💾 Archived View for waitingforthe.day › journal › eating.gmi captured on 2024-08-18 at 17:22:56. Gemini links have been rewritten to link to archived content
⬅️ Previous capture (2022-04-28)
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0x0000: >> BEGIN HEADER................................................. 0x0040: DATETIME: 14-04-20XXT22:20...................................... 0x0080: SUBJECT: FOOD................................................... 0x00c0: TX: UNKNOWN..................................................... 0x0100: RX: WAITINGFORTHE.DAY........................................... 0x0140: PRIORITY: HIGH.................................................. 0x0180: << END HEADER................................................... 0x01c0: >> BEGIN MESSAGE................................................ 0x0200: I KEEP TELLING YOU, YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT. ALL THAT... JUNK YOU K 0x0240: EEP EATING IS GOING TO LEAD YOU TO AN EARLY GRAVE. BUT REALLY, W 0x0280: HAT CAN I DO? YOU WON'T LISTEN TO ME UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE........ 0x02c0: YOU KNOW, YOUR MUM AND I ARE REALLY WORRIED ABOUT WHAT YOU KEEP 0x0300: DOING TO YOUR BODY. IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS GIFT OF 0x0340: LIFE GOD HAS GIVEN YOU. AND SUCH A SHAME TOO, WE ALWAYS THOUGHT 0x0380: YOU WERE TALENTED, WOULD GO PLACES.............................. 0x03c0: I HOPE THAT YOU GET SOME SENSE INTO YOU SOON, FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. 0x0400: << END MESSAGE..................................................
you can't really rationalise how i feel right now i don't think. it's strange, i crave the dopamine rush from food and try to use it to fill the figurative void in me. but i know exactly what this is doing to me--it's killing me from the inside out. i torture my body by constantly feeding it with shit, and yet i continue. why? it creates this bizarre dynamic, where i crave food but i can't help by sob to myself as i continue to force myself to eat. "why can't i control myself?" i ask to nobody in particular, because i'm not convinced anyone could answer this for me.
it's always been a problem as long as i can remember, but we never figured out a solution to it. the closest we got was this injection i would take every week, an injection that made me physically sick whenever i ate. truly, it's a terrible existence to lead. i would throw up from the churning in my stomach, and then continue to eat as if i hadn't learned my lesson. every time this happened i would ball up next to the toilet bowl, thinking to myself how this could come to be. it's as if i can't control my actions, that i am only an observer to this body and nothing more.
and as i lay there defeated, drowning in my own tears and snot, i question what the point even is. my body doesn't seem to want to preserve itself, so why do i keep trying to fight it? honestly, i'm still looking for an answer to that question. but until that day comes, i'll continue feeding myself until my body gives in.