house and talked to F while I cleaned.
Today I woke up and I met up with someone I am trying to be friends with who I met at a party for coffee. It was good I think but I don't know if she wants to be friends with me. Also she has two moms and so I talked about being gay a lot and I fear that she may have thought that I thought that we were on a date. It's challenging to make friends when I want friends badly because I feel more self conscious of everything. Idk I am doing it even though it is challenging and terrifying.
Then I made focaccia for my work potluck tomorrow and I think it turned out good but I have'nt tried it yet.
Upon reflection I feel so much more rested and rejuvenated when I put effort into stimulating activities like baking bread and going for walks than when I sit and like watch tv all day. That's what I did last weekend and it is not fun bc there is such a short time each week to actually do things I enjoy and then when I don't use it I get real depressed.
9/17/2023
For the last two weeks I have been obsessed with the idea of swimming in the chain of lakes. Last week I went to bde maka ska which is the biggest one with the plan to swim. I bought a competition swim suit and my favorite goggles (women's vanquisher 2.0 with bungee straps). When I got there, there where lots of sail boats and it was huge and nobody was swimming so I did not swim. Then I found out about webber swimming pool which is a America's first natural swimming pool and I drove there only to find it was closed. Then, I looked up aquatic centers that were open. I needed to swim. I don't know what has come over me but this has become one of my basic needs. I for some reason decided that I should go to "the U" and try to get into their aquatic center. By this time I was driving myself fucking insane. Seriously I was on one. I walked up to the rec center, saw multiple frat men, remembered that I HATE college rec centers, remembered that I am not a student there and gave up my mission to swim that day.
Flash forward to today. I SWAM. My friend Demetri told me that he swims in cedar lake and that you're allowed to and that lots of people do it. So (bravely) I drove to the lake and put on my cap and goggles and swam around the buoys for like and hour and a half. Pure bliss. Pure bliss. This was the best swim of my life. Surrounded by reeds and fished and sky and cool water and brisk air I was so fucking happy. So fucking happy. Im gonna swim forever now.
I saw people swim across the lake. The internet said that they would fine me for this, but I had a very nice conversation with a man named herb and he told me that they stoped fining people for swimming across the lake. Apparently someone had drowned because they got caught in the weeds in the middle of the lake and then panicked. Herb said the weeds "are easy to pull up" and as long as I don't panic I will be okay. Next time I swim I am going to swim all the way across the lake a bunch of times. Im going to feel so free. Im so excited to swim tomorrow and the next day and every day for the rest of winter.
9/9/2023
Sitting in a coffee shot called dogwood in the northeast district. Im observing the people here, the buildings. The northeast arts district where I live ranges from old homes with jewel toned paint that has been chipped away from renter after renter into an illustration of comfort, to "urban flats" high rises that are made of grays and blacks, plastics and paper. The coffee shop I am in right now is clearly newly made. The walls have paintings on them that are reminiscent of an instagram infographic. There are garage doors that lead to an open floor plan with concrete furniture and gold rimmed potted plants. Outside there is a tether ball pole which endears the place to me despite it's unreachable aesthetic. There is also a ping pong table and iridescent skate board decks hanging as wall decor. The people around me range from tetherball to gold-rimmed. Some are heavily tattooed and wear punk affiliated clothing. Some wear heather gray athleisure and Hokas. All are here on the singular mission to turn the shop into a full blown office space with rent being $5-$10 a day. Including me. How nice is it to have a communal goal--nonverbal and yet so tangible.
9/8/2023
First week in minneapolis going well. Feeling good about the roomates and the place for sure. Looking forward to getting a job in town and already networked for one. Im biking every day and trying to take a different route every time that I do.
Yesterday on my bike ride a gay person leaned out their window to tell me that my bike tire was flat. I call that--flattery. Then I biked 20 feet up the road and stumbled upon a bike shop where some biking bros with beautifully heavy Minnesota accents pumped up my tires for free. The pull of bro culture is strong for me. I resist it with my expression of femininity for one more day.